The Adventures of the P.S.A. Rebellion

Lord Dream finds Leda, Reka, Rhui & Toshi Station gathered about a table with tons of paper and a few slide rules while Ender stares at a board crowded with figures and Valeda Kor sits at the end of the table "supervising" (with her feet up on the table).

"PEOPLE ... OFFICER IN THE ROOM" says Lord Dream for the third or fourth time, but who is counting?

"yeah... hi... what's the pe ratio of ;asfdpj to pawoeiup 098 in the event we take a non standard trajectory and incur a w09u jp time variation before the fourth critical bench mark?... Dream, here, help," Rhui hands him an extra slide rule.

Lord Dream discovers the slide rule is a lot of fun. They ask him questions, he slides it around and then lets them know where he ends up.

"Do you know how to use that?" asks Valeda Kor, pausing to look over her newly painted toes. Renfield does good work.

"Sure" says Lord Dream making all the moving parts work. This isn't rocket science, you know.

"OK," says Leda. "In order to achieve maximum redundancy payments and retire in complete opulent comfort we need to resell this pocket fluff to at least five clients between now and the first bench mark. Reka, you'll keep your eyes peeled for benches?"

Reka demonstrates keeping her eyes peeled.

"And Toshi, you'll get those engines purring like kittens getting their first baths?"

"Sure sure," says Toshi with a grimace. "I may need to break it to make it work," he says making another turn on the rubicks cube he's working on.

"Good good. Ender, you'll communicate all this to our second in command, Lord Dream?"

"I'll have a memo tomorrow."

"BINGO!" says Rhui looking at the mahjong pieces.

The voice of Captain Disco can be heard clearly over the intercom:

"Are our profits redundant enough for me to sign an iou to a Blkasfj merchant for some ... uh .... bottles?"

"YES!" cry the doctor and first officer.

"My slide rule proves it!" continues Dream, scraping the slide rule open and closed a few times in front of the communications grid.

"Let's get frank" says Rhui to Reka.

"OK," says Reka, going off to find and retrieve Frank.

"I meant, let's be frank," says Rhui, following Reka back to the bridge/landry room.

 

Grumpy Dr. Val notes that he has had a sex change operation...again. Val...or Valerie? He hasn't decided yet.

However, he loves his painted toenails, and plans on having them done again next week.

He's also very disappointed that Rhui and Reka have decided to be Frank. There is, however, the possible chance of getting Serious, which, as his esteemed colleagues in the medical profession will attest, is a deadly disease to be avoided at all costs -- except at Food 4 Less, where it can be picked up at the special discount price of two for 59 cents, this week only. Limit six to a customer.

Isn't it time for Punch and Pie?

 

Disco Lando sits staring at the personell files of the Shiny Peach in his personal dance floor-- er, office.[/i]

I'm staffed up on pastry moguls, easily entertained officers, transexual doctors, and clueless engineers who find the rubix cube to be an enlightening source of traning.

I love it!!!

I wonder if the others will decide to post anything, however... they can't expect us to have all the fun babbling!

Lando proceeds to vigorously enjoy be the captain of an interstellar starship by counting how many times he can make the rubber ball hit the paddle without missing.

 

Try..to...post.

Not...sure...which..one..is..real...monitor.

Always...go..with..one...in..middle.

 

Ender, have you been going through my personal stash of liquor--- I mean, er, uh, asthma medicine?

 

I'm... confused. How I can I be 'frank'? I'm Réka, aren't I? I can't be two people at once, can I? Or is 'frank' a piece of furniture or something?

But then I'd have to be a piece of furniture and a person at the same time, and that makes even less sense. I think.

Toshi Station throws the Rubik's Cube across the room in frustration. Miraculously, it doesn't fall apart. He starts after it, but Réka beats him to it and snatches up the cube.

Ooh, it's been ages since I've played with one of these. Almost six months, in fact. Lessee... Oh, dear, you started it with the blue side up. No wonder you're getting frustrated, everyone knows you have to start with the red side!

Réka starts twisting away at the cube, all the while trying to keep it out of Toshi's grasp.

