Star Wars (in Glaswegian) Episode IV - Ra Polis Strike Back

Discussion in 'Scotland' started by PadawanSDM, Feb 20, 2003.

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  1. Phoenix21 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 10, 2003
    star 1
    Just when I think I can find my way around and they have to change it all...

    Write fast, I'll cry if this thread disappears!!!
  2. Merku Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jan 11, 2005
    LOL now that is funny man. Also if anyone wants to learn ned safety here is a place you can look up www.glasgowsurvival.co.uk.
  3. Cobranaconda Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 3, 2004
    star 7
    Ahh! Writ moor noo! An huury it up!
  4. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
  5. Andreas_Lamont Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 15, 2005
    star 1
    i'm going to be thick, where is the rest of this story being finnished about, could i poss get a link to where it is?

    Many thanks

    C'mon the writers this is fantastic stuff.

  6. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    'the Polis Strike Back' needs my attention....
  7. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    the cold fluorescent lights of the Dunblane Little Chef sparked a harsh gleam off DCI Vader's helmet, as he strode up and down the line of hard looking individuals assembled in front of the abandoned service counter.

    'Descriptions of the people I want you to locate are included alongside the disclaimer forms. Should this assignment come to the attention of the media, the polis will deny all knowledge of your involvement. Should you try to grass us up, we will ensure that your stay in Barlinnie will be ... unpleasant'
    'However, if any of you successfully bring me these fugitives - and I want them intact - no slashing - the reward will be substantial'

    Standing by the postcard rack, a ranked officer whispered conspiratorially to a junior uniformed PC..
    'Football casuals... it sticks in ma throat that we're using vicious wee keechs like them to do polis work. Vsder's aff his heid...'

    The moustachioed DCI turned subtly in their direction, and the officer abruptly flushed and fell silent.

    Vader returned his gaze to the scarred and heavily tattooed Dunfermline casual at the head of the football hooligans...Bob Fae Fife.

    'whit? you waiting for a kiss goodbye? get oan with it - bring me Sheepshagger .'
  8. Cobranaconda Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 3, 2004
    star 7
    :eek:

    DD updated it!

    I wus jist aboot tae dae it maself!

    Anyway, [face_laugh]

    Still as funny as ever!
  9. Obi_one_and_only Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
  10. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    Across the wet and windswept Millport Moors, Sheepshagger huffs and puffs, staggering under the weight of Old Dan, who is sitting nonchalantly on his shoulders, using his head as a skinning-up table?

    OLD DAN: "Run! Faster ya wee choob. A Nedi's strength flows from the Fartz.
    SHEEPSHAGGER: "Just as long as that?s all that?s flowing wi yoor fartz, ya old minger ? its hard enough to breathe jogging wi? you on ma back, wi?out having tae hold ma nose every time I feel a rumble?."
    OLD DAN: "Cheek you give me. Defiance. Need that bad attitude you do not. To the Back Side it can lead you?
    SHEEPSHAGGER: "The Back Side ?
    OLD DAN: "mmmmmm yes, ?. anger, fear, moustaches, the Back Side of the Fartz they serve. Dinnae fall for it, or forever will it dominate yir destiny, as it did Obi Wan McNulty?s last apprentice

    Next to a scrubby patch of gorse bushes, Sheepshagger stumbled to a halt.
    SHEEPSHAGGER: DCI Vader ! McNulty never did explain aboot him. Fact, he got shifty-looking whenever I mentioned the subject. Whit?s the score?
    OLD DAN: aye? well?..mmmmmmm...LOOK! A nudey-book. See it can you ?
    SHEEPSHAGGER: Where? Where ?
    OLD DAN: Under yon bush. Get it you could, if crawl in you did.

    Without further ado, Luke lifted the wizened old Nedi master off his shoulders, got down on his hands and knees, and scrambled into the shadows under the gorse?but by some trick of the light, the discarded scud mag had somehow seemed far closer when he?d been stood outside.
    Now he was amongst the branches and thorns, it seemed much further away, though he could just make out that the brunette on the cover had tremendous funbags, which justified continuing deeper into the undergrowth.
    From what now sounded like a tremendous distance, Old Dan shouts after him?.
    "Careful you should be. No toilets there are on this moor. The bushes ramblers use. Mind no put yir hand in a keech?"

