Discussion in 'Archive: Your Jedi Council Community' started by Disco_Lando, May 11, 2001.
I'm you're Huckleberry.
<<Welcome, ValedaKor, the Grumpy Chief Medical Officer, who shall henceforth be known as Grumpy Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Val.>>
Very good, very good.
Now I need some slavish sidekick, whereby I can provide the proverbial give and take of grumpy doctor and "servant" -- perhaps a Renfield type.
Overachiever Leda is showing another client around the ship. They run into Grumpy Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Val.
Leda, CFO: Grumpy Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Val! This is a new prospective client. I was wondering if you could spare a moment?
Dr. Val: Is something wrong?
Client: Are you a Doctor?
Dr. Val: Yes I am. Where does it hurt?
Client: Can you do ... medical procedures?
Dr Val: Yes. Talk to my scheduling department.
Client: Can you clone?
Dr. Val: Cloning is illegal.
Client: Can you do it?
Dr. Val: I have no experience in such an illegal procedure!
Client: Can you clone ... THIS? The client pulls pocket fluff out of his pocket
Dr. Val: You mean like THIS? Dr. Val pulls pocket fluff out of her pocket
The Client's eyes pop open in wide amazement. !!!!!!!! The client grabs the fluff from Dr. Val.
Client: You don't mind if we take this for tests!
Dr. Val: I don't care if you mop floors with a light bulb either. Now, excuse me.
Client: But of course!
Dr. Val walks away. Leda and Client walk back to where the client's portal shuttle thing is hooked up.
Client: I'll be in touch! Do you think she can do this in quantities?
Leda: I'm not willing to admit that she's done anything yet.
Client: We'll be in touch!
Uh oh, Leda's rambling again
Arghhh. Much as I'd like to be my usual grumpy self, I must admit begrudgingly...I like it.
I'll have my mindless lackey, er my associate Mr. Renfield make a note that henceforth Pocket Fluff should be removed from the list of controlled substances not allowed to be carried on board the Shiny Peach.
Now, please excuse me. I must go to my Lab and destroy the future of one of my medical students by pointing out the obvious inconsistencies in his Theory of Spatial Distortion by reminding him that "A Wink's as Good as a Nod to a Blind Man."
It's good to be the Doctor. Pip, pip.
MD, FICA, AKA
And so the roster is updated once more. Doctor Val and her sidekick-- er, associate, Mr. Renfield, will take thier places in the starship rebellion. Welcome abroad.
I mean aboard. Or whatever.
Ender, fire up the engines. Let's set sail for... wherever it is we're going... hopefully we'll pick up a few more members... until then, we'll have to multitask.
*cue theme music as the Shiny Peach blasts off, barely holding together...*
I was led to believe there would be Punch and Pie..
I could have sworn I sent you guys a memo a few hours ago... Never trust the post office, I guess.
AnywÃ©, Nearsighted Navigator it is. Does that mean I have to make amazingly obvious observations, ala a certain Naboo pilot, or is that part optional?
RÃ©ka settles down in front of the navigational computer, the huge manual open in her lap, a half dozen maps strewn about, a pencil behind her ear, a yellow highlighter behind the other ear, and a confused expression on her face.
Where exactly are we supposed to be heading, anyway?
Receiving no reply, she proceeds to chart a completely random course which manages to barely miss three planets, four asteroid fields, and a star cruiser. At this point, the navigational computer gets thoroughly disgusted and decides to take over. RÃ©ka is blissfully unaware of this fact, and blithely continues to draw random lines on maps.
( at the previous entries)
Punch and pie, eh? That's right, I did promise that, didn't I?
Hm. La Resistance may have to be put on hiatus until we can get some...
Captain Lando: "Reka! Stop writing all over my Magna-Doodle and figure out the nearest route to a bakery, would you, dear?"
Grumpy Doctor Val, stomping around the bridge, has managed to overhear the latest communication from our erstwhile commanding officer.
