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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Stop! Or my HoJo will shoot!!!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Jar Jar, Apr 18, 2000.

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  1. iamurme2

    iamurme2 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 1999
    <<At least I caught it before it got to page 4 this time... barely... where are you people??>>
     
  2. Darth Legs

    Darth Legs Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 23, 1999
    <Sorry, Iam! Legs13 was keeping me away from the computer. She actually punched me!!! *scandalized* She went out to run errands, though, so I had a minute to post. Oh CRAP! I hear her landspeeder pulling up! More later.> tongue.gif (feeling goofy...)
     
  3. Firefly

    Firefly Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Nov 16, 1999
    <I finally got a job. That's why I haven't posted.>
     
  4. Tellesto

    Tellesto Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 7, 1999
    I'll post later...creative block, must let at least 3 people post first!
     
  5. iamurme2

    iamurme2 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 1999
    <<top???>>
     
  6. Darth Legs

    Darth Legs Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 23, 1999
    <<Oh, GREAT Iam!!! You froze the thread!!! Just kidding. Okay *rolls up sleeves* Let's see what I can do. tongue.gif >>

    "Good hostessing is for Martha Stewart!" the Captian of the Fortress of Neutrality cried with vigor, brandishing the spatula he had forgotten to put down.

    Jan, with her quick reflexes, had leapt aside just as the trapdoor triggered, and was standing, apron on, and ladle at the ready (for the chili Irish apparently found and ate) facing Captian Switzerland. NiceGuy hadn't been quite as quick as his relative, and was hanging by his hands from the lip of the opening. Iam had fallen screaming into the darkness, and no HoJo knew what fate.

    Irish, Red, and Hiroko were lolled upon the floor, looking like ragdolls that some thoughtless child had haphazardly dropped. The melted cheese on Irish's swisscheeseburger was dripping onto the floor, still warm.

    Larry, the disgruntled postal worker, I mean, son, of the infamous Captain Crunch, was standing aghast at the doorway of the kitchen.

    Larry, before he had left school to avenge his evil father, had been studying clinical psychology at a well-known college. Recognizing his unreasoning rage at the HoJo's, and being taught that the only cure was complete, and utterly brutal revenge, he had filed for a discontinuance, and was planning to go back the following semester.

    While Larry's face only registered shock and horrer, his analytical mind was whirling at a hundred miles and hour. Captain Switzerland was demonstrating all the symptoms of schizophrenia. Under the stress of staying neutral in all circumstances, his mind must have cracked and fragmented into this frightening apparition, waving his spatula, and laughing maniacally.

    Thinking quickly, before this already abusive megalomaniac turned on him (again) Larry cried, "Look, sir! Cookies!" Throwing a nearby bin of cookies into the air, Larry lunged out the door, speeding to his private ship, hoping to escape the chaos he instinctively felt would soon insue.

    Jan watched in amazement as Captian Switzerland lunged for the cookies, attempting to catch them all before they fell, a look of pure horrer on his face. Acting quickly, she swung around and knocked him out with a punch to the back of the neck. By the time he landed, he was unconscious.

    "Um, Jan? A little help here? I think I'm losing feeling in my fingers." NiceGuy's voice floated patiently out of the trapdoor.

    "Oh, sorry!" Jan hurried over and helped her unspecified relative [tm] out of the hole. Peering past him into the darkness, she said, "Um, do we have any idea where Iam went?"

    "Screaming past me?" NiceGuy asked.

    "NiceGuy, go find Jar Jar. I'll try to wake up one of these," she said, guesturing to her unconscious comrades. "Bring Jar Jar back here, and as soon as we're all up and about, we'll go after Iam, and get back to the ship, okay?"

    "Sounds great," NiceGuy responded enthusiastically. He was thinking of how nice it would be to whip up a nice chocolate cake. He often found cooking relaxing, especially when he could share with his friends. "Should I tie up the Captian?"

    "Good idea," Jan smiled. "And I have another one..."

    Meanwhile....

    Legs13 swung at NiiceGuy, who ducked adroitly, narrowly missing getting clobbered. Finding himself in a dilemma, he wasn't sure how to fight this clone of evil. I mean, he didn't hit girls, and he was wondering if it was time to bend the rules a little. Looking around for some non-damaging, yet somehow effective weapon, NiiceGuy found himself distracted by one of his relatives clones running around even less dressed than usual.

    Shocked, NiiceGuy automatically averted his eyes, turning red. Legs13 took advantage of that gentlemanly reflex to bash him over the head. Roughly dragging his unconscious form to a chair, she tied him down securely, and turned to Legs16, the stupidest of the clones.

