Star Wars (in Glaswegian) Episode IV - Ra Polis Strike Back

Discussion in 'Scotland' started by PadawanSDM, Feb 20, 2003.

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  1. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    [face_blush]

    awwww well, 'The Polis Strike Back' has been sort of halfway finished for a while now...... but if I'm going to get showered with such ridiculous praise, I may well revive the project

    I'm sure 'Star Wars 'Yive Nae Hope, pal' is down there somewhere too.

    [face_blush]

    edit: it is !
    http://boards.theforce.net/Scotland/b10203/5328705/?171
  2. Anima Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    May 4, 2004
    Yeah I nabbed them both and they are well and truly gems. I am tickled to death by these two eps and yeah, support you in doing the deed on them all. Go for it! Please!

    I spent the better part of yesterday copying and pasting, then reading and weeping with laughter, the two threads so I could take it home and savor it....

    The only thing that could possibly be added to the mix is ol Rab C Nesbitt hehe

    I work here in Belgium, and our resident Scots exchange student was in stitches. He is singing your praises to me as I type

    ta!

    A

    PS I am also an American (ex really, now belgian) and I understand the script too.... it is scarey what too much BBC as a kid will do to you! He he
  3. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    [face_blush] ah such praise...

    I think, if I remember correctly, that General Arse Riekin was, in the conceptual artwork phase at least, based upon Rab C :D

    and seeing as you are a fan, you might be interested to know that the "Two Ways' bar in Finnieston, Glasgow, where they filmed the Nesbitt pub scenes, is one of my regular haunts. Very cheap beer, very belligerent customers [face_laugh]
  4. malkieD2 Ex-Manager and RSA

    Member Since:
    Jun 7, 2002
    star 7
    aye, come on danky and finish the fudging story.....
  5. Anima Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    May 4, 2004
    Yes, please do finish the story... I have a lot of friends that are already asking me when the rest is coming.... they were pissing themselves laffin over the ones I found here....

    Anyone ever find a place to put the unedited, director's cut versions (with full surround sound cursing) and if so do you have a link?

    Fanks

    A
  6. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    accch

    I've been promising to cut'n'paste a less fragmented version for aaages, but never quite sobered up enough [face_blush]

    one plan was to take the digital camera around Glasgow and get some of the locations and characters snapped....... could be a risky business getting shots of the neds....... but it would be worth it to show our overseas readers what it would all look like.....
  7. malkieD2 Ex-Manager and RSA

    Member Since:
    Jun 7, 2002
    star 7
    yeah, but the films are never as good as the books they are made from ;)

    I have my own mental image of the 'Death Ba'
  8. Obi_one_and_only Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
    Do go on please!!
    :)


    And I'll get you some ouzo when I return
    ;)
  9. AngelaJade Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2003
    star 1
    *joins in cries of "finish the story!"*

    :D
  10. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    After the chaotic fall of the neds? Whirlies base, the road to Millport was a serene experience for Sheepshagger and Him-2. Night had fallen and the sky was dotted with stars, all the more visible cos Luke was driving the scooter with its lights aff, lest they attract the attention of a local traffic cop.
    "You OK back there Him-2 ?".
    Barely audible over the whistling wind, Him-2 responded with his usual twitter of burps, coughs and profanities. Luke smiled at the familiar sound.
    "Good. You just hang on back there. The night ferry will be leaving Dunoon in 10 minutes?.. if we keep the lights aff and free-wheel doon the ramp, we?ll mebbe get away with no? paying?.. not that we?ve got a choice?.. ah left EK with 5 pence and half a pack of Lambert and Butler."
    Descending the steep hill off the Ayrshire moors, with the lights of Dunoon glittering below them, Luke killed the ignition on the bike and coasted into town as quiet as a breeze.
    Whispering round the corner at the ferry terminal, Sheepshagger steered his bike down the sea ramp and across the metal gangway into the belly of the ferry, apparently completely unnoticed by the CalMac staff, and parked up behind a minibus full of grannies.
    "Gallus," he breathed at Him-2. "Now we?ll just keep our wheesht for 10 minutes and blaze oot o?here the second they open the doors at the other side."
    Soon the ferry was shuddering through the sea, leaving Dunoon in its wake as the mysterious mass of the Isle of Cumbrae loomed out to the west. In Luke, there was a growing feeling that this journey had more significance than he yet understood??.
    A loud clank indicated the beginning of the landing sequence, and the ferry?s bow doors started to dip, revealing more of the starry blackness beyond. When the door reached 30 degrees off the flat, Sheepshagger gunned his bike into life.
    "Hang oan Him-2 ? we?re going ashore !" he yelled, and flew up the descending ramp in a cloud of exhaust smoke and burning rubber.
    "WAAAAAAY-HEEEEEEY" they yowled in unison as they took to the air ? but their elation was shortlived, as they realised that the ferry was still 20 metres short of the shore, and they were flying ? more accurately descending ? over the sea.
    "AWWW SHIIII?" SPLLOOOOOSH
    Leaning over the side of the ferry, a grinning CalMac staffer watched the two soaked neds floating to the surface.
    "That?ll teach yez to buy a ticket next time, ya wee bawbags. Did?ye think we sailed up the Clyde on a banana skin? Ye might have been all sneaky and quiet, but that didn?y stop us smelling yees, did it?"

