Take Two! Alter any scene in the films and change the course of history!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Jemmiah, Nov 12, 2000.

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  1. Jemmiah Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2000
    star 5
    It's fairly self explanatory. Pick a scene from any of the four films so far and then twist it and possibly alter history. Funny or serious, come on and give it a go!

    ******************

    Qui-Gon looked listened intently to his padawan as the rich, smooth tones informed him of what he had already known at heart.

    They were stuffed.

    "So, we've nothing to bargain with?"
    "Nope."
    "What about the Queen's wardrobe?"
    "Captain Panaka says you're taking that over his dead body." Obi-Wan's eyes twinkled. "He really likes the black, feathery number. Infact he's been wearing it ever since you left."
    "Ah?the heat does funny things to people, padawan."
    "If you say so, master. But there's nothing like the amount onboard the ship that we need. Nothing for you to barter with."
    "An idea will present itself, never fear?"

    Qui-Gon pursed his lips.

    "Master? Are you still there?"
    "What? Oh, yes?I've had an idea. Do you think you could make it into Mos Espa?"
    "Why?" Obi-Wan became a little suspicious.
    "Well, I thought that maybe we could solve our little financial difficulties by selling you into slavery. What do you think?"
    "M-m-master?" Kenobi stammered.
    "Don't worry about it. I'd make sure you got a good owner. Someone who'd only beat and kick you a few times a day, nothing drastic."
    "Master, I'm supposed to take my trials in a few years." Kenobi gulped. "I have a girlfriend! What's she going to say about this?"
    "Oh, she can find somebody else. If she hasn't already." Qui-Gon smirked.
    "But I'm your padawan!"
    "Ah?I've been meaning to speak to you about that." Qui-Gon laughed nervously. "You see, I've met this boy. I have a hunch that he might well be the chosen one and so I thought you might like to do the honerable thing and step down, you know? For the greater good of the galaxy."
    "But?" Kenobi started to say.
    "I knew you'd agree." Qui-Gon smiled happily. "Well done that man. You're a good sport Obi-Wan. Actually, I have someone who's interested in buying you. His name's Watto. I know you are going to get on just perfectly?
  2. Jedi_KnightMariah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 6, 2000
    star 4
    LOL! This is from me up and coming parody.

    Council scene:
    Qui: So, he'll be trained?
    Mace: *Looking at others nervously* Uh, no.
    Obi: *grins and snickers*
    Qui: Really? He won't?
    Mace: No. Sorry. He's just too old.
    Qui: ........ Nothing I could do to change your mind then?
    Yoda: No.
    Qui: Well, if you insist. Let's go Obi-Wan.
    Ani: WHAT?! This stinks on ice!
    (No one knows what Ani means but if you think about it, Tatooine has never seen snow or ice.)
    Ani: I hate you all! I'm goin' Darkside!
    Obi: Oh, go carve some japor stippit.
    Qui: That's "Japor snippt" actully.

    Not in same words but you get the idea.
  3. Amidolee Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 8, 2000
    star 5
    These are great!! I'll think of something soon.
  4. Calamity Jinn Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2000
    star 4

    This is the first one that sprung to mind...

    *******


    The Jawas herded Threepio and Artoo outside, where they formed part of the mechanical line up. Two figures approached; one a man with grey hair. He was covered with dust that seemed to have sandblasted and ravaged his features. Definitely a native of these parts. The other, a blonde and blue eyed teenager, seemed discontent and dejected. He had a far away look in his eyes as if his thoughts were elsewhere.

    They?d almost reached the line of droids when a female voice called out.

    ?Luke..., oh Luke.?

    Turning around, Luke Skywalker jogged back towards the edge of the subterranean courtyard. A meter from the edge he caught his foot and stumbled, pitching himself forward.

    ?AAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh....?

    There was a thump, then silence.
  5. Darth McClain Arena Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2000
    star 6
  6. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    OMG!!!Calam!!! I thunked my head on my keyboard I was laughing so hard!!
  7. Anakin's Angel Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 3, 2000
    star 4

    ::snort:: Oh man...these are great!! :) One scene I read, I don't recall where, had Darth Maul being blasted by Padme as soon as the doors opened. Duel of the fates be damned! lol

    aa :D
  8. Jemmiah Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2000
    star 5
    "Now stay out of trouble." Obi-Wan said briskly as he left Jar Jar in the hold with the droids. That thing was beginning to get on his nerves.

    He was about to close the door behind him when he got an idea?

    *******************

    Qui-Gon frowned.

    He could be wrong but he felt as if Obi-Wan wasn't really getting along with everyone else in the party. He just wasn't making the effort or pulling his weight. He was just moping about miserably with a rather constipated expression on his face. The master decided that maybe he ought to have a word with his padawan on matters of politeness and laziness. He couldn't afford to let him slip up now.