 

With every twist of the cube the engines can be heard to hum and rev. Reka is making headway against the chaos of color! Blue/red/yellow corner into place, right thrusters fire... red/white/blue corner into place, left thrusters fire... blue/red/green corner in place and suddenly Disco Lando's voice comes over the communication's system:

"Uh, is there a reason we're in hyper drive with out anyone in navigation? Hello? Hello? Ender? Anyone?"

Ender's voice: "Yes?"

Lando's voice: "Send out a memo!"

Ender's voice: "Yes?"

Lando's voice: "We shall not fly at faster than light speeds without someone at the navigation thing."

Ender's voice: "Y'OK. Is that all?"

Lando's voice: "No, and tell 'em I see dust bunnies everywhere. Good work!"

Ender's voice: "I'll get this out next quarter."

Lando's voice: "Good man!"

 

Dr. Val is admiring his beautifully painted toenails and fiddling with the Shiny Peach's intercom system.

"Good morning, everyone! Since my business is a little slow -- you're all much too healthy, well, except for you, Chief Engineer Toshi Station, but ha ha, the money you pay me, I mean, the contributions you make to the orphans on board, well, I won't be talkin' about that at all. Anyway, I've decided that we should start off the day with calisthenics and singing."

The doctor clears his throat. "So, I've written a little ditty, what I call Our Theme Song. It's sung to the tune of Rachmaninoff's Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini op. 43...oh wait, that's not right." (We hear the sound of shuffling papers). "It's actually sung to the tune of 'Mary Had A Little Lamb.'"

Punch is what we like to drink
Like to drink, like to drink!
And eating Pie cannot be beat
We love Punch and Pie!

"I'm so much happier now that I have pretty toenails...life is good, la la la. Goodbye!"

Shuffling sounds go out over the airwaves. The doctor obviously doesn't realize he hasn't turned off his microphone.

"Where the hell is that bottle of the Captain's Asthma medication? Come 'er, you little beauty...oops!"

Mercifully, the mic goes dead just as huge crashing noises can be heard in the background.

 

WHEN SUDDENLY!!!!! the pocket fluff starts to heave and shift, gathering into a form, a horrible form, the horror form, the form of horror, horrible to behold -- THE HORROR!

horrors!

It morphs into a White Fluff Ball, rolling through the ship, gathering all the dust bunnies along its way, and it hits a warning buzzer as it goes.

Renfield: Dr. Kor, is it time in the narrative for the alien warning buzzer to be buzzing?

Dr. Kor: No. I checked the story outline before boarding and no aliens were going to board.

Renfield: OK. Should I send out a report?

Dr. Kor: Do we have that unregistered presence form around? Fill that out.

Renfield: OK. Here it is.

Question One: Did the presence make a direct threat?

Question Two: Ask the presence its name.

Question Three: Ask the presence its cause.

Question Four: Do you hear any distinguishing characteristics in the presence's' presence?

Question Five: Which was the first sense which first sensed the presence?

Question Six: Which was the second sense which first sensed the presence?

Question Seven: Who are you, the person filling out this form?

Question Eight: Did the presence have anything to add which did not fit in an above category?


Is that the one I should send?


Dr. Kor: Yes, that's it. Now excuse me while I got rotate the bottles.

Renfield:
To Ender
From Renfield
Re The Warning Buzzer
Date You tell me

1: the presence is threatening us, proof is warning buzzer. 2, 3 & 4: The buzzer won't tell me anything but "buzz buzz buzz." 5: Light, 6: Taste, 6: Renfield, 7: see answers to 2,3 & 4.

Hoping this was the information this memo requires. Very truly yours,

Renfield

 

Yes the asthma kicked in Commander. The...uh...stas...medication was in that locker over yonder.

Yonder over Commander!!


I thought the sta...medication would make me understand Commander Leda better sir!!


Hey, everyone's a commander?

 

Disco Lando steps out of his personal quarters holding an interactive navigational menu complete with java-script buttons. He presses the "left" button, and the ship turns left. Out of a corridor down the hall on the right rolls out a giant ball of collective pocket fluff. It continues through a corridor on the left.

Lando hits the "right" button. The ship turns again. A man wearing a leather jacket, a brown fedora, and carrying a whip rushes out of the left corridor, followed by the ball of fluff.

