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FF:VIC Super man, Its not Easy

Discussion in 'Oceania Discussion Boards' started by DarkJediTJ, Oct 2, 2002.

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  1. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    That's it Vader.

    I say I say I say

    Mixo: "My dog has no nose"

    Vader: "How does it smell?"

    Mixo: "Terrible"

    Boom Boom!
  2. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    Mixo: "What's green, has four legs and could kill you if it fell from a tree?"

    Vader: I don't know. What is green, has four legs and could kill you if it fell from a tree?"

    Mixo: "A billiard table"

    boom boom
  3. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines, and everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his boss how excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down.

    "But why?" protested the hapless young man.

    "Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."
  4. The_Shadow88 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 17, 2002
    star 1
    What's red, bubbly and scratches at the window?








    A baby in the microwave.
  5. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    He he ha ha . I love baby jokes.

    Q: What is red, sits in the corner crying and keeps getting smaller and smaller?

    A: A baby combing its hair with a vege peeler!
  6. The_Shadow88 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 17, 2002
    star 1
    lol

    ok heres some more.

    Q: Why do they boil water when a baby's being born?
    A: So that if it's born dead, they can make soup.

    Q: Why should you put a baby into a blender feet first?
    A: So you can see the expression on his face.

    Q: What is worse than running a baby over with a car?
    A: Getting it out of the tires.

    Q: What's red and sits in a highchair?
    A: A baby eating razor-blades.

    Q. Whats more fun that spinning a baby on clothes line?
    A. Stopping it with a shovel.

    There, all the baby jokes I know.
  7. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    He he ha ha


    First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
    with a real dead human body.

    They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white
    sheet.
    The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have
    2 important qualities as a doctor:

    The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
    For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt
    of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

    "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

    The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
    turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
    "The second most important quality is observation.

    I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger...
    Now learn to pay attention."
  8. The_Shadow88 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 17, 2002
    star 1
  9. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    But interesting! A nice little life lesson!


    The PM and Johnny.
    The PM Jean Chrétien was visiting an elementary school,
    and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related
    to words and their meanings.

    The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the class
    in a discussion of the word "tragedy". So, Jean asked the class for an
    example of a tragedy.

    One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is
    playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that
    would be a tragedy".

    "No", said Chrétien, "that would be an accident".

    A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children
    drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a " tragedy".

    "I'm afraid not", the Prime Minister said. "That's what we would call a
    Great Loss". The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Prime
    Minister Chrétien searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here
    who can give me an example of a tragedy?".

    Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a
    quiet voice, he said, "If the Canadian Forces plane carrying Mr.
    Chrétien was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would
    be a tragedy".

    "That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked
    the Prime Minister.

    "Well", Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as
    h_ll wouldn't be a great Loss...".

  10. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    An orchestra is playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony. There is a passage in the middle when, for about 20 minutes, the bass violinists have nothing to do. So they decide to slip out to a bar and drink a few beers. After a while one says, "Hey, we better get going."

    But another says, "No, wait. I tied several pages of the conductor's sheet music together, so we'll have a couple of extra minutes while he sorts it out."

    So they stay for another round. Finally when they go staggering back to their places. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded.
  11. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    Daniel and Ginny are walking down the street one evening. As they pass one house, they hear loud shouting and crashes inside. Peter and Elizabeth Jones live there and are having a fierce argument. At the height of the quarrel, Peter picks up a table lamp, rips it out of the wall, and hurls it at Elizabeth. Elizabeth ducks, and the lamp flies past her through the window. It sails over Daniel and Ginny's heads. Daniel looks up and exclaims, "Soft! What light through yonder window breaks!"
  12. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    Power of a woman.

    A management team of 10 men and one woman are on one of those horrendous outdoors team-building exercise days, when it all goes horribly wrong and they find themselves dangling precariously from a rope over the edge of a cliff. Shark infested waters loom hundreds of feet below. To fall means instant death. Help is on its way, but the rope is beginning to fray, and the team realises that they must offload a member if they are to have any hope of surviving.

