Saga The Defection of Ackbar, or How Palpatine Wore a Speedo and Got his Groove Back - Dare Challenge

Title: The Defection of Ackbar, or How Palpatine Wore a Speedo and Got his Groove Back
Author: aldocassidy
Summary: Shoddy, not-at-all-funny, last-minute, beat-the-deadline response to a very evil dare.
The Dare: Write palpatine on a beach, he must be in a speedo, and be trying to pick up a date, he must get a date, his date can't find out who he is, and he can't use the force to get her to go out with him. You must use the word "shindig."

He stood motionless, a solitary figure gazing out into the gentle waves of the Mon Calamarian beach. Most of the denizens of the Imperial resort planet were still dozing at this hour, and he found that to be an advantage of his, for it would give him the courage for what he was about to attempt.

The Emperor of the grand Galactic Empire reached both his hands high as if to embrace the air above him. He breathed deeply and calmly, as if willing his mind to consent to the actions he was about to partake in. Reaching back towards the hidden zipper of his all-black Sith Robe, he hesitated.

I can?t do this. This is embarrassing. This is an outrage.

Suddenly he felt another dark presence in his mind, probing and gathering whatever thoughts it could. He pushed it away from his consciousness rather violently, sending an aftershock through the Force to all who could sense it; unfortunately, that number was rather low, given the recent purges and all.

?Stay out of my head, Lord Vader,? he warned his apprentice menacingly.

Heavy thuds and the sound of thick mechanical breathes emerged down the steps of his ship, parking conveniently behind him.

?I am only trying to help you, my Master. The sooner you get over this?insecurity, the better.?

Vader?s Master turned at him with a ferocity that even the most hated of his Jedi enemies were fortunate enough to witness firsthand.

?Insecurity? Who said anything about insecurity? I choose my lifestyle because it best serves the Dark Side. As my Master once said to me, ?those who hold the most power must also bear the most loneliness.??

?Well,? Vader observed through his inscrutable mask, ?I say that even the most powerful need to get laid.?

A snort emerged from the Emperor?s nostril area, a sign of sarcasm, as far as Vader could tell.

?I don?t see you getting any action, my young and very eligible apprentice.?

His words struck said apprentice harder than any actual physical blow could, as the large dark form staggered back in horror.

?With all due respect, my Master, you know full well that with the events of Mustafar, the lack of certain?appendages, if you will, have rendered me incapable of such ?actions.? Besides, you forget, I am a widower, and would like that to remain the status quo.?

?Still wallowing in your own muck, aren?t you, Lord Vader??

?You forget, I was once quite a stud in my heyday. Did I not manage to woo the most beautiful woman in the Galaxy??

?I would question your use of adjectives, my young apprentice, but your words make me nostalgic, almost.?

The Emperor slid his hood down the back of his head, revealed his fully deformed facial features.

?Did you know,? he asked his apprentice, ?that I used to be referred to by my female colleagues as? ?Senator Beef Cake?? Oh, to think of what the evil Jedi has taken away from me, that I would trade my entire empire if only to reclaim my dashingly handsome veneer.?

Darth Sidious chuckled at the pleasant memory while his taller apprentice simultaneously fought to keep down his rapidly rising tinglings of nausea.

?Very well,? Sidious exclaimed, seemingly unaware of his apprentice?s discomfort. ?I will leave you to your celibacy and let the Force guide me to my destiny?as the Galaxy?s greatest man-bimbo.?

Again he raised his hand high into the air, and using the Force, and obviously the Dark Side of it due to the extremely disgusting consequences of his actions, Palpatine threw caution to the wind, as well as his own robe, leaving behind only the frail and wither

 

Perhaps you should slip them a roofie coolada. They always seem to work for Governor Tarkin
falls over, gasping for breath

You have interfered with Telemarketer Ackbar?s marriage for the first and last time!
wait, wow, go telemarketer!!!

The shindig has yet to begin.
snorting...amusing...very amusing

very good job with an interesting dare...

-A

 

Oh, wow. So...just...*giggle*...you get the idea!

 

I have to second the amazement.

That was entirely too funny.

All of it.

 

I don't know rather to be shocked in horror at the mental image of Palpatine in a speedo or laugh my head off.

The idea of Palpatine and Vader comparing, er, conquests. And Ackbar's first name...hehehe....no wonder he goes by Ackbar.

Dare well done!

 

This story gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "The Emperor Has No Clothes."

The Emperor slid his hood down the back of his head, revealed his fully deformed facial features.

So, he's wearing a Speedo . . . and . . . an enormous all-concealing cloak.

Good idea. Yes, an excellent plan, really. He could claim it was particuarly effective sun-block. The dark side = SPF 1,328,672

as the Galaxy?s greatest man-bimbo.?



"Some day . . . I will be the sexiest man-bimbo ever!!"

"Good! Your hate has made you a chick magnet."

"At last, we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. But only the female ones. And only if they're hot. I'm not wearing a Speedo for Yaddle--no way."

