Scotland STAR WARS (in Glaswegian) line-by-line

Discussion in 'United Kingdom' started by MrDankDonk, Jan 10, 2002.

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  1. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    STAR WARS: Ep4
    'YIV NAE HOPE, PAL'

    Pure ages ago, in a galaxy oot past Carbeth.......

    EDIT: This thread is being locked because it has consistantly broken the rules of the boards. ie: replacing one word in a swear word is still percieved to be swearing if that is the intention.

    I enjoyed reading it but rules are rules.

    EDIT: Unlocked. Please play by the rules.

    Yoshee Edit: Unlocked.
  2. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    ...it was a time of loads o barneys and knifings. Ra tongs, fresh from their first good dooen of ra SYTO, were legging it quick style throo Multon...
  3. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    Wi the help of a brick, Princess Senga McGlimshey hus pinched several videos oot the windae at Dixons, and noo the polis, led by that bam DCI Vader, are giving it big nee-naw doon the road efter her
  4. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    (interior of Princess Senga's stolen transit - also present are her two faithful jakey droids - Ceen-nutin and him-2)

    Senga - if yon poils vader gets his haunds on these vids, ma teas oot - here Him2, take this and leg it!

    Ceen nutin - no way man, dinnae tak it Him-2. We're no getting tha jail for that tart!

    Him2 (seriously drunk)proceedes to puke all over Senga.

    Senga - right that's it, i'm pure fed up wi you too - here (puts tapes doon Him2's not-so-dry troosers) (proceedes to boot the 2 droids out of the car and into the gutter).

    edited due to profanity
  5. MOTs_Minx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 26, 2000
    star 6
  6. Shara Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 4, 2000
    star 4
    Dudes, please continue this. It's frickin' hilarious.
  7. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    "DCI Vader , sur."
    "Whit?"
    "Two neds have exited the veecull"
    "Neds do not concern me, serjant - get me that burd and those videos !"

    With her getaway transit van ran aff the road, and her thieving gang in tatters, Princess Senga finds herself cornered by polis.
    "Set truncheons to unconscious...."
    "Come oan then ya bunch of fa...."WALLAP !
    Handcuffed, Senga is hauled up in front of DCI Vader.
    "Vader ya bawbag - you make ma life a misery, so ye do"
    "Aye McGlimshey - ye weren'y collecting gingey bottles this time. Gies those videos, ya wee hairy."
    "Whit videos?"
    "Don't come it with me gurl. You're heading fur the High Court with my toe up yir arse. Get her oot a ma sight !

    Meanwhile, fresh from their tumble oot the van, Ceen-Nutin and Him-2 are trying to figure oot where they are....
  8. MOTs_Minx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 26, 2000
    star 6
    *cough*
    //clearing throat


    Ceen-nuttin & Him2 swagger doon High Street jist comin up tae Trongate.

    Him2 diz a recky an sees a motor ootside the pub unner the bridge an breks intae it...



    Ceen-nuthin - we better watch or ra polis wull be efter us. Heh...witch yoo daein'..brekkin intae tha' motur...? We'll go tae the bad fire so we wull...
  9. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    Blanking Seen-Nuthin, Him-2 hops into the motor and whizzes aff eastwards.
    "aye, go on then ya wee jobbie - some pal you urr......."
    Seen-Nuthin wanders aff westwards....
    "He'll be puggled again in no time - the speccy wee waster"

    Him-2 doesn't get far. Stoppin' ootside Haddows, thinkin' its time for some Bucky, a bunch of bairns with blades jump in the car..

    "Uttini !"
    "Whit?"
    "Tek us to Lenzie, mister, or we'll mark your coupon"
    ~"Aww jeez...."

    Soon efter, Seen-Nuthin's walking along Gt Western Rd, trying to thumb a lift.
    And who should pick him up but..... aye, Him2 and his posse of wee knife-wielding neds.
    "Aww its you, Him2 ? brilliant. I missed ye wee man. Yir my best pal. Where we goin' ?"
    "Lenzie"
    "Aw no....."

    IN THE NEXT EXCITING INSTALLMENT WE MEET LUKE SHEEPSHAGGER - a simple farmboy from the Campsie hill villages who dreams of a life of petty crime in the big city........
  10. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    Luke sheepshagger staggers oot o the sheepshagger settlement in Lenzie and squints against what seems to be two suns in the sky.

    Sheepshagger - Geezus that buckie wiz strong! Belch! Aww **** kebab breath!

    Auntie Morag - Luke, whaur are you goan?

    Sheepshagger - sake morag. Am away to help uncle wullie fund a couple of jakeys tae help wi the garden - thone weeds are aw ower the place noo.