    "Make him look pretty," she said darkly. "I think he's a winter."

    Squealing with glee, Legs16 grabbed all the cosmetics she could find, and ran to NiiceGuy, who was sti
     
  7. [Red3]

    [Red3] Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 4, 1999
    Meanwhile, Red was feeling like ****.
    "Holy ****** Gonk, twice in the same thread. And this is ****** worse than the last time. What the hell did we eat?", he managed between clenched teeth.
    "I'd be a ****** genious if I knew" Irish said, faintly.
    "But you gave me the bloody thing!" Red sqealed.
    "So, I ate the same **** dinna I? Besides, I was hungry"
    "So that explains it all then? Well all's jolly ****** well, then, aint it?" Red said, sarcastically.
    "Just shut up and gimme some whiskey" Irish said.
    "I would if I could move" Red said, "but I think 'roko got it worst". Hiroko was still curled up in a ball, eyes tighly closed and sweat pouring down her forehead.
    "Aye, tha lass in pain allright. Tha's HoJos for ye, can't take it"
    "But she did kick the captain's *ss pretty good" Red said.
    "Whazz tha'? You tryin' ta hit on her?"
    "Just shut up, Irish and figure out how the **** we get out of this mess" Red said.
     
  8. Obidiah

    Obidiah Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Dec 17, 1999
    Styrofoam lay scattered across the floor of the otherwise spotless QWERTY Wing kitchen floor. A larger piece of the mostly destroyed Styrofoam Cup of Sorrow and Despair twitched and pulled at itself. Little styrofoam balls began to roll toward the large piece and the evil little cup began to pull itself back together ever so slowly in the hold of the HoJo ship.

    _______________________________________


    Meanwhile (elsewhere/suddnely [umpah-loompah]) Obidiah walked curiously down the corridor in his loincloth. He always liked the freedom of a good loincloth while he was sleeping. It was a longstanding family tradition. However, the age-old question still lingered: "Does a caveman wear anything under his loincloth?"

    Suddenly (I got a river o' life flowin' outta me) Obi got a cave-man like urge and began to run down the corridors. He was sprinting on all fours like Tarzan or something. Just then three cartoon looking chefs stepped out right in his path with blasters trained on the massive beast, but to no avail. This train wasn't stopping.

    Obidiah plowed straight into the three cerial mascotts and as his huge body toppled over them he could hear their fragile cartoon bones as they *snapped* *crackled* and *popped*.

    The trio lay in agony in the middle of the corridor as Obi got up and dusted himself off. He let out an ape-like roar and began making his way toward three doors. After a quick selection (using the tried and true method of enie-meinie-minie-mo) the massive bulk of a HoJo Knight entered the middle door. As he went through the door into a room he was slouched and could just see an opening behind a sign. He went through the opening and began to run on all fours toward some voices.

    He approached some kind of control room with a broken out window. Without stopping the huge red-neck lept out the window with a bellowing gorrilla call and grabbed onto some hanging cables like they were vines in the forrest.

    _______________________________________


    Jan heard something making its way toward she and NiceGuy very quickly and very noisily, but it still shocked her when a mammoth of a man bellowed out an animalistic roar and jumped out from a broken window above them to grab onto some cables hanging overhead.

    As the cables swung the man looked down over his shoulder. Jan looked up and made eye-contact with the huge creature and... "Obidiah!!??" She squeeled. Then suddenly (it's not pretty) she averted her eyes as the age-old question was finally answered for the innocent prude-sider. "Where are your pants??"

    "HEY, Y'ALL!" the red-neck thundered as he hung from the swinging cables.

    NiceGuy studdered as he too averted his eyes from the sight of the loud HoJo, "Hello, Obidiah." Clearing his throat the newly elected HoJo co-leader inquired politely, "Where have you been?"

    <<I just re-read Legs' post and determined that NG should be tying up the Captain (not crunch) and then leaving to find Jar Jar (and IAM who is now frozen in soggonite next to him). We'll just say he just got through tying up the Captain (not Kangaroo) and he's about to head out to find Jar Jar.>>

    [This message has been edited by Obidiah (edited 05-11-2000).]
     