    "Padawan." Qui-Gon said.
    "Oh, It's you. What do you want?" Obi-Wan sulked.
    "I wanted to have a little chat."
    "We had that when I was thirteen." Kenobi pouted.
    "No?not that one." Jinn sighed. "Look there's no easy way of saying this, padawan, but I can't help but feel as if you don't really like anyone else on the ship. Now why would that be?"
    "That's not true, master!" Kenobi protested before his smile cracked into a devilish grin. "I think the queen's a right little raver!"
    "Hmmm. I'm not sure that's quite how you address the monarch, even in these enlightened and liberal days." Qui-Gon mused. "What about Jar Jar?"
    "Him?" Obi-Wan shrugged. "He's just a pathetic lifeform. Why should I care about that Gungan nonentity?"
    "Padawan!" scolded Qui-Gon. "Show some respect!"

    Obi-Wan pulled a face.

    "You aren't doing your share around here. You've had the handmaidens?"
    "I have not!"
    "?let me finish." Qui-Gon rolled his eyes. "You've had the handmaidens doing the maintenance on the ship!"
    "There's no such thing as a free ride, not even for the queen of Naboo." Obi-Wan pronounced.
    "I'm beginning to worry about you, padawan." Jinn pondered as they headed through to the kitchen prep unit. "I think you might be showing dark side tendencies."

    Obi-Wan shrugged and picked up a tray.

    "Look, I am sorry you think I'm not pulling my weight around here. And I am not going over to the darkside."

    Qui-Gon nodded as he and Obi-Wan wandered through to speak with Panaka and Amidala.

    "Where's Jar Jar?" The Queen asked in imperious monotone.
    "I've got no idea." Obi-Wan picked a glass off the tray and offered it to her.

    "Orange goo, anyone?"
  9. Kit' Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Oct 30, 1999
    star 5
    Oh myu god these are soooo funny!

    "You've had the handmadiens..."
    "I have not!"

    That cracked me up so hard, which is not good when you are sitting in the school computer room surrounded by people!

    Kithera
  10. Jedi_KnightMariah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 6, 2000
    star 4
    ROFLOL!

    "Orange goo, anyone?"

    Obi-Wan jumps up and is about to swing his Lightsaber through Maul when...
    Maul: Wait! Why can't we just be friends?
    Obi: You just killed my Master.
    Maul: Oops! Sorry about that! I thought it was that Gungan!
    Obi: *glare* Sure you did.
    Maul: Hey, I'll buy you a coke!
    Obi: *grin* A coke?! Really?!
    Maul: Mmmhmm!
    Obi: How 'bout we kill that Gungan together too?
    Maul: Sure!
    And a beautiful friendship was started.
    Maul: sorry about killing your Master.
    Obi: S'okay! He wasn't very nice anyway!
  11. mouse2 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    I don't know what's funnier. The scenes that you all are writing, or the replys that are written describing the antics and looks from laughing hysterically!

    Personally I think it's a whole lot of both!! Now More!!!
  12. Jemmiah Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2000
    star 5
    <Master!> Obi-Wan called out as he fled through the forest. <I'm having a really bad day. I've got these droid things chasing me and?>

    <You've fried your lightsabre AGAIN, haven't you!> Qui-Gon challenged over their bond, trying desperately to rid himself of the exceedingly tiresome Gungan hanger-on that trailed behind him.

    <Er..> Obi-Wan hesitated.

    <You HAVE, haven't you?> Qui-Gon repeated.

    <Yes, I'm afraid I have. Could you give me some help here, master?>

    Qui-Gon sighed. There were occasions when he despaired of that boy. He was twenty-five years old and he still managed to forget simple things like routine sabre maintenance. Sith knew what kind of master he'd eventually make?

    <Oh, I suppose so. Hang on a moment.> Jinn gritted his teeth as his hand went to the lightsabre by his belt. <Don't do it again!>

    <Master, they're?er, getting a lot closer> Obi-Wan persisted.

    <Yes, I can see them. Wait a minute and I'll?oh, blast.>

    <What is it?!?>

    Qui-Gon looked down at his own fried lightsabre and gulped.

    <How fast do you think you can run, padawan?>

    <I don't know. Why?>

    <I suggest it's time you find out?padawan? HELLO?>


    Jinn snorted with annoyance as his apprentice got blasted into oblivion. That was typical of Obi-Wan. He'd spent twelve years looking after him and he'd repaid him by getting himself splattered all over the swamps of Naboo. Irritably, Qui-Gon slapped his useless lightsabre down by his side.

    A green beam of light suddenly flared into life.

