Beyond - Legends Star Wars MST3K! (YJK, Humor) UPDATED 3/27!

Here's more!

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Callista appears on screen.

Callista: Prepare yourselves for the worst piece of fan fiction you will ever read! (maniacal laughter)

Jaina: (whispering to Luke) Is she on something?

Luke: Knowing Callista, she probably is.

Callista: I leave you to your piteous fate! (more maniacal laughter)

Lowie: That was an experience.

Jacen: I guess you could call it that.

The text begins to scroll down the screen.

>>Chain Reaction

>>Raynar walking throu jungle eating a bannana wen he gets eatin by somthin.

Mara: Poor Raynar. He seemed like such a nice kid too.

Luke: Recently, yeah, but before, he was this little brat that couldn't go two seconds in a lecture without asking some stupid question. And I'm not even going to get into the rainbow robe thing he had going on.

Mara: Rainbow robe?

Lowie: Trust me, you do not want to know.

>> Tennel ka walking throu jungle when she slips on raynars bannana peel & break her neck.

Anja: Tenel Ka, with your being dead and all, does this mean Jacen's available now?

Tenel Ka: Sorry, Anja, but in the event of my death, Jacen will become the property of one of my cousins.

Jacen: Property?

Tenel Ka: What else? I am from Dathomir, you know.

Jacen: (gulps) Okay...

>> Jacens crystal snake gets loose & bites jaina.

>>Jaina was working on dangerous machens wen snake bite her. Jaina fall asleep

Jaina: Amazing, because the last time I was bitten by a crystal snake, it gave me the ability to fly.

Zekk: Really?

Jaina: Sarcasm, honey, sarcasm.

>> Jacen finds his crystal snake & jaina & the machine blows up & kills both of em.

Jacen: Well, that sucks.

Jaina: `Nuff said. Let us move on.

>> Lowies computer has an error & blows up on lowie.

Lowie: The likelihood of such a thing ever happening is, of course, none, but if I'm dead, then I don't see why I should have to read anymore.

Luke: Not so fast Lowie, you're not leaving us again.

Lowie: That's what you think, Jedi Master Sasquatch.

Luke: Now I'm really confused.

Mara: Nothing unusual there.

>> Zekk finds smothing & it's poisones.

Zekk: I never get the cool deaths.

Jaina: That's because the authors know if they ever harm you they'll have to answer to me...and my lightsaber.

>> Raynar & tennel ka & jacen & jaina & lowie & zekk dead

>> Anja alive.

>>The End

Tenel Ka: What a sorry ending.

>>Epiloge:

Mara: You know, if we didn't comment on that sort of thing, the authors wouldn't think they had to put in an epilogue!

Tenel Ka: You would assume that to be true. Shame it isn't.

>> Anja get struck by lightning.

>>Anja dead.

Tenel Ka: I like that ending better.

Jacen: I'm inclined to agree.

Jaina: Me, too.

Zekk: I think it's the best one so far.

Lowie: Definitely one of the better badfics.

Luke: Since I wasn't in it, it can't hurt me.

Mara: Or me. And I did like the second ending.

Anja: I hate you all.

Tenel Ka: Don't worry, Anja, I can assure you the feeling is entirely mutual.

Callista appears on screen

Callista: Well? Didja hate it?

Jacen: Actually, we think it's one of the better ones you've sent us.

Mara: Honestly, Callie, you're not going to get anyone to marry you if that's all you're gonna throw at us.

Callista: Fine then, the next one will be the worst one ever!

Luke: Didn't she say that last time?

Jaina: Probably did.

 

Tenel Ka: Sorry, Anja, but in the event of my death, Jacen will become the property of one of my cousins.

Jacen: Property?

Tenel Ka: What else? I am from Dathomir, you know.

Jacen: (gulps) Okay...

LOL!!

I feel like Oliver Twist: MORE!

 

Yes, please keep writing. Haven't seen anything that funny in a while.

 

That was funny!!!!! I held my sides the entire time and felt like hyperventilating at one point. Great MSTing, Anakina.

 

LOL. I wonder if they're becoming immune to Callista's bad fic by now.

 

Oh, man! I am SOOOO enjoying this, Anakina_Jade! Please keep it up!

 

Thanks, everyone!

Here's the next badfic.

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Everyone is milling around in the abandoned temple waiting for Callista to send them their next peice of hell.