    Auntie Morag - aye, well tell old bawheid tae make sure they speak English. I didnae hae a clue whit the last wans were on aboot haulf the time.

    Sheepshagger - I'll tell him but he disnae pay me any heid so we've nae chance.

    Wullie spots three jakeys sauntering along the road.

    Wullie - A right fellas

    Ceen Nutin - are you the polis?

    Wullie - No way wee man. Am lookin for a haunders wi ma garden - yees up for a few boab lads.

    Jakeys - too right big man - lead on.

    Wullie - Haud on noo - A only need two of yous. (He points to Ceen nutin.) - Do you speak English or Bocce.

    Ceen Nutin - Bocce? Bocce is it - I'll Bocce you ya...

    Wullie - You'll dae and yer pal there - beetroot face.

    Ceen Nutin - Well Him2 - I'm offski so see ye later aligator.

    5 stumbles later old beetroot face proceeds to choke on his own puke and lands face down in the nearby gutter.

    Sheepshagger - what the...Hey Wullie - this guys totally shagged man - lets take the other and leg it.

    edited for profanity
  11. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    So sheepshagger takes these two mingers into the barn and gies them a bath - they're pure stinking......
    "Oh thats brilliant,: sez Seen-Nutin as he sinks into the mixture o' 50 percent sheep-dip, 20 per cent diesel and 30 percent Dettol.
    Him-2s unconscious, and Luke checks his pockets.
    'Ho, whits this?'
    'Whits what?'sez Seen-Nutin, who's soapin' his groin a bit too much.
    'These videos in yir pals kecks? Haud on...thir's a note wi them....'
    READS NOTE, SLOWLY, POINTING AT EACH WORD

    "Obi Wan McNulty - way back in the Calton, you and ma daw got on great, and ye knocked three shades of ****e out of everywan in the Tong Wars..
    "Now Ah need yir help. These vidjo tapes in ma pal's pants grass up Mayor Pat-Lallytine's plans to knock doon Easterhoose with a big cran swinging somethin' ca'ed a 'Death Baw'
    'Gies these vidjo's to ma da, and he'll sort ye oot for some cans and a biryani....
    yors truly
    Senga McGlimshey"

    "She soonds like a right screw - I fancy her rotten," sez Luke (whose no done it with anything human ever)
    'Mebbe she meens that old jakey Ben McNulty up in Falkirk - I'm up for a mission if you pair are !"

    NEXT INSTALLMENT
    "The Falkirk Wastes are not to be travelled lightly, young Sheepshagger,,,,,,,
  12. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    Ceen Nutin falls off the bus and proceeds to lose his lunch - "I forgoat how much I hate bus travel."

    Him2 - "Oh pipe doon ya woos" (looks around) "whaur the feck ur we?"

    Sheepshagger - "The Falkirk wastes - we'll need tae fund old Ben McNulty quickly ah dinnae want to get fund by ony o the locals - they're a bit radio rental and they aw know each ither a wee bit too well around these parts."

    Walking along the wastes Him2 spots something lying gleaming on the grass - "Ya wee beauty...booze." (picks up an empty bottle) "Oi Ceen-nutin? You been here afore."

    Sheepshagger - "here let me see that...Thunderbird - ****! Sand-dancers aright and look! here they come. Leggit!"

    They are chased along the wastes when there is a load roaring noise and suddenly the sand-dancers stop and beat a hasty retreat.

    Sheepshagger looks up the hill and spots a an old man - "Well young sheepshagger, the Falkirk wastes are not to be travelled lightly, whit ye dain up here?"

    Sheepshagger - chasin some burd aff a video, what a babe and a great pair o...

    Ben - "the sound of running water chases the locals for a while but they'll be back so we'd best get a move oan. C'mon we'll go tae my place and hae a couple of cans."

    Ceen-nutin - "Any Cally Super?"
  13. Obi_one_and_only Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
    I've forgotten how mental you people are!!!

    Ho ho ho ho
    a ha ha ha
    I wonder if I'll ever talk like that
  14. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    back in his hoose, Ben McNulty hands oot the cans and plants hisself doon in front of the telly.

    "well, Wee Sheepshagger - looks like yir up to yir neck in this wan - ye better come wi me to easterhoose and gie me haunners'

    'aww, naww, I cannae. aww the heefers back at ra ferm have got mastitis, and ma uncle'll kick ma nuts if a go aff fighting stead o'gieing them their doses......

    ' Sheepshagger, yiv a rep tae live up to - yir old man was the hardest bam this side o' Barlinnie.'

