Chatt, TN Star Wars jokes

Discussion in 'South East Regional Discussion' started by Vesper2112, Oct 25, 2004.

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  1. Vesper2112 FF President & CR, Chattanooga, TN

    Chapter Rep
    Member Since:
    Nov 14, 2003
    star 4
    I don't know if these are old or not, but I ran across a site that had a couple. Enjoy (or groan, whichever):

    Q: What do Hutts program in?
    A: Jabbascript!

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Yoda: Crossing the road not make chicken great.
    Obi-Wan: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.
    Boba Fett: What if the chicken doesn't survive? It's worth a lot to me.
    Han: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!
    Chewbacca: "Rwaaarg Ruff" Translation: "That chicken looks tasty."

    Brief summary of the Episode I:

    Darth Mauled
    Qui-Gone
    Obi-Won
  2. Vesper2112 FF President & CR, Chattanooga, TN

    Chapter Rep
    Member Since:
    Nov 14, 2003
    star 4
    You're a Star Wars nut if...

    You quote the trilogy at apropos moments.

    You draw comparisons to Star Wars in casual conversation.

    You'll pay 10 dollars for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.

    You're always game to hear the latest rumor about Episode III.

    You think John Williams is the greatest composer that ever lived.

    When something is just out of your reach, you close your eyes and try to "force" it into your hand.

    Everytime someone tells you one of their deepest secrets you gloat and say, "You're far too trusting."

    People tell you to stop saying, "I have a bad feeling about this" so often.

    You can't pick up a flashlight without waving it around and humming.

    You think the babblings of Yoda are relevant and useful to everyday life.

    You see the line, "A long time ago..." and actually wonder what they're doing now.

    Yoda and Ben appear to you in your dreams and you take their advice on a regular basis.

    Someone mentions being abducted by little green men and you respond by pointing out that Yoda would never do such a thing!

    You find yourself discussing characters from the books and movies as if they were actually old friends of yours.

    You don't need subtitles when an alien speaks in one of the movies.

    You have a child named after one of the characters or stars.

    You truly believe you are strong in the Force.

    Your computer makes SW sounds whenever you do anything.

    When you get in trouble your parents know that the only effective method of punishment is to take away your privilege to watch Star Wars.

    When you read Star Wars books, you can see it happening in your head.

    You can't quote a line from the trilogy without acting like the person who actually said it!

    You argue with friends/relatives about which movie you're going to watch.

    You know more about the history of Tatooine than you do Earth.

    When someone makes fun of your car you retort, "but it's the fastest hunk-a-junk in the galaxy."

    You're convinced that you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than at a Star Trek convention.

    You refer to the movies in the form of acronyms and episode numbers - and you wonder who the #@$% was "kahn" and why he was so "wrathful."

    You wave your hand at the computer screen to make a webpage load.

    You wish there was a Huttese Language Camp somewhere during the summer. (We'll give those Klingons a run for their money).

    Your life dream is to be in or help make a Star Wars movie.

    You think this list has some good ideas for fun things to do.

    You silently laughed when all the former Star Wars mockers started talking about it at school after the Episode II was released.

    You speak Huttese.

    The people at Toys-R-Us know you by first name.

    Fourth gear in your car is labeled "light speed."

    You once participated in a raid on a Star Trek chat room.

    You have ever felt a great disturbance in the Force.

    You made your Kenner Darth Vader figure a "proper" cloak out of cloth, to replace the cheap vinyl one he came with.

    You won your car playing sabacc and made a lot of special modifications yourself.

    Whenever your mother asked you to babysit your little brother, you always instilled confidence by replying, "leave him to me. I will deal with him myself."

    When trying unsuccessfully to snare that last Cheerio floating in your cereal bowl, you remark, "the Force is strong with this one."

    As a child, whenever you had broken something, your response was always, "It must've had a self-destruct mechanism. I didn't hit it that hard."

    You have lightsaber duelled with cardboard tubes, rolled up periodicals, or anything else.

    When nobody else is around, you've seriously tried to draw something into your hand with the Force.

    You've been pulled over by a policeman and when asked to see your drivers' license you replied, "You don't need to see my identification."

    You have physically threatened anyone who referred to "Hans Solo" or "Dark Vader", confused Star Wars with Star Trek, or spelled Wookiee with o
  3. Vesper2112 FF President & CR, Chattanooga, TN

    Chapter Rep
    Member Since:
    Nov 14, 2003
    star 4
  4. drthmrl Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 31, 2003
    star 1
    warning!!! i think these are funny but some might not...


    Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars (A New Hope)"

    1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
    2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
    3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
    4. "Sorry about the mess..."
    5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
    6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
    7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
    8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
    9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
    10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"

    Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"

    1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
    2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
    3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like
    that, huh kid?"
    4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
    5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
    6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
    7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
    8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
    9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
    10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"

    Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi"

    1. "Rise, my friend."
    2. "Open the back door!"
    3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
    4. "It's just a dead animal..."
    5. "Not bad for a little furball."
    6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
    7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
    8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
    9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
    10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her,
    Chewie."
  5. drthmrl Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 31, 2003
    star 1
    here's a classic David Letterman top 10...


    10. Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner
    9. Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian
    8. Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miata
    7. Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky Mexican caddy
    6. Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin
    5. Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money!"
    4. Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great-grandfather
    3. Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies
    2. New scene in which Jabba the Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons
    1. R2D2? Gay
  6. drthmrl Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 31, 2003
    star 1
    i keep going and going and going...

    You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...

    * Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color. * You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill
    * You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder
    * At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored
    * There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder
    * You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
    * You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
    * You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets
    * You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
    * The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
    * Wookies are offended by your B.O.
    * You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
    * Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
    * You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
  7. drthmrl Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 31, 2003
    star 1
    someone please stop me!!!!

    Top Ten Signs You're a True Star Wars Fan

    10. When arguing Star Wars against Star Trek, you use the words 'Star Trek Sissy Boys' at least 15 times.

    9. You believe President Clinton should increase its budget. (I'm sorry, wrong Star Wars!)

    8. At a Star Wars collectibles convention, you purchase Gammorean Guard saliva.

    7. You waste your time writing Star Wars Top Ten lists. (No comment)

    6. You foolishly believe that Lucas will ACTUALLY make more Star Wars movies, when you know he's just saying that so people will buy the new Star Wars merchandise and books, then in a year he'll give his famous 'I don't feel like it' speech.

    5. You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of Anakin's wife.

    4. You'd actually want a copy of that lousy Star Wars holiday special.

    3. You stick up for Mark Hamill even when you know he's a bad actor.

    2. You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.

    1. You have recurring nightmares about Episodes 1-3 being about a dysfunctional family of Ewoks.
    Top Ten Ways to Know You Bought a Second-Rate Death Star

    1. It has a central exhaust port just below the main port.

    2. It is not a fully armed and operational battle station.

    3. It won't go into hyperspace unless you yell, 'Engage!'

    4. It has the ability to destroy a planet, but it is still insignificant next to the power of the force.

    5. It was designed by NASA.

    6. Every corridor leads to a large, bottomless pit.

    7. The Jawas sold it to you at a loss.

    8. The 'Intel Inside' sticker is starting to peel off.

    9. It has NCC-1701 painted on it.

    10. One word: Outgassing!
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