Jacen: I'm once again bored. Is there anything left to do?

Zekk: (reading 10,000 Things to do When You're Trapped in an Old Abandoned Temple by an Evil Woman who Wants to Rekindle an old Flame by Sending you bad Fanfics and Spam) Nope.

Jaina: We'd better find something, I think Uncle Luke is about to lose it.

All look to see Luke huddled in a corner holding an old-fashioned holo camera to his face

Luke: I'm so scared, so scared.

Mara suddenly enters stage right, startling Tenel Ka, who was polishing her dagger while staring down Anja

Mara: Has she called yet? That was my fifth shower in three days.

Jaina, Anja, and Tenel Ka: There's a shower? Why were we not informed?

Mara: Girls, just repeat to yourself, "It's just a story, and I really should just relax."

The girls, however, were already at the door of the shower, doing that, "Me first!" bit normally seen in comic shows and movies.

Jacen: I never thought a hose attached to a stick would be so important to a girl.

Zekk: Those girls are nothing; I remember once seeing a Wookiee who couldn't go a minute without combing his fur.

Lowie: Yeah, I remember seeing him. I think his name was Murray.

Callista suddenly appears on screen.

Callista: Really? I thought his name was Murrah.

Lowie: No, I'm pretty sure it was Murray.

Callista: (noticing Luke) What!? What's he doing with a camera!? And why is he a mindless, quivering shell of the man he used to be?

Zekk: Well, after so many days without you to interrupt our delicate shcedule, the routine and boredom got to him. As for the camera, I honestly don't know.

Callista: (mumbling) Well, I guess my mission is accomplished; I mean, he's not my unyielding love slave, but at least he's broken. (To screen) Okay, since it seems that Lukie is mine, you're free to go, I guess. Just drop him off somewhere away from you and wait for me to let you out.

Jacen, Zekk, and Lowie: FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK THE MAKER ALMIGHTY! FREE AT LAST!

Mara: Hold it, boys. Callie, I'll make a deal with you; you send us another fanfic, and while we're reading it, I'll try to snap him out of it. If I get him out, he's mine. If he stays vegged by the time it's over, you can have him.

Callista: Deal. But I get to choose the fic. (Rummages through a barrel marked with a bio-hazard symbol) Ah, here we go. (Holds up a green, glowing pile of paper) This one is garunteed to bend your minds, twist your socks and water your cat! (Insert healthy dose of evil laughter here)

Jacen: Mara, you do know you just screwed us.

Mara: What do you mean?

Zekk: Well, if you do snap Luke out of Veggie land, ol' Callie's just gonna try harder to get us.

Lowie: And if you don't, we'll have lost Luke completely, and Callista will surely just leave us here to wither and die.

Mara: Oops. Sorry.

Callista: (between laughs) That's...right...enjoy your last moments...of sanity!

Callista blinks off, replaced by a few fanfic previews.

The girls just walk in, soaking wet, and take their places.

Jaina: Next time is my turn.

Anja: Not if I get there.

Tenel Ka: Or me.

Mara: Kids, could you do me a favor and read on while I try to bring my husband out of veggie-ism?

All YJK: Right-o!

Text starts.

>>YJK: Birthdays

Jacen: Not another one!

Zekk: If Callista's statement was true, this is going to be someone's worst birthday ever.

>>Dawn erupted on Yavin 4

All: YAH!

Lowie: Looks like someone's hit the detergent bottle agai

 

Oh, that was good. That was very good. Where do you get these, anyway? Some of them are barely coherent.

 

Thanks! And I get the badfics from a friend of mine. She writes them as bad as possible on purpose.

 

Thanks! And I get the badfics from a friend of mine. She writes them as bad as possible on purpose.

Wow! I never thought I'd be putting the word "talent" in the same sentence as these badfics, but your friend does have a...talent... for excruciatingly bad fanfics! And, I do mean that in a good way! (Also something I never thought I'd say!)




Zekk: (reading 10,000 Things to do When You're Trapped in an Old Abandoned Temple by an Evil Woman who Wants to Rekindle an old Flame by Sending you bad Fanfics and Spam)

*pout* Awww, I want that book....



Girls, just repeat to yourself, "It's just a story, and I really should just relax."






>>"Yes," said Jaina, opening the door

All: To Hell!