    'Naw he wizn'y. Ma uncle told me ma Dad wiz a wee poof who picked flowers and stuff"

    'Yir uncle's talking jobbies. Yir Dad wiz a pure mental heid-the -baw, and nae-one could touch him - until DCI Vader got him....'

    "DCI Vader ?"

    "Aye well. I'll tell you about that septic fud later - right noo, we've got to get oorselves a motor and get to easterhoose....
    Here - y'better take this. It wiz your old man's chib. He wanted you to huv it."

    :: Luke slides open the ancient Stanley knife and swishes it aboot::

    " Aww brilliant....."

    :: everywan piles oot the door and heads off to the pub, in search of some back-up wi' a fast van::
  15. MOTs_Minx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 26, 2000
    star 6
  16. Shara Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 4, 2000
    star 4
    Ma uncle told me ma Dad wiz a wee poof who picked flowers and stuff.


    OMG this thread is hilarious. You guys so rock.
  17. anakin_pm Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 16, 2001
    star 4
    I would like to request a Universal Translator so that I can under stand what you lot are going on about!! Bablefish doesnt have 'Glaswegian' in its translator!!

    j/k na the ow gret.
  18. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    Meanwhile on the Death-baw Princess McGlmpshey's cell door slides open.

    McGlimpshey: O it's yerself helmet-heid.
    Vader: Helmet-heid? Why ya wee...
    McGlimpshey: Helmet-heid, ba-heid, it's all the same tae me.
    Vader: Listen you, yer in the **** noo unless you tell me whaur those tapes ur?
    McGlipmshey: (with raised single finger) swivell oan this ya tube!
    Vader: Well we've goat drugs tae make you talk.
    McGlimpshey: Drugs? Ya beauty, a huvnae hud a fix in ages man...
    Vader: O just gee hur a kickin lads.

    Meanwhile back in Falkirk...

    McNulty: Right sheepshagger, this boozer is a wee bit on the rough side and it's full o rednecks but we need a driver so watch whit yer dain.
    Sheepshagger: Can I use ma chib.
    McNulty: Naw - ye hauvnae been trained in the ways o the fartz yet.
    Sheepshagger: The Fartz?
    McNulty: Later.
    Barman: Oi, thae two urnae gettin served in here.
    McNulty: Whit?
    Barman: Yer Jakies, they're blootered get them oot.
    Sheepshagger: Listen, yo too wait ootside, we'll no be long.
    Ceen Nutin: Aw come oan just a wee drap. am gaspin man.
    Sheepshagger:wait outside.

    McNulty: Sheepshagger, we're in luck, that hairly bloke chewing baccy there says he might just hauv a driver for us tae get tae Castlemilk tae meet McGlimpshey.
    Sheepshagger: Man, he's pure clatty lookin and he's reeking o p*ss.
    McNulty: Shoosh - he's no deef ye know.

    Handsome yet Solo: Handsome Solo boys, ah hear ye need a fast motor - well ma wee number is the Capri Falcon.
    McNulty: Handsome? that's rich - yon ugly tree must have hud a lot o branches on it.
    Handsome: Whit?
    McNulty: Ignore him, is it fast.
    Handsome: Fast? It's the motor that dun the Bar-isle run in less than 20 minutes - it's too fast for you, old-yin. Whaur are ye goin?
    McNulty: Castlemilk.
    Handsome: Ra mulk, forget it pal, am noo stoopid or desparate.
    McNulty: Look we'll gie ye a fiver noo and another 20 when we get there.
    Handsome: Okay so a um desperate..meet you ootside, parking bay 93.

    Meanwhile, back on the Death Baw, McGlimpshey is being taken to see Vader's gaffer.
    McGlimpshey: Lally-tine - I might o know it wid be you hauding knob-heid's leish.
    Lally-tine - classy chick as always eh? Right, whaur ur thae tapes?
    McGlimpshey: Up yer hol....
    Lally-tine: Thought so...see oot that windae there, that's ra Mulk and unless you tell me whaur the tapes ur, I'm gonnae flatten it.
    McGlipmshey: Haud on big man - Castlemilk is full of decent families.
    Lally-tine: Yer ar*e - it's full O junkies and jakies but if you have an alternative location then spit it oot.
    McGlimpshey: (looking out the windae). Dennistoun, they're in Dennistoun.
    Lally-tine: See Vader, told ye she'd cough up. A whit the...just level it onyway - you may swing ra baw when ready...
    McGlimpshey: Ya lying big ye...

    edited due to profanity
  19. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    So everyone piles oot the pub into the car park ? and Luke Sheepshagger is immediately no too impressed with the Capri Falcon??.
    "Whit a scrapper ? ho, McNulty, wiv been sold a pig in a poke"
    But Handsome?s no having any of this snash?..
    "Listen, ya wee teuchter, get in and shut up. You?ll no have hud a ride this good since the last time your sister goat drunk and forgot to put the snib oan?.."
    "Right, ya bam, that?s it, your deid??.."

