Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by CodyMonKenobi, Oct 8, 2003.
Not long now untill the end.
Yes, yes. To Neil you listen.
No, No to PadawanofQui-Gon you listen.
why think you that young Neil? [lol, talk like Yoda I do ]
Sorry guys had to work seven days twelve hour shifts this week so I wrote little by little. So without further adue.
EXT. Space: Csillia System
The Sith Infiltrator and four corillian ships come out of hyperspace and are met by seven Chiss command ships, lead by the Behemoth, in a triangle formation guarding the planet.
INT. Behemoth Bridge
The Behemoth bridge crew is all in a scurry getting readings and data, Grand Admiral Thrawn is staring out the window watching the ships. One of the ships Commanders walks over to Thrawn and salutes him.
Cmdr: Sir, their weapons are strong but I believe we can penetrate their shields before they do any serious damage.
Thrawn: Thank you commander. We are going to let this party land, fire a few shots upon their ships and destroy one of the corillian ships.
Cmdr.: [With a puzzled look on his face] Yes Sir.
INT. Sith Infiltrator Cockpit
Einar is flying the ship with a Mon Calamari named Foucarg on his right while Darth Malice stands behind them.
Foucarg: It?s a blockade!
Einar: What do you suggest Foucarg?
Foucarg: Our ships cannot withstand their power, our only hope is to divert all power to our shields and try to make for the surface.
Einar: So you?re saying we need a miracle,(sarcasticly) and I thought this would be hard. (Into intercom) All ships divert all power to shields and make for the surface.
Foucarg: We are ready on your command.
Einar: Gun it!
The five ships fly in a ?V? formation with the Sith Infiltrator in the center. All of the Chiss Ships, except the Behemoth opens fire upon the small task force, as they draw closer and closer to one another.
INT. Cockpit of Corillian ship (left of SI)
Capt: (Into Comlink) Einar our shields are dangerously low, and we?ve lost all of our astromechs
Einar: (from Comlink) Keep pushing we have to make it.
Capt: I don?t know how much?AGHhhhh?
The small corillian ship is seen exploding in a giant fireball. The other four star ships scramble, to avoid debris.
INT. SI Cockpit
All the passengers? eyes are widened, from either the excitement or fear of the battle.
Einar: Lord Malice, all of our shields are low, I don?t think we can make it.
Foucarg: Einar, there are forty-five more ships that have just come out of hyper-space
Forty-four ships that look like desert skiffs, only with domes over the top and one that looks like a party barge.
INT. Space Barge
Gardulla?s sister Tallulah the Hutt can be seen sitting the interior is set up with multiple screens and stations for running the ship, this barge?s primary function was war and destruction.
Tallulah: [in subtitles] All fighters report in.
Comlink: [in subtitles] Red leader standing by? Blue leader? [Human voice] green leader standing by? gold leader standing by.
Tallulah: Show no mercy?Attack.
Thrawn: This is a very aggressive move Prince Ares, I should have expected as much.
Cmdr: What is your orders sir?
Thrawn: Send out the fighters, this victory will be more rewarding then I imagined.
EXT. Space outside Behemoths Docking Bay.
Sixty Chiss Starfighters fly out of the docking bay. The ships are two manned fighters and a chrome silver color (think Stealth Fighters with Solar panels like a tie fighter). The Chiss Starfighters group together and begin firing at all the other ships.
This scene was very difficult to write. Please, give me critsm, this is my first space fight ever (first fanfic) and I want to know what you like or dislike about it ( it is the only way I can improve myself). Where do we go from here?
1) Continue with Einar and Foucarg making for the surface.
2) An unexpected party.
I thought it was pretty good for the first time writing a space fight. Not that I am an expert at writing space fights. But I like it.
I vote for 1.
Opps, sorry I edited my post some when I realize what it said.
I vote 1 as well.
Great post by the way Kenobi
1 for me
Also keep in mind that the battle has just begun. I have a lot of ideas if I can get it on paper like I see it in my head it wil be great.
made a couple of adjstments to the scene. the biggest one is I changed one of Einars lines from
"So your saying we will need a miricle, fat chance that will happen..."
"So your saying we need a miricle, and I thoght this would b hard..."
I thought that sounded more like a scoundrel bounty hunter/mercinary comment.
I have already voted in the other place.
I can not wait for the next section.
agree with you I do
How long have you been writeing for CodyMonKenobi.
Not that I need to, since it looks about unianimous, but I vote #1.
Voting is now locked and #1 wins.
Neil, this is my first fan fic that anyone has ever read I have only written about two chapters in one other story, that no one else has read but myself.
I will have the nex section up later today.
INT. Sith Interceptor Cockpit
Foucarg: We won?t be able to last much longer.
Malice: Lower your shields. Put all power back into weapons.
Foucarg: Without our shields the Chiss fighters will be to powerful.
Malice: Not for a sith lord.
The shields drop and power is diverted to the weapons. The Sith Interceptor and the three Corillian ships are flying through Csillia?s atmosphere when three Chiss fighters surround them.
INT. S.I. Cockpit
Einar: This isn?t going to be pretty.
Chiss fighter pilot: [from comlink] Couracsant vessel you will detour from your present heading.
Einar: Well, here goes nothing.
Einar stands up and yells in the back
Einar: Zell, Wem, We have company.
The two human guards stand to their feet and man the cannons. Looking out of the windows a deep blue sky can be seen with white rolling clouds.
Chiss fighter pilot: [from comlink] This is your last warning you will detour from your present heading or we will blast you out of the sky.
