Before - Legends The Circle Opens (Pre-TPM) - FIRST DRAFT

Title ? THE CIRCLE OPENS
Author ? QUI_GON_QUINN

Disclaimer ? Star Wars as a whole belongs to George Lucas; I?m merely borrowing the galaxy for a while!

Description ? Years before the events of The Phantom Menace a family tragedy drives a man to take his two sons to the stars.

Notes ? This is a first draft of a story idea I?ve had for a little while. It?s VERY rough at the moment as I?m just floating it to get some feedback on what I?ve done and get some ideas from people! Be as honest as you like!


*************************************************************

?Tell us you must about your attacker?

?He was Iridian I think, although twisted beyond recognition. His lightsaber skills were honed to perfection. His very prescence made me afraid.?

?Control your fears you did?

?I had to otherwise there was no way to have got out alive. But there was something else about him. A strange sensation that I couldn?t quite place. Almost like déjà vu.?

?You recognised him??

?I don?t know. There was something familiar though?

*************************************************************

The lights in the ship?s cockpit had been switched off and the only illumination was from the control consoles and the swirling mass of hyperspace outside the window.

A lone figure sat in the control chair watching the galaxy flash by.

He was a short middle-aged man with silvery hair before his time. Although not well built he was covered in the sort of muscle that suggested a life spent in physical jobs.

He stroked his grayed beard and looked at the controls. They were almost there.

The coordinates had been difficult to get a hold of. Not many people came out this way and those that did spoke of myths and monsters.

For that reason the planet remained hidden.

He was convinced it had been hidden on purpose. Probably by some Jedi a thousand years before who couldn?t see the appeal archaeologists such as him would find in the place.

A noise from the rear cabin caused Fedoran Shaa to flinch and turn in his seat.

The baby was crying again.

He knew that it was to be expected. The milk nutrients available during those times were every bit as nourishing as the real thing ? but the bond between a mother and child could not be replaced with a bottle.

He stopped thinking about it. It only brought the pain back.

?Owen,? Fedoran called through to the back, ?feed your little brother please?

A young boy rushed into the cockpit.

?But dad, I?m right in the middle of something? Owen responded.

?Yeah, and so am I. Unless of course you?d like to pilot the ship when we reach orbit and I?ll go play pretend Jedi through the back?

The boy smiled at the thought of his father running around the ship with a toy lightsaber.

?OK dad?. He ran off again and started making the milk.

Fedoran checked the ?time on target? display on his control boards. He noticed that it was about to change to zero.

He smiled as he felt the familiar sensation of a drop from hyperspace.

The viewport was filled with a red, angry looking world.

He double checked the computer archives and confirmed what he had known all along. This planet was not recorded anywhere in the Republic.

?Falla? he whispered, ?we?ve found it baby?.

His search for this myseterious world started 5 years ago. He and his wife had heard rumours of a long abandoned world somewhere on the outer rim. This world carried a name that sent fear through most but excitement through him: Korriban.

The lost planet of the Sith. The Republics most ancient and feared enemy.

He flicked the scanner on and began looking for any signs of civilisation.

?Is that it dad?? Frye asked.

?Yeah, I think so?

?I wish momma was here to see it?.

Fedoran smiled, ?Me too son, me too?.

The scans proved conclusive. There were giant pyramidal structures on the surface of the planets western continent. Their design matched nothing current on the Republic databanks, but was reminiscent of a design from t

 

[face_shocked] Wow. Honestly, that was great! I loved how you had little Obi-Wan stop crying when Owen said Jedi. And the end was stunning also. I hadn't expected Maul to have been the one that killed Obi-Wan's dad. The thought that Maul killed Obi-Wan's dad all those years ago, and then just killed the man he considered a father is very depressing. Though really, great story, and awesome idea, this is original.

 

Great job!! Was hooked from the start and the whole use of the Owen Character was great overall. I've never seen him used in a possitve light, it's a refresing change!

 

nice job Quinn.

 

Good job. I liked Owen very much...keep going.

 

Thanks very much for the positive words guys

A couple of things I would like your opinions on if I can bug you!!!

1) Seems you like the Owen character. Is it clear from the story that it is not meant to be Owen Lars but is just a subtle nod to the fact that there are rumours about Obi-Wan having a brother called Owen? (I realise this stems from the original story of Lars being Obi's brother - I was trying to fit it in with current Lucasfilm thinking)

2) Do the time jumps work well (ie is the story easy enough to follow?)

3) Is there any part of this story you'd like to see expanded upon? Like I said at the start - this is a very rough version so far and I'm looking to expand it in the coming weeks.

4) Is it believable that the Jedi didn't figure out Obi's dad was killed by the Sith? This is something I've been thinking about a lot since I wrote this and it would seem to me that it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to put two and two together about the attack! If not, can you suggest ways to change it?

I know I may be asking a lot guys but I really have grown quite fond of my wee story idea so any help you can give me would be very much appreciated!!!

 

I just found your story. The Sith killed the father. Owen with the baby.
Oh no!. I could not breath, while I was reading your story.

For me keep it that way.

Great Job!