    But, as the boys prepare for a square go, two squad cars rip round the corner, sirens blaring??.
    "Crivvens! Lets get oota here!"
    The Capri Falcon flings a major U-ey, jumps the kerb, and roars aff doon the road, with the squad cars in hot pursuit.
    "Whit?s wi the major polis?" asks Handsome?. "dinny tell me yous bams urr waanted fur murder or sumthin?"
    "Drive, ya choob," sez Sheepshagger, "whit was aww yir bawz aboot this heap shiftin??"
    "Listen, ya wee plamff, yir no in a tractor now ? stow it or yir ditched?..
    The big hairy guy chewin? baccy does some gruntin' and pointin'..
    "Aye, there?s the M90 slip," sez Handsome, "wance we?re oan the motorway, they?ll no touch us?..wait fur it?.wait fur it?. RIGHT ? hit the nitrous oxide ??yeeeeeehhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
    In a puff o?fumes, the Capri Falcon rips aff doon the motorway, leaving the polis cruisers looking silly
    "see yiz later ? ya bunch of faaa-nniiieeesssssssssssssss???.."
  20. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    Meanwhile, back on the Death Baw:::

    Pat Lally-tine is sittin' in his office, reading Club International and smoking some Regal Kingsize, with DCI Vader stood at his back, peering oot the windae and smokin' Lambert and Butlers? when in dashes a cooncil flunky wi some news...

    "wiv tore Dennistoun apart, sir, and there's nae tapes - but we found some empty Buckfast boatles - completely dried up - thurs been no neds there fur a good long while....."
    "Ah told you she'd no grass up her pals," growls Vader ...
    "Aww thats it - her baws burst," snarls Lally-Tine. "Vader, ah want that wee coo floatin' face doon in the Clyde by teatime - see to it yirsel".
    "As you wish, wee man, as you wish".......
  21. Obi_one_and_only Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
    Just in case you forgot it.
  22. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    "paging Padawan SDM - paging Padawan SDM - yiv goat an 'McNulty teaches Sheepshagger the proper use of a chib' scene to dae"
    :D
  23. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    The Capri Falcon is tearing through Hypermarket-Space...
    Young Sheepshagger is swinging his faithers chib desperately trying to cut a deep fat black pudding hovering in front of his face.
    Handsome Solo: "Hoi, watch the upholstery we man, that sheepskin seat cover cost me a fortune"
    McNulty "yer swinging it wrang - yer trying to kill yer enemy not trying to gee him another smile..." McNulty suddenly bends over in agony and the black pudding drops on top of Ceen Nutin.
    Ceen Nutin "Ya brammer - I could eat the scab aff a dug's erse"
    Sheepshagger "Whit's the matter"
    McNulty "I felt a great disturbance in the fartz"
    Handsome Solo: "Yer no kidding...yer a*se is pure honking...did something crawl up there and die?"
    Sheepshagger "What happened?"
    McNulty "Nae idea - seemed like hunners and thooosands o people just cried oot in agony"
    Handsome Solo "Well I hud to open the windaes the smell wiz strippin the paint aff ma motor"
    McNulty "Anyway, here pit this helmet on and try again and gimmie that puddin metal-heid"
    Sheepshagger "Yuv pit the helmet oan backwards - A cannae see a thing"
    McNulty "Wid you quit moanin and just git oan wi it"
    Sheepshagger starts swinging the chib again in a vain attempt to cut the pudding
    Handsome Solo "There goes ma furry dice, there's gonnae be nutin left o ma wee motor"
    Finally sheepshagger cuts the puddin in two.
    McNulty "See a telt you it wid be easy"
    Handsome Solo "Ach he wis jist lucky...right here we go - ra mulk"
    Solo disengaged the nitrous oxide...whit happened tae ra Mulk, it's been flattened"
    Sheepshagger "Yer right and it looks much better"
    McNulty "It's been blown up by ra Polis"....

    edited due to profanity
  24. Obi_one_and_only Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
    Yer no kidding...yer a*se is pure honking...did something crawl up there and die?
    Well I hud to open the windaes the smell wiz strippin the paint aff ma motor

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    [face_laugh]
  25. ObiWill Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 24, 2001
    star 4
    I hope you're planning to make this into a fan film... this is brilliant!

    ObiWill
    New York, USA
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