Suffocate (A one post, Obi-Wan story. Emotional torture)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Cheryl_Kenobi, Dec 30, 2001.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Cheryl_Kenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 6, 2001
    star 4
    I feel nothing
    Longing for something
    Show me what you're made of
    Drugs to soothe me
    ************************************
    He betrayed me.

    He was my Master; my mentor; my father...And he threw me aside, and for what? -

    - A nine-year old brat, for whom, he denounced me in front of the Council.

    That boy is dangerous, and Qui-Gon is too blind to see it.

    Just as blind, as he was with Xanatos.
    ************************************
    (All alone)
    Leave me here I'm dying
    (All alone)
    Just kicked me in my face
    (All alone)
    All alone and crying
    (All alone)
    I suffocate
    ************************************
    Before, when I said I had a bad feeling about this, I meant it. Now that feeling is growing stronger, but I guess it's the price I have to pay. I backstabbed him on Melida/Daan, and now it's his turn to do the same.

    I may become a knight, but I will never forget the day when my Master basically said that he didn't want to train me any more.

    It hurt.

    Myself, him, and that boy standing in front of the council, and him saying that.

    It really hurt.

    I tried to hide my emotions, but I think Master Yoda sensed them anyway.

    Not my master; another.
    *************************************
    I'm not gifted
    Slightly twisted
    Try hard try hard
    To see if I can push you any further
    Drugs to soothe me

    (All alone)
    Leave me here I'm dying
    (All alone)
    Just kicked me in my face
    (All alone)
    All alone and crying
    (All alone)
    I suffocate
    *************************************
    It hurt, when I shut down the training bond between Qui-Gon and I, and it feels strange to not have another in your head, when you have had him in there for over a decade. If Qui-Gon has noticed its absence, he hasn't confronted me about it. We are getting ready to go back to Naboo, for the queen doesn't want to remain here, where it is safe. Qui-Gon is probably in his room packing for Anakin and himself. Not even thinking about how wrong it might have been to say that to the council and not even warn me first.
    *****************************************
    Please believe you'll save me, rearrange me
    I can feel your feelings running through me
    Take away my sorrow my tomorrow
    Heal me
    *****************************************
    Great. Now I'm sounding childish. Just perfect. I guess I better go see if he is done yet, as our flight leaves in a hour, and we need to meet with the Queen before we go, and...

    What if I am wrong?

    What if he really does think I am ready to be a knight? I am twenty-five. The normal age to pass though is about twenty-eight.
    ****************************************
    (All alone)
    Leave me here I'm dying
    (All alone)
    Just kicked me in my face
    (All alone)
    All alone and crying
    (All alone)
    I suffocate
    *****************************************
    I guess I should...talk to him. Apologize and see what he says, but...

    I just can't shake the feeling that something very bad is going to happen.

    Will I not pass?

    Is that the feeling?

    Well, whatever it is I will stay by Qui-Gon's side, and hope for the best.

    No matter what happens.
    ****************************************
    I'm suffocating
    SUFFOCATE (come suffocate)
    ****************************************

    So how did you like the story?
    Feedback is ALWAYS welcome. :)
  2. TheFallen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 27, 2001
    star 4
    Never question your writing abilities EVER because you're one helluva girl! I always look forward to reading whatever you put out. I never worry about it being bad, and neither should you! Short, but good.
  3. Mcily_Nochi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    Interesting. I'm not really into prequel books and stuff, so I didn't get some things.

    It reads like a song, with a refrain and everything. Very cool. Reminds me of the fic I just wrote about Tahiri after SbS.
  4. ArnaKyle Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 12, 2000
    star 4
    very nice! if you'd like, check out S.T.O.P. in writer's resource, support for one post fics! :)
  5. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Cheryl that was wonderful!! Painful to your readers as it was to Obi-Wan, especially when we know the outcome.
  6. Cheryl_Kenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 6, 2001
    star 4
    THANKS

    I WILL check out that thread. Cuz while writing this I thought of another one poster.

    TheFallen: I had tried to do another story long before any of the others. It's locked now and there was one one post on the thing. BUT I was looking at it last night and I may ask someone to unlock it that way I can finish it but I don't know if I will. So if you do see a story named Can't Take That Away. You may want to look at it.
  7. ewen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 11, 2001
    star 4
    I usually read just JA sories OBI/QGJ H/C, lots of mush{I know I am a shallow person}but I must say this was beautifully written,and I did enjoy reading it.PEACE Ewen
  8. TheSwedishJedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 15, 2001
    star 4
    That was great Cheryl. I'm a sucker for anything that deals with Obi and hurt.

    I agree with Fallen, you are a really good writer. I'll read anything of yours. :D

    Keep up the good work.

    ~Swede :p
  9. Casper_Knightshade Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 18, 2000
    star 6
    Well crafted, blending in with emotional thoughts with poetry/song lyrics. It mixes in the books and the movies, but at the same time you could apply the structure differently for different meetings.

    More importantly it gets to the point; be it a one post or a very long story, start at point A is the easy part, but getting to point B is where the work pays off.

    Well done.
  10. Cheryl_Kenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 6, 2001
    star 4
    Thanks you two

    I really thought the song fit well too. I only took out one line of the song "Lie in bed to take your cloths off" I didn't think that would really work in the story.
  11. TwilightKat Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 12, 2001
    star 2
    :) looks great!
    I love how you've added the song; it fits in perfectly, and emphasises it instead of detracting from it as in some cases of songfics.

    ps - :D and I agree; that line wouldn't quite fit [face_laugh]
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.