>>of Jacen's room. "Follow me."

I have to admit that I nearly spit my ice cream all over the screen when I read that!




This was my favorite badfic so far!

 

*sits with his jaw hanging*

MST3K, eat your heart out...

 

Here's more!

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Text starts rolling:

>>YJK fantasy moon light story:

>>Once up on a time there was a boy, a girl, a goat, a dog, a crown, a cloak, a wizard, and a thrown.

Jacen: Wow, this author knows what a comma is!

Luke: Must be a totally different one.

Mara: Or they got an education.

Jaina: Or they've been holding back the whole time.

Tenel Ka: More likely, it was to annoy Luke so he would whine and Mara would leave him.

Lowie: Probably.

>>The boys name was Zekk, the girls name was Jacen, the dogs name was Anja, the goats name was Jaina, the wizards name was Lowie, and the cloaks name was Mara. The crowns name was TK and the thrones name was Luke.

Tenel Ka: Jacen, is there something you think you should tell me? I'm not like that, I'm not "different."

Jacen: I AM NOT A GIRL!

Jaina: I am NOT a goat!

Zekk: Well...

Tenel Ka: I do not like this author; why can't I be a spear?

Jacen: I like the part about Anja.

Jaina: Doesn't everyone?

Anja: No. But I like your part.

Luke: I'm a what?

Mara: Cloak?

Lowie: Well, so much for a nap.

Zekk: I AM a boy.

Jaina: Good thing.

Luke: Oh no, this author doesn't use flying commas!

Mara: Apostrophes?

Lowie: Ever notice how the text stops so we can complain?

>>the dog own the boy, The girl owns the goat, the goat ate the cloak, the wizard owns the crown and sit on the throne.

Mara: Great, Jaina ate me.

Jaina: Sorry.

Anja: Ha! Payback for all the hatred; I own you, Zekk!

Jaina: Not for long!

Anja: Shut up, you old goat!

>>One day the dog took the boy for a walk and they met a girl pulling a string tied to a fence with a goat named Jaina inside.

>>"Wax youx doinx?x" The boy asked

>>"Ij pullingj the stubornj goatj outj ofj thej penj.

Anja: Oh Jaina, I'm sorry, you're a stubborn old goat!

Jaina rolls her eyes at stupid Anja.

>>Whyx arex you pullx thatx goatx pecialyx whenx itx juxt thex penx youx pullin'x?"

>>Why? Twase wesa gonna staf the universe fromj the evillllll wizead. Da boy taught shebs a stupid blonde.

Luke: I can't take this! This author keeps messing everything up!

Jaina: Expect for Anja being a dog.

Luke: True, true.

>>dog say les go tooooooof. Boy got no choice so they go. The goat opens pen and girl pulls pen behind her. Then shesa stratsa doing cart wheels. The goat do em too. The dog beginth tooum. Boy run to keep up.

Tenel Ka: I do not understand this.

Mara: Good; if you did, we'd worry.

>>Theysa cart whellin into town and find wizard. The girls sing tralalla and wizard just shreak in. He then shoot purlpe lighting at them and the boy ran at him the girl sing louder and the dog hit the fool. Big pooofer and the wizard gone.

Lowie: I feel as loved as Anja.

Jacen: How do you pronounce all of our names anyway? I mean, I once met this nut who said them like this: Yacen, Yaina, Lowie, Ten-al Kah, Zekk, Anjia, Luke-warm, Murfa, Lily, Raynerf, Temith Kay, Visulus, and her friend said them as JacEn Jaina, Luie, Ten-el Kuh, Zak, Tamith Kie, and so on.

Jaina: Jacen, shut up.

>>The girl marry the dog and he takes the throne and crown. The boy promoted from doga slavesa toa goata herda. Tri end!

Anja: Oooh, I make like a bandit in this one! I marry Jacen, own Tenel Ka and Luke and Zekk, and command Jaina...or eat her!

Zekk: I'm going to hurt you!

>>Epiolgue: Jaina goat get eated by dog.

All but Anja: NOOOOOO!

Tenel Ka: About Anja getting her way, of course.

Callista comes on.

Callista: Wadja think?

Lowie: Wadja?

Anja:

 

This gets more and more insane, but more and more funny. Keep it coming!

 

Oh, no! Anja's joined up with Callista!

