Discussion in 'United Kingdom' started by MrDankDonk, Jan 10, 2002.
//taps fingers impatiently.
Takes a bottle of ouzo and ties it ti a string. starts waving it in front of everybody
This story must continue!
LADEEZ 'n' GENNELMUN
PLEEZ GO BACK TAE YIR SEATS AND QUIT RUSTLIN' YIR CHIP-POKES ..........
STAR WARS (in Glaswegian)
Episode 4 : YIV NAE HOPE, PAL - the big ending
Perched on the lip of the football-pitch-width trench being left in the wake of the Death Baw's monstrous wheels, Sheepshagger guns the throttle on his Honda 90, making a wee whirry noise like an old, sick food-mixer...
"Right, any of youz belters gonnae gie me hanners here?"
From his left, Eck Strachillies, Pizza the Hutt's top delivery boy, swings into formation...
"Ah'm wie you, wee man !"
From his right, wan of the surviving scooterboys skids up on a ratty-looking poof's chariot and flips open his visor...
"Me tae !"
sheepshagger does a wee double-take: "Was I no at school with you? Piggs? Piggs Arsebiter?"
"Aye, its me right enough Luke..."
"I didn'y recognise ye wi' the porno moustache and that...."
"aye, I'm hiding fae the Child Support Agency right noo, ye see...."
"Ah right, same old Piggsy then.......................... well boys, are ye fae a wee go at this big EDIT[/B}? Looks like we're the last men standing....
let's gie it some serious welly this time, and mibbe the polis will'ny get to stomp our heids right away......."
"EDIT AYE!" declare Piggsy and Eck in near perfect unison... and all three of them pop their bikes over the edge and down the steep side of the trench, throttles twisted right back and heids down at speedo level.......
On board the Death Baw, wan of that Great Poof Tarquin's office gophers scrambles up to the security gantry where the massed ranks of Pitt Street's finest are going mental with the riot rifles..
"Tarquin wants yis to ditch they rubber bullets and go wi' the real deal if onny mair of they bikers get within a swipe of they tyres - he's EDIThisself!"
the Polis are chuffed at the prospect of inflicting some real damage...
"Ya beauty - pass me them hollowtips up son... here come three more o' they pyschos noo"
Flat-out and ripping the arse oot of his moped, Sheepshagger is hurtling down the middle of the muddy trench stretched oot behind the Death Baw's carriage, wi' wee Him-2 hanging on at his waist wi' only one hand, cos he's using the other to repeatedly cross hisself...
"gonnae pass us that Gallowgate special, Him 2?"
"mammy-daddy-mammy-- aye here ye are, get oan wi' it -- mammy-daddy-mammy-daddy...."
Him-2 stops crossing himself for just long enough to slip a nasty looking hunting knife forwards tae Sheepshagger, who shifts it tae his left hand....
Hot lead bullets are whizzing all sides of the three advancing bikes, either snapping past their helmets or hitting the ground ahead and throwing up chunks of muddy keech that quickly clogs their visors....
Except for Eck Trachillies, a fashion victim whose wearing a stupid wee piss-pot helmet, and huzn'y got a visor tae hide behind at all.... his face is soon dirtier than a girl fae Govan efter a bottle and half of Lambrusco.
"Sorry, Luke man... I canny hack this at all. Ah'm aff tae pick the grit oot of my eyeballs......."
Eck veers aff sharply, and uses his considerable speed to wheech back up the side of the trench, then, like he's seen on the Dukes of Hazzard, fly for 50 yards with his arse off his seat and his feet trailing behind him...............
Sheepshagger and Arsebiter, both doin' near seventy miles an hour on bikes designed for 45, are now no more than 500 yards from the targetted tyre on the rear offside of the Death Baw
"Just you and me then, Piggsy..."
Suddenly, the barrage of gunfire from the superstructure of the Death Baw stops.
"Aw no..... Luke, here come the polis bikes.."
DCI Vader, resplendent on a brand new BMW 1000 patrol bike, and flanked by two Yamaha 850 outriders specially selected from the elite A9 Perth to Inverness dual carriageway division, roars into view, closing fast behind them, sirens oan, lights flashing..... and toting a semi-automatic each....
