Saga Take Two! Take a scene from the films and give it a twist!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Jemmiah, Dec 29, 2005.

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  1. Jemmiah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2000
    star 5
    Just a little piece of silliness, really. It started life on the Classic board many, many moons ago but was never reposted to the Saga like it should. The premise is simply to take a scene from any of the films and twist it. Please have a go if you want! :) In the meantime I will kick this off with a new version of a scene from sandy Tatooine.

    *******

    TITLE: Everyone likes presents
    By Jemmiah


    With thanks to Calamity Jinn, Amidolee & Feral Tauntaun for the inspiration...


    Luke sighed. Sometimes it seemed as if he'd spent his entire life sighing without knowing completely why.

    He'd sighed whenever Uncle Owen made some excuse to keep him on Tatooine for another year. He'd sighed whenever Cammie or Biggs had teased his silly, floppy haircut - precisely twenty years out of fashion - or when it was his turn to pick mushrooms off the vaporators. He'd sighed when looking across the desert into the fiery binary sunset.

    Well, actually he hadn't so much as sighed as gone temporarily blind. Thankfully Threepio had been too polite to ask why he'd been flying across the Judland Wastes in zigzags.

    Now, having been rescued by old Ben Kenobi, taking refuge from sand, sun and Tuskens by hiding in the wizard's hovel, Luke found himself sighing again. This time it was in gratitude for the fact Threepio had finally shut up about how coarse and rough sand was, and how it got everywhere?

    "No," Luke found himself saying, "My father was a navigator on a Spice freighter. He didn't fight in any wars."

    "Ah, yes." Obi-Wan scratched fitfully at his beard. "Well, I'm afraid that in the interest of personal safety there might very well have possibly been a few, er?fibs told you. You see, your father was one of the greatest pilots the galaxy has ever seen. When I first met him I was amazed at how strong the force was with him. So much so that I tried my damnedest to get rid of the little brat at every opportunity. Hell, I even threw myself out of a window to get away from him once but he still found me?" This time Obi-Wan sighed. "Anyhow, against my better judgement and due to a temporary lack of sanity I took it upon myself to train him."

    "As what?" Luke frowned.

    "You know, I've asked myself that on numerous occasions since it all went hideously wrong." Obi-Wan held up a hand as an admission of guilt. "Hey-ho! Can't be helped, I suppose. Doesn't the long brown robe give you a clue?"

    Luke gazed uncertainly at Obi-Wan. "A Jawa?"

    "A Jedi!" Kenobi sounded quite cross. "I was once a Jedi Knight the same as your father. Until he messed it all up for everyone?ranting about the darkside, strangling people and showing off his sith eyes. Posing around in black leather, waving a fancy red lightsabre about the place! Which reminds me," Obi-Wan broke into a happy smile, clearly moved by his remembrances, "I have something here for you."

    "Presents!" Luke exclaimed delightedly. "I love presents! I haven't had a present since the day Uncle Owen made me that sandpit for my second birthday?"

    His father had been a Jedi! And according to Ben a great one at that! He rubbed his hands in glee. It sounded so exciting! Then again, anything was exciting compared to Tatooine. When you'd seen one grain of sand you'd seen them all. He remembered the time Uncle Owen had tried to get him to go to sleep by getting him to count the grains.

    It had kept both of them awake for two nights.

    "I wish I'd known him." Luke sighed for the umpteenth time. "My father, I mean."

    "Can't think why. He was ghastly." Came back Obi-Wan's gruff reply.

    "How did he die?"

    Obi-Wan's brows drew in on themselves. "Horribly." He opted for after a moment's thought.

    "Is that it?"

    "You want more? Bloodthirsty little devil, aren't you?" The older man observed. "Well, it's like this. He turned to the darkside. I turned to drink. Have to admit that I got the better deal there, to be honest."

    Obi-Wan stood up and hobbled over towards what appeared to be a large trunk at the far end of the room, Luke following his la
  2. Liesl Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 31, 2005
    star 4
    [face_laugh]

    You had me laughing from the start!

    When I first met him I was amazed at how strong the force was with him. So much so that I tried my damnedest to get rid of the little brat at every opportunity. Hell, I even threw myself out of a window to get away from him once but he still found me?"

    I can just see Anakin talking to Obi-Wan as poor Obi opens a window and falls stories and stories from the top floor of a Coruscant building...

    "What is it?"