    In the centre of the bush, Luke found that the plant had grown tall and formed a dark, dank empty space, devoid of light and life. Abruptly, he was scared ********.
    And the scud mag, which had looked so enticing fae outside, turned out to be an ancient copy of Hello with Carole Vorderman on the front.

    SHEEPSHAGGER:"Buggeration?this is nae good, nae good at all"

    Behind him, he distinctly heard the ?snick? of a Stanley blade being unsheathed, and he whirled to see a big black shape towering over him.
    ?AAAAAAAGHHHH YA BASSSSER?he yelped, snatching his own blade from his belt and waving it about in front of himself. The air was suddenly full of fluttering movement and an unearthly stink, as the hanging binbag full of used nappies he?d just slashed open emptied its contents over him.
    Crying, hysterical, and covered in baby poo, he charged out of the bush, with no regard to the whipping branches and tearing thorns, to fall at the feet of Old Dan, who was quietly enjoying a single-skinner.
    OLD DAN: mmmmm learned something you have?dinnae rake through old rubbish, or jobbies you will find mmmmm?"



    Edit: removed some swearing
  11. Cobranaconda Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 3, 2004
    star 7
    [face_laugh]

    That was bloody hilarious.

    That bit got me in hysterics!
  12. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    Unbeknown to each other, while the Polis bus is parked up round the front, the Capri Falcon is also parked at the Dunblane Little Chef, but safely out of sight, round the back, next to the bins..... which is where we join Chewin' Baccy, as he searches for dinner

    "HRRROOOWWR it-shtinks-in-these-middens-no"
    "Stop yir whining," snarled Handsome, who was busy poking at the Capri's left headlight to see if it could be made to point, however approximately, back at the ground.
    "If they've followed standard Little Chef procedure, all the just out-of-date sausage rolls and pies will be buried under the old lettuce...... get dug down and dig a few oot.... they'll be fine wance their brushed aff.....oh aye, and see if there's any ketchup sachets in there too.
    That'll help hide the taste."

    Senga McGlimpshey looked unimpressed.
    "You fair know how to spoil a girl, dontcha?"

    "Listen, yir Hairyness, the car is gubbed, we're all starvin', and hauf the polis in Scotland are looking for us. If ye want a McDonalds, ye better start walking and hope ye pass a shop that sell's false beards"

    "Pasties !" grunted Chewin' Baccy

    "Good man. Gies a couple here an' I'll stick 'em on the cylinder heid to warm up. God knows, the engine's jist about glowing red hot - why waste energy," smiled Solo.

    Senga: "So tell me mair about yir brewer pal in Croy....."

    Handsome: " well, he's no always been in the distilling business..... he used to grow dope in a blacked-oot, lamped-up warehouse in Maryhill, that's when I knew him, but it couldn'y last. When the wind was the right way, ye could smell the plants in Govan. So wan day, he took his profits, bought an old distillery and set up shop as a legit manufacturer of fine Highland malt.

    Senga: "well, if he's gone straight, he'll no be too impressed wi' you turning up out the blue with a carload o' fugitives from justice, will he?

    Handsome: "Naaah. He's still got no love for the Polis. Last I heard, when the factory shuts doon at night, he keeps a few stills running to knock out illegal batches of poteen.Ye can take the boy out of Maryhill, but ye cannae take Maryhill out of the boy...

    Senga: "but how we going to get there? ye said yirself, the car is overheated tae hell and we cannae try starting her up again for hours."

    Handsome: " See that big Citylink bus round the corner?"

    Senga: "Aye......"

    Handsome: "That'll be heading back onto the motorway soon..."

    Senga: "Aye.......?"

    Handsome: "Chewin' ! get the tow rope out the boot"

    Senga: "Yiv got tae be kidding me......"
  13. Andreas_Lamont Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 15, 2005
    star 1
    LOL, goddam marvelous. twa pint for the creators..