Lowering his gun's stock till its sat horizontal across his handlebars and pointing straight at Luke and Piggs' backs, Vader barks at his deputies: "Cover my arse... I'm taking these these wee plamffs oot NOW...."
But, just as DCI Vader fires the first shots of a vicious strafe that could only have ended with Sheepshagger deid, he suddenly finds himself being overtaken - and closed in - by his two outriders.....
"WHIT? Get back in formation NOO, or I'll have you cleaning cludgies in Possil by lunchtime," roars the big masonic monster, as he opens his own throttle to try and get clear of the dangerously close bikes.....
"We cannae, Sir ! We're getting shoved from behind ! Look !"
Vader glances behind him and is scunnered to see an old maroon Capri ? apparently being driven by an ageing former professional footballer and a gorilla wi bad teeth and tattoos ? wi' its bumper hard against his outriders' reggie plates, and its engine howling like a banshee...
"Wait till they see this wan oan 'Police Camera Action'....." sez Handsome Solo, as he takes one sweaty hand aff the wheel, waves a wee "bye-bye" through the windscreen at the furious-lookin' officer on the lead bike ? and flicks the nitrous oxide switch.......
The boost immediately snaps Vader's lieutenants bike's up into 70 degree wheelies, which they hold for about two seconds..... before losing it completely, and cartwheeingl arse over tit across the path of the big man's bike...
Vader's bike first clips the wheel of wan of these falling bikes, then the heid of wan of the tumbling officers, and that's it - he's skidding sideways, completely out of control..
"YAFUKKINWEEJOBBIESI'LLSEEYOUZAWDEIDFURTHISYACCCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN..." then Vader's bike mounts the side of the trench at a little under 110 MPH, still going maistly sideways, and takes-off through the air in the general direction of the Forth and Clyde Canal....
"Awright, wee Sheepshagger, yir all clear - gonnae no make an arse o' this....."
Luke, eyes bulging and teeth grinding like a Hibs supporter at a Happy Hardcore allnighter, takes a sharp intake of breath when he sees that the onward motion of the Death Baw is moving the target tyre valve to the very top of its circle, some 20 foot up, just in time for his arrival...
"Shee-ite. How'ma gonnae reach that?"
But then therz a familiar, comforting smell in his helmet...... and a wee old voice sez...
"Use the Fartz, Luke, use the Fartz"
In a rare moment of clarity, Luke understands perfectly and, as naturally as if he was born to it, clenches his ring-muscle, pushes doon hard from his abdomen, then unleashes an explosively concentrated guff, propelling hisself upwards at precisely the last possible moment...
" GERRITRIGHTUPYE ! " he shouts, as he swings his chib through a graceiul forward arc from behind his back, nicking aff the tip of the tyre valve with a cut so clean it'd have drawn applause from a Newton Mearns rabbi.....
and then he lands back on the seat of his hurtling moped, just in time to bank it roon and away from the Death Baw which, for a wee moment, seems to be completely still....
"YA WEE BEAUTY, KID - aw that right arm exercise came in handy efter all !" shouts Handsome oot the windae of the Capri Falcon...
"Noo can I suggest we GTF before that thing lands on tap o' us?"
Our heroes, using the side of the trench to effect a sharp turnaround, accelerate back the way they first came, as behind them, the rapid deflation of the Death Baw's rear drive wheel sends a catastrophic lurch through its whole height..........causing the biggest wrecking ball in Scotland to swing violently to the left, vastly increasing the amount of weight over its sinking flank...
Inside the control tower, that Great Poof Tarquin, sighs and downs his last glass of single malt........ just as the momentum of the ball overcomes the stabilisers and takes the whole damnable construction crashing to hell...............
Well worth it. maybe we should get ye banned more often.
"Piggs Arsebiter" *chuckles* Not a huge Biggs fan but that's great
Great work DD, and I've missed ya sweet thing.
Padawan SDM ? get in here and polish off the post-battle party scenes and we can roll the end credits......
our surviving heroes, and there are damn few of them - Sheepshagger himself, still carrying the unconscious and bloody Him-2; Handsome and Big Guy Chewin' Baccy in the Capri; Eck Strachillies; and a few battered looking pizza delivery boys - putter through the cross at the foot of Blackhill...
"Would you look at that......." exclaims Solo.....