    Bedraggled, they sloshed up onto the pebbled shore, and flopped down to recover their breath ? and looked back out to sea, where one end of the scooter?s handlebars poked through the waves and pointed at the stars.
    "We?re right screwed now," observed Luke. "Middle of fudging nowhere, bike having fun with the fishes, soaking wet and no fudging idea where tae find this Old Dan character ?? "
    "ah-dinnae-like-it-here-big-man" shivered Him-2. "Its dark-an-cold-an-there's-nae-pubs"
    "Ah know whit you mean....... its a bit creepy like.... like...... LIKE WE ARE BEING WATCHED !"
  11. malkieD2 Ex-Manager and RSA

    Member Since:
    Jun 7, 2002
    star 7
    excellent !!!! well done on giving us the next installment !
  12. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    Sheepshagger spun round to face up the beach, hand already instinctively reaching for his carpet-cutter?.
    "Away put that chib ? a square-go I am no? efter" said a small voice, coming from the equally small man sat on a short wooden bench at the top of the beach.
    Hunched in the starlight, the stranger looked about 300 years old, heavily wrinkled, almost completely bald and stooped over a stumpy walking stick?.but his eyes looked lively enough.
    Absently, he began rolling a single-skinner with one hand, while pointing at Sheepshagger?s submerged scooter with the other.
    "Wondering, I wus, why the ramp like normal folk did you not use ? hmmmmm ?"
    Sighing, Sheepshagger stuck his chib back into his pocket.
    "Look grandad, piss off and gie us peace. We?re no? in the mood for smart-erses efter the day we?ve had?."
    "Come to Millport for the fishing, you have? Or is it naturists you are? To the Jesus beach you are going?" persisted the pensioner.
    "No. No, not fishing , not nuddy-sunbathing, nothing like that??.. eh, what?s this ?Jesus Beach? ?" enquired our hero.
    "ah-heh-heh-heh?.. because ?JESUS !? you would say when saw you all the nekkid old ladies?? ah-heh-heh-heh"
    The pensioner twirled the completed single skinner around his fingers ? then miraculously flipped it up to his mouth, where it landed roach-end first on his bottom lip. He lit it up.
    "So, for why are you on my island ?"
    "Oh its YOUR island, is it now? And here I thought you were just a wrinkly wee waster who hangs about beaches looking for people tae annoy?? well, if you must know, we?re here looking for someone.
    "Found someone you have?.," murmured the old man, through a cloud of pungent blue smoke.
    "Aye, but its no? just anyone we are looking for. We?re here tae meet the top man, the big guy, the boss ? we?re here tae meet Old Dan !"
    "Old Dan ? Old Dan ! Know Old Dan I do, yes, many years have I known him?."
    "D?ye really? You?d better not be taking the piss here. This is serious business."
    "Take you to him, I will, yesssss, come, come, follow ."
    And with that, the aged wee gnome hopped down from his bench and headed off along the promenade at a surprisingly athletic pace.
    "Come follow, take you to Old Dan, yesssss ? but downwind will you stay, please? Of sewage you smell, and off my dinner you might put me?.."
  13. Obi_one_and_only Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
    IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIt's OLD DAN time!!!
    :D

    [face_laugh]
  14. Zoe Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2003
    star 1
    Good stuff, do continue. =D=
  15. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    Down a long, dark, heavily wooded farm lane, just off the A80, Handsome Solo pulled on the Capri Falcon?s handbrake, switched off the ignition and slumped forward to rest his head against the steering wheel.
    "Chewin? Baccy, d?ye wanna get out and see if we?ve got ANY paintwork left ? I canny even bear to look?.."
    With a grunt, the big bristly co-driver hauled himself out of his bucket seat, grabbed a torch from the glovebox in one massive nicotine-stained hand, and stepped out to count the dents.
    "Ma heid is nipping?" groaned Solo. "That was some battering we took out there. Judging by the way she was shimmying back on the main road, we?ve buckled at least one set of rims, maybe two. We?ll need to change them before we get back on the motorway."
    "Well dinnae look at me ? I?m nae mechanic," sighed Senga, who was, it seemed, trying to reduce a newly-lit fag to ashes in a single draw.
    "Maybe no, hen, but ye can hold ma spanner while I do the real work" he grinned.
    "Solo, can ye no give it a rest wi? the smut ? We?re homeless?. again ?.. we?ve lost everybody?? we?ve just been battered all-ways by Strathclyde?s finest??.and oor pet Jakey has just gubbed the last can of super lager. I couldn?y be less in the mood."
    "Ah hen, y?see, it?s at times like this that you?ve got to just get on with chewing what you?ve bitten off."
    "Don?t tempt me, bawbag, don?t tempt me."