    Cheers
  14. AngelaJade Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2003
    star 1
    "Bob Fae Fife"

    *falls off chair laughing*

    [face_laugh]

    =D=
  15. DARTH_DONALD Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2005
    star 1
    hey guys come on!! we all wont more, i goin into withdrawl with out my dose of this!!! PLEASE, we need more :_| [face_praying]
  16. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
  17. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    though I'd have got more done if I hadn'y went home and drank a bottle of Bruichladdich with ma drummer,,,
  18. Obi_one_and_only Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
    [image=http://www.nestorimports.com/Plomari/glass_Ouzo_Plomari.jpg]
  19. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    uuuuuuurr

    I get heartburn just looking at that.

    how're ye doing Zorba ? still in Glasgow ?
  20. Obi_one_and_only Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
    Aye, still in Glasgow.
    I haven't managed to find anything in terms of a lab job (general funding shortage :( ) and so I have to go back to Greece in 5-6 weeks.
  21. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    well, at least you'll be getting home in time to miss the Scottish winter...

    are ye coming back in the spring? or looking for jobs in Greece?
  22. Obi_one_and_only Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
    I have no ides MrDD.
    I still have to do my army service, and I guess I cannot put it up any more.

    What I will do, depends on my connections (a great thing in Greece connections; the friend of a boyfriend of an acquaintance of a cousin thrice removed will help you) and try to get a job in the private sector. Public sector is out for the moment, since I have to sit 5 ( :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: ) exams to get my Batchelor recognised as equivalent to Greek degrees. I will still continue looking for job offerings in Europe/States and whatever comes up.


    BTW, I will miss the Glasow winter! :D
  23. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    anyway, enough of this gay banter.......the story continues.....

    --------------
    edited by me cos the idiot american 'swear-check' doesn't like 'f - a - g'
    ---------------

    Midnight, and Sergeant Naneata of Strathclyde's finest is looking at his reflection in the rear window of the requisitioned CityLink bus, superimposed on the receding cats' eyes of the otherwise entirely dark M80.
    " fudge me, whit a fuss about a carload o'neds..."
    Drawing hard on the Lambert and Butler clamped under his moustache, Naneata shook his head and started to turn away from the window... but what was that?
    Was that the reflection of his own flaring 'american slang for male homosexual' he'd just seen in the glass?
    He could have sworn that the wee flare he'd seen had been outside.....
    'Hoad oan a minute' he growled, and clicked off the cabin light.
    Eyes readjusting to the gloom, he peered out the rear of the bus, and spotted the orange flare of a 'american slang for male homosexual' again... not his own 'american slang for male homosexual', but someone elses... someone down there... in the shadow of the bus's tail... someone driving what could have been...what was...an old Ford Capri... lights off and tied to the bus with a manky old yellow nylon Halfords tow-rope...

    "DCI Vader" he croaked, throat dry.

    The sign for the Croy cut-off whisked past on the hard shoulder and receded into the distance.... and a hand reached out of the towed car's smashed windscreen, stretched across the bonnet, and cut the tow-rope with one determined slash of something very sharp.

    "DCI Vader !" he managed louder this time.

    The car abruptly whisked off to the right, crossing the serrated white line that indicated the slip down to Croy and a thousand hiding places in the Stirlingshire hill villages.

    "Ya bunch o' fannneeeeeeeeeeees" he heard, and saw several hands flicking Vees as the car disappeared fromn his sight.

    "What is it, Sergeant Naneata?" rumbled a dark voice behind him.
    "I wiz having a nap. It better be good."

    "Oh mammy" sighed Naneata, took one last long suck on his 'american slang for male homosexual' and turned to give his report.
  24. DARTH_DONALD Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2005
    star 1
    oh for fudge sake :mad: i HATEsensors!!!!
    no bein able to put in "american slang for homosexuals", Mr DD, did it change itself, or did some person the states do it??
  25. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    think its automatic......

    I'll try typing f a g

    ****

    yup, automatic.
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