FF:VIC Super man, Its not Easy

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat.
My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

 

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

 

Q: Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
A: In case she had to draw some blood.




A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live".
The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"

The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".

"Just name it, I'll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?

The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."

 

Q: What is Dracula's favorite movie?
A: The Vampire Strikes Back.

Q: What does a cannibal call a man in a hammock?
A: Breakfast in bed!

 

Q. What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A. Hope it's Halloween.

 

Q: Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
A: Because the captain was standing on the deck.

Q: What fish do knights like?
A: Swordfish.

 

Q: What does a broom do when it's tired?
A: It goes to sweep!

Q: What bug tells time?
A: A clock-roach!

 

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"He called back!"

 

Q: What animal makes a lot of gas?
A: An aardfart!

 

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God To Destroy The World

Disgusted by what he has seen on earth, God decides to destroy it and start over.
He orders one of His angels to appear at the offices of four of America's leading
newspapers, the Wall Street Journal, the SF Chronical, the Washington Post and
the New York Times, in order to give them the scoop that He intends to destroy
the world in 2 days time.

The next morning, the following headlines appear:

Wall Street Journal: GOD TO DESTROY THE WORLD TOMORROW!! MARKETS WILL CLOSE EARLY!

SF Chronicle: GOD TO END WORLD TOMORROW!! ANTI-RELIGIOUS PROTESTS PLANNED. ACLU TO SUE GOD!!

Washington Post: END OF THE WORLD IS AT HAND, GOD SAYS!! SEE ARTICLE ON PAGE 12-B.

New York Times: GOD VOWS DESTRUCTION OF THE EARTH!! WOMEN, CHILDREN AND MINORITIES TO BE HARDEST HIT!!

 

Q: Why did the teacher wear dark glasses?
A: Because she had such a bright class!

Q: Where do you find elephants?
A: Where you left them!

 

Q: Why did the dog go to court?
A: Because it got a barking ticket!

 

Q: Did you hear about the bankrupt goldfish?
A: He became a bronze fish!

 

Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?
A: During ape-ril showers.

 

Q: How do you make a bandstand?
A: Take their chairs away!

 

Q: Why did the horse eat with its mouth open?
A: Because it had bad stable manners!

 

Q: How can you tell if there's been a hippo in your fridge?
A: He leaves his initials in the butter

 

Q: How do you stop a monster from digging up your garden?
A: Take away his spade.

 

Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!

 

Q: What's yellow and fast?
A: A banana in a racing car!

 

Q: Who stole the soap from the bathroom?
A: The robber duckie!

 

Q: What's invisible and smells like bananas?

A: Monkey burps!

 

Q: Why did the skeleton go to the Chinese restaurant?

A: To get some spare ribs!

 

Q: What's the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor?

A: Rabbit Hood.