Discussion in 'United Kingdom' started by MrDankDonk, Jan 10, 2002.
This thread is great guys! You'd better keep it goin!
I haven't been on the Jedi Council boards for ages, and had to re-register, but its good to see we hae a Scottish forum! So hey all.
Oh, and buy the way, i'm goin to petrol bomd all your windays if this doesn't continue in tae an Episode 5 an 6! ( just kiddin)
Do you mind if I e-mail this to my clas mate? I'll give full credit to the people responsible for this!
Feel free - it's is posted on the World-Wide-Web after all so we can hardly stop it being circulated.
Can I just confirm you know about the required Royalty payments
Me and PadawanSDM are going to retire on the royaltes from the film adaption......
and wait till you see the merchandising !
there won't be a kid in Scotland without a Handsome Solo shell-suit.........
A Handsome-Solo shell suit
Not to mention a sudden rush for old Capris!
If we are wise, we'll nip doon the scrappies and invest heavily in write-off Capris ahead of the premiere.......
Yeah good idea, I can just see the news breaking on Scotland today...
"Motoring news now and for some strange reason stocks of old Ford Capris are being snapped up from Glasgow scrap merchants as one merchant out it 'aye we've hud loads o blokes wantin tae but ma old Capris, I dinnae know how but the funny things wiz, they all hud a bad doze o wind, if ye ken whit ah mean'"
"An aw the bams kept waving thir hauns aboot and saying "Republic credits will dae fine" or sumptin......
I told them to feck off and come back wi some real money ? I'm a rotarian and I know monopoly money when a see it"
Yuo guys really need to finish this! Its too good to put on hold while you prepare your merchandisiing ideas!
nae more chat......
time to get on with "arrival at the rebel base and Handsome's departure".....
In the Death Baw?s control room, that Auld Poof Tarquin, cooncillor for Kelvinside, and DCI Vader, watch the Capri Falcon?s escape.
"Are you sure that your boys took that scrapper?s registration number, Vader. Ah warn you ? both oor asses are grass if this disn?y work oot. Lallytine wid have us fur breakfast."
"Don?t you worry yir heid, ya Auld Poof ? ah?ve got those belters stitched up tight. Nae one?s gonnie forget today in a hurry ? I?ve offed that wrinkly auld bawbag McNulty, and noo ah?m going efter his pals, and ah?m going efter them mob-handed???"
Aboard the Capri Falcon, heading out along the M8, everywan?s unconscious on account of all the celebratory drinking, bar Handsome Solo, whose still at the wheel, but steering with his knees so he can catch up with the fitba results at the back of the Evening Times.
Princess Senga wakes up, hawks a bogie oot the windae and pokes him in the ribs.
"Gies a fag ya big choob," she sez.
"Charming. How?d a wee scrubber like you get tae be a princess?"
"It runs in ma family??."
"Oh. So why all this stooshy about a bag of hookie videotapes?"
"Those videotapes??..well, see?. It?s a bit of a brass-neck? but ah used tae work at the New Blythswood Massage Parlour?."
"What, that wee knocking shop doon aff Argyll St?"
"Aye?. naw?. well, aye. Ah started in reception, but the money for hands-oan stuff was better? you know the score. Well, wan time, who came in for a wee relaxer but Mayor Lallytine. "
"Ah, the durty auld ******?."
"And while I was giving him a spot o? executive, he came out wi something that I didn?y like the soond of.
"Whit ? he farted during a five-finger shuffle?"
"Naw, naw. He was moaning and mumbling aboot "durty neds" and how he wiz gonna clean up Glesga by flattening every cooncil estate with that Death Baw.
"Oh. Ah see?." Sez Solo.
"So the next time the auld perv came in, a set up the CCTV to video him. Ah?ve got him bang to rights, ******* naked wi? a Fyffes banana poking oot his ring, singing The Sash and goose-stepping aroon? the room.
"So its blackmail yir efter !"
"Naw. Well, aye actually. But first ah?d like to stop Lallytine flattening aw ma pals' hooses. Then ah?ll blackmail him,? she sez.
"There?s nae stoppin? that Death Baw, hen."