Doctor Val is heard over the intercom system mumbling something about "donations" and then is suddenly cut off as Lando hits the button marked "wheelie."

Captain Lando decides that the navigational menu is of no use to him, tosses it aside, and goes off to find out what things are like on the bridge.

 

Captain Lando enters the bridge area to see Lord Dream discussing matters with a giant leech with a toad for a head via hologram. The toad wears a business suit and does not look pleased.

Toad: "You will remove your mascot immediately, or we will make further use of the collective fluff ray..."

Reka enters the bridge. She sees the toad and shrieks in shock. She tries to defeat the foe by hurling a cinnamon scone at it. The toad watches the scone with interest as it passes through his incorporeal image. It his lando in the chest and breaks apart. An unhappy cleaning droid sweeps up the pieces.

Lord Dream: (waving his hand) "You will call off the ball of fluff."

Toad: "You moron. I'm a hologram. Your jedi tricks cannot work on me."

Lord Dream: (waving his hand) "I will not try that again."

Lord Dream: "I will not try that again."

A drunken Ender stumbles into the bridge and walks up to the control panel. He pushes a button marked "widescreen." The Toad's head and feet are suddenly removed from the image.

Disco Lando: "What's going on here?"

Headless Toad: "My name is Yakshishmariznaooble Gargamalliosis. I am from the planet Ta. Your mascot is an infringement upon our moral code, and we demand that you remove it. We have a Collective Fluff Animation Ray aimed at your ship. Your cargo is under our control, and shall be the end of you if you do not comply."

Doctor Val enters, sobbing but still admiring his nails. Leda consoles him. Reinfield follows, carrying a broken bottle of whisky.

Disco Lando: "But the Darth Kimball helmet has been with us from the beginning!"

Headless Toad: "There is no Darth Kimball."

Captain Lando begins to think deeply about flowers. He decides that he likes yellow ones the best.

Disco Lando: "Right. We'll give you a week to comply with our demands."

Headless Toad: "But... we... have made the demands."

Disco Lando: "Jolly good, you think about that one for a while and get back to us, mkay?"

Confused and Headless Toad: "But the fluff--"

He is abruptly cut off as Ender continues to play with random neat-looking buttons.

Lord Dream: "What will we do captain?"

Disco Lando: "Get me... the Lawyer."

 

A baby-faced fellow in a pinstripe suit enters, the names "Dewey, Skrewem, and Howe" emblazoned on his obviously expensive briefcase.


"You called, sir?"

 

Thank you, Toshi Station for letting him out of the airlock.

We've a legal situation on our hands much worse than that Ender stuff. I need to know our rights concerning our mascot and logo.

 

I dunno, me playing with buttons is kinda scary?

 

Leda brings up the paper work for the mascot as asked by the captain.

There, signed on the credit card line, the spray paint bottles receipt: X

"Silly!," says Sith Acolyte, "X never ever ever ever marks the spot!"


Meanwhile the horrible animate fluff bunny grows a taste for Renfield's special abilities. It grows toe nails and purrs in complete joy as Renfeild gives it a pedicure. The nymph stage is nearly done...

 

*ahem*


The solution is really quite simple, Captain Lando:

I propose the following three points.


1) Never keep me in the airlock again. It smells like peas.

2) Copyright law varies from planet to planet, system to system. No overreaching code has yet been developed. Hence,

3) We shall sue them for asexual harassment.

Lando: what?

SA: Asexual harassment. We'll make out like bandits.

Ender: What the...?

Lando: I'm not sure about this. This is a...you know...family atmosphere...

SA: Precisely. Asexual.

Ender: Sounds esoteric.

SA: What you call esoteric, my young friend, I call the keys to my new condo on Dantooine. Let me handle this, Captain.

Lando: Will I have to read anything?

SA: No.

Lando: Works for me...Babaganoosh?

SA: Delightful...

 

Meanwhile, accross space, a spy sends out a coded message to the TA ship.

Beep beep sdfadslkfjasdfl;j beep beeeeep apdsoiu kjdf ....

Yakshishmariznaooble Gargamalliosis of the planet Ta stares in wonder.

