Starbucks: The SW Misc Edition, 2002

OK, here's the latest from Memphis:

A customer of mine was working at Fred Smith's house today. (Fred Smith, for those of you who may not know, is the CEO and founder of Fed Ex, which is located here in Memphis.) My customer was talking to Mrs. Smith (not the one that makes the great pies- Fred's wife), and she told him that she has four cases of Duct Tape in storage. Ah, yes, the Republic is safe.

I know that my Father-in-law swears that if the Japanese would've had Duct Tape back in WWII, they'd have won. And I agree with him there. But, someone please tell me, just how the hell is Duct Tape going to save me from biological terrorist attacks?

Oh, I guess I forgot about the 4-mil plastic! That makes perfect sense now!


Oy! We're all doomed. It makes me think of the old "Duck and Cover" films the Department of Defense put out during the Cold War. Yep, sounds like a bunch of "passify the public with useless protectionist measures" to me.

JD: Hey, maybe that leaflet is actually a highly complex shield that will protect you from the searing, million-degree heat and radiation resulting from a nuclear explosion! That's why they sent it printed single side on two sheets, to maximize it's shielding capabilities!

And, yes, go ahead and play some Stones music. I love the Stones.

<<Actually, someone else who lives in Oz said that the gov is sending everyone gas masks. Is that true? >>

Er.........no.

Although I think my wife would appreciate one when I'm around....

I've always been of the opinion that if nuclear war was going to break out I'd move closer to a target...... that way everything would be over in an inst....

sorry..i'm gonna be respectfully oblivious..

why?
b/c if it happens it happens..i want to spend my last minutes oblivious and without worry..

why worry? it'll only make the end worse..b/c you worry SO MUCH of what you're not gonna be able to do, so that you forget to take stock of what you do have..

so for me..that would be being with my family reading..and starwars..*sigh*

WHY IS THIS WORLD SO FING MESSED UP! DEAR GOD! DON"T THEY REALIZE THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE EARTH..THEY LAUNCH SOMETHING AT US..IT COULD SCREW EVERYTHIGN UP!

ok sorry a moment of rantanation.. bakc to my work..

Thank you all for putting up with me through my moment of temporary hysteria. I'm happy to say that after a full night's sleep I'm back to being my rational self. And I agree....if they nuke us, I'm going outside to enjoy the vie....

Black Comedy...by Starbucks. Sounds like a new beverage.

Boom! Boom!

T! Howdy! How are ya?

If my moment of hysteria was last night, then others had it today. I got two phone calls from clients who wanted terrorism insurance IMMEDIATELY. Had to calm them down and ask them what their exposures really were. Finally convinced them both that they have a better chance of winning the Lotto than they do of being bombed.

I'm glad to see that woman in Texas was convicted of murder. "I did't mean to hit him." Oh noooo, but you did manage to run him over 3 times. Geesh.

I think she should get the vaccine anyway.


Yes, we do specialize in Black Comedy here in Starbucks, don't we?

I agree with all of you who said they'd rather be oblivious. I would rather die in an unexpected instant than suffer the cruelest fate of knowing that I'm about to die, and ever more cruel, knowing all those you love are about to meet their demise as well, and knowing you're helpless to prevent it. That would be a most agonizing death.

Well, another Valentine's day is upon us. A day where we men bust our butts trying to think of something romantic to give our women. As an aid to the few men who do frequent Starbucks, and to those who lurk as well, I supply the following list of things that ARE NOT romantic gift ideas for Valentine's Day:

Snow Tires

Power Tools

Lawnmower

Dishwasher, or any other small appliance that does not attribute to relaxation.

Any movie with, or starring Burt Reynolds, Clint Eastwood, or Steven Segal.

Any movie with, or starring Marilyn Chambers, Linda Lovelace, or John Holmes.

Any item from Spencer Gifts.

A gift certificate to Jiffy Lube.

Leg Wax, or any other depilitating item. If you buy her an Epilady, then you best be prepared to have all the hair ripped violently from you legs the next time you get drunk and pass out.

Beer is NEVER a good choice of Valentine's gifts.

Champale, or any wine or champagne that comes with a screw cap, or in a box.

Kitchen utensils, or aprons.

Anything remotely connected to housework. There are documented cases of men who have had to had vacuum cleaners removed from their nether-regions on Valentine's evening.

Flower arrangements....that you swiped from the local cemetery. Just cause they're pretty doesn't mean that she'll like them.

Cook books.

Workout videos.

Membership to the local gym, or anything remotely associated with weight loss.

The Kama Sutra. We won't go there.

Any book by Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Dance

A boat. Now, while a yacht is perfectly acceptable, a 16-foot John Boat is entirely out of the question.

A moo-moo house dress, nor fuzzy pink slippers. You never want to give her anything that reminds her of her grandmother.

A coon dog, or any other dog weighing more than four pounds.

Anything with the NASCAR or WWE logo.

Any tobacco product, especially snuff.

Anything that was hastily purchased from Walgreens, Rite Aid, or any other corner pharmacy.

A rifle or handgun. Especially if you also got her any of the items I've listed above.

And finally....

