St. Lou, MO The Dr. Phil Thread

Thought this would be a fun thread... A tad innovative too. Got the idea from another forum.

All of you probably know Dr. Phil. Most believe he is a fraud, and I fall into that category. Heh. However, it can be fun making fun of him and such. Hence, this thread was created. This is how the thread works. Someone makes up a problem and the first person to respond must play Dr. Phil and think of an answer to this problem. Afterwards, you should think of a new problem for someone else to answer. Note that this is not a thread to post your real personal problems in, only problems that you have just made up. The object of this thread is FUN. I'll start with my letter to "Dr Phil."

Dear Dr Phil,
I'm desperate. Someone told me the world will end tomorrow. What shall I do?!?!

 

Well, you should just go out and get really drunk and wild. That will cause you to get put in jail and then the world will not end.


Dear Dr. Phil,
I just found out that I got my sister pregnant. What should I do?

 

Dear Scott,
People have been saying the world is coming to an end for a very long time. This fantasy is perpetuated by tabloid magazines and superstitious folks across the world. Given their track record at prediction, well, let's just say I don't think you have anything to worry about.

However, this is not to say there's not a problem. Given that you were so eager to panic and bring this to my attention, there may be something else that we need to discuss. It seems to me that while there may not be a literal end to the world, perhaps you are fearful of a more personal apocolypse. Is there a traumatic event occuring in your life that you fear may be reaching a peak soon? Or perhaps not even traumatic. That's too specific. Let's broaden the question so it's vauge enough that you can come up with your own problems and I can guide you to meaningless answers for meaningless problems. So how about something that's just minorly irritating. Anything like that going on in your life recently?

~Dr. Phil

EDIT: Beaten like a red headed step child.

 

Make sure it's not yours. And if it is, consider visiting Jerry Springer.

It's also my professional opinion that we should get rid of the OPPM

~Dr. Phil

EDIT: Oh yeah problem....


Dear Dr. Phil,

I'm illiterate. Please write me and tell me how to fix this problem.

~X

 

Dear Dr. Phil,

I constantly call a ambulance, pretending to be sick and call attention to myself. I prefer pity from my family and co workers. Is this a bit much, and what advise do you have for me?

Sickly the devoted fan of yours.

(If you send me front stage tickets, I think I may be well enough to watch the show. But I may need to call in sick to be able to get there.)

EDIT

Dear Dr. Phil,

I'm illiterate. Please write me and tell me how to fix this problem. ~X

A tape arrives your home...
Dear X,
Since you cannot read, I am making you this tape. I suggest you go to kindergarden and see if you can fit into a desk and try again. I know you can do it. If not, the enclosed envelope has letters in it and ask your children to show them to you.
Thanks for taking time to write.
Dr Phil

 

Dear reader,
While it seems your cries for help should be noticed, it seems they're not enough. You may want to consider suicide. That's a real crowd pleaser.

~Dr. Phil

---

Dear Dr. Phil,
My girlfriend likes Star Wars. But I'm a jock and can't understand it. She says she doesn't want to date someone that's not into it and I don't want to lose the hottest girl I've had. (If you saw her in this "slave Leeha" costume, you'd understand). What should I do?

~Jockius

 

Dear Jockius,

She's too good for you. Give it up and introduce her to your nerdiest friend. If you really want to try, buy, not rent all six movies, the novels and comics and get to studying. Ask same said friend for help. Also quit your jockish ways and take up computers. Learn the meaning of kthxbi.

kthxbi, Phil

<hl>

Dr Doc,

Should I ban them all or just mod bolt them for the next two months? Or both

<3 Zeus

 

Dear Zeus:

I would suggest opening up all of your "banned" identities in the matter, and look inside yourself. There you will see that "unbanning" for now is the right answer. Then, after all is said and done, you can ban them all you like. Laughing is good for the soul though, and it's very healthy. It will help you lose weight, if you are interested, like all of my other patients are. As for the modbolts, I think they might like that too much.

Dwell on the matter more, then come back to me on the issue.

-Phil



Dear Dr. Phil:

My pet ewok just set fire to my brand new spacecraft, and I didn't have security measures installed. Now, the fire is creeping up to where I sit pondering and asking you what to do about this serious matter. What should I do? Quickly, before my pants go aflame.

-Janson

 

Dear Zeus,

I think you should Mod bolt them and let them feel the shock of that lightining. If that doesn't work, take two drinks, find a good strip club, and come back in the morning.