    "Well, would you look at that," he said in surprise, "It was working all the time. Whoops!"
  13. Jedi_KnightMariah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 6, 2000
    star 4
    AHHHHHHHH! He killed Obi!!! Hehehehe!
  14. Jemmiah Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2000
    star 5
    "Master!" Obi-Wan hurried to the prone figure of his mentor, not wanting to think?to even countenance the idea that this was the end. After all these years together as master and padawan, father and son in many ways. To loose Qui-Gon like this?

    No. He would not believe it.

    "Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon raised his blue eyes to meet those of his padawan, pain filled and exhausted with the struggle to keep going that little bit longer so that he could say what needed to be said.

    Kenobi listened intently to his master's words, the grief threatening to render their meanings senseless?. wait a moment. What was that?

    Train the boy? Him?!?

    "C-could you run that one past me again, master?"
    "He IS the chosen one?" Qui-Gon gasped. "Train him."

    Obi-Wan looked indignantly at his fading master.

    "Is that it?" he yelled. "Twelve years of my life and all I get is 'train the boy'? No 'Goodbye, my dear apprentice,' or 'you've been a wonderful padawan, I'm really sorry to be leaving you behind?' All you can say is 'train the boy?!?' Thank you VERY much!"

    "Listen?Obi-Wan. The boy is?"
    "Yeah, yeah. The chosen one. I've heard it all before." Obi-Wan growled.
    "Then you will train??"

    Kenobi sniffed.

    "S'pose so?"

    With considerable relief, Qui-Gon took the opportunity to die right then and there, which Obi-Wan thought was very ungrateful.

    "Only thing now is to decide what to train him as."

    *************************

    "Well, Obi-Wan. You're a padawan no longer." Mace congratulated the young man by clapping him on the back. "If only your master was here to see it."
    "Here in spirit, he is." Yoda smiled.
    "Where?" Obi-Wan jumped and looked madly about him.

    Windu laughed.

    "Calm down. You're so jumpy. When Yoda said he was here in spirit I'm sure he meant?" Mace stopped as he stared at some small movement out the corner of his eye. "What is that?"

    Each member of the council turned round to see the figure of a young blonde boy wiping at the windows with a dirty rag.

    "That is young Skywalker. I told Qui-Gon I'd see he was trained and I've fulfilled my part of the bargain. I've got him a job as an apprentice window cleaner." Obi-Wan walked over to the glass and banged a couple of times to get his attention.

    "You've missed a bit." He pointed as Anakin started to furiously rub at the window.
    "But he's the chosen One?" Depa Billaba stated.
    "Oh yeah?" Obi-Wan's face lit up underneath his three-day-old beard.

    "I didn't choose him."
  15. Anakin's Angel Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 3, 2000
    star 4
    >>"But he's the chosen one"

    >>"I didn't choose him."

    HAHAHAHA! Pretty much sums up the whole saga, don't it? ;) That was great! An apprentice window washer!! lol

    aa :D
  16. mouse2 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    Now that's the Obi we've grown to love! TEE-HEE!

    Love it!
  17. Gandalf the Grey Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    May 14, 2000
    star 6
    OK, what if Jar Jar wasn't with the Gungun army, instead he went with Padme, and the Jedi went up against the battle droids:




    "We have to get to the throne room" declared the Queen, waving for everyone to follow her. Jar Jar stuck his head up from behind the crate where he had hidden, and slunk to her side.

    The doors to the hanger slowly slid open on silent runners, revealing a man cloaked in black. His features couldn't be out through his dark hood, until he raised his head, revealing his frightenly tatooed face.

    He sneered, showing mismatched teeth, and drew a long ebony cylandir. With a certain dark formality, he lit his lightsaber, anticipating his forthcoming victory of the soldiers who far outnumbered him.

    "Oh oh..." said Jar Jar, and threw his hands up to protect his head.

    "We'll take the other way" said Padme, and she and the soldiers ran in the other direction, leaving Jar Jar alone with the Sith Lord.

    Maul smiled as he watched them go, delighting in their fear, and then faced down the Gungun.

    Jar Jar abruptly relized he was alone. "Aaaaaa!" he screamed, and began to run away, in the opposite direction that the Queen had run.

    The dark warrior delighted in the fear he caused, but realized he couldn't waste time on this one. He picked up the remains of a droid with the Force, and flung it at the amphibian, hard enough to turn bones to splinters, and flesh to paste.

    And the last second though, Jar Jar tripped and fell over a crack in the floor, and the droid sailed centimeters over his head, crashing into the door control switch to the power generators. The door quickly opened, and Jar Jar scampered to his feet and ran through.

    Maul felt a flicker of doubt. Obviously, this one was strong in the Force. Then he recovered from his worries. He was Sith, far superior to any weak lightsider.