    Out in the dark, Chewin? Baccy harumphed as he surveyed the damage to the Falcon?s bodywork.
    "Ah?ll-be-feckin-sandpaperin?-this-fecking-mess-till-CHRISTMAS!" he growled.
    Solo joined him.
    "Chewin?, you get oot the crowbar and bend the wheel-arches back into something like the right shape ? me and Senga?ll get on a change the back tyres ? and YOU?.."
    He gestured at the inebriated Seen-Nuthin?
    "YOU take those empty Bru bottles, find a clean-looking burn, and fill ?em up. The radiator?s holed right through. We?ll need to keep topping it up once we?re moving again."
    Working quickly, and in an unusually silent harmony, Senga and Solo got the back left wheel off and started removing and replacing the rims.
    "Nggghhh !" grunted Senga, pushing her full weight down on the tyre-iron. "NGGGGHHH ? AGHH !" she added, as the iron slipped and she fell forward against the still warm rubber.
    "Here, let me do that," soothed Solo.
    "GET AFF ! I?m fine, I can do it," she hissed.
    "But ah can help, here, calm doon."
    Solo added his grip to the tyre-iron, steadying its direction, and, as Senga added her weight again, the rim popped off with a neat ?ping?.
    "See ? many hands make light work," he smiled.
    "Aye, well, it?s a nice change to see you doing something useful wi? your hands for a change??..instead o? just pullin? the heid aff yir tadger all the time??.. hoi ! dinnae do that !? she yelped
    "Do what?"
    "That !"
    "This?
    "Aye, that"
    "Why not? You like it?"
    "No ah don?t !"
    "Then why are ye shaking?"
    "Ah?m not?"
    "Aye you are?"
    And then they kissed, and there was a moment?s peace....
  16. AngelaJade Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2003
    star 1
    ROFL!!

    Ah, the romance! :)

    And I knew the wee gnome would be good at rollin' a spliff. It's all those Jedi reflexes 'n' stuff.

    :D

    More!!
  17. malkieD2 Ex-Manager and RSA

    Member Since:
    Jun 7, 2002
    star 7
    instead o? just pullin? the heid aff yir tadger all the time

    classic stuff :) you are on a roll now matie !

    edit - is the 'Cloud City' going to be set in a dope smokers den ? :D
  18. Anima Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    May 4, 2004
    WOOT!!! Rich pickings these.... been anxiously awaiting and this made my day completely.

    More more more cried the humor junkie!!!!
  19. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    "ah-scuse me-scuse me-sorry-ah-therrs---a------a------a" slurred Ceen-Nuthin, appearing from the bushes next to the back of the car.
    Their embrace broken, Senga ducked under Handsome?s arm and darted away.
    "a-------a--------a-----" continued the jakey.
    Rolling his eyes, Handsome grabbed Ceen-Nuthin by the drool-encrusted lapels of his Arthur Montford sports jacket and gave him one hard shake.
    "Better make this good, ya pickled prick?." he growled.
    Ceen-Nuthin shut his mouth and gulped, once, hard.
    "A big coo ? with horns ? and huge bollocks ? chased me all the way up from the burn"
    "A bull? Where is it noo?"
    There was a powerful snort from the other side of the car, followed by the sound of a hefty hoof clomping at the earth. Handsome looked round, letting go of the jakey, who scuttled into the back seat.

    There stood an old Aberdeen Angus bull, fully three tonnes worth of beefburgers at least, with its eyes wide and angry and snotters positively streaming from its flared nostrils. It nudged the Falcon with its left flank and the side of the car lifted half a foot
    "That?s it there" said Ceen-Nuttin out his window.
    "You don?t say??.. back in the Falcon everywan?.. NOO ! we?re leavin? !" shouted Solo, diving across the passenger side to get to his seat.

    Senga was already in the back, sorting out the mess Handsome had made of her lippy, but Chewin? Baccy had been knelt at the rear bumper when the shout went out, and opted to take a header through the blown-out back window as Handsome slammed the motor into reverse.
    "AGGGHH get aff me ya great smelly choob" screeched Senga..

    "MMRMMFFLLMMGGRMMFFG" said Chewin Baccy, his face buried between Senga?s arse and the upholstery.