    Obi-Wan stood up, grinning. "His arm!"


    And I see Luke on the Falcon, helmet on, using his father's old, battered arm to practice using the Force...

    Absolutely loved it!

    [face_laugh]
  3. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    This was absolute perfection! =D=

    "Ah, yes." Obi-Wan scratched fitfully at his beard. "Well, I'm afraid that in the interest of personal safety there might very well have possibly been a few, er?fibs told you. You see, your father was one of the greatest pilots the galaxy has ever seen. When I first met him I was amazed at how strong the force was with him. So much so that I tried my damnedest to get rid of the little brat at every opportunity. Hell, I even threw myself out of a window to get away from him once but he still found me?" This time Obi-Wan sighed. "Anyhow, against my better judgement and due to a temporary lack of sanity I took it upon myself to train him."


    Hilarious! =D= I almost choked on my morning cocoa. :D
  4. mouse2 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    "You want more? Bloodthirsty little devil, aren't you?" The older man observed. "Well, it's like this. He turned to the darkside. I turned to drink. Have to admit that I got the better deal there, to be honest."

    ROFLOL!! I knew he hadn't been meditating all those years! That's the Obi we all know and love! [face_love]
  5. Sabe126 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 18, 2002
    star 4
    Doesn't the long brown robe give you a clue?"

    Luke gazed uncertainly at Obi-Wan. "A Jawa?"


    ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) That and Vader posing in black leather!

    That was brilliant! Please write more? :)
  6. Ewok15 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 1, 2002
    star 4
    "I'm not hurt. Just drunk."


    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Simply Hilarious Tale! Love it!
  7. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Brilliant, Jemmy... He turned to the Dark Side, Obi-Wan turned to drink. It's all explained in the Outlander club. :)
  8. Aya-Na_Bashu Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 14, 2005
    star 2
    [face_laugh][face_laugh][face_laugh]

    Jemmiah, you really aught to issue "Snort Alerts" when you post. My monitor would certainly appreciate it.
  9. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Here's an addition of my own: Anakin is reunited with Padme...
    *****
    "...Until General Grievous is spare parts," Anakin finished.

    Senator Organa laughed like the cowardly little sycophant that he was and Anakin managed to evade him as he caught a glimpse of a familiar pastry-maker wannabe in the shadows.

    Rushing forward, he swept his beloved wife off her feet in a tight embrace...

    "OWWWWWWWWWWWWW! SITHIT!"

    Man and wife collapsed to the ground, one shrieking in panic, one howling in agony.

    "Oh, Ani!" Padme squealed. "Are you all right?"

    "Sithit!" he gritted out. "I threw out my back!"

    "Ani..."

    "If you value your life," he hissed, "you won't add insult to serious injury by calling me that stanged name!"

    "Anakin," Padme soothed, caressing his brow, "you'd better watch your language."

    "Language nothing," he snapped. "I had my arm cut off by a Sith, my face sliced up by his girlfriend and I'm felled by a fat wife!"

    Immediately, he knew it was the wrong thing to say. Perhaps it was because she extracted that ever-beloved hairbrush from somewhere in her robe and started beating him around the face with it. Perhaps it was the shrieked curses that she had to have learned from the Corellian Senator.

    Perhaps it was the fact that she was now sitting on his chest and turning an unflattering shade of scarlet.

    "Oy!" he bellowed. "Lay off or I'll call Security!"

    "Not until you tell the mother of your child that she's glowing, not fat!"

    He caught the hairbrush on the next swing and tossed it away before pushing into a sitting position so that she tumbled to the ground.

    "Mother of my child, eh?" he snorted. "That's a bit rich, given the fact that you're ready to pop and I just saw you five months ago. Whose is it? Obi-Wan's? Palpatine's? Or maybe she's an Organa Princess in utero, eh?"

    A moment later, he found himself on the ground again, blood spurting from his nose. "I'm going to call Security to report domestic abuse," she sniffed theatrically.

    "Yeah," he groaned. "MINE!"

    She turned away, clutching her cinnabar-bun hairstyle. "I'm only five months along," she sobbed, "and I look like Gardulla the Hutt before she went on a diet!"

    "Awww, baby..."

    Sighing, he gathered her into an embrace.

    "Oh, no you don't!" she snapped, shoving him away. "Do you know how hard it is to get bloodstains out of navy-blue velvet?"

    He stared incredulously. "I don't, but how do you know?"

