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FF:VIC Super man, Its not Easy

Discussion in 'Oceania Discussion Boards' started by DarkJediTJ, Oct 2, 2002.

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  1. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: What do you call it when you lease false teeth?
    A: A dental rental.



    A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.

     
  2. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out." They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometime In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside. One day In was out and Out was in. Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

    "My my, Out," she said, "How did you find In so quickly?"

    Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."

     
  3. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: What is yellow and wears a mask?
    A: The Lone Lemon.

    The miserly squirrel never found a mate, because he insisted on a prenutshell agreement.
     
  4. fatboyslim

    fatboyslim Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 1, 2003
    You know the worlds gone crazy when

    - The best rapper is white
    - The best golfer is black
    - The french call Americans arrogant
    - and the germans don't want a war.
     
  5. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    That's it Slim, join the longest running comedy act on the Boards. The Mixo comedy hour.

    A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

    Q: Why do marble statues look so mean?
    A: They have hearts of stone.
     
  6. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A
    young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He
    had spiked hair in all different colors:
    green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man
    just stared. Every time the young man looked at
    him, the old man was staring.
    The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the
    matter old timer, never done anything wild in
    your life?"
    Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got
    drunk once and had slept with a parrot. I was just
    wondering if you were my son."
     
  7. fatboyslim

    fatboyslim Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 1, 2003
    "The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss

    I did not kill my lovely wife.
    I did not slash her with a knife.
    I did not bonk her on the head.
    I did not know that she was dead.
    I stayed at home that fateful night.
    I took a cab, then took a flight.
    The bag I had was just for me.
    My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
    When I came home I had a gash.
    My hand was cut from broken glass.
    I cut my hand on broken glass.
    A broken glass did cause that gash.
    I have nothing, nothing to hide.
    My friend, he took me for a ride.
    Did you take this person's life?
    Did you do it with a knife?
    I did not do it with a knife.
    I did not, could not kill my wife.
    I did not do this awful crime.
    I could not, would not anytime.
    Did you hit her from above?
    Did you drop this bloody glove?
    I did not hit her from above.
    I cannot even wear that glove.
    I did not do it with a knife.
    I did not, could not kill my wife.
    I did not do this awful crime.
    I could not, would not, not anytime.
    And now I'm free, I can return
    To my house for which I yearn.
    And to my family whom I love.
    Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!
     
  8. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    That's it Slim, keep the ball rolling!

    In a particular small country, there was a king. He was much beloved of the people, and so they built for him a castle. But they were poor people and could only afford to build it out of grass. So they worked for weeks, and finally completed a lovely woven grass castle for him. And the king was pleased.

    Another country, significantly richer than the first, presented a peace offering of an ornate throne. The king accepted this gift graciously and was most pleased. The only trouble was, the throne was very uncomfortable. So the king got himself a more comfortable chair and kept the massive throne in the attic. Naturally, it fell through the floor and killed him.

    The moral of this story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
     
  9. fatboyslim

    fatboyslim Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 1, 2003
    This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give him."
    Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't play their instruments.

    The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it.

    The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough the octopus starts to play it.

    The bartender then walks into the back room and comes back five minutes later with a set of bagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn't be able to play it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits.

    After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the owner of the octopus says, "Come on now! Play it!"

    The octopus replies, "What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaid pajamas off of it, I'm gonna screw it!"
     
  10. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Thats it Slim we are a comedy duo. Just like Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, Martin and Lewis.



    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
    "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
    "Well, Brenda... no."
    "No?"
    "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

     
  11. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    A director decides that he's going to make a movie based on the lives of famous classical composers. Looking for a prospective cast, he asks Sylvester Stallone which composer he would like to play in the movie. Stallone thinks for a moment and says, "I like Mozart. Let me be Mozart."

    The director then turns to Arnold Schwarzenegger and asks him who he'd like to play. Arnold replies, "I'll be Bach!"
     
  12. fatboyslim

    fatboyslim Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 1, 2003
    Well i decided i can't let you go it alone and plus we can post whatever we want in here and no one will ever check, watch. **** you PoT and Hawk.




    In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
    Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

    And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

    The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

    The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

    Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."


    You're an idiot, Paul. :p You think I wouldn't watch a thread which consists almost entirely of Mixo's posts? ;)
     
  13. _Holocron_

    _Holocron_ Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    May 4, 2002
  14. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Hey this is the coolest thread ever created. It is a laugh a minute. I love slim as my straight guy.

    Q: How do you know when the moon is going broke?
    A: When it's down to its last quarter.