Great post, Anakina! Funny as always.

 

Whoa! What has got to be the most bizarre one posted yet!

But still great!

More, please! Moremoremore! (Oops. Forgot my commas...)

 

Oh my goodness this is the funniest thing I've read in longer than I can remember. Oh, I don't think I'm ever gonna recover. Oh man.

 

Man, this is hilarious. Great writing!

 

This is, without a doubt, the most funny fanfic ever!

ROTFLMAO!

 

The group of Jacen, Jaina, Lowie, Tenel Ka, Zekk, Anja, Luke, and Mara wake up and find themselves in the same fanfiction-from-hell void they've been in for months.

Jaina: No, don't tell me we're still here! It's been so damn long!

Mara: We must be in Hell.

Callista appears, smiling evilly and holding a packet of paper in her hands.

Callista: Here it is. I think you might end up liking this one. Anja dies.

Jaina: YAY!!!

Tenel Ka: YAY!!!

Anja: I love you guys, too.

Jacen: Maybe the author has more of a brain then we think.

Lowie: From the other fanfics we've read, I highly doubt it.

Zekk: Yeah, we always end up getting screwed one way or another.

Callista: Are you going to babble all day, or read the damn story?

Lowie: Do we actually have a choice?

Callista: No.

Jaina: I actually want to read this one. I can't wait to see you die, Anja.

Anja: Up yours.

>>Anja Finally Dies For Good(thank God)

Jaina: I love the title.

>>One morning Anja tries to seduce Zekk and Jacen. Jaina and Tenel Ka sees and begin to plot revenge.

Tenel Ka: Ooh, this is good.

Jaina: I love this already.

>>We should kill her Jaina says there's no other solution.

Zekk: That's one of the smartest things I've ever seen this author write.

Jaina: Now, if only they could grasp the concepts of grammar and punctuation...

>>We will hack her to pieces with our lightsabers Tenel Ka say Then dump all her spice into the river.

>>We dump her spice first while she's tied to a chair then we unmercifully subject her to repeated showings of Titanic and every time that ugly Leonardo DiCaprio dude comes on we pause the screen for 15 minutes.

Mara: I hate Anja, but I'm not sure I could be that cruel.

Luke: Titanic? That's a fate worse than death!

>>That willtake to long and i cant stand Leonardo DiCaprio Tenel Ka say so lets do the Titanic thing once and then chop her carcass to bits.

Jaina: I am loving this. The author is a genius!

Zekk: Do you love this more than you love me?

Jaina: No, not quite, but it's a close second.

Zekk kisses Jaina, much to the dismay of Anja.

Anja: Do I ever get any good moments in these damn things?

Mara: I hope not.

Lowie: If things seem to follow their regular pattern, then no.

Tenel Ka: This story is brilliant. The best thing I have ever read.

Anja: I feel so loved.

Jacen: Don't.

>>Jaina and Tenel Ka go and look for Anja that druggie loser is probably trying to get into Zekk's pants now but when we get done with her she wpn't be getting into anything anymore cuz shellbe dead Jaina say. Tenel Ka finds Jacen and Anja making out in the bushes and drags her out okay anja you will die now she say. Yeah Jaina say a long and horrible death.

Tenel Ka: Jacen, if you ever make out with Anja again, not only will I kill you, I will neuter you too.

Jacen: But I didn't do it, really!

Jaina: According to the story, you did.

Lowie: Do I even appear in this one, or can I just leave now?

Anja: I need a fix.

Jaina: And I need a ship of my own, but you don't see me getting it, do you?

Anja: I hate you.

Jaina: I hate you, too.

>>Jaina ties Anja to a chair and brings ot a big screen T.V. Titanic is put in and Anja screams for mercy as the tape is stopped on DiCaprio's face NOOOOOO!!!! she shrieks NOT AGAIN!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

Luke: Could this author please stop with the repeated exclamation marks? Please?

>>NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luke: I had to ask.

Anja: This story sucks.

Jaina: How do you like this story, Tenel Ka?

Tenel Ka: Why couldn't a

 

OMG! That was freakin' great! Anja's dead? Yay! (Well, not really. I actually did sorta like her, but not too much).

 

Back to the top!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Oh my gosh, this is hilarious!

Callista is simply beyond evil... [face_shocked]

I can't wait for more!

 

She's gone! Whoah!