    "Aww naw, I?ve pee-ed ma pants," said Ceen-Nuttin

    "MUUUUUUUUUU-OOOOOOOOO" said the bull, staring into the Falcon?s headlights.
    Handsome floored the accelerator, and the car shot backwards up the lane, closely pursued by the bull, which used the opening space to put on its own impressive burst of thunderous speed.
    "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT" howled Solo, snapping his head back and forward between the on-rushing beast and the whipping rhododendron bushes framing his rear view.
    Then the Falcon was back on the hardtop of the A-80, the wheels found their grip and Solo slammed it into a vicious reverse handbrake turn.
    The bull, meanwhile, shot out of the lane at full pelt and entirely missed the car?s turn, heading straight out into the middle of the carriageway, still bellowing in fury ? until it was squarely broadsided by a passing Citylink coach.

    "There?s always a bigger bastard," murmured Solo.
    "Wrong film, bawbag" said Senga, affectionately slapping the back of his head. "Lets get out o? here before the polis turn up to scrape up some steak."
    "Aye. We?ve only got three good wheels, but I reckon we can make it to Bandy."
    "Bandy? Where the hell is that?"
    "Its not a where, hen, it?s a who. Bandy Caledonian. Old friend of mine, running a brewery up in Croy last time I heard. He?ll hide us in wan o? his sheds no bother. He?s a good guy ? just like me."
    "Bet you I hate the old fanny??" sighed Senga.
  20. Obi_one_and_only Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
    "A big coo ? with horns ? and huge bollocks ? chased me all the way up from the burn"
    [face_laugh]

    That's the best description of a bull I've ever seen!!!
  21. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    i was chased by a hoop snake once
  22. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    Meanwhile, aboard that very same Citylink Coach (which has been requisitioned by Strathclyde Polis as a mobile command centre for the elite unit tracking the neds)???

    "DCI Vader, sur, we?ve just suffered a severe impact with a cow?.we need to stop and do some repairs?..and clean up the gubbins that?s aw splashed up the windscreen and that?.."

    Glowering from beneath the skip of his immaculately black cap, the bushy moustached brute leant towards the driver and wagged one leather-gloved finger millimeters from his nose?
    "Livestock do not concern me, sergeant. I want those neds, not your pish awful excuses."

    A junior officer appeared from the rear of the bus, where the polis radio gear was set up. Sweating profusely, the young man stood behind DCI Vader and timidly cleared his throat..
    "WHIT IS IT, ya scrofulous bag of jakey excrement ?" roared the commanding officer, spinning sharply round on one highly polished heel.
    "eh?.eh?..yiv to ?.eh?..report to the communications center?.eh?.at once??DCI Vader sur."
    "At once ? AT ONCE !?! I?ll at once you, ya alcho-foetal wee fudgepacker?"
    "Its Lord Mayor Pat-Lallytine, sur"
    "Oh. Right. Aye, OK then. Lead the way."

    At the very back of the bus, Vader closed a privacy curtain behind him, and turned to the video monitor sitting on the back seat.
    "Whit can I do fur ye today, yir Lord Mayorship, sur"
    "DCI Vader. There is a great disturbance in the Fartz.
    "I have felt it, boss, but I thought it was the canteen lasagne again?."
    " No Vader. We have a problem -- Luke Sheepshagger.
    "That wee bawbag ?"
    "Yes. He could drop us right in it."
    "But he's just a wee pluke. Obi-Wan McNulty can no longer gie him haunners.
    "But The Fartz is strong with him. The son of Sheepshagger must not become a Nedi.
    "If we could get a Polis hat on his heid, he could be useful, wance we?ve got him up to his neck in back-handers and free massages?." mused Vader.
    "Aye??aye. And you?re no getting any younger, so mebbe it is time to start recruiting again?."
    "Now hold on a minute?"
    "Do as yir told, Vader, or I?ll send those photos of you and the sniffer dog to the Daily Record ," snapped the wizened old politician.
    "Sheepshagger will join the Polis or die, yir honour. I?ll see to it, nae bother."

    The video-link snapped off and Vader scowled at the receding dot in the middle of the screen.

    "Wan day, you auld keech, wan day?." he growled, under his breath.
  23. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    [face_laugh] Still great! Keep it up.

    "There?s always a bigger bastard," murmured Solo.
    "Wrong film, bawbag" said Senga, affectionately slapping the back of his head.


    Haha


    Don't you hate it when unfortunate run-ins with bovine-kind slow down your plans? :(


    -sj loves kevin spacey
  24. malkieD2 Ex-Manager and RSA

    Member Since:
    Jun 7, 2002
    star 7
    "If we could get a Polis hat on his heid, he could be useful, wance we?ve got him up to his neck in back-handers and free massages?." mused Vader.

    great stuff
  25. AngelaJade Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2003
    star 1
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