  9. Tellesto

    Tellesto Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 7, 1999
    Tellesto and his group sat solemly eating large corn puffs and listened to the Gandalf Wanna be's singing.
    Tellesto himself had not herd such singing since the last time he watched that stupid animated Lord of the Ring's knock off cartoon.
    He himself though had different thoughts on his mind.
    Had the other group rescued Jar Jar yet?
    Should they continue to look for them?
    Was Legs as serious a problem as the Eternal Smurf showed him?
    He could waste no more time.
    Standing up boldly and grabbing The Guy who thinks he's Gandalf's wand, Tellesto began to speak to the other HoJo.
    "My fellow HoJo...we have been lost in these tunnles for days while they have a barbacue with the bad guy!"
    Warbuff stood up and yelled to Telllesto.
    "A barbacue?
    Yep.
    Really?
    Uh-huh.
    While we eat this preservative crud?
    Yeppers.
    Aw MAN!!!!!!!!!"
    With that the conversation ended and Tellesto knew what he had to do to get to his friends

    "My fellow HoJo...I am going to get us to the group, but I must weild a very deadly power to do it.
    I must use the Contrived Concept of Kevin J. Anderson!"

    The group screamed and Tellesto waved the wand with one last thought in his head as the CC power overflowed the group, "May the Cracker and caffine be with us!"

    Seconds later the deadly power of KJA got them to the control/ Barbacue room, as Tellesto serched for some Knight to tell of Leg's evil plan.

    <Sorry I had to use pure evil, but I didn't know what happend to my group so I assumed we where still wandering the tunnles.
    But now one last plot thread is done away with.>

     
  10. [Red3]

    [Red3] Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 4, 1999
    <Up with ye!>
     
  11. Darth Legs

    Darth Legs Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 23, 1999
    <<Tellesto, how do you know what Legs's plan is? I don't even know! Legs13 is the only one that knows her plan, and Legs the original doesn't really have one yet. Besides, you're trusting a hallucination of a purple smurf??? After all the hallucinations you've already had????? tongue.gif >>
     
  12. iamurme2

    iamurme2 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 1999
    <<why can i not see the last post?? Ah... that's better.>>

    [This message has been edited by iamurme2 (edited 05-12-2000).]
     
  13. Tellesto

    Tellesto Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 7, 1999
    Legs, I don't even know here plan, but I know how to beat her.
    Heh heh heh.
    Your in for a suprise, if I deem the idea good.
     
  14. iamurme2

    iamurme2 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 1999
    <<noone posts all weekend?? where is everyone?? upper from page 5!!!>>
     
  15. Tellesto

    Tellesto Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 7, 1999
    To the top in hopes of a post.
     
  16. Hiroko01

    Hiroko01 Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 14, 1998
    Meanwhile, somewhere in a passed-out HoJo's subconscious...

    <Won't you won't you won't you won't you
    Be my Roko Ono?>

    <GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Make it stop!> Hiroko whined mentally.

    The horrid music stopped and the dancing gnomes slowed, only to pick up again in a different rhythm. No.. no, scratch that. They weren't dancing anymore. They were... running, and jumping rope, and one-two jabbing...

    <It's the Eye of the Tiger>

    <Mommy!>

    Suddenly the cavorting gnomes did a cartwheel and disappeared. In their place was The Styrofoam Cup of Sorrow and Despair (dun-dun-dunnn!)

    <Hello, little one,> it sneered at the food-poisoned psyche. <Do you know who I am?>

    <What did you do to those poor gnomes!?!?> Hiroko demanded. <They were funny! They reminded me of the Underpants Gnomes, I was gonna ask 'em what happened to Irish's-->

    <SILENCE!!!> the cup bellowed. <You will learn to FEAR me, you squidlicking little...!> Suddenly it stopped yelling and spoke again in a calm, sweet voice. <You know how people say they're going to open a, how do you say, six-pack of whoop@ss? THEY'RE WRONG. It's all about the styrofoam cups, my dear young HoJo friend, as you are about to find out.>

    <Blow me,> Hiroko muttered.

    <I BEG your pardon?>

    <Um... show me!>

    <Ah!> The Styrofoam Cup of Sorrow and Despair beamed. <I thought you'd never ask.>

    <Fire away, Chief!> Hiroko responded peppily. The sooner she could get the cup dude to leave, the sooner she could find those underpants gnomes again. Irish was not a happy lush when he was chafing...

    <You see, young HoJo, I was first defeated by your comrades because- while they may not look like much- those bozos somehow pull it together for a post or two just enough to wipe out the bad guy and a few city blocks just for good measure. You can imagine the frustration, being a villain and all. But I- I!-- was the first to notice that on the mental plane, your Gonk and HoJo friends are... how shall we say... vulnerable,> the Cup stated, savoring the last word with an ironic twist.

    <Heh,> Hiroko replied noncommittally.

