Star Wars (in Glaswegian) Episode IV - Ra Polis Strike Back

Discussion in 'Scotland' started by PadawanSDM, Feb 20, 2003.

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  1. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    dinnae worry wee man....
    we'll no go mad wi' the "effs' and the 'bees'.

    after all, swearing is the last recourse of someone who cannot make his point with words drawn from a civilised vocabulary :D

    my main worry at the moment is what the **** we're going to replace the asteroid fileld chase with [face_laugh]
  2. AngelaJade Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2003
    star 1
    :D

    Bloody brilliant!

    Re. the asteroid field chase - how about a police chase down a traffic-cone-infested stretch of motorway with a kids firing air pistols and/or dropping lumps of concrete from an overpass... or something like that. :)
  3. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    thank you Angela.....

    asteroid chase = motorway contraflow with concrete dropping neds chase

    excellent ! :D

    "The chances of getting through that mess o'cones must be millions tae one"
    "Never tell me the odds, bawbag !"
  4. Sebulba_Sloan RSA Alumni

    Member Since:
    Oct 24, 2002
    star 4
  5. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    Stop posing Donk and get on with it!
  6. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    In a matter of seconds, the fugitives? ramshackle base is in uproar.
    Panicking schemies run left, right and centre amidst the corrugated iron lean-toos, hefting about plastic bags full of empty Irn-Bru bottles, knock-off stereos and tellies, and several great hydroponic troughs from which sprout vast and pungent cannabis plants.
    Generally Reekin? stands in the middle of a puddle outside the main shed, screaming orders and abuse into the microphone of what looks rather like an aged Argos home karaoke unit (45 quid,including Vat)
    ?GET TAE THE TRANSITS, GET TAE THE TRANSITS. WIMMEN, WEANS AND OLD GUYS FIRST ?????. YOU !!?.. BAWBAG !!?.. where you goin? wi yir hands empty? Get yir pal there and each take an end of that big box and get it the lumpin? fudge into ma van?
    ?Aye big man, right away, big man ??? URGH?? cheeses o?nazareth, whit?s in this? It weighs a pure ton??
    ?That, sonny, is ma drinks cabinet, and if you drap it, I?ll personally empty oot the smashed bottles and BURY YE IN THE FUDGING THING.?

    Up above, Handsome Solo and the newly conscious Sheepshagger are perched on a Transit roof, peering doon the East Kilbride slopes towards the city through a pair of brand new binoculars, still with the Dixons price-tag hinging off them.
    ?There?s a fair bit of fog doon there?? ah canny see much yet??but??wait a tick??.awwwww keech !. Bulldozers. A whole squad o?them, digging up the road as they come,? sez Solo.
    ?If they reach the Carmunnock roundabout before us, we?ll no? get the vans wi? all oor gear and burdz and weans oot of here,? observes Sheepshagger.
    ?You don?t say, Sherlock plamffing Holmes,? spits Solo.
    ?We need to go doon there and hold them up somehow. The snowchains are on the trail-bikes. We take they bikes and keep them dozers busy doon the hill for five minutes, the vans?ll be on the back road tae Kirkie before the polis know any better.?
    Solo turns to look at Sheepshagger, rather taken aback by his daft young pal?s determination..
    ?You trying to impress me??
    ?Naw. But I wouldn?y mind getting her a bit frothy???.?

    They both look towards the big shed, where Senga McGlimpshey, wearing a gallus white trackie and an expression of grim determination, is hurling bags of shoplifted Anne Summers gear into one o? the vans.

    ???.. but her best chance oot o? this ambush is with you, Handsome ma man. You get her out in the Capri and I?ll owe ye big time.?
    ?Whatever you say, ya wee heid-the-baw - I wiz leaving anyway.?

    Shortly, wi? the piercing whine of multiple two-stroke motors, Sheepshagger and a few of the braver lunatics amongst the schemies (including mair than one veteran of the notorious Death Baw victory) burst out of the compound?s main gate, clear the defensive ditch like it wasn?y there, then scream off to meet the Polis bulldozers like a whole lot of badly-dressed Eddie Kidds on crack.

    Sheepshagger is first to get within range of the lead dozer, and he?s not mucking about?.. keeping the throttle wide open wi? one hand, he uses the other to line up at the driver wi? a cut-down 12-bore, and pops off both barrels damn near pointblank.

    Dodgin? past the lumbering tracks at the best part of 70mph, Sheepshagger turns to his pillion passenger?.
    ?Bobby, did ah get him??
    ?Naw man?.. that glass is toughened, man?.. looks like ye?d need a fudging bazooka tae crack it??

    ?SHECKLE !"growls the spotty farmboy..."I need tae think of something quick??.?

    Turning the bike as tight as he can manage, Sheepshagger heads back uphill at high speed ? and spots the overhead power cables running parallel with the road.

    ?Bobby. You got yir rubber wellies oan??

    ?Aye. Why??

    ?You got them cheap vinyl gloves oan??

    ?Aye. Why??

    ?See when I jump that banking there??.?

    ?Aye, banking. Why??

    ? I want you to reach up and sneck that ?leccy line wi? yir machete, and grab the loose end and hing onto it. Got it??

    ?GO TAKE A HIKE YOU?

    ?NAW, YOU LISTEN. Yir missus and wean are in wan o?they vans up there, but they?ll be in Polmont Prison by dinnertime if we cannae stop they dozers.?

