FF:VIC Super man, Its not Easy

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

 

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: Because so many of them own phones.


Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
A: He wanted to win the No Bell Prize.


Q: Why don't cannibals eat pantomimes?
A: Because a mime is a terrible thing to baste

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats). One student wrote the following answer:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that: "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not slept with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

A cabbage, a faucet, and a tomato had a race. The cabbage was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato tried to catch up.

Q: What happened when Abel died?
A: He became unable.

 

This is may be offensive..



What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts

 

Ha ha ha ha

That is offensive. I love it.

Q: What do you put on a pig's rash?
A: Oinkment!

Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment!

 

Mixo I love the chemistry one! lol

 

Mixo has a million of them. I am the entertainer of entertainers!

This one Roman governor was a spontaneous guy, and he was often annoyed when his astrologer buddy had to consult the stars before they could meet for a beer or go to the gladiator fights. Soon he got so fed up that he stopped calling him. The astrologer called him a month later, claiming that he had turned over a new leaf.

Incredulous, the governor asked, "OK, howzabout a game of racquetball then?" There was a long pause. "What are you doing now?" he asked sharply.

"Hang on, I'm checking my palm, Pilate."

 

lol that one totally sucked!
no more please!

 

Q: What did the dog say when he sat on some sandpaper?

A: Ruff!

Q: Why did the girl jump down the toilet?
A: To join the Brownies!

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He
inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael
look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a
hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different
countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in
the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice
hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see who I'm putting next to them...."

 

Q: What does a Super Star Destroyer wear to a formal occasion?
A: A bow T.I.E.

Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."

Q: How does an elephant climb a tree?
A: He hides in an acorn and waits for a bird to carry him up.

 

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut

Dr Dr one day i feel like a wigwam and the next day like a teepee. Whats wrong?

Sir you are too tense!

 

Q: What goes up but doesn't come down?
A: A kangaroo stuck in a tree.

Q: What does one star say to another star when they meet?
A: Glad to meteor!

A: What do you call an 800 pound gorilla?
Q: Anything he wants to be called.

Q: Why isn't Barney the Dinosaur allowed to drive?
A: Because everybody knows -- tyrannosaurus wrecks.

 

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice
hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see who I'm putting next to them...."

I never thought I'd see the day an Aussie praised America

 

The joke mocks the USA! Any way i love the Americans, helped us through WW2 ans such like. What a wonderful relationship.
Anyway this thread is for jokes.


This disheveled-looking guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a stiff drink. The bartender says, "What's eating you?"

The guy says, "My wife left me this morning, I got laid off this afternoon, my car got wrecked earlier tonight, and my dog died in the vet's office."

The bartender says, "Wow! I forgot the punchline!"

 

A man had a son, but he was born as only a head. The man loved his son very much and took care of him, even though he was only a head. When the son turned 21, the man took him to a bar.

"One whiskey for my boy, barkeep!" said the man.

"You don't want to do that," said the bartender.

"He's a man, just turned 21! Get him a whiskey!" "I'm serious," the bartender insisted. "It's a bad idea."

"Just do it!" ordered the man.

So the bartender got the head a whiskey, and when he drank it, he sprouted a body! The head and his dad were excited, but the bartender wasn't pleased.

"Wow, another one of those for my boy!" yelled the man.

"It's a really bad idea," the bartender stated.

"Just give him a stupid whiskey! Geez, I'm payin', ain't I?" said the man, a little frustrated now.

So the bartender gave the son a whiskey, and he grew an arm! The father made the bartender give more whiskey to the head, and he grew another arm, a leg, another leg, and finally the head was a whole person.

The son was so excited that he ran into the street, screaming and shouting happily, and was hit by a car and died.

"I told you," the bartender said. "You should've quit while he was a head."

 

Q: What happened when the teacher fell in the copier?
A: She was beside herself.

Do zombies rule? Of corpse they do!

Q: What do you call death by pig stampede?
A: Sooey-cide.

 

Q: Why did the kid dump a bucket of water off the school roof?
A: He wanted to make a big splash in front of his class.

Q: Who is always your friend at school?
A: Your princi-pal.

At school, I saw my principal walking around in a daze. I asked him what happened, and he just looked at me and said, "I've lost my faculties!"

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know you went three red lights in a row...you could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh God, am I driving?"

 

This is one of the crappest jokes i have heard for a while

I met a scantly clad girl in the woods while I was hunting one day. She she looked at me
coyly and said she was game.

So I shot her.

 

Q: What's red and not there?
A: No tomatoes.


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a bird?
A: A gulp. It's like a swallow, only bigger.

 

Q: How do you make a hot dog stand?
A: Take away its chair.


Q: What's the difference between a moose and an ant?
A: A moose has antlers, but an ant doesn't have mooselers.

 

Q: What is brown and sticky?
A: A stick.