    "Never mind," she sniffled.

    His hand came up to caress her cheek. "You're beautiful," he whispered, "and you're having my baby."

    She turned a watery gaze on him with a slightly sheepish grin. "I am, aren't I?" she murmured happily.

    "Yeah," he muttered, drawing her in for a kiss.

    Before their lips could meet, however, she turned and pushed to her feet. "We have so much to plan!" she burbled. "I found the cutest baby seat for my limo and Bed, Bath and Bithland is having a sale on cribs..."

    She strode away, still chattering to herself as he fingered his nose gingerly. It was only then that he noticed the green troll in the shadows.

    "Why marriage was forbidden this is," Yoda explained.
  10. Jemmiah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2000
    star 5
    ROFLOL! I love how Yoda got the last word! And of course he's quite right, although personally I had him and Yaddle down as 'whist' partners for certain! [face_laugh] And Ani, you have to learn not to call the mother of your child fat! You'll stay alive longer...;)
  11. Aya-Na_Bashu Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 14, 2005
    star 2
    Much better than the movie. =D= [face_laugh]
  12. Arwyn_Whitesun Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 13, 2002
    star 4
    Wonderfully hilarious, Jemmiah! I was grinning the whole time. I'm sneaking and reading this at work and it sure helped to make the day a little easier to bear. Bravo!!! :D
  13. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    I personally loved writing it for using that danged hairbrush of doom because it's the one thing in the movie that I couldn't stand. So I got her to put it to good use.

    What the heck is whist partners? And Ani's stupid--he uses dumb pickup lines, too!
  14. Ewok15 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 1, 2002
    star 4
    "Why marriage was forbidden this is," Yoda explained.



    Love it all!![face_laugh] [face_laugh]
  15. Jemmiah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2000
    star 5
    Here's one from a few years back. :)

    Title: THE NABOO SHIP
    By Jemmiah





    "Now stay out of trouble." Obi-Wan said briskly as he left Jar Jar in the hold with the droids. That thing was beginning to get on his nerves. There was something strange about a creature that could that use its own tongue to lasso food from a plate. A neat trick, certainly, but not the sort of thing that Coruscant society would approve of. They thought the Jedi were weird enough without seeing them scale a building using lip suction only...

    He was about to close the door behind him when he got an idea?

    *******

    Qui-Gon frowned.

    He could be wrong but he felt as if Obi-Wan wasn't really getting along with everyone else in the party. He just wasn't making the effort or pulling his weight: instead he was moping about miserably with a rather constipated expression on his face. The master decided that maybe he ought to have a word with his padawan on matters of politeness and unacceptable laziness. He couldn't afford to let him slip up now.

    "Padawan." Qui-Gon said.

    "Oh, It's you. What do you want?" Obi-Wan sulked.

    "I wanted to have a little chat."

    "We had that when I was thirteen." Kenobi pouted.

    "No?not that one." Jinn sighed. "Look there's no easy way of saying this, padawan, but I can't help but feel as if you don't really like anyone else on the ship. Now why would that be?"

    "That's not true, master!" Kenobi protested before his smile cracked into a devilish grin. "I think the queen's a right little raver!"

    "Hmmm. I'm not sure that's quite how you address the monarch, even in these enlightened and liberal days." Qui-Gon mused. "What about Jar Jar?"

    "Him?" Obi-Wan shrugged. "He's just a pathetic lifeform. Why should I care about that Gungan nonentity?"

    "Padawan!" scolded Qui-Gon. "Show some respect!"

    Obi-Wan pulled a face.

    "You aren't doing your share around here. You've had the handmaidens?"

    "I have not!"

    "?let me finish." Qui-Gon rolled his eyes. "You've had the handmaidens doing the maintenance on the ship!"

    "There's no such thing as a free ride, not even for the queen of Naboo." Obi-Wan pronounced.

    "I'm beginning to worry about you, padawan." Jinn pondered as they headed through to the kitchen prep unit. "I think you might be showing dark side tendencies."

    Obi-Wan shrugged and picked up a tray.

    "Look, I am sorry you think I'm not pulling my weight around here. And I am not going over to the darkside."

    Qui-Gon nodded as he and Obi-Wan wandered through to speak with Panaka and Amidala.

    "Where's Jar Jar?" The Queen asked imperious monotone.

    "I've got no idea." Obi-Wan picked a glass of the tray and offered it to her.