    <So do you see where this leads, young Knight?>

    <Captain Switzerland wants to break into the Toaster Streudel business?>

    <AAACH!> the Cup outbursted suddenly (gramma voice- I said a boom chicka boom!). <Simpering little twit! THIS is where you end, HoJo! In the psychic world, in your head, your TPOGTAWP is useless... as are your friends. First you, young HoJo, and then your *pitiful* little band... will... DIE,> The Styrofoam Cup of Sorrow and Despair expounded evilly.

    <Poopie,> Hiroko thought. <Red!> she yelled out to the two nearest, um, minds nearby. <Irish! I think I found your frillies, but if you ever want them back I'm gonna need a little help over here!>
     
  17. Darth Legs

    Darth Legs Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 23, 1999
    <<Frillies??? eek.gif Hey, people, this was one page FOUR!!! And I'm one of the last contributors! And I haven't been able to come to TF.N in almost a WEEK!!! What's up?>>



    [This message has been edited by Darth Legs (edited 05-17-2000).]
     
  18. Tellesto

    Tellesto Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 7, 1999
    <<I have not a clue or the authority to post till this gets more story posts. >>
     
  19. Obidiah

    Obidiah Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Dec 17, 1999
    <<I would have upped this yesterday, but I got tired of always upping it and noone posting. I wanted someone else [clears throat loudly]RED or Irish[/clears throat loudly] to post. {Doesn't really matter who... just someone besides me.) I'm actually trying to do work-work today, so I'm not gonna post right now, but maybe later I will be able to. We'll see.>>
     
  20. Jole

    Jole Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 12, 1998
    A lone HoJo was seemingly suspended in space. A backdrop of stars provided the only light.

    Singing could be heard coming from the figure.... "Harrison, Harrison, Harrison, Harrison, Harrison Ford. The only movie star I have ever adored."

    A can of Mountain Dew suddenly streaked through the empty space next to her and screeched to a stop. "Aren't you a HoJo knight?"

    Jole contemplated why a Mountain Dew can was talking to her but decided it took too much effort. "Yeah."

    "Why aren't you down there with the other brave knights doing your part to save the galaxy?"

    "Oh that." Jole tipped her fedora back over her eyes. "I'm on vacation."

    "Heroes don't get vacations." The Mountain Dew tried to look menacing, but let's face it, how does a can look menacing?

    "I don't have a clue what's going on down there anyway."

    "Go. You'll know what to do when you get there."

    Jole let out a frustrated sigh. "All right, all right."

    Suddenly back on whatever planet everyone is on, Jole materialized out of nowhere. The first thing she saw was .....

    [This message has been edited by Jole (edited 05-17-2000).]
     
  21. Darth Legs

    Darth Legs Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 23, 1999
    Hiroko, Irish and Red, passed out on the floor. She wasn't surprised about Red and Irish, but the young oriental girl didn't really drink... Well, not with out a good... Okay, Red or Irish must have made a bet with her or told her it was just orange juice or SOMETHING...

    Anyway, concerned for her fellow HoJo's safety, and knowing they were on a hostile space station, she attempted to revive her compatriots.

    Meanwhile...

    Legs13 sped through traffic in the city of Smilieville on Happy Valley in the Saccharine system. (unless someone else already named the system) She smiled evilly at the packages filling up the back seat of her black convertible landspeeder. It was nice and shiny and sleek, and she had charged a body paint job to her MasterSith, and now had a neat-o gray flame pattern streaming out subtly from the front.

    She frowned at herself. She had actually thought the word "neat-o." Well, she did have the same genes as Legs after all. Some things must be forgiven. She just must not let it screw with her plans. She needed to focus all her evilness to a truly wicked point, a point with which she would slice through all opposition.

    Screaming down the highway in her landspeeder, she began to laugh maniacally...
     
  22. Tellesto

    Tellesto Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 7, 1999
    Page 4!!! All right!!!!
     
  23. [Red3]

    [Red3] Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 4, 1999
    Meanwhile, back in the kitchen.

