NOTE: To the melody of The Last Saskatchewan Pirate by the Arrogant Worms. The Ballad of the Disgruntled Ficcer I used to be a Star Wars fan and everything was fine I had the movies, Bantam books, and toys from Hasbro's line But things have changed, and though I tried I couldn't see the need A dark and gritty Star Wars wasn't what I hoped to read I looked for stuff that I could like, my searches all in vain The Star Wars that I loved was going quickly down the drain LFL, they promised that the next books would be great But all my heroes kept on facing dark and dismal fates Then I thought, who gives a damn if Star Wars changed for good I'm going to write great stories like those profic authors should And it's a heave (ho!) hi (ho!), writing what I like The Solo kids' adventures - the Vong can take a hike And it's a ho (hey!) hi (hey!), purists lock your doors When you see me posting stories they will never sell in stores Well, you would think that Marketing would learn to heed the fans But I still see a tragedy for Leia and for Han They deserve a better life than Del Rey authors gave them So here I'm writing AU fics to keep myself from raving Tales outside the Star Wars canon born of rabid rabbits Mush with happy couples - I'm a saccarinic addict 'Cause, you know, that they're my fics and I will have my way And if someone is in trouble, Luke will come to save the day And it's a heave (ho!) hi (ho!), writing what I please Mara Jade is kicking ass without that lame disease And it's a ho (hey!) hi (hey!), purists close your eyes When you see me posting stories where Chewbacca never dies My friend's an EU purist - we argue all day long He follows all my stories just to tell me why they're wrong But recent books, they went against the Star Wars that he knew So now he's into fanfic and we're waiting for you, too A glowing sword, the Jedi Code, and villains spawned in hell I gave up on the Del Rey books - in case you couldn't tell Princess Leia, Jedi Master, Guardian of Light If you want to see some action, better keep her in your sight And it's a heave (ho!) hi (ho!), writing what I want Changing this, rewriting that, while haters rave and rant And it's a ho (hey!) hi (hey!), purists go away When you see me posting stories where my heroes don't betray Well, Star Wars fics are pleasing but sometimes I want more Some pirates or a samurai to make my spirits soar Or maybe just some furry stuff, despite some people's scorn And if you don't like it, don't complain you were not warned Worlds collide and heroes 'ship with neither rhyme nor reason Fandoms crossing every time they air another season Palpatine and Voldemort, I made them bosom pals And the Vong are being hunted down by Optimus and HAL And it's a heave (ho!) hi (ho!), writing till I drop Mix-and-matching fandoms 'cause the rabbits never stop And it's a ho (hey!) hi (hey!), purists run and hide When you see me posting stories that have pokemon inside And it's a heave (ho!) hi (ho!), writing what they should Villains with the blackest hearts and heroes, pure and good And it's a ho (hey!) hi (hey!), come and join my side When you see me posting stories with my Star Wars love inside When you see me posting stories with my Star Wars love inside PS: Actually, I'm rather fond of the Del Rey books. Really, I am.