    Q: What do you call a white, puffy space alien?
    A: Martianmallow.
     
  15. fatboyslim

    fatboyslim Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 1, 2003
    Damn they do Mod this thread, and others read it aswell, what the.


    A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
    "You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?''

    ''I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!'''
     
  16. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back?
    A: Wheeeeee!


    Q: What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
    A: If you hadn't been so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!
     
  17. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    4 women at a training college were asked to solve a problem.
    They were told to measure the height of the college flag pole by any means they deemed possible.
    Of they went to the flag pole equipted with tape measures, ladders steps,
    paper, pencils rope and all things needed to to ensure their safety when up the pole.
    When they put the ladder against the flag pole it kept sliding across the rungs, climbing on the steps they realised they were not high enough, shimmying up the pole was also a no no.
    This now caused a major problem how the hell are they going to measure the height of the flag pole.
    They sat down and tried to approach the problem at a different angle.

    While all this was going on a student of engineering was watching them and seeing them sitting and pondering over there problem he approached them and asked them what the problem was.
    The young women explain there problem to the student who at once show them how to go about it.
    He approached the flag pole.
    He pulled it from its socket in the ground.
    He laid it on the ground.
    He then measured the entire flag pole.
    He gave the measurement's to the Blonde, replaced the flag pole in the ground and went on his way.
    "Bloody Typical" said the Blonde he went to all that trouble with the flag pole and what have he given us.
    Tell you what he have given us "The bloody length of the pole not the "bloody height,
    we are now back to square one".
    Dumb student engineer.
     
  18. HawkNC

    HawkNC Former RSA: Oceania star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Oct 23, 2001
    Heh...I love engineering jokes. :p
     
  19. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Mixo tries to please the masses

    A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be incredibly rude. Eventually, the scientist got sick of his clone and pushed him over a cliff. The next day he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
     
  20. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    A cowboy is walking through dangerous Indian territory quivering with fear because they are known to be extremely tough.
    He almost makes it out when he finds himself surrounded by a gorup of 100 braves.

    "You come with us"

    After binding his hands and feet they take the cowboy back to their leader.
    The Chief however, is a fair man and when he sees the cowboy he orders the braves to untie him.

    "I give you chance. There are a thousand of us and only one of you." he bellows
    "I want to make it more fair. I let you have any item you wish!"
    "BUT......." he continues
    "If you ask for one sword we all get TWO swords. If you ask for one horse we all ride TWO horses!"

    The cowboy sits down to contemplate his decision.

    "I'll have one glass eye!"

     
  21. fatboyslim

    fatboyslim Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 1, 2003
    A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to a banquet, so they decided to give Jeeves, their butler, the night off. An hour later, the wife found the banquet to be quite boring so she left while her husband was still conversing with some of his friends. When she got home, she saw Jeeves sitting at the dining room table alone. She took him up to the master bedroom, and locked the door.
    ''Jeeves, take off my hat,'' she said, which Jeeves promptly did. Next she told him to take off her jewelry and gloves, and he did. ''Jeeves, take off my dress,'' she ordered, and he did what he was told. ''Jeeves, take off my bra and underwear,'' she said, and he nervously followed her order.
    ''Jeeves,'' she started, ''I never want to see you wearing my clothes again, or you're fired.''
     
  22. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Play it again Slim


    After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

    Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

    God: So you will always want to look at her.

    Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

    God: So you will always want to touch her.

    Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

    God: So you will always want to be near her.

    Adam: That's wonderful Lord ... and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

    God: So she would love you.
     
  23. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    A magician was hired to
    entertain on a cruise ship. The captain's table was near the stage and the captain's parrot started figuring out how the magician was doing his tricks. "The card is in his sleeve, aawk!" Or: "The rabbit is in his
    hat,aawk!" This really started to irritate the magician, but the parrot would'nt' stop. Night after night the parrot would ruin the magician's show. One night the ship hit an unchartered reef and sank. The only survivors were the parrot and the magician and they were both clinging to a piece of debris. For two long days they just glared at each other, bobbing up and down in the waves. Finally, the parrot says: "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
     
  24. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman.

    "Officer," he said, "what's going on?"

    "You're under arrest," said the policeman.

    "But why?" he asked.

    The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."

     
  25. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Once there was a cubical seed lying in a triangular forest. He buried himself in the spherical earth and went to sleep. Years later, he woke up, discovered what he had become, and exclaimed, "Gee I'm a tree!"
     
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