    "Orange goo, anyone?"
  16. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    That was my favorite of the old ones!

    Here's one from the OT. I'm feeling very silly today.
    *****
    "Now, Princess," Vader rumbled, "we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base."

    Leia stared unflinchingly at the torture robot. "Did your mother ever tell you that there's no such thing as a stupid question?" she asked idly.

    "Of course," Vader said cautiously.

    "Well," she sneered, "you just proved her wrong. Try again."

    She was sure that if she'd seen his eyes, they would have blinked. "This is interrogation!" he bellowed. "It's feared throughout the Galaxy!"

    She blinked indifferently. "Oh, really," she drawled. "Is it because all the interrogators throw a temper tantrum at the beginning?"

    "I'm not having a tantrum!" he whined, stomping his foot. "I'm not! I'm not!"

    "Settle down," she commanded in a tone that made him whimper slightly. "Now, let's try this again."

    "We will discuss the location..."

    Seizing the front of his helmet, she shook him vigorously. "Wrong again, darkman. Try something else."

    She could not see his face, but he suddenly looked very lost. Finally, his helmet's chin came up slightly.

    "What would you do for a muja bar?"

    Once again, she found herself staring in disbelief at him. "This is the Imperial interrogation feared throughout the Galaxy?"

    "Work with me," he pleaded. "They're doing cutbacks in the budget and if I don't get some answers, they'll make me work in customer service!"

    That moved even the stone-hearted Princess of Alderaan to compassion. Patting his glove, she attempted a smile. "Don't worry," she soothed. "We'll find a middle ground. Now, the question was what I'd do for a muja bar?"

    "Would you kiss a Corellian?" he prompted.

    "I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee," she shot back.

    "Would you take me to your friends on Corellia?"

    She fell silent, instantly remembering her place.

    "Yavin?"

    Another unflinching stare. This was getting him nowhere.

    "Bothawui?" he said hopefully.

    "It's in the Galaxy," she supplied. "That's all I'll say."

    He sighed disconsolately. "All right."

    Glancing behind him, he leaned in until they were nearly nose-to-nose-armor.

    "Does this cape make me look fat?"
  17. Calamity Jinn Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2000
    star 4
    LOL sis! Extremeley well done piece from our hilarious discussion about the lightsabre and the arm! :D

    I'm glad this has been started, these are funny!

    Here's a short one from me;

    ******************


    The Jawas herded Threepio and Artoo outside, where they formed part of the mechanical line up. Two figures approached; one a man with grey hair. He was covered with dust that seemed to have sandblasted and ravaged his features. Definitely a native of these parts. The other, a blonde and blue eyed teenager, seemed discontent and dejected. He had a far away look in his eyes as if his thoughts were elsewhere.

    They?d almost reached the line of droids when a female voice called out.

    ?Luke..., oh Luke.?

    Turning around, Luke Skywalker jogged back towards the edge of the subterranean courtyard. A meter from the edge he caught his foot and stumbled, pitching himself forward.

    ?AAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh....?

    There was a thump, then silence.



  18. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Oh, we hope we hope we hope...
  19. Jemmiah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2000
    star 5
    The Arena
    By Jemmiah


    *********

    "What about Padme?" Anakin demanded, his throat suddenly dry.

    "She seems to be on top of things." Replied Obi-Wan with a quick glance over his shoulder towards the senator in her tight little white number, wriggling her way up to the top of the pillar.

    Anakin blinked. "That's rude, master!"

    Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Look, stay focused?"

    The gates suddenly started to crank open, accompanied by a terrible squealing noise. Slowly, inexorably, the metal bars raised to reveal three large and sinister shapes silhouetted against the dark background of the tunnel. Obi-Wan felt his eyes instantly drawn towards the largest of the three creatures, it's wicked gleaming gimlet eyes and nasty, pointed teeth aimed straight in his direction. The second of the two loped towards Anakin with its head lowered, ready to charge.

    Up on the terrace Dooku looked on at the scene with a mixture of horror and disbelief. He turned to face one of the termite guards who had, in his own insectoid way, the grace to look faintly embarrassed.

    "What is this?" Nute Gunray bellowed in Dooku's ear. "This is supposed to be an execution!"

    "Click-click-click." Replied the termite with a shrug. "Clickkkk-clikk-cliiikkk-click."

    "What did he say?" Gunray demanded.

