The Adventures of Kyle Katarn: Episode I - The Store (Humor)

The Adventures of Kyle Katarn: Episode I - The Store

By: Solid_Snake
Genre: Humor
Timeframe: EU (around specter of the past)

This is a short humorous fic I got to writing a few days ago. I noticed a shortage of Kyle Katarn fics on these boards, and seeing as Kyle is one of my favourite characters, I used him in the main role.

There are 2 parts to this fic, so I will post the first now.

I rate this PG-13 for Needless violence and Mild sexual references.


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Kyle Katarn was sitting in his hot tub, fruity drink in one hand, holoscreen controller in the other, watching the Shockball grand finals. He was luxuriating in the hot, foamy water? and Jan Ors? soothing massage.

Suddenly Kyle?s comlink bleeped, demanding attention.

?Dammit!? Kyle yelled, the sudden sound startling him and causing him to spill his drink. ?I thought I turned the blasted thing off!?

Furious, Kyle reached over and picked up his comlink. ?Whaddya want??

?Hello, Kyle,? the crisp voice of General Airen Cracken, Head of New Republic Intelligence said.

?Cracken?? Kyle asked, ?What the hell are you calling me for? I?m retired from the military!?

?Listen Kyle,? Cracken said, his voice taking on a tone of urgency. ?I need a favor.?

?Hey, I don?t owe you anything,? Kyle told him, just wanting to get back to his game and massage.

?Then I take it you?ve forgotten about the time you and a few of your ?Jedi buddies?, namely Corran Horn and Kyp Durron, got drunk at that bar and went on that Force aided destructive rampage?? the General reminded him.

?What do you mean, ?that bar?? It was a fully licensed drinking establishment!? Kyle argued.

?By the Emperor?s wrinkly behind, Kyle, that?s beside the damned point!? Cracken yelled. ?Within the space of a few hours, you three managed to cause more havoc and mayhem then a Wookie with a hernia! You stole a speeder, blew up an entire city block, robbed the Coruscant bank and broke the galaxy record for liquor consumption, not to mention crashing the speeder through the Chief of State?s bedroom window!?

Kyle turned away from Jan, and whispered into the comlink, ?Keep it down! Jan still doesn?t know bantha dung about that, and I?d like to keep it that way! Besides, the dark side made me do it??

?Kyle, the only thing that prevented the whole galaxy from knowing about that was me and my agents!? Cracken told him earnestly.

?Yeah, but your ?agents? couldn?t stop old Borsk having a field day about it, could they?? Kyle?s voice became angered. ?We were banned from all Crouscant bars, taverns and cantinas for the rest of our lives! How would you feel if every time you wanted to have a drink you had to don a disguise??

?I feel for you,? Cracken said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. ?But if you refuse this mission, Jan may be finding some extra ?mission data? on her next assignment??

?Alright, alright,? Kyle finally submitted. ?What do you want??

?I need you to get your sorry butt down to the local store and get me some beer and a holozine.? The General hesitated. ?Preferably this month?s copy of ?Big Behinds?.

Kyle frowned. ?Big Behinds? You?re kidding me, right??

?It?s a great holozine,? Cracken said matter-of-factly, ?But the subscription is too damned expensive.?

?I take it you?re still living in that dumpster in the lower levels??

?Shhh!? Cracken hissed.

?You know, Cracken,? Kyle said, smirking, ?You?re a General. Head of New Republic Intelligence. Why in the name of the sith are you living down there??

?Uh,? Cracken stammered, ?I can get, uh, more peace and quiet down there. Yeah, that?s right.?

?If I didn?t know better, I?d say you?re forced to live there because you?re dirt-poor,? Kyle accused. ?You spend all your money on intoxicants and girlie magazines, don?t you??

?It?s none of your business what I do with my pay, when I actually get it,? the General told him. ?Just get the ?merchandise? and drop it off at my? office, okay??

Kyle ran a hand through his wet hair. ?I?ve got just one more question.?

?That being???