Jack, FL Thanksgiving Humor

Discussion in 'South East Regional Discussion' started by yuleelee, Nov 24, 2004.

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  1. yuleelee Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Aug 9, 2004
    Happy Thanksgiving...I'm thankful for all of God's blessings. Here's a bit of holiday humor....

    Thansgiving is that very special holiday when we take a break from our hectic everyday lives.. a time when we pause to remember, as generations have before us, that an improperly cooked turkey is...in the words of the U.S. Department of Agriculture..."a ticking Meat Bomb of Death".
    Yes, it is a tragic but statistical fact that every Thansgiving, undercooked turkeys claim the lives of an estimated 53 billion Americans (source: Dan Rather). Sometimes the cause is deadly bacteria; sometimes-- in cases of extreme undercooking.. the turkey actually springs up from the carving platter and pecks the would-be carver to death.
    The only way to be sure you've killed all the bacteria in your turkey is to cook it until a meat thermometer inserted into the breast melts, indicating that the turkey has attained the same internal temp. as the sun. "Basically", advises the Surgeon General, "you want to be serving your family a 16-pound charcoal briquette."
    Speaking of which:The "hot" new Thanksgiving culinary trend is to cook turkeys in big deep-fat fryers, which are hugely popular because they give guys an excuse to spend Thanksgiving outside drinking beer and messing around with a device that could potentially destroy an entire neighborhood.
    Of course not everybody is comfortable with the idea of eating turkeys, which are, let's face it, living organisms, like dogs, or donuts. You may wonder: Is there a more humanitarian option that you can serve for Thanksgiving dinner? There certainly is: It's tofu, a semi-foodlike substance secreted by soybeans as a defense mechanism. Tofu can be used as a high-protein meat substitute, as well as a denture adhesive or tile grout. In its natural state, tofu is tasteless and odorless, but if you form it into a turkey-shaped lump, season it well, add gravy and bake it for two hours in a shallow pan at 350 degrees, you can also use it for minor driveway repairs.
    Of course, no Thanksgiving dinner is complete without the pumpkin pie. Here's an easy recipe for this delicious traditional dessert:
    1. Using a dangerous knife, cut the top off a large pumpkin.
    2. Inside you will find a mess of stringy, stanky, slimy pumpkin innards. Scoop these out and discard them.
    3. Now discard the rest of the pumpkin, because the simple truth,is that NO PART of the pumpkin looks, smells or tastes ANYTHING like so-called "pumpkin" pie. This is why nobody actually makes pumpkin pie; everybody buys it at the supermarket.
    Thanksgiving is not merely a time of eating until we are big fat bloated carbohydrate balloons lying motionless on the sofa watching the Detroit Lions while actual gravy oozes from our pores. It is also a time of giving thanks.. for the fact the the malls are open on Friday. Otherwise we'd have to spend another day cooped up eating toxic levels of leftovers.

    Exerpt from Dave Berry's humor column- Times Union
  2. Leia214 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 24, 2004
    star 3
    Dave Berry is great!! He provides our household laughter in the morning when we are getting ready for work.
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