    "He says it was the best he could do at short notice." Dooku thinned his lips, greatly displeased. "The pet emporium was clean out of Nexu. The Acklay they sold them ate the Reek and then promptly died of chronic indigestion. So they had to improvise."

    "And this," Gunray waved his arms in a flourish of unbridled fury, "is their idea of a replacement? I want Senator Amidala's head on my desk! Shoot her or something! Do anything! She's making a fool of us all!"

    "Click-click-clickkkity." Huffed the termite.

    "He says these three rabbits are extremely vicious when provoked." Dooku didn't look entirely convinced. "And that they have been assured that they are famous killers!"

    "What are their names?" Gunray snapped. "And why haven't I heard of them?"

    Dooku chewed fretfully at his lip. "Flopsy, Fluffy and Flossy?"

    Gunray held his hands up in the air, despairing. "My Lord, your 'trained killers' aren't interested! They're not even nibbling their tunics! Look - Senator Amidala is petting the white one with the twitchy nose! She's making fun of us!"

    "Patience, my friend. Patience! She will die." The count attempted to placate the separatist leader. "As will the Jedi. I have a plan that will most assuredly work."

    Dooku turned to the termite, who brought himself smartly to attention.

    "Tell Poggle to halt the executions whilst we dress Kenobi and his friends as carrots, would you?"
  20. Sabe126 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 18, 2002
    star 4
    ROTFL! Bravo everyone! :)
  21. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    I wish others would jump in so that I wouldn't feel like a thread-hog.

    Loved the bunnies, Jemmy!
  22. Jemmiah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2000
    star 5
    Yes, feel free to join in everyone!:)
  23. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Jemmiah, now that is the way to start the morning off. With one hell of a gut busting laugh!

    "What is it?"

    Obi-Wan stood up, grinning. "His arm!"


    Okay, that did nearly have me spewing my coffee, did not see that coming. [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Ish, Anakin must want to see his wife turn Sith, saying anything about her being fat! [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
  24. Chewie-Fan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 2, 2005
    star 3
    On, my Force, those were all so funny, with Jemmiah and Ish on a roll!

    Jemmiah - Great idea!! I hope inspiration strikes me. In the meantime, my favoite part:
    1) "Keep hold of the arm. I think you might be needing it in the near future?"
    2) You've had the handmaidens?""I have not!"
    3) whilst we dress Kenobi and his friends as carrots

    Ish - Favorite part:
    1) "Why marriage was forbidden this is," Yoda explained.
    2) "Work with me," he pleaded. "They're doing cutbacks in the budget and if I don't get some answers, they'll make me work in customer service!"

    Calamity Jinn - Favorite part:
    ?AAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh....?
  25. Jemmiah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2000
    star 5
    SO LONG, FAREWELL?
    By Jemmiah



    "Oh, Anni?it's wonderful!" Shmi half gasped, pride glowing in her eyes at her son's achievements. She'd steeled herself to watch during the race, found the courage from somewhere?yet all the time that worry was at the back of her mind. What if her son was killed? What would have happened then?

    Thankfully, her precocious offspring had proven himself a worthy champion. Sebulba's name was mud now and then there was this wonderful amount of money that Anakin had just dropped into her hands.

    "Now I can make my dreams come true!" she giggled.

    "Mom? Sorry, I don't understand? What dreams?"

    Qui-Gon knelt down by the fair-haired boy and ruffled his hair.

    "Your mother is no longer a slave. She has been freed! She'll be coming back to Coruscant with myself and my apprentice."

    "That's fantastic?wait a moment." Anakin scrunched up his face. "I'll be going too, won't I?"

    "I'm sorry, Anni. I tried to free you but Watto wouldn't have it."

    Qui-Gon looked at Shmi.

    "Are you packed?"

    "And ready!" grinned the dark haired woman. "All those stars?I'm going to be the first one to see them all! Yippeeeee!"

    "But mom," Anakin's lip went all wobbly, "will I ever see you again?"

    Shmi stared at him as if he had grown an extra head.

    "You must be joking! Eight years of looking after you? I think I'm due a little fun, isn't that right Master Jinn?"

    "Precisely." Qui-Gon gave Shmi a peck on the cheek. "Come on, let's go!"

    Anakin trailed his mother out onto the streets and watched in disbelief as she took Qui-Gon's arm.

    "He's following us." Qui-Gon said in annoyance.

    "Shhh!" Shmi hurried her step. "Don't look back!"
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