~Dr. Phil

---

Dear Dr. Phil,

I just learned that my boyfriend makes 33k a year at his job, I don't make even Half that! What should I do!

thx,
Lost in a snowstorm

 

Dear <3 Zeus,

Oh the mod bolt for sure!! It will be fun to watch if nothing else...

LOL,
Dr. Phil


Dr. Phil,

Someone told me the world was ending, so I went out and maxed out all the husband's credit cards!! I am in such trouble!!

Help me Please!!
In over her head...

 

Dear Janson,

Call Wedge, I bet he knows what to do. Worse comes you can rib him about the Ewok before the fire reaches your pants.


******************
Dear Lost,

Charm him with you wiles, take 3/4 of his money, then run away with the pool boy Franz.

************************

Dear In,

Charm your husband with your wiles and run off with Lost, Franz, and Franz's Scotish brother Ewan

~DOc Out

 

Dear Dr. Phil,

I just crashed my X-wing into a small asteroid and the Space Police charged me with an FWI.(Flying While Intoxicated) What should I do Dr. Phil?

Ben Dover

 

Get a good Space Lawyer. YOu may have take some Space courses or do some Space community service.(If you use the term "Space police" every noun following MUST be preceded by the word Space)Also look inward towards your own Space drinking problem. You shouldn't get so Bantha-fodder-faced.

??Dear Dr. Phil- I think you gave me the Space Chiggers, and those copper wires didn't do the trick so maybe I'll try a length of rubber tubing to get the plaster to stick. How do you eat a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup (TM)

 

Dear ??,
Just remember, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU OK!
As for your problem, I recommend that you eat it slowly as to enjoy the taste and also so no stomach aches will occur.








Dr. Phil,

My problem is that I'm hardcore Star Trek fan, I know that is hard to believe. How can I stop liking Star Trek and start liking something better, like STARWARS?

 

Dear ??-

I don't know what ever possessed you to like Star Trek, but you have to break that connection you have with that series right now. It's not healthy for you. If you want to get into something better like Star Wars, just watch the six movies. You'll know right off the bat that they are so much better than Star Trek. You have to do this soon though, because the dark side is strong, and it will try to pull you over towards the Trek side. Don't give in. You have to believe in yourself. You have to know you are better than that. Believe me, it will pay off in the long run.



Dear Dr. Phil:

Firefox or IE?

-Technical Curiosity

 

Dear Technical Curiosity,
In answer to your question of which is better FireFox or IE, I wouldn't know I use Safari






Dear Dr. Phil,
I have a friend who is obsessed with Orlando Bloom. She runs around all day screaming "ORLANDO BLOOM IS HOT!OMG!LOL!*thud* The thud is her fainting and landing in a heap on the floor over said person. How do I break her of this unhealth habit? I'm afraid the fainting is causing brain damage.


Hi Scott!

 

Dear ??,

Tell your friend that she needs to seek medical and psychological help immediately. You should take away all movies that have Orlando Bloom in them around her (with the exception of the LOTR movies, which should be given to Tolkien fans and movie lovers) and burn them, so she will never have to see this person again, who is triggering these episodes within her. She will have to go through some rehab, but with attention and good care, you can teach this person to get over such said unhealthy obsessions. It might be a while, so be patient. These kinds of situations are running rampant within our society, and should be dealt with correctly. I hope you have gotten this message in time, because the brain damage could be very severe.

Best of luck to you.



Dear Dr. Phil,

I have a strange obsession with hitting stormtroopers in the crotch with a plastic lightsaber. I'm afraid of what my actions might result in. Any advice?

 

Dear ??,

You may want to refrain from hitting them in the crotch as this may cause you serious injury or even death to you. I would recommend that you take the plastic lightsaber and stab them through the eye lens instead. That way they can not see to shoot you with their plastic E-11 blaster rifles.

Dear Dr. Phil,

I am a grown man but I like to play with Barbie Dolls and have tea parties with my teddy bears. Is this wrong? If it is, what would you recommend I do about it?

Your biggest fan,
Ima Suzette

 

Dear ??

What the hell possesed you to beat someone in the crotch with a lightsaber? Have you ever considered the health ramifications of being stabbed in the eye with a hot french fry? The next time you mention assaulting someone in the crotch with a lightsaber (be they in armor or not) I shall personally rip out your laryinx.

-Dr. Pill.

 

Dear Dr Phil,
Is it true you are going to get fired for being too popular, more then the host who got you started?
the fan