They are accusing him of ... cloning? He hadn't thought the ship was particularly dirty, and so why should he be mopping and vaccuming... She looks around. It really isn't that dirty. He thinks that perhaps these visitors might be ...

unstable

 

[homer simpson]Mmmmm... bobaganoosh.[/homer simpson]

 

Meanwhile the Giant FluffBall with Toe Nails of Chartreuse has found the first officer's DVD collection.

"Young Frankenstein."

The fluff ball watches over and over, and learns to cry. The poor little girl! The poor gentle giant! The cruel cruel crowds! Poor Abby Normal who lost a brain!

The fluff ball rolls off saying from one mouth "what knockers" and from the other "class dismissed." It goes to seek Dr. Valeda Kor -- it's one true friend in the world. The good doctor will care!



MEANWHILE Ender starts tooling with the neato new light bright communications grid he got. He turns the lights down low and goes to town communicating & listening and having a jolly time finding the good radio stations. Then he hears it.

Someone is making illegal broadcasts from the Shiny Peach to the Ta vessel. He checks again. And it's piggy backed on John Denver tunes.

AAAAGGGGHHHH! will someone think that Ender is hosting his own radio station that plays Denver tunes? NOOOOO! thinks Ender....

He opens a com link to the ship in order to find the captain.

"Captain?" he says.

"Yes?" answers Disco.

"We have a security problem."

"That's why we have security officers!"

"OK, but I don't think we have security officers."

"Oh. hmmm. well, what is it?"

"Someone has transmitted secret information to the Ta ship."

"What did they say?"

" 'Beware! They know our plan! Security has been breached!' and then there's alot of John Denver music."

"The horrors!"

"You said it!"

"So we know their plans. This alters my plans."

"How?"

"Now I can predict their next move!"

"Uh, but they know you can, so won't they change their next move?"

"That's what the Ta want us to think."

"oh. ok. So should I let people go on using the ship to enemy communications options?"

"Sure! I don't want to get between anyone and their social life. But make sure that nice Dr. Kor is on again tomorrow morning ... it's better than the bus stop and the hustle combined! Woohoo!"

"Yes sir!"

Ender ends the transmission, pulling the little plastic peg from the light board. He watches some more transmissions to the Ta ship glowing in patterns across the board. Nice and soothing vision. Soon Ender goes gently to sleep and all is right with the galaxy.

 

LOL, they're such pretty buttons

 

*When smilies go wrong*

 

Dr. Val, no longer grumpy, now tickled pink by all the attention he was getting from the Giant FluffBall, was doing calisthenics.

"Got a date with a FluffBall, little bits of puffy luvvvv..." the doctor sang. "Gotta get in shape, gotta be buffed...ai ai ai!" he screamed, bending over a little too far and locking his back in a downward position. He tried raising up, but this was too painful. He now had a pretty good look at his lovely new toenails, but this undignified position was no place for a doctor.

Scrambling sideways like a crab, the doctor fumbled for his communicator.

"Ender! Ender! Anybody! You gotta help me!"

There was a little crackling on the other end of the call, and the unmistakable sound of snoring.

"Wake up, Ender! Sheesh, where is everybody? A zillion people on board this ship and nobody's awake???!!"

Dr. Val, rapidly getting more grumpy by the second, punched up another communications code. "Toshi Station...Toshi's gotta be up. He never sleeps...oh, goodie!"

But his initial elation soon turned to grumpiness once again. For instead of the dulcent tones of Toshi Station, another voice was heard:

"Country Roads take me home, to the place I belonggggg..."

Dr. Val smacked his head. "John Denver??? What'll I get my hands on Toshi...I'm gonna kill hi...ouch!" Another back spasm. The toenails were getting more unattractive by the second.

 

:lol

EDIT: how bizarre. how bizarre...

MORE EDIT:


for my later reference those were
: ) : ( : lol : P : D



And back to the story........




Disco_Lando & Rhui Chatar are in his "office" with the disco ball rotating, they have their hands on the floor, they are looking at their toe nails, and they are scurrying about as directed by Dr. Valeda Kor's calisthenic program.

Rhui Chatar: I don't remember this dance as being popular...

Disco_Lando: Dr. Kor is inspirational!


.... tbc .... I'm losing the edit window...