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FF:VIC Super man, Its not Easy

Discussion in 'Oceania Discussion Boards' started by DarkJediTJ, Oct 2, 2002.

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  1. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a gorgeous
    blonde and a frightfully awful looking larger lady. After several minutes of
    the trip, the train
    happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap
    is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark
    on his cheek.

    1)The blonde thought - "That American wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

    2)The larger lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

    3)The American thought - "That damm Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

    4)The Canadian thought - "I hope there is another tunnel soon so I can smack that American again."
     
  2. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head?

    A: He thought it was hair
     
  3. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment:

    "I couldn't help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual."

    "Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips." "And that cures them?" asked the townsman.

    "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

     
  4. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: Why couldn't Tommy ride a bicycle?
    A: Because he was a gold fish.

    Q: Why did the girl fall off the swing?
    A: Because someone threw a piano at her

    Q: Why did the fly fall from the ceiling?
    A: Someone tied a safe to its leg
     
  5. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: Did you hear about the plumber who worked a top a skyscraper?
    A: He plunged to his death.

    Q: What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?
    A: Make me one with everything.

    A: How did the chewing gum cross the road?
    Q: By sticking to the chicken's foot.
     
  6. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    God is sitting in heaven when a scientist said to Him.

    "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way
    to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you
    did in the beginning."

    "Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

    "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the
    likeness of you and breath life into it, thus creating man."

    "Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

    So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil
    into the shape of a man.

    "No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
     
  7. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
     
  8. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: Why did the carrot blush

    A: It saw the salad dressing!
     
  9. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other one and says, "does this taste funny to you?".
     
  10. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long Black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.
    "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.Whose funeral is it?"
    The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
    "What happened to her?"
    The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
    He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
    A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
    "Can I borrow the dog?"
    "Join the queue"

     
  11. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem. The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.
     
  12. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    A carrot and a tomato were walking across the street when the carrot was hit by a car. The tomato called 911. An ambulance came and took the carrot to the hospital. The tomato went to the hospital to wait for his friend, and when he got there the carrot was still in the emergency room, so the tomato paced nervously. Finally, the doctor called out, "Mr. Tomato?" The tomato went over, and asked the doctor, "How is he?" The doctor replied, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he is still alive. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

     
  13. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: What did one plate say to the other?
    A: Lunch is on me.

    Q: What does a cat say when he likes something?
    A: It's purrrfect

    Q: What do outlaws eat with their milk?
    A: Crookies.
     
  14. The-Lute

    The-Lute Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 29, 2002
    These jokes are soooooo lame.

    You'd have everyone laughing out of their boots if this board wasn't P.G.
     
  15. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    I know Lute but i have a younger audience here..

    Q: Where do pigs park their cars?
    A: In porking lots.


    Q: Why did Ebenezer Scrooge go to New York City?
    A: To see the Grumpire State Building.
     
  16. The-Lute

    The-Lute Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 29, 2002
    Why don't cows like working in the kitchen?

    They hate CHOPing boards!

    (Not to mention they're a bloody cow, and cows live in paddocks.)
     
  17. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
     
  18. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: What do kangaroos wear in winter?
    A: Wooly Jumpers!
     
  19. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: What do Russians wipe their mouths with after a meal?

    A: A Soviet
     
  20. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: What do you call a slow hurricane?
    A: A slowicane.

    Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
    A: To make up for a bad summer.
     
  21. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is renowned for producing fine stationery. Anyway, Munich had a problem -- the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and overrunning the city. So the people of Munich banded together and ran the dogs out of the city. Unfortunately, the dogs appeared in Pfilzerplatz. The dogs took over everything, and the mayor decided to evacuate the town. The paper mills were shut down, and everyone left.

    But a couple days later, the townsfolk, watching their town from the hills, saw smoke rising from the smokestacks. They knew no humans were left in the town, so they concluded that the dogs had learned to operate the factories.

    The mayor hurried to Munich's town hall and pleaded, "You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

     
  22. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: What is the difference between a boy scout and an American soldier?

    A: Boy Scouts don't have heavy artillery!
     
  23. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

    When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
     
  24. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: How does a man on a moon get his haircut?
    A: Eclipse it.

    Q: What did the moron do when he thought he might be dying?
    A: He went into the living room
     
  25. SithLord-Mixo

    SithLord-Mixo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Q: What do you call joke told by a duck?
    A: A wise quack.


    Q: How do you make soup gold?
    A: You put in fourteen carrots.
     
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