Well, they got a bit of a break this fic, didn't they? But more will come...

Be strong Mara! I mean, just LOOK at Luke! C'mon! He is hot! You can stand a couple of badfics! Just get back at Callista by making sure that you and Luke are- how did Jaina put it?- busy when she comes...


Wonderful, Anikina_Jade! Can't wait for the next one!

 

Thanks, all!

Here's the next one (sorry for the wait, but I hope this will make it worthwhile).

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Another day has dawned in what has now become affectionately known as Hell to the young Jedi Knights. Lowie is sending a nasty e-mail to AOL, Jacen is sleeping, Jaina is huddled in a corner, and Tenel Ka, Zekk, Mara, and Luke are nowhere to be found. Then Callista comes on the screen, making everyone in the room groan.

Callista: Good morning, everyone!

Jaina: I hate you.

Lowie: Your service sucks a Hutt's giant ass, so revoke my membership right now. I will be signing on with Freeinternet.com, since they are free and don't piss me off nearly as much as--oh, Callista. DAMMIT!!!!

Callista: Nice to see you too, Lowie, Jaina. Where is everyone else?

Jaina: Hiding.

Callista: Oh. Well, then, I'll just have to drive them out.

A loud recording of Britney Spear's "Oops, I Did it Again" begins blaring. Jaina falls to her knees and screams in anguish as the refrain "Oops, you think I'm in looove, that I'm sent from abooooooooove..." plays.

Jaina: PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF LIFE, TURN IT OFF!!!

Zekk walks in, holding his ears.

Zekk: Where the hell is that annoying teen pop coming from?

Jaina: CALLISTA, PLEASE!!! PLAY LIMP BIZKIT, KORN, THE DIXIE CHICKS, ANYTHING BUT BRITNEY SPEARS!!!!!!!!!!!

Callista: Oh, someone not a Britney fan? Mmmwwwwaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!!(Dr. Evil laugh)

Mara, Luke, and Tenel Ka walk in, looking annoyed.

Mara: Turn that crap off! Britney is a walking trash-bag bimbo. Almost as bad as Anja!

Tenel Ka: You've got that right.

Luke: I agree.

Jaina: I'M BEGGING YOU!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anja appears on the screen, shocking everyone. The music stops. Everyone gasps in unison.

Everyone: Anja?

Anja: You thought I was dead for good, didn't you? Well, actually, the exploding thing I did was a trick I learned from the Nightsisters. Yes, I am a Dark Jedi, and I am going to inflict the greatest pain on Zekk and Jacen for rejecting me and choosing Jaina and Tenel Ka. Read this and come crawling back!!!

The story title appears dramatically on the screen:

>>ZEKK AND JACEN'S MR. ROGER'S NIGHTMARE!!!!


Zekk: Help me, please, get me outta here!

Jaina: Oh crap.

Lowie: Sucks for you two.

Luke: This will be too cruel.

Mara: Who the hell is Mr. Rogers?

Tenel Ka: This can't be happening.

Jacen: Hmmmmm? What's going on?

>>Jacen and Zekk walk and find a yellow house with lots of daisies and green grass a beautiful girl is on the porch it is Anja.

Jaina: Anja? Beautiful? No, I don't think I can call a junkie beautiful.

Zekk: Daisies? Who the hell grows daisies?

Jacen: I'm scared.

Lowie: If you morons at AOL continue to serve your customers so badly, all of your technicians, phone solicitors, CEOs, you name it, will have one less arm to work with.

>>Anja say Hi u guys come and have some cookies with me and forget your stupid girlfriends because they are involved in a love triangle and are on Jerry Springer today

Luke: Would a period here or there really kill this author?

Jaina and Tenel Ka: Love triangle?

>>Zekk and Jacen say ok and eat cookies with Anja. Mr. Rogers come out and skip around singing Won't you be my neighbor? Zekk and Jacen say they will be neighbors and go to TV studio and tied to chairs on the Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood show.

Zekk: That made no sense at all.

Jaina and Tenel Ka: LOVE TRIANGLE?!

Mara: Who was the third person in this love triangle? Never mind, I don't want to know.

Lowie: So kiss my fuzzy ass, you retards. Die and burn in Hell, Lowba

 

Britney - Jerry Springer!

Oh no! This just gets worse - and funnier!

I can't wait for the next...