[Task 2] A Big Brother Noir

This job is tough, like trying to look at farraday naked without giggling. Unlike Jjanda, the job ain't easy. But, also unlike Jjanda, somebody has to do it. See, I work for Big Brother. We're private investigators. If you're up to no good, and someone in town has a beef with you, then we're more than likely watching. Like Paris Hilton's gynecologist, I've seen some things that make my blood run cold.

Like FateNaberrie taking her seat after a trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet, I had a lot on my plate. I didn't have the time to deal with petty distractions. Eaglet's case was a petty distraction.

"C'mon, Rhett," he said. "I really need your help with this. I have to get it back."

After the night I'd had with my secretary, PK, I was hardly paying poor Eaglet any attention at all, like I would political commentary from Seldon. PK and I had stayed up late drinking and humping like horny puppies, and my head was more cloudy than a Christina Aguliera urine sample. I couldn't remember what "it" was that Eaglet was talking about.

"Tell me again what 'it' is," I said.

"It's my Wham record collection. Someone stole it."

Like my johnson, my list of clients is long and distinguished. And like the prequels, this request was a travesty. "I'm not taking this case! I have much bigger fish to fry."

Eaglet reached into his pocket and pulled out a floppy disk. "I'll give you this if you'll help me. It's the script for Revenge of the Sith."

"I'll take the case," I said without hesitation. "Do you have any idea who might have done this?"

Eaglet thought for a second. "Only a guess," he said. "Kaine likes terrible music too."

"That's fine," I said. "I'll start with him." Eaglet walked out of the room. I sat there thinking for a bit. Kaine worked in DA's office, down on the second floor. Like Siegfried and Roy, I was also convinced they were lovers. Them stealing a Wham record didn't seem so far-fetched, but I didn't want to tip them off before I could prove it. I had to gather some info first.

I walked downstairs to find Carmen. She wasn't actually employed in the building, but she did plenty of work here. It was still pretty early in the morning, so maybe she wasn't already turning tricks and would be available to talk. She had a knack for knowing things going on in this building. I was sure I wanted answers, but I wasn't sure that Carmen was sure that she wanted to give me the answers I was sure that I wanted, but I was sure that she knew something about the situation. This chick showed every Tom, Dick, and Harry in the building a good time, and men will tell a pretty girl anything. Luckily for me, they'll tell Carmen a lot of stuff too. I should know. I hit it.

By the time I made it to the third floor landing in the stairwell, I had already found her. She was curled up in the floor with farraday. Like Ted Kennedy at a junior high slumber party, farrie was pantsless. I started giggling like a schoolgirl at the sight. Carmen roused from her slumber and looked up at me in a half-asleep drunken stupor. "Let's go into the hallway and talk, Carmen. I need some answers."

I decided on my way downstairs that I'd get rough if I needed to in order to get the information I was after. Looked like I needed to. Carmen just sat there staring into space. I bent her over and gave her a noogie. Her matted hair was coarse and rough and irritating, like AOTC dialogue. I demanded answers.

"Gimme the skinny on Eagle's Wham record. I know you know something!"

She squirmed and squealed... like a little piggie. "Ok! I'll tell you what you want, but for a price!" I loosened my grip, felt around in my pocket, and handed her a wrinkled twenty dollar bill. Her eyes lit up like a deer in headlights. With her skills, it'd take at least a week for her to earn that kind of money in her line of work.

S

 

God bless noirs.

 

I like bacon.

 

Bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good.

 

I think I just got served, but it was pretty damn funny. Good work.

*does jitterbug*

 

You people need to recognize the beauty and awesomness that is noir.