Any item from Fredrick's of Hollywood OR Victoria's Secret. Those items are really for your enjoyment and not her's. This is why she wears a checkered flannel nightgown to bed every night and not that red lace teddy you got her last Valentine's day. Use some brain cells, OK? Those things aren't comfortable, they ride up with wear, and they itch. If you don't believe that, then go get yourself a taffeta jock strap and see how it feels!!

Send the above list to all the men you know, especially those that are rednecks. Trust me, they'll thank you in the long run.

Gosh darn-it!! Guess I'd better take these edible-crotchless-NASCAR-camoflage panties I bought at Buck-n-Bass back to the store. Thanks, Tim...you're a real pal.

Anything to help out, Steja. Maybe that's my reason for living.

Right now, Trace and I are watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding for the second time. That is one funny movie, and it hits really close to home for us. Although I'm not Greek, I come from a big, loud, eating, family. Trace comes from a smaller, much, much, MUCH, quieter, more reserved family. Man, that movie is SO us.

I definitly bought that movie..
hilarious!

Priya
hope you all had a nice loving V-day

Speaking of movies, my wife and I just finished "Sweet Home Alabama". Not a bad film, just wish Hollywood would make a movie about the south without us looking like complete and total goobers. I love living in the south...but gimme a break.

I also bought "X-Men 1.5" yesterday. It's got more extras and sneak peeks at "X2" coming out in May. Very cool.

Also heard today that another Marvel Comics character is hitting the big screen in 2005. Look for "Iron Man" to go up against Episode III that summer. I'm still waiting on my favorite comic hero to get the Hollywood treatment. C'mon movie execs!! I want my "Captain America"!!

Speaking of movies, my wife and I just finished "Sweet Home Alabama". Not a bad film, just wish Hollywood would make a movie about the south without us looking like complete and total goobers. I love living in the south...but gimme a break.

I also bought "X-Men 1.5" yesterday. It's got more extras and sneak peeks at "X2" coming out in May. Very cool.

Also heard today that another Marvel Comics character is hitting the big screen in 2005. Look for "Iron Man" to go up against Episode III that summer. I'm still waiting on my favorite comic hero to get the Hollywood treatment. C'mon movie execs!! I want my "Captain America"!!

G'day all,

Well Valentines Day came and went with me managing to achieve NOTHING at all.

I was at work and then my wife worked so we didn't catch up till pretty late.

Soooooo.......

I spent nearly all night trying to fold THESE bastards:

Link to a damn near paper impossibility

I finally gave up realising that I wasn't even going to get ONE of the bloody things to work, let alone my initail hope of folding a dozen of 'em.

So I thought I'd quickly whip up a few picture frames for some large family pics I'd managed to get done. And, true to form, just about anything that could slow me down did - to the point where it was then too damn late to use the power tools I needed.

So, as usual, the best of intentions and efforts amounted to one big fat romantic NOTHING from good 'ol John-Boy here.

My other half was exhausted by the time she got home and wasn't too fussed, informing me that something she had planned was going to take a bit longer as well.

I guess it's a bit like our last wedding anniversary. Our eldest needed to get fitted for a hearing aid and I took the day off so we could both be with her. (She was actually excited to get it since she would be able to stop saying "Pardon?" all the time - but that's not my point)

We could get an appointment in the city in a few months time or go even FURTHER up country for one in only a couple of weeks. We thought it important enough to take the sooner one.

So here we are in the car, cruising along for an hour or so and my wife turns to me as casual as you like and says "Oh, by the way, happy anniversary!" "Oh yeah! You too!" (from me).

That pretty much sums up how romantic things have been around here lately.

Anyone care for a scrunched up attempt at a pink paper rose?

Hi everybody...it's good 'ol double postin' Steja Palex.

Hi everybody...it's good 'ol double postin' Steja Palex.

Man it was so friggin' late when I typed that...then it said "error" or something so I thought that it didn't go thru the first time so I sent it again...my apologies for wastin' good postin' space. I feel like an idiot.

Excuse me, "Amber" is it...I'll have a cappuccino...make it snappy, sweetcheeks.

I only know what taffeta is, and how scratchy it is because, as the brother of three older sisters, and as the father of two girls, AND as the family costumer, I've spent enough time in the fabric and craft stores to know just how scratchy-feeling taffeta is!

JD- It was great of you to try to make something for your wife. I looked at that website, and trust me, I would've said "screw that" (or some variance thereof) long before I tried. I cheated- well, compared to you- and bought Trace flowers. Oh, and speaking of my wife, she didn't mention the anniversary ring she wants on top of that cruise!! I'll have to get a second job....and soon. December 2004 is going to be one expensive month, with five family birthdays, Christmas, New Year's Eve, AND my 10th wedding anniversary!!

Steja: I know how you feel about Hollywood's portrayal of the South. They use Deliverance as their model for Southerners, because most of those screenwriters have never been down here. And then, to top it all off, they get non-Southern actors to portray us. Arrrrggghh!!
It's like I've always said, anyone Yankee playing a Southern role should have permission and training from a true Southerner before taking the role. And we need to keep these folks out of extreme rural Mississippi, Tennessee, Alabama, and Georgia.

...and let's not forget Arkansas.

Let's definitely not forget Arkansas, Steja. The state so dumb that they ripped off Kansas' name.

Isn't it "Joisee"??