"Oh aye there is. Inbetween wanks one day, Lallytine telt me aboot how he made that thing oan the cheap ? aw those big tyres are re-treads. If we can get close enough to slash wan of them, that thing?ll tumble like a ton of bricks."
Handsome Solo turns back to his paper.
"Best of luck hen. Yir oan yir own for that wan"
"Whit. Yiv seen my paps and noo yir aff? Is that the way it is, bawbag?
"Ya hit the nail on the head there, hen"
Senga scrambles aff into the back of the motor in the huff, and pushes * oot of his seat.
* joins Handsome up front.
"Whit a woman that is," he sez tae Handsome.
"Oh do you think so? Ah think ah?ve had quite enuff of her" replies Solo.
"Oh. Good," sez *, tae himself, maistly.
"But ah?ll probably shag her fur the hell of it when we get to her hoose ? I widn?y want to disappoint the wee slapper," grins Solo.
"Nah, big man?don?t you put yirsef oot. I?ll look efter her. Dinny you worry?."
Solo laughs, and goes back to his paper.
Lads, I am very dissappointed!!
It seems you've neglected your sacred duties!
Soon afterwards the Capri-Falcon arrives at the secret ned base in Blackhill...
Sheepshagger "Feck me when did they invent motors that cin use bricks insteed of wheels? It looks like every bugger's goat wan"
Solo "Ya daft tart ye - the tyres huv been stolen...they'll probable end up smokin the rubber"
Sheepshagger "Whit, why wid they smoke rubber?"
Solos "Ah don't know - it lasts longer or something..anyway we're here, no a bad bit or rescuing eh Senga?
McGlipshey "Dinnae be saft - they'll be following us here soon tae finish us aff"
Solo "No way they tracked us - this baby is sportin false number plates"
McGlimshey "True enough, Glasgae is full o Capris stuffed tae the gunnels of Jakies, farm boys looking for a quick feel, the hairest bloke in the West O Scotland who constantly gobs baccy oot the windae, not tae mention me, flashing ma Paps tae all an sundry...Aye, we're perfectly safe here! Ah here's ma main man, Big Gerry Donnar Kebab Aw right kebab breath"
Gerry "Senga, ya we tart, how many blokes ye been shagging in that back O that Capri - Ah thing ye've broken yer ain record"
Senga "As if, tak a look at them, the world's no endin yet...but it might no be long DCI Vader and the Death-Ba are right behind us - we need tae take it doon or our teas oot. Here, let's watch this wee video while we think whit we're gonnae dae."
In the living room of the local shooting up hoose, the gang are a watching Lallytine getting a good seeing over from wee Senga...
Solo "Fecks sake, is that it? - obviously the death-ba is trying tae compensate for certain inadequacies..right, here he goes...and there he went. Well Senga you're either a fantastic shag or he's got the staying power of a rosary prayer group in Larkhall"
Senga "whit can I say"
Sheepshagger "ooooooohhhhhhhh...Ah think I just beat him to it."
Solo "rocket boy strikes again. Right A'm off - huv fun wi the Death-ba"
Sheepshagger "Ya big fecker, always thinking O yoursel"
Solo "Feck off - nae danger o missing who you're thinking of!"
Senga "Let him be farm-boy. Right how are we gonna stop this Death-Ba"
Gerry "A've got an idea - whit we need is a group of deadbeats wi wheels tae try and get close and slash the tyres o that Death-ba - According ta gang-bang McGlimpsey, one slash and doon it comes, I jist hope ye were talkin' aboot the Death-ba"
Senga "Aye very funny...so whaur are we gonna get deadbeats wi wheels?"
Sheepshagger "Am good on a motorbike"
Senga "Ah hae my doobts that you're good at anythin' But we need more."
Gerry "A'm no just called Doner Kebab cause my breath is reekin...ah know loads o motor bike delivery boys and they're all deadbeats"
(you voice of consience)
You must continue the story...
//waves hand in front of Mr DD
PadawanSDM "I will write the next episode soon"
Mr DD "I will write the next episode soon"
:: wanders off in a daze, muttering "I have you now, ya wee bawbag" ::
Paralysing the High Street traffic, the Death Baw trundles northwards, with DCI Vader and yon Great Poof Tarquin standing in the control cab eyeing the Blackhill tenements on the horizon.
"You know something, Vader?"