The true nature of the Emperor's plan has been, um, "exposed."

four minutes and twenty-three seconds

Whoa! That woman must either have been made of iron, or else she was largely blind. Maybe she was really a droid with no photoreceptors . . . maybe she was a lamppost that the Emperor accidentally knocked over.

Perhaps you should slip them a roofie coolada. They always seem to work for Governor Tarkin.

Must . . . get image . . . out . . . of head . . .

Could it be that they are avoiding me? Is it because I smell? Do I smell?

That . . . *might* not be the sense that he is offending. Maybe.

?Damn you, you Evil Empire. You have interfered with Telemarketer Ackbar?s marriage for the first and last time! I will dedicate the rest of my life to secure my bloody vengeance on you.?

Aha! So that's how it happened. How bitter the Empire's final betrayal at the second Death Star must've been!

LANDO: But how could they be flirting with us if they don't know . . . that we're man-bimbos? Fake phone numbers! All craft issue fake phone numbers!!

ACKBAR: It's a come-on!!

The whole idea was sick, just sick, sick, sick . . . congratulations on making the best of a truly evil dare.

 

?Well,? Vader observed through his inscrutable mask, ?I say that even the most powerful need to get laid.? Not a wise thing to say, but it worked okay. Vader lived.

"Damn you, you Evil Empire. You have interfered with Telemarketer Ackbar?s marriage for the first and last time! I will dedicate the rest of my life to secure my bloody vengeance on you.?

And history would later prove his statement to have been correct.[/quote]

Falls off chair laughing. Good job.

 

The title alone boggles the mind And the actual story makes me wish I could turn my imagination off. Palpy in a Speedo is not a mental image I needed

And as for Telemarketer Ackbar - what is it with characters' weird first jobs? (Palpy the motivational speaker ) I love it. Fantastically silly stuff and all the better for the deadpan delivery.

Loved the four minutes, twenty-three seconds detail.

Nem

 

Okay, that was the weirdest thing I've ever read.

It was great though.

 

?And what of the mental pictures I am projecting into your mind right now? How many ways can you visualize my speedo, Lord Vader?? This was perhaps one of the most disturbing lines I've ever encountered in fanfic.

 

At least these women are still alive, my apprentice. The same I cannot say for your dearest Padme... Oh, burn from Palps! He is the insult master!!!!

?Well,? Vader observed through his inscrutable mask, ?I say that even the most powerful need to get laid.?

A snort emerged from the Emperor?s nostril area, a sign of sarcasm, as far as Vader could tell.

?I don?t see you getting any action, my young and very eligible apprentice.?

His words struck said apprentice harder than any actual physical blow could, as the large dark form staggered back in horror.

?With all due respect, my Master, you know full well that with the events of Mustafar, the lack of certain?appendages, if you will, have rendered me incapable of such ?actions.? Besides, you forget, I am a widower, and would like that to remain the status quo.?

?Still wallowing in your own muck, aren?t you, Lord Vader??

?You forget, I was once quite a stud in my heyday. Did I not manage to woo the most beautiful woman in the Galaxy??

?I would question your use of adjectives, my young apprentice, but your words make me nostalgic, almost.?... Wow. I always knew soft tissue burned more quickly than dense tissue. Poor Darth or Anakin...

This was the most disturbing, yet wonderful vig I have read in a while. Brought me out of lurkerdom for the day...

 

This was just so twisted and wrong on so many levels.... But so so funny!

Wonderful job, aldocassidy

 

This is immoral...so tacky and immoral...shameful!

Okay, not really.

But it is disturbed. Although it works for a good purpose...I mean, the title alone will either get a reader in the door, or send them running right out for the strongest bottle of whisky. The last part, anyway.

Now, some random comments:

?Insecurity? Who said anything about insecurity? I choose my lifestyle because it best serves the Dark Side. As my Master once said to me, ?those who hold the most power must also bear the most loneliness.??

Can I use this as my motto? Really, I can send you 5,000...oh, okay, forget it.

leaving behind only the frail and withered 72 pound body of the Imperial Emperor clad only in his exceedingly tight swimwear

Brain bleach!!!!!! STAT!!!!!!

?I will leave you to your celibacy and let the Force guide me to my destiny?as the Galaxy?s greatest man-bimbo.?

Umm...umm...no comment.

Perhaps you should slip them a roofie coolada

Oh, dear.

Well, I suppose this won?t be the first time I?ve settled. After all, my first goal in life was to become a traveling motivational speaker, not a Dark Lord of the Sith.

See, Palps, that's what happens when you pick up those Dale Carnegie books. You get swept up in that idea of influencing people...pretty soon, you're doing mind tricks on 'em!

In the end, you have created something very amusing, and you were able to answer a dare that many of us would have been intimidated by.

 

Sickety sickety sick sick.




This had me laughing out loud. What an evil, evil dare.

 

All right, it's posted now, I admit it, I gave you the evil dare...

you did far above my expectations!!! Great Job

-A