    "Uh, Irish, you didn't put any "flour" on that steak, did you?" Red asked.
    "Nae, didn't 'ave any. I'd tasted better than" Irish replied.
    "Wierd, because I'm hearing a voice in my head"
    "Tha's jus' tha sobriety speeking" Irish said.
    "No, it's much too coherent. Sounds like somebody is in trouble" Red repiled.
    "Wait a bloody minute! Yeah, someone's yellin' in me head too, some lass. Let's go find out wha she want. Bet ya five bucks she's *****" Irish said and brought forth the almighty Holy Bottle of Gonkitude. They both drank from it and the concious world blurred out and they stood face to face with the Styrofoam Cup of Sorrow and Despair.
    "Oh, ****" Red said.
    "Hey, you guys! What took you?! You're slower than a friggin Hutt on tranquilizers!" Hiroko said.
    "Shut up, we're here aren't we?" Red said.
    "Oh, Irish, I think I found out were your lost briefs are. The underpants Gnomes have them"
    "Whas tha'? My briefs?" Irish said.
    "Um, you know that those briefs are one of the known universes most lethal weapons. They can turn the most fertile plantet into a wastland in less than 30 seconds. Eats through a five inch wall of ****** durasteel in two. Biohazard doesn't even begin to describe them" Red said, "and thats why Irish only wears boxers now".
    "Thas right, those things are evil" Irish said.
    "Um, why am I not surprised" Hiroko said.
    "Excuse me for interrupting your cute little reunion there, but now I think it's time for you to die" the cup said.
    "Shut up! We're thinking here!" Hiroko yelled.
    "Fine, just don't get grouchy about it. It's nothing personal, it's just one of those things us really frickin' evil masterminds have to do, it's in our contract" the cup said.
    "All right, just give us a minute, then you can kill us" Red said.
    "So what now?" Hiroko said.
    "I say we all get drunk" Irish said.
    "Good idea" Red said.
    "Shut up, hmm, if those briefs are as lethal as you say they are, why not use them against the cup over there" Hiroko said.
    "Huh? How? Those things have a mind of their own, you know"
    "So we'll convince it. Anyway, we find them, stuff them in a ball or something round, and I bat them into the cup using the TPOGTAWP" Hiroko said.
    "The buggers can move around by themselves, ye know" Irish said.
    "So we'll frickin' knock them out! Big deal! I don't see you coming with any better suggestions"
    "We did" Red said.
    "What?"
    "Get drunk"
    "Aaaahhh!"
     
  24. Obidiah

    Obidiah Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Dec 17, 1999
    Jan-lo stood next to Jole over the unconcious bodies of their comrades. The two looked at each other and readied the buckets of ice water they had prepared. They each swung their bucket back and began to sling it forward when suddenly (you knew it was comming) the scene changed!!

    NiceGuy and Obidiah were making their way down into the bowells of the ship level by oder-defiled level. Just then Obidiah heard a noise. He whispered (or as close as the deep-voiced red-neck could come to it) to his friend and authoritative figure, "D'ya hear thait?"

    NiceGuy jumped slightly at the loudness of the other's whisper as if something had broken the sacred silence as he had indeed been trying to discerne where the sound had come from.

    Just then a dog entered the corridor about fifty-yards down from NG and Obi. The two HoJo looked at each other and then back at the dog. Having a soft spot for all G-D's creatures Obi began to make his way toward the puppy. NiceGuy, being the more level-headed (bet you never would have guessed that) of the two, grabbed Obidiah by the arm to stop the massive Jedi.

    As Obi stopped where he was three more dogs came out and then they stood up on their back legs. More and more dogs continued to walk out.

    Finally a little boy came out in front of the multitude of dogs. It was a little blonde kid with blue eyes which were crossed and a high-squeeky voice. He pointed at the two HoJo and demanded, "You are intruders. My name is Timmy and these are my," the kid spread his arms to make sure the HoJo knew he was talking about the dogs, "Evil Collies from Bermuda Which Defend the Depths of the Hewlet Packard!!"

    "HOO-DOGGY!," Obidiah whispered loudly to NiceGuy as the two both lit their lightsabers (at least I suppose NG lit his lightsaber... who can tell??). "Thar's gunna be a bar fite!!"

    NiceGuy nodded agreement as the horde of dogs commanded by little Timmy boy paraded forward. "Only no bar."

    Suddenly ('cuz IIII'm the only one, grrrrowwll) someone else posted...

    [This message has been edited by Obidiah (edited 05-23-2000).]
     
  25. Jole

    Jole Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 12, 1998
    "Nooooo wait!!" The annoying can of Mountain Dew swooped down at Jole and Jan lo.

    Startled, the two HoJo's dropped their buckets of water.

    "What do you want now?!"

    "They are Gonks, you can't throw water on them. What if they accidently ingest some?" The can implored.

    "You're right, they might melt or something." Jan tried to think of a new way to revive the troublesome duo.

    "You mean like the Wicked Witch of the West?"

    The Dew can nodded, very proud of itself. Thinking it's work was done for now, it circled around the women and headed off.

    "Not so fast." Jole grabbed the can. "Hiroko is a HoJo and there is one guarenteed way to revive us."

    "Caf...feine?" The can stuttered.

    "Exactly." Jan lifted Hiroko to a sitting position as Jole started to pop the tab.

    Suddenly (Ahhhh yes) .....
     
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