    The team begins to argue about positions of seniority, indispensibility to the company etc., when the woman suddenly speaks up. She tells the men that she accepts that she should be the one to let go, because women are used to making sacrifices for others. She explains that women have always been prepared to act for the greater good, and that by giving up her own life she will die happily in the knowledge that she has saved many others. She explains that she does so for all their wives, and all their children. She notes that, should she survive, the agony of her injuries will be bearable, because women have always survived agony, hardship and heartbreak in order to please men and give them children. She summarises that she would be proud to die to save so many men.

    And all the men clap.
  13. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    To capture an elephant all you have to do is dig a hole in the ground and fill it with ashes, then line the hole with peas, next just wait till an elephant comes to take a pea, then run up and kick him in the ash hole
  14. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    Q: Why does the Mushroom goto parties?
    A: Because he is a fun-guy

    A grief-stricken man threw himself across the grave site, crying uncontrollably, "My life, how senseless it has become, how worthless is everything around me because you are gone. If only you hadn't died, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how different everything would have been."

    A man of the cloth nearby, attempted to soothe the grief-stricken man by offering a prayer over the deceased's grave site. Afterward, he said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound was someone of great importance to you."

    "Yes", came the moaning reply, "it's my wife's first husband."
  15. The_Shadow88 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 17, 2002
    star 1
  16. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    I've got a million of them!!

    Q: Why do ducks look so sad?
    A: Because when they preen their feathers, they look down in the mouth.

    Q: What is the proper way to address the king of the ghosts?
    A: Your ghostliness.

    Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
    A: So it could become a first-aid kit.
  17. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    Guy buys a parrot but he cant get it to talk. so he takes it to the vet and tells the vet " i bought this bird, but the bird wont talk."

    Vet looks at the bird and says"his beak is too long. I can shave it down but it is a very delicate operation and will cost you a thousand dollars."

    "a thousand dollars!" exclaims the man.

    "Yes." Replies the vet. "If i shave off too much of his beak he will die when drinks from his water bowl. If i dont shave off enough he still wont be able to talk. As i said it is a very delicate operation."

    The man mumbles that he will have to think about it and leaves the office with the bird.

    A few weeks go by and the vetrenarian bumps into the man on the street.

    "How's that bird?" asks the vet.

    "He is dead." replies the man solemnly.

    "You tried to shave down his beak yourself didnt you?" asked the vet.

    "Yeah"

    "He drowned drinking out of his water bowl didn't he?" inquired the vet.

    "No" said the man.
  18. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning,Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string,taking her sweet time, came walking towards them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady. "Yes?" she replied.
    "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?" "Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.
  19. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew little about ranching so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long & hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

    He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked and the ranch was doing really well.

    Then one day the ranchers wife said to the hired hand. "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go in to town and kick up your heels.

    The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in comes the hired hand. The ranchers wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.

    Unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said Trembling, he did as she asked. "Now, take off my boots." He did so slowly. "Now, take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now, take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked. "Now," she said "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.

    Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!!"
  20. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom &stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

    When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
  21. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    A guy was walking down the street when he noticed a little boy walking around with a piece of steak on his head. So he asked, "Little boy, why do you have a piece of steak on your head?"

    "I'm not a boy," the boy answered. "I'm a fork."
  22. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looked at them and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger is allowed."

    Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
    A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  23. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    Q: Where does Santa stash his money?
    A: In a snowbank.

    Q: What does a computer eat when it's hungry?
    A: Chips -- one byte at a time.

    Q: Why don't seagulls fly in the bay?
    A: Because they don't want to be bagels.
  24. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.
    The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
    "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish."
    "Pet fish?!"
    " Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dese ice chests and I take dem home."
    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
    The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren, I'll show you. It really works."
    "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
    The Cajun poured the fish in to the bayou and stood and waited.
    After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
    "Well, what?" said the Cajun.
    "When are you going to call them back?"
    " Call who back?"
    "The FISH!"
    "What fish?"

  25. SithLord-Mixo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2002
    star 5
    Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. "Kids," they say, "you're old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of." With that, they send their children forth to find mates.

    A few months later the first daughter returns. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho."

    "Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter."

    A few months after that the second daughter comes home. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine."

    "Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul." A few months after that, the third daughter walks in. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Tom Brokaw."

    "Um...would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?"

    The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do not approve of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goes through with it.

    "But Mom! Dad! I thought you'd be thrilled! What's the matter with Tom Brokaw?"

    "Don't you understand? He's a common tater!"

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