"A bakery! Dammit, man, haven't you been listening to anything I've said about your Cholesterol??!!"
Shaking his head, the Doctor headed for the exit, muttering to himself. "The Peach has never been the same since our late lamented Capt'n Reg got mixed up with that seven legged female on...Ensign, don't stare at me with your mouth open like that!"
Brushing past the pert little Yeoman Doctor Val punched the keypad, at the same time removing a tiny little flask from an interior pocket, and swigging a large gulp.
"Best damn stuff I've made in years."
::Captain Disco Lando and Lord Dream look at each other in bewilderment::
Lando: "Get her!"
Lord Dream: "Him, sir!"
Lando: "Get him!"
::They both jump on top of the rambling Doctor Val, who responds by complaining that he has dropped his alchohol::
Lord Dream: "I think something's come over the doctor - he's having non-existent flashbacks!"
Reka: (typing away at a nearby washing machine) "I'll enter it into the computer system. Yes, just as I suspected - the Doctor has come down with Conversion Syndrome, resident since the Great Snowboard Switch."
Lando: "What can we do, Reka?"
::She consults the washing machine for further information::
Reka: "There is no cure... he'll be forever plagued by memories that never took place."
::Lando and Dream let the doctor up::
Lando: "Oh well, give the doctor back his 'medicine.'"
::Lord Dream hands Val the now mostly empty flask as the doctor trodds off to sick bay, mumbling something about 'the time the fish took over the docking facilities'::
"Figure out the nearest route to a bakery"? Captain Lando, now really, you should know better than that. Obviously, I know where the nearest bakery is. I always know such important details. It's the small things, like left and right, that I get confused about.
Ok, so where are we? About half an hour out from Coruscant? That means... RÃ©ka counts on her fingers a bit Yep, the Kris-P system it is. Third planet, second moon, look for the dock marked C-R-M.
Let's just make sure to keep the grum<ahem> good doctor distracted, shall we?
"Oh! Er, ahem," Dr. Val said, hastily pocketing the flask. "I forgot to mention my sex change operation. Ever since I wandered into the OR during the Great Snowboard Switch...why the hell do you think I'm so damned grumpy? Sheesh!"
Pushing aside assorted personnel Dr. Val exited the Bridge, pausing only to punch the button marked "Spin Cycle" on Reka's computer.
Leda: points to the dots on the paper that Reka's been coloring. What's that?
RÃ©ka: That's the Spoiler Asteroid field.
Leda: Neato. And what's that?
RÃ©ka: The direct course to the best bakery around.
Leda: Do they have cannoli?
RÃ©ka: To make the mouth melt.
Leda: YIPPIEE! Do we have to go through the spoilers asteroid field?
RÃ©ka: Don't worry, if we do, I'll close my eyes.
Leda: OK. Me too!
(I'm too busy laughing my ass off to post much right now...)
Lord Dream: "Whoops. Looks like Dr. Val left an open can of anisthetic nitrus in the Captain's quarters..."
Quit hogging it all! I want some.
Attention crew. Shore leave has been cancelled this week due to the weekend having arrived early.
What weekend? Where? I don't see any weekend!
Wah! That isn't fair, you get a weekend already, and I'm stuck here, watching the socks go round and round in the dryer<ahem> computer.
RÃ©ka consoles herself by imagining how many cannoli, napoleons, and cream puffs she's going to eat as soon as they get to the bakery.
Dr. Val is excited at the prospect of a weekend, then remembers he has a meeting to attend on Saturday.
He heads for the Captain's quarters, muttering to himself, as usual.
"Gotta find me that open can. It's gonna be in there somewhere."
Who's getting an early weekend? I deny EVERYTHING!!!
NO! Wild turkeys couldna drag it outta me! I won't talk! I really won't!
Nitrous appears to have gone to someone's head.
Oh, what the hell- count me in Disco.
I was never one to conform anyway.