    If Bo
  7. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    // bows
    // collects roses
    // returns to pub
  8. sideshowtob Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 28, 2000
    star 3
    Class MrDD, absolute class!!!! :D



  9. AngelaJade Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2003
    star 1
  10. malkieD2 Ex-Manager and RSA

    Member Since:
    Jun 7, 2002
    star 7
  11. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    as long promised, I've cut'n'pasted 'Episode 4 - Yiv Nae Hope" onto a word document, and am now cleaning it up and digitally re-inserting most of the quality swearing :)

    dunno where I'll post it once I'm done, though.......... any thoughts?

    but now, its time for the Polis to get on with Striking Back......

    // flexes brain
  12. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    Meanwhile, the Capri-Falcon is screeching down the Hamilton by-pass towards the M74 closely followed by two polis outriders

    Solo "ah fur fudge's sake"
    Senga "whit is it noo?"
    Solo "Polis transits, two oh them, cummin right at us"
    Senga "Well shift yer arse then Solo, you telt me this lump o **** was fast, mebbe ah should jist get oot and shove"
    Solo "Aye, you jist get oot but a'm no stoapin, baccy - switch oan the scanner, we're headin ontae the motorway"
    Seen Nuttun "Are you fudging mental, it's rush hour and there's loads o roadworks. The chances of getting through that mess o'cones must be millions tae one"
    Solo "Never tell me the odds, bawbag"

    The Capri-Falcon flies between the twa transits and up the on-ramp straight into miles of cones and traffic

    Senga "Oh **** me, am gonna fill ma keks"
    Solo "ye dinna usually wear any, ya manky tart"

    Solo takes the falcon through the rushing traffic narrowly missing cones and an Eddy Stobard r-tic that jack-kives right in front of them. Behind the out-riders are peppering the boot far their shooters.

    Solo "ma puir motor's gonna be in bits at the end o this"
    Senga "we need tae get oota the wiy o these cones or wur a gonna git splattered.
    Solo "na, we need tae get closer"

    Baccy "areyounutsbigmanifwegitincloserweregonnagetpuresplatteredsoweur"

    Solo flies between the cones and heads up the contraflow, against the on-coming traffic, up the M73 towards the A80 and freedom!"

    Solo "whit's that smell?"
    Senga "filled keks!"
    Solo "look the end o the cones and the A80 is empty - here wee go"

    The Falcon screeches down the off ramp and Solo triggers the Nitro-boost, but nothing happens.

    Solo "whit the ****, ah filled that up this morning"
    Ceen-nuttin "Aye, well, ye see, ah wis a wee bit thirsty so I syphoned it oot and drank it"
    Solo "ya wee chube, whit are we gonna dae noo?

    Just then the Falcon's rear windscreen is blown open by one of the outriders shooters

    Ceen Nuttin "**** - wan mair hit and we're dun fur!"

    Solo turns the falcon around in a hand-break turn towards the two out-riders. He heads straight for wan that chickens out at the last moment and skids into an on-coming truck. The other is approaching fast just as ceen-nuttin's stomach finally reject the Nitro and he pukes his load out the window onto the road. The out-rider skids into the Nitro, loses control and crashes off the road.

    Senga "well that wis close but others will be following.
    Solo - "we'll head tae Croy"
    Senga "the in-breeders?"
    Solo "aye, they hate the polis and we cin hide there until we ah get ma motor fixed."

    The Falcon turns off the main road and disappears towards Croy.
  13. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    // for the sake of the story, can we pretend that there's a distillery in Croy run by a certain Bandy Caledonian ?
  14. malkieD2 Ex-Manager and RSA

    Member Since:
    Jun 7, 2002
    star 7
    excellent stuff :)

    dunno where I'll post it once I'm done, though.......... any thoughts?

    I have a ton of bandwidth I never use and I could easily host it (as html, and/or downloadable Word file). Give me a shout when its polished :)
  15. AngelaJade Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2003
    star 1
    Excellent as always, Mr DD.

    Do you need a hand editing/beta-ing this literary classic? If so, I'd be happy to help.

    :D
  16. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    AngelaJade - what do you mean excellent as always DD - I do believe I wrote this part as I have wrote half all the way through.

    [face_huff]
  17. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    [face_laugh]

    there is absolutely no truth in the rumour that everyone who posts on the Scottish board is actually one of my socks

    :D

  18. PrivateFrazer Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 14, 2003
  19. AngelaJade Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2003
    star 1
    Yikes! Sorry, PSDM. *grovels apologetically* I can only blame a caffeine overdose and a fit of the giggles.

    Is still a bloody good parody, and deserves a permanent home somewhere on the net. :)
  20. Obi_one_and_only Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
  21. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    the return of Obi-one !!!

    I thought I could smell kebab !!

    // triple ouzos all round :D
  22. Obi_one_and_only Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
    Yes, it's the smell of garlic and yogurt that signifies my glorious return!
  23. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    [face_laugh]

    You just have to picture it! Hillarious stuff :)

    -sj loves kevin spacey
  24. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    Slacker :p

    ...I think I must be the only American who understands this script

    -sj loves kevin spacey
  25. Anima Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    May 4, 2004
    OK, I came across this thread in a search for Glaswegian humor and was amazed and delighted.... searched for parts 1, 2, and 3 but alas cant locate them.... saw something mentioned about a website that might have the whole collection, has that been made and if so, can you share that addy with me?

    This is the funniest, most amazing saga I have ever read and it delighted me to bits. I hope I can get a chance to read the rest!

    Cheers,

    Anima
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