Th entire population of the estate is running down towards them across the wasteground, cheering and waving their bottles in the air...
"Either they're lulling us intae a false sense o' security so they can nick ma car, or they really think we're heroes............."
And at the head of the advancing crowd, blouse unbuttoned to the waist, is Senga McGlimpshey, clearly pished as a fart and grinning from ear to ear.......
I'll get it all together in one file so we have it forever more...
there's still the medal party and the end credits to roll........
Well done Gordy - excellent stuff mate. Give me a couple of days to do the piss up but I may need some help with the credits if you want to insert piccies.
I think Peter Sloss should be tarkin or Arse-biter.
Who's the new girl Mots-Minx then
I dunno if this has been posted in here yet (haven't had a chance to go through the entire thread), but here's something that's been on the web for a bit, now:
IF STAR WARS WAS SET IN GLASGOW
Chewbacca would look roughly the same, except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill, and called "Shug." He'd have the same amount of body hair, but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink, and invariably sport a Rangers top.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as "Chief" or "Big Yin" by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would addess him as "Wanky-Nobby."
Darth Vader would referred to as "Auld Helmet Heid," or in moments of stress, "That Dome-Heided Basturd."
R2-D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10 PM, because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3500 languages, C-3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a "greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie."
The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record "I Love Scotland" sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader, because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5-inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate, all-out attack. Two easy ways would be -- alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks, or -- leave it unattended in Easterhouse.
Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:
Han Solo: "I've got a real bad feeling about this."
"Ah'm *****ma sel' here, boy."
"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then, *****! Fight the ******* lot o ye!"
"There's no mystical energy field [that] controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter."
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one.
"Stop shooglin', ya wee *******!"
Princess Leia: "[Aren't you] a little short for a Stormtrooper?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"
"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' *****."
Admiral Motti: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader, so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"
Obi Wan: "I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"**** me! whit wiz aw that?"
Luke to the Emperor: "Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh, ye bloody think so? I'll make you feel the ******* Force, pal!!"
EDIT: No swear words!!!
that wee e-mail circular was quite possibly the original inspiration for this thread, but we've maybe gone into the translation in a wee bit more depth since
as you would have seen had you read it, ya lazy bawbag
but what is with all that blue? last time I saw that much blue was on Minxy's washing line last time she emptied the dirty knicker basket......
your no' a hun as well, are ye?
message for Padawan SDM : 'let's blow this thing so we can all go home'
Please read the very first post in this thread.
This thread has been unlocked but you guys must observe the rules of the boards.
:: runs across field of daisies towards 'STAR WARS (in Glaswegian) line-by-line' ::
:: strings soar emotionally in the background ::
:: embraces thread passionately ::
:: spins around, tumbles into daisies and CENSORED the wee beauty ::
I say we just take this over to our boards and forget about this place
Once we get the new website up and running we can format it properly and put it into the fan fiction section.
::marks out of 10 forVim's lightsaber impersonation ::
nah, Minxy, let's finish what we started and then have a wee party here.
Afterwards, we can have some fun trimming this up into a more readable form..
I am tempted to take a (cheap) camera around some of the locations too....
Hrmm, I guess finally the Mods are paying attention to Scotland. Guess that's how it's always been, the last to be noticed.
But I love ya guys, and you shouldn't change a thing!
*smiles* Hi yourself Gordy.
good job gordy!!
can't understand a ******* thing, but it's okay.
Hi Darth Sticks
Heya Shara and Mr D.D
Would you like a whiskey if you are still log on sweetie ?
Okay Gordie. But I've copied it all into Word so we can have a bash at "novelising" it LOL
yir a star
I'm looking forward to finalising 'the Directors cut' with restored special swearing, and some new state-of-the-art swearing sequences
in particular, in the interests of the overall plot, we have to add in the scene where Handsome Solo is confronted by his previous employer, Jabba the Dealer....
"Handsome, my boy, where wid ma business be if every runner on ma books ditched their dope on the hard shoulder of the M8 just cos they got flashed by a speed camera?"
have we a place in our new home where such a lengthy piece of nonsense can safely be put on display?
on a related matter, any idea where wee PadawanSDM has got to?
is it possible that his new employers have a less than relaxed attitude about internet access?
I'm sure that you'd like to talk to him about football today, anyway .......