Beyond - Legends The Dark Quadrant:A Warrior's Struggle

The boy couldn't have been but fifteen. His shoulders sagged under a tiring days labor and his clothes were nearer to rags. His hair was covered in filth and cuts and scrapes dotted his frail form. This, combined with the abuse of slave drivers, would have forced anyone into insanity or death. And usually the former led to the latter, but not him. Anger flared in his eyes as he toiled day after day in the sun's merciless rays.

When he was just five years old, his family had been slaughtered by a neighboring race that was well advanced. Primative is what they called people like him, and for that his people were wiped out to near extinction. He was chosen, however, to work the fields. It was a plan that needed his death to succeed, but he wouldn't let that happen. He would keep living, keep getting stronger, and one day he would avenge those that he cared for.

What he didn't know is that he wasn't meant to die, no, he possessed something that couldn't be passed up; The Force. He had known about his abilities and had even used and trained them to a point. The officials saw this and with it in mind, they carefully bided their time.

It wasn't long before an ancient Sith master appeared at the quarry where they had recently located to.

"Who is this boy that you speak of", the old master asked,"don't play me for a fool or I'll choke the life form you nice and slow. Show me now!"

A nearby watchman came over and pointed to a group of elderly slaves. in the midst of them all stood the young boy who was barely visible to anyone at the group's level. Using his powers, he held the stones just above their hands, twenty pairs in all, and did this until they got close to the pile of outgoing materials.

The old Sith looked a bit suprised,"And you say he hasn't had proper training?"

"No Master Finx, he just started doing that Force stuff when he was about nine to ten years old. Its like he knew he had it."

"He is a bit old..., but it is an exception I am willing to let go. Bring him to me and we will see just how trainable he is."

"Right away Master."

The official called over a guard unit and proceeded to the work site. He issued his orders to several drivers and dismissed all laborers under their supervision. All, that is, except for the boy. After everyone had left he whispered somthing to a lower ranking guard. The guard stood forward and spoke to the boy.

"You are requested to meet Master Finx. You do understand the meeting's importance, and I'm sure you won't have any problem leaving the pits-"

The boy defiently interrupted the guard. "I come and go as I see fit, not as some master wishes. If he really wanted to speak with me I see no need for guards or other ranking officials to be present."

The guard dealt the boy a swift blow to his temple, causing him to fall. "Remember your place, slave, or I'll have you killed on the spot."

Just then, Finx, who had been watching close by, shouted angrily at the foolish guard. The man sank back in fear. "I am greatly sorry, Master Finx. This slave doesn't wish to speak with your excellence, so I taught him what happens to those-"

"Silence, you are the incompetent one. Leave me, all of you and I will talk with this slave."

 

The boy couldn't have been but fifteen. His shoulders sagged under a tiring days labor and his clothes were nearer to rags. His hair was covered in filth and cuts and scrapes dotted his frail form. This, combined with the abuse of slave drivers, would have forced anyone into insanity or death. And usually the former led to the latter, but not him. Anger flared in his eyes as he toiled day after day in the sun's merciless rays.

- This is a great start you have here. I like the imagery. And you certainly have a strong idea what and where you wanna go with this. So great job

The rest of what you have feels rushed though. It don't have no thickness to it, if you get my drift. It's not a matter of plot or characterization, which you appear to be in control of, it's a matter of taking your time. Let us sweat in the heat of the plantation, discover for ourselves the boy's gift, and see the choices he makes that turn him arrogant enough to defy his slave drivers.

It'll take longer to get through the opening, yeah. And it'll be a pain, sure. But in the end, you might be happier with it.
Who knows.