Saga The Convenience Store (Humor, short)

This is a really short 2-post that was started ages ago by another person. With his permission I?ve finished and edited it. This is assuming several things, i.e. that Anakin and Amidala are living on Coruscant and Anakin is still a Jedi. (Therefore it may not be historically accurate).

It takes place almost directly after AotC

I rate this PG-13 for Needless violence and drug references.


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The Convenience Store


One evening in Coruscant?

Anakin Skywalker was sitting in his hot ripple tub, fruity drink in one hand, holoscreen controller in the other, watching the Shockball grand finals. He was luxuriating in the hot, foamy water? and the soothing massage the ripple tub was giving him.

Suddenly Anakin?s comlink bleeped, demanding attention.

?Dammit!? Anakin yelled, the sudden sound startling him and causing him to spill his drink. ?I thought I turned the blasted thing off!?

Furious, Anakin reached over and picked up his comlink. ?Whaddya want??

?Hello, Anakin,? the calm voice of Jedi Master Mace Windu greeted him.

?Master Windu?? Anakin asked, ?What the hell are you calling me for? I?m on leave!?

?Listen Anakin,? Mace said, his voice taking on a tone of urgency. ?I need a favor.?

?Hey, I don?t owe you anything,? Anakin told him, just wanting to get back to his game and massage.

?Then I take it you?ve forgotten about the time you and a few of your ?drinking buddies?, namely Ki-Adi Mundi and Obi-Wan, got drunk at that bar and went on that Force aided destructive rampage?? the Jedi Master reminded him.

?What do you mean, ?that bar?? It was a fully licensed drinking establishment!? Anakin argued.

?By Yoda?s wrinkly behind, Anakin, that?s beside the damned point!? Mace yelled. ?Within the space of a few hours, you three managed to cause more havoc and mayhem than a Wookie with a hernia! You stole a speeder, blew up an entire city block, robbed the Coruscant bank and broke the galaxy record for liquor consumption, not to mention crashing the speeder through the Chancellor?s bedroom window!?

Anakin nervously looked to the adjacent living area, where his wife Amidala was lying on the floor watching the news on the holonet. He whispered into the comlink, ?Keep it down! Amidala still doesn?t know bantha dung about that, and I?d like to keep it that way! Besides, the dark side made me do it??

R2-D2 trundled up to the bath and whistled naughtily. Anakin put the comlink to his chest, and whispered: ?And you can shut your mechanical cake hole, you bucket of bolts! She hears nothing, you get it??

The droid made a rude noise.

?Anakin, the only thing that prevented the whole galaxy from knowing about that was me!? Mace told him earnestly.

?Yeah, but you couldn?t stop the Senate having a field day about it, could you?? Anakin?s voice became pained. ?We were banned from all Crouscant bars, taverns and cantinas for the rest of our lives! How would you feel if every time you wanted to have a drink you had to don a disguise??

?I feel for you,? Mace said, his voice uncaring. ?But if you refuse this mission, your wife may be finding some extra ?notes? on her diplomatic mission to settle that minor trade dispute next week??

?Alright, alright,? Anakin finally submitted. ?What in Sith do you want??

?I need you to get your sorry butt down to the local store and get me some beer and some, uh? death sticks.? The Jedi Master hesitated. ?And don?t think I don?t know what you?re thinking, because I can feel it! If you tell me-?

Anakin frowned. ?Deathsticks? You?re kidding me, right? Mace, I didn?t know you were a drug addict. An alcoholic, maybe, but not on sticks.? He smiled inwardly. You should go home and rethink your life?

?I heard that! And they?re a great drug,? Mace said matter-of-factly, ?But they?re too sithin? expensive. There?s a really greasy lookin? guy called Grino who you will find around the back of the ?24/7 Standard Galactic Time All Purpose Convenience Store?. He?ll give you the best deal on them. Tell him ?Big Sammy? sent you.?

?E

 

Anakin rocked his head up and down to the beat. ?Yeah, shake your booty, shake your booty! Ah, shake-shake-shake? shake-shake-shake?? Anakin turned off the holoradio, and proceeded to landed his Jedi fighter in the parking space outside the convenience store. He looked at the countless buildings on either side sprawling up into oblivion. Undoing his handy dandy seat belt, he opened the cockpit and jumped to the hard duracrete ground. As the cockpit closed behind him, he started to walk towards the convenient store.

Suddenly out of the shadows a gang of six green-skinned rodians appeared. An incredibly obese rodian, who appeared to be the gang leader, stepped forward.

?Well, boys,? he croaked, ?look what we have here! A little Jedi, all by his lonesome. What say we relieve him of his ship??

Damn ship-thieves, Anakin thought. Why do I always have to be harassed by scum like this? He gripped his lightsaber confidently.

A scrawny under-nourished looking rodian piped up, ?Yeah, momma?s boy! Yo momma so fat, when her comlink beeper went off, people thought she was backin? up!? The other Rodians burst into laughter.

Suddenly Anakin let the dark side take over, and unleashed a wave of fury. ?HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER THAT WAY! I WILL SLAUGHTER YOU UGLY SUB-HUMANS!!!? he screamed. He then ignited his lightsaber, and flipped high over the skinny rodian?s head. With a powerful slash, he cut the alien in half.

Suddenly the aliens opened up on him with their blasters. Anakin deflected one blast, and then another, back to the alien who fired it. Hit directly in the face, the unfortunate rodian screamed, and fell to the ground, kicking in death spasms.

Anakin deflected another laser blast into the sky, then chopped off the arm of another assailant. The rodian screamed for mercy, but Anakin grinned evilly and sent the rodian to hell.

Sensing an attack from behind, Anakin then threw his lightsaber, guiding it with the Force into another rodian gangster. The rodian was opened up from head to toe, and a trail of blood seeped from his body, forming a pool on the ground.

Laughing, Anakin walked over casually to the fat gang leader, who was frantically firing his blaster. Easily picking off the shots, Anakin suddenly rushed forward, and plunged his blade deep into the fat alien?s heart. The rodian coughed blood, then collapsed, lifeless.

The remaining rodian screamed like a frightened schoolgirl, then fled into the darkness.

Smirking, Anakin extinguished his weapon and replaced it on his belt. Hmm? he thought. Maybe those ?Dark Side Anger Management? tapes Obi-wan gave me haven?t been working as well as he said they would. I?ll have to tell him next time I see him?

Stepping over the corpses that littered the ground, Anakin walked over to the glass doors of the store. Angry that they weren?t self-opening, he raised his hands, powered up a destructive ball of dark side power and laughing maniacally, blew the doors to hell. He walked through the shards of glass, and made his way to the food section.

Upon arriving, Anakin found a hideous beast of a gran blocking his way to the beer. Grans were a species Anakin particularly despised, even more than Tusken Raiders, if that were possible. With three eyes on stubby stalks, they were absolutely disgusting in Anakin?s eyes. That was why Anakin had brutally slaughtered many of them.

Anakin reached out to nudge the alien. ?Hey punk, would you mind moving?? he asked as politely as he could.

The alien grunted in his native language, gave Anakin a one-fingered gesture, then went back to looking at the bantha jerky.

Unable to control his rage, Anakin yelled at the top of his voice, then raised his hand at the gran. He reached into the depths of his inner rage, channeling it. Suddenly blue lightning erupted from his hand, and poured into the gran, knocking him flying into the frozen food section. Burnt to a black crisp, the alien became one with mynock wings.

Now that his path was clear, Anakin reached for a 12-pack