    He ran after Jar Jar, cornering him against the edge of the platform. He swung his two bladed lightsaber in a dazzling display of skill, but Jar Jar was able to jump over or stumble around every thrust.

    Maul's anger began to rise. Surely, this Gungun must be a Jedi! It was ludicrus that anyone could be so lucky. And he was obviously mocking the Sith Lord.

    Jar Jar began to run again, down a long stretch of open catwalk, and then skidded to a halt as a laser barrier closed down in front of him. One step behind, Maul was similarly stopped.

    Realing that Maul couldn't touch his through the barrier, Jar Jar began to make faces at Maul. Maul simply sneered, and paced back and forth. The Jedi (it had to be!) was even more obviosly taunting him. But he would pay...

    And then the barrier seperating them shut off. "uh oh" said Jar Jar, in a very small voice.

    Maul lunged forwards, and Jar Jar barely sidestepped in time. In sidestepping, he bumped Maul, causing him to lose his balance.

    Maul stumbled forwards, and then tumbled down the kilometer deep tube at the heart of the generator.

    "Whoops, mesa didna be meaning to do dat." muttered Jar Jar, and wondered how he was going to explain this to Qui Gon.


  18. Jedi_KnightMariah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 6, 2000
    star 4
  19. Maru-Ba Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 25, 2000
    star 4
    While on Hoth...
    "Hey Han old buddy, ya read me?"

    "Yes brat, i hear you"

    "Good, look there's this metor comming towards the ground i wanna check it out."

    "How close is it comming?"

    "Oh i dunnu, withen a few*_*_*_*_*" *Static*

    "Kid..kid...are you there? Oh well, he would have never been too important anyways now that that death star is taken care of."

    MB
  20. jedipati Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 12, 2000
    star 3
    Can I do a serious one? or do they all have to be humor?
  21. PadawanElf Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 18, 2000
    star 1
    These are funny. Really really funny. :)


    THREEPIO: Captain Solo! Captain Solo!

    HAN: What?

    THREEPIO: Princess Leia has been trying to reach you on the intercom for the past hour, sir.

    HAN: I turned it off. I don't want to talk to her.

    THREEPIO: The Princess is concerned about Master Luke, sir. He hasn't come back yet.

    HAN: I don't know where he is.

    THREEPIO: Nobody knows where he is!

    HAN: What do you mean, nobody? As if you'd know. Have you asked the deck officer?

    THREEPIO: No, sir -

    HAN: Well, then ask him!

    THREEPIO: Sir, I really think -

    HAN: Look, goldenrod - I've got a ship to fix and a Hutt to pay. Just get out of my hair, all right?

    THREEPIO: But, Captain Solo -

    HAN: Chewie, could you give me a hand down here?

    THREEPIO: But, Captain Solo,I really think -

    HAN: (flips Threepio off.) Protocol droids - bleh. Next it'll be talking teddy bears. Chewie! Get this ship ready - we don't want to hang around here any longer!

    CHEWIE: (rumbles something indistinct)

    HAN: Of course Luke will be all right! He probably came in the south entrance. If Her Worshipfulness "needs him" so much, she can ask the deck officer herself without taking up my time ... hand me that hydrospanner.

    Elsewhere...

    BEN: Luke ...

    LUKE: Ben?

    BEN: You must go to the Degobah system.

    LUKE: Degobah system?

    BEN: There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me. (The image begins to fade.)

    LUKE: Ben! Wait - (He collapses in the snow, and lies there, slowly being covered as the wind keeps blowing.)

    Somewhere, very quietly, the "Qui-Gon's Noble End" music begins to play.

    BEN: That boy was our last hope.

    YODA: No ... there is another ...

  22. Calamity Jinn Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2000
    star 4


    Ooooh, these are gooood!!!!

    And yes, Jedipati, Jem said at the beginning they could be either serious or comedy.

    Go for it!
  23. Perator Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 3, 2000
    star 3
    Very Funny. I'll write one later and post it.
  24. Jedi_KnightMariah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 6, 2000
    star 4
    Kitster: I bet you'll do it this time Ani!
    Pad: Do what?
    Kitster: *roooooooooooolling his eyes* Finish the race of course, retard!
    Pad: F-finish the race? Y-you've NEVER even FINISHED a race?!
    Ani: Well, uh.........
    Pad: QUI-GON! He's never even finished a race!
    Qui-Gon: *jerks head up* What?!
    Ani: Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....Great going, Kitster!
    Kitster: Anytime!
    Qui-Gon: *running after Watto* The deal is off! THE DEAL IS OFF!
  25. Healer Apprentice Lina Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 1, 2000
    star 4
    oh my gosh! i've just started reading this thread. These are hilarious! I'm still wiping the tears of laughter from the one where Maul was killed by Jar Jar!!

    That's just humiliating!!!!
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