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Saga The Emergence Of Vinn...< POST - ORDER 66, / O.C.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by jabbathenutt, Jan 10, 2006.

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  1. jabbathenutt

    jabbathenutt Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    May 28, 2005
    AUTHOR: jabbathenutt
    GENRE: action/adventure
    CHARACTERS: Master Jax Sallin, Padawan Duunbarr Vinn

    my characters are thought of by another,but i have his permission, thanx toddi ;)
    i hope i can take it further and build on it



    The distant sun rises over the horizon. Lighting, dimly, the roof of the cave. I can still feel a little pain, but its bearable. I open my eyes and realise that i m still here! How did this happen? Why couldn't i have foreseen this event? .............Why did it even happen at all???

    It has been 21 days now since the so called 'Order 66', which i hav found out to be the erratication of the jedi. I was lucky to escape with my life, let alone the injury i hav sustained. My clone commander, Commander Vortez, got a lucky shot that grazed my lower leg and tore off a layer of flesh. I am meditating immensely to heal myself so i can leave this waste land of a planet!

    I came here to Dessemerre 4 months ago. A distant planet in the 'outer' outer rim. Well thats what we called it in my battillion anyway!! I am still getting accustomed to the horrible smell. It is from the huge waste dumps under the main city of Trandiste. The city is massive and over populated.......hhmmm reminds me of Coruscant really!! Except that this city is the only one on the entire planet. The rest of the surface is covered in moss rocks that seem to never end. A few vast structures have formed over the years and there are caves from the errosion and winds.
    It is in one of these caves that i m currently calling my home. At least until i heal completely. I have managed to find a few supplies that my clone troopers seem to have........forgotten? Oh well, their loss!

    Suddenly, through the force, i hear the far off sound of running footsteps. They are coming this way. I can feel this beings terror. It is frightened of something or worse someone!!! They are only a little way off now. Closer.........closer, they get. I clutch my saber just in case they are hostile. Even a hostile gets frightened and can be very dangerous! I turn out the lamp and stand in the dark, waiting.
    In the light of the opening of the cave i see the person, it is a human form. They are looking around frantically, almost as if looking for me. I can feel something else now, a feeling of.......content. Calmness has now overcome my visitor. Their breathing has slowed somewhat and there is this feeling in the air that......................suddenly there is movement towards me and i instinctively ignite my saber. A bright green glow now fills the cave and i am standing face to face with a padawan human girl!! Her robes are a bit torn and burnt in a few spots but she appears to be physically ok.
    "What is your name and how did you find me here?" i gently whisper.
    "My name is Duunbarr Vinn" she responds. "And i could feel your presense in the force. That is how i knew you were here........Master Jax Sallin! I am running from an army of clones that have been chasing me since three days ago. I have not slept nor eaten and am getting very tired!"
    "Fear not, my young padawan.For you are safe now! Please, have some food and water and get some rest, you will need it!"

    2 hours go by and i am sitting meditating, feeling, at the entrance to the cave. My new 'friend' fell asleep straight away and has not stirred since! I can hear the distant thunder of heavy artillary tanks heading in this direction.It wont be long now! Just as i think of waking my young friend, a huge explosion shakes the ground and wakes her up anyway. I quickly grab what i will need to survive into a rucksack and we both flee further into the cave. Being here so long i did have time to wander and explore the cave and i know that it actually does travel a fair distance before coming out the other side of what was once Jabeer Lake. As we exit the cave their is a single clone trooper standing guard near an Arc 170 Starfighter. Duunbarr starts towards him ready to ignite her saber but i stop her, grabbing her shoulder.
     
  2. Adalia-Durron

    Adalia-Durron WNU/Costume/Props/EUC Mod. star 10 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Jun 3, 2003
    A interesting plot, but the spelling & structure need a little attention. But please, continue. Its a nice start.
     
  3. jabbathenutt

    jabbathenutt Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    May 28, 2005
    thanx for the input a-d.
    although i thought my spelling was spot on....[face_thinking] might have to go back and read it again.
    what do you mean by structure?:confused:

    anyway, thank you so much for letting me know what you honestly thought.
     
  4. dashleebo

    dashleebo Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    Oct 18, 2003
    I enjoyed reading it... :cool: It was exciting, and it kept my attention all the way through. Nice work.

    The spelling is good by the way. Just a few mistakes I noticed like 'hav' (have), "As we exit the cave their is a single clone trooper..." (there), "There are alternitives to fighting!" (alternatives), and "I quickly reaspond" (respond). I assume the last one is a typo anyway.

    Also remember that the 'i' on its own should be 'I'. For example, this is how it would be incorrect (line from your story): "Spinning and firing at the same time i manage to vanquish most of the squad! ". This would be correct: "Spinning and firing at the same time I manage to vanquish most of the squad! ". ;)

     
  5. jabbathenutt

    jabbathenutt Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    May 28, 2005
    ok so my speeling isnt ferpect.:p

    but who's is?:rolleyes: yes i realised after reading it again that i forgot to capitalise some of my 'i's, but thanx for the input dashy.
     
  6. obi-han-doa

    obi-han-doa Jedi Youngling star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 12, 2005
    that is really good I didnt care bout spelling


    heck im no good with spelling


    and so all u know i aint doing 1 i got no clue to start 1
     
  7. dashleebo

    dashleebo Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    Oct 18, 2003
    My spelling aint perfect either ... :p nor is my typing.
     
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