Disco Lando: (Turning off the nitrus valve but not before getting one last good whiff) "Hey, everybody, meet our new Chief Engineer and Special Ops Commander, Toshi Station! I took one look at his resume and decided to hire him."
Toshi Station: "But I didn't give you a res--"
Disco Lando: "SO, LIKE I was saying, he's highly qualified.
Ender: "Hey, does that mean I can stop pretending like I know how to work these engines?"
Disco Lando: "Absolutely, good buddy. Get yerself over to the communications board and prepare to beam us down to the bakery on the planet Yhamaka VI."
Lord Dream: (pulling himself off of the floor) "Sir, may I suggest a few less Star Trek references? We don't want a lawsuit. Again."
Disco Lando: "You're right, Dream. How's this? Punch it, Toshi!"
Disco Lando: "..."
Disco Lando: "...Oh, and let's go ahead and take this can of nitrus down with us, eh? Never know when it might come in handy."
Muffled noises emanate from underneath the communications array, and grumpy Dr. Val emerges, groaning.
"Get your own damned can! This one's mine!"
Snatching up the canister he turns to leave, only to trip over Lord Dream's outstretched leg. They both collapse in a heap.
Lord Dream sits up slowly, clutching his head and moaning. "She canna take ana more, Capt'n...!"
Disco Lando smacks his forehead. "Oh, now who's making the Star Trek references?"
New Chief Engineer Toshi Station surveys the scene, one perfectly arched eyebrow raised high. "What have I gotten myself into?"
<.... RC drags duffle and scans landing bays for her objective...>
RC: Let's see,
< looks up at dock roster...>
...the Slimey Limey... ah no, the Flying Gusher, ...ewww, sounds messy, must be Gomer's ship... the Vitupretive Shibboleth?.. wouldn't want to pay the paint bill on that title....
<then looking down at boarding pass>
Ah, the *S.H.I.N.Y* Peach.... there it is. Silly name... everybody knows a shiny peach is nectarine....
Hello in there? Where do I store my gear and when do we leave for the bakery? What is all this fuzzy stuff? Doesn't anybody clean around here
LEDA: Oh, those are just the Doctor's experiments. Pay them no heed.
RC: Yeah, well they look like dust bunnies to me. You'll be paying a good deal of heed if one of them things gets sucked into the hyperdrive- especially during jump.
LEDA: Point taken. I'll see if we can't spray a little Pledge on Dream and Lando as they roll around on the deck.
RC: Dream and Lando? Isn't Lando the captain? What's he doing rolling around on the deck. Notice I didn't have to ask that question about Dream...
LEDA: Well, let's just call it an *inspection*, yeah that's it. Captain Lando likes to inspect the deck plating up real close, every so often, take pride in the condition of his ship, don't ya know.
RC: .... I ...ah... see. This explains the giggling too?
Leda greets Rhui and in hushed tones explains that we're growing & harvesting the dust bunnies here on the shiny peach. That and there's a new horse riding program in the holodeck.
Rhui Chatar: You know that pocket fluff is dangerous. I should check out the holodeck to make sure it's working.
Leda: A lot of things can go wrong with a holodeck.
Rhui: Exactly. Let's call it off line until I make sure it's parameters are all parametery.
Rhui goes off to make sure the ship is in good working order and Leda runs into Ender.
Ender: Hey, do you think we could redecorate this ship? I think we should have lego tiles on all the walls.
Leda: Um, sure. So Ender, You are the one who talks to customs when we go through customs, right?
Ender: Why, yes I am.
Leda: What do you think of ... say ... cloning?
Ender: The clones in circuses always scared me as a child.
Leda: Exactly. And the clones on this ship?
Ender: Well, I don't like to admit it, but the captain and the first officer, given the right fluids, are a bit, well, fun.
Leda: And we're never going to turn them in, right?
Ender: Oh, NEVER!
Leda: Glad to hear it! So do we have clones on this ship?
Ender: No, No, No!
Leda, Shakespearian aside: Woohooo, profits!
[Oh dear, continuity problems. New post coming up.]