Beyond - Legends STORY HELP!

what do you think of my story so far?
its set 500 years after the battle of yavin and i need some feedback for the beginning!

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(no whole series title yet)


EPISODE 1:THE LIVING FORCE
Ryaf stared out into the twin suns of tatooine and smiled. It had been 3 years since he had left his home planet tatooine but he was back at last. He held his head high as he walked out of the ship and his life as a warrior and back to his life as a civilian. As soon as he got out of mos eisley spaceport his family were standing there waiting for him. They all came up to him and hugged him.

?How are you son?? his mother asked in her quiet and kind tone of voice.

?I?m fine but WHAT THE?? he yelled as a huge explosion erupted in the middle of the town. Then a huge cloud of dust covered the whole area making them unable to see.

When the smoke cleared Ryaf could see 12 men wielding red lightsabers walking towards the spaceport.

?Get back!? he shouted at his family as he drew his blasterblade, a weapon that was a vibroblade and a blaster rolled into one. He ran toward the dark Jedi, but they just jumped over him and murdered his family. To his bewilderment, Ryaf found he just stood there, watching. Suddenly he ran at them and started hacking at them continuously not even stopping to see how many remained. Ryaf almost grabbed him by he collar but he just fell backwards so Ryaf stabbed the blasterblade into him, impaling him on the ground.

 

I have a few suggestions:

1. get a Master to show you around the boards
2. Write a longer post
3. Thing of a title, cause if you post things like "please read my story", "Story help", "read this etc etc etc" people are NOT going to read. It it's just too darn annoying to read every little drabble some kids write and then not continue.
4. Take a good look at other people write. If you write to get people to post to your story you definitely need to do better than this.
5. Don't overdo things.

 

I would like to start off by saying Welcome to the boards. I wanted to provide you with some links that I think you may find helpful.

Fan Fiction Writers Resource is a forum that has many threads that have suggestions for writing.

The Fan Fiction Orientation Guide is a place where you can get some more one on one help. You can find a master in the Adopt-A-Newbie thread. A "master" will volunteer to help show you the perverbial ropes and also to act as a beta (someone who will edit your story for grammer/spelling and style)

 

What happened to ur other one? Oh well, btw, all u have to do to change the title is edit ur 1st message title...but it's a little late 4 that. Ne ways, Adopt a Newbie is really helpful, on Fan Fiction Resource, but sometimes ppl there get a little...sidtracked.

PM me when you can! The story looks gr8!

Courtney_Solo