"I love this fecking job."
"Aye boss. I can see yiv been tentin? yir troosers since Gorbals Cross."
In Blackhill, Big Gerry Donner Kebab hus been oan the phone solid for two hours, calling in aw the hanners he can muster.
Hanging up, he turns to wee Senga and Sheepshagger, who are sharing a wee joint and watching Countdown.
"Right, That?ll have tae dae. Wiv goat three boys coming down fae Dominos Pizzas in the west-end, and anither three coming up fae the Express on Pollokshaws Rd. Wee T-Bone and two of his scooterboy pals are oan there way fae Coatbridge, and Big Goody?s bringing some bikers doon fae Bellshill."
"Ah can go a bike," pipes up Sheepshagger. "I used to bullseye rabbits oan ma ATV back at the farm."
"The mair the merrier, son, the mair the merrier."
Shortly, all the pizza delivery boys, scooter-neds and beardy bikers are sitting about Donner-Kebab?s kitchen, fartin? and smokin? and swappin? stories about speeding tickets.
"Right yous lot," sez Donner-Kebab. "This is the score. There?s a big feck-off wrecking ball oan its way here right noo, and its doon tae us tae stop it. Its armour plated tae the ********, so there?s nae point shooting at it ? but wee Senga there ?.."
The room erupts in a chorus of hoots and cheers and grunting noises?..
"Aye aye. Braw paps. I know. Anyway, wee Senga there has found out that there?s a weak spot ? the tyres oan that thing are re-treads, and we reckon that means cheap, unarmoured tyre valves.
"We need yous boys to get in close tae the axles and nip aff the valve oan the right-side drive wheel. That should overbalance the whole caboodle and send it tumbling. Any questions?
A boy in a Pizza Express jaiket, wi fierce looking acne all over his greasy wee face, stands up.
"Aye. Is this gonnae lose me ma giro?"
"Only if ye get caught wee man ?"
Sunset over Blackhill, and the kids playing in the streets are distracted from the jakey they?ve been kicking about by the sound of twenty or so bike engines roaring into life.
Then doon the hill and past the dump, wave after wave of hard-faced guys on a cavalcade of two-wheelers sweep out of the estate and head for the motorway.
The wee boys scramble aboot looking for things to throw at the pizza bikes, who are trailing behind the main pack, but by the time they?ve gathered in a few bottles and bricks, there?s nothing left but a pall of blue smoke hanging in the dusk.
"skkkkzzztt?.Domino 4?.. Domino 4? come in Domino 4"
"Aye, Domino 4 here"
"Where are ye Domino 4? Ah?ve goat a Mr McLeish in Ibrox who?s been waiting for his pepperoni and mushroom 12" crispy base for 45 feckin? minutes?."
"Ah goat lost boss. Ah?m oan ma way now."
"LOST !!! YE GOT LOST !!! Ah?ll string you up by yir sacks if Mr McLeish dizny have his pizza in the next 30 seconds, ya wee waster, ah?ll make you wish yir mother hudn?ySKKKzzzzzzttfrzzzt."
Switching off his radio, the pizza delivery boy shrugged across at Sheepshagger, who was riding alongside oan a freshly pinched Honda 90, wi the wee jakey, Him-2, clinging oan the back.
"That?s me unemployed again," he shouts across, before closing his visor and revving on ahead.
On reaching the motorway, the various bikes get into formation and the lead man o? the Hells Angels contingent starts barking oot a few organisational orders.
"Right boys, re-tune yir walkie-talkies tae two notches above the polis band, except you Davey. You stay on the Polis frequency and keep us posted.
"Me and the big bikes are going in first ? if we dinnae make it, yoos mods on they poofs chariots are next up?."
"Get it up ye, ya big ****," objects one of the scooterboys.
"We?ll discuss yir attitiude later, ya wee spanner, Do as yir telt??. Noo, if the fannies oan the scooters dinnae make it, its doon to you pizza boys ? Express Pizzas go first, Dominos last.
"Is everywan clear
I told Julian Glover (yes the actor, aka General Veers) about this over the weekend and he thought it was really funny.
I had no idea he was from Edinburgh
Cool Shara - did he fancy having it made into a tv mini-series?
Were you at the Celebration event?