Einar: [into Comlink] Then we?ll see you in hell.
The Sith Interceptor flies with one fighter on each wing and one behind it. The fighter behind fires a torpedo and all ships fall back. The torpedo races toward the Sith Interceptor.
Einar looks at his friend Foucarg with an eerie look on his face.
Einar: I have a bad feeling about this.
Darth Malice rises from his seat and closes his eyes. The two pilots just keep their heading and watch the monitor as the torpedo gains on them, unsure of what their future holds.
The torpedo is upon the Sith Interceptor, when suddenly it seems to bounce off of thin air, changes course and strikes one of the Chiss star fighters. The two remaining pilots scramble out of the way. The beautiful white powdery clouds turn dark and dreadful. Lightning strikes thunder roars, and the wind blows unmercifully.
INT. Chiss Starfighter cockpit.
The Pilot whirls around lightning very accurately and pursues the Sith Interceptor. Suddenly A red light forms around his starship.
Pilot: What the?
He looks down to see if it has caused any damage and notices his power is being drained.
Pilot: [into Comlink] I?m losing power I?m not going to make it.
The Pilot slams down on a large red button and is ejected from his ship.
INT. Sith Interceptor Cockpit
Einar and Foucarg look down at their power supply and notice the power rising.
Malice: Raise the shields Commander.
Foucarg: Yes sir.
The Third pilot flies through the clouds hoping to surprise his prey when he notices on his monitor a ship just outside of the clouds. He pops out quickly only to see that it is the a pilot less Chiss starfighter on its back then with a large explosion the two ships slam into each other. The Four Black Sun ships group together, over a field just outside of the royal city. Escape pods can be seen being jettisoned from all the ships and landing on the ground.
INT. Sith Interceptor Cockpit.
Einar: M?Lord all the men have landed and are getting prepared to march into the city. Would you have us land here?
Malice: No? land in the palace docking bay I must go reclaim my throne.
EXT. City just outside docking bay
Chiss soldiers fire anti aircraft missiles that explode all around the Sith Interceptor. Lightning and fire falls from the sky burning the soldiers and the city around them. The docking bay?s blast door is fastened shut but begins to bend and crumble. Finally the Chiss Army surrounding the docking bay admit defeat and surrender their ground, allowing the Interceptor to land inside.
INT. Royal Docking bay
The Doors to the Sith Interceptor open and Einar, Foucarg, Darth Malice, and Maul walk out to the sound of alarms going off. They look around the room to see a hand full of guards hands raised in defeat.
Malice: I am Prince Ares, I have come back to reclaim th
I vote for 2.
#2 sounds good....
great post #1 here
here is the next scene just because I am feeling generous.
INT. Csillia Palace Corridor.
Sirens can be head throughout the entire palace. Palpatine and Jaron Stand in the long corridor as Aurra Singh walk up to meet them.
Aurra: The Hutt cartel is here and they have engaged the Chiss. Admiral Thrawn believes that they are with Lord Malice.
Aurra: Would you like me to take my ship and assist the Chiss?
Palpatine: No, you will go to the palace gates and help the struggling soldiers with the Black Sun.
Young Donda walks out of her room terrified. The sirens continue and a voice can be heard over the intercom.
Intercom: Prince Ares has entered the palace, all royal guard stand ready.
Donda: (to Jaron) Mesa bery, bery scared.
Jaron: So am I, just stick close to me. I swear on my life you won?t be harmed.
Palpatine throws on a black cloak and hands Jaron back his lightsaber.
Palpatine: It is time that you learn to unleash the darkside of the force
Aurra Singh nods to Palpatine, and runs down the hall way to a large door. She opens it up and laser blasts immediately fly pass her head. She looks in the direction that the blast came from and sees a Trandoshan in black sun armor with a double-barreled plasma rifle, she then lifts her blaster and returns fire shooting him through the eye. The Chiss captain runs up to Aurra while laser fire zooms past them.
Capt.: This group is strong they have broken all our defenses. I don?t think we will be able to keep them out of the palace much longer.
Aurra: Do you have any mobile assault weapons?
Capt.: Very few we have one Assault Tank and ten STAPS. We lost a lot of ground weapons in our war against the Aleena, the rest are in other cities.
Aurra: Get them ready we must hold this ground.
INT. Palace Ballroom
Palpatine, Jaron and Donda walk into a room with large space for dancing the ceiling is decorated with chandeliers. They walk past a large stage like platform in which the curtains are drawn. Without warning, Maul jumps from behind the curtain and wrestles Jaron to the ground. The curtains slide open seemingly by themselves.
Malice: I am disappointed in you Lord Sidious; you should know you will never surpass me as the master. Your overconfidence will be your undoing.
Palpatine: Your time has come old man. It is time for a new era in for the republic.
Malice: If you kneel before me I will make your punishment light.
Palpatine: No, I am the master now. I have started down my destined path. Many jedi have fallen and like them you to will die.
Malice (cackling) You fool, do you think that I have taught you all I know, I have outlived seven former apprentices and I will out live you.
Palpatine: We will see.
Palpatine ignites his red saber, as does Malice.
Where do we go from here? (Yay three choices again)
1) The Jedi need to get in this battle
2) Aurra and the Chiss Protecting the Palace gates
3) Einar meeting up with the Black Sun Group
Hope that small scene got your mouth watering for some Sith on Sith action.
ooooo, no option to stay with the deuling dark-siders?
very well, ill cast in favor of 1 then
Nope wanted to leave you hanging in suspense. I really really would like some critsm guys so don't hold back.