Before The Feather Falls (OCs, massive angst, Knight Qui-gon, updated 12/06/04)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Neon Star, Mar 23, 2003.

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  1. Neon Star Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 30, 2000
    star 5
    Don't worry, last one from me for a while, except for the few I may be moving soon. I hope you enjoy it. I may contiue this, I hope to contiue this.

    The Feather Falls

    I look towards the body on the dais, my tears streaking my face as I try to control the deeper emotions raging within. I am early, so that I may grieve in private, before the others come to bid him farewell. Oh, it hurts so much. I feel like my heart has been torn from my body, and in so many ways, it has. I?m alone, more alone then I have ever been. He?s always been with me, except in the very shadowed beginnings of my memory. I don?t know what to do now, without him. Why did this have to happen to us?! I want to scream, but I don?t dare. Some secrets are better left in the grave, and I shall not have his reputation tarnished for such a dear emotion. He was my friend, my brother, my Master, and my Lover. He looks so peaceful there; unlike he had those last few moments of his life. His arms are folded on his chest, his lightsaber at his side, his wings tucked neatly under him. He looks asleep, but it is a sleep from which I cannot awaken him.

    He taught me that the Force was fair; yet now I look upon its fairness and curse it at times, yet thank it in the same breath. The Force gave him to me, and the Force took him from me. Perhaps that is how it should be. But he was so young, he wasn?t meant to die. We were to be together as soon as I was knighted, we were supposed to be together, to leave the Order, to finally be allowed to live. All that has been taken and scattered to the wind, all because of one ill twist in the fabric of time.

    I kneel beside the dais, and take his hand in mine. It looks so soft, so pale, so gentle, the hand of my lover, the hand of my teacher, just like it did while he was alive, and yet not, for now it is so cold.

    Oh, Master, oh my beloved Shane, what am I to do now? They have decided to give me up to another Master, and I have no want for one. If only I had the strength enough to leave, by one means or the other, but I do not. Yet I may not live long enough to worry about it, my heart, what is left, dies more and more with every passing day.

    Perhaps this is the Force?s punishment to us, you to die in agony, and me to die silently. Perhaps it has finally decided to pay us for what we have done. Even if that is so, I do not regret what we have done, I do not regret our love. Forbidden it may have been, but it was our love, and neither the Force nor the Council could ever prove to me that it was wrong.

    You always were stubborn, your voice echoes in my mind, and for a moment I can see your delicate lips move up into a teasing smile, your eyes shimmering with humor, and my resolve breaks more.

    I wish I could cry like I should, but I cannot betray us, even to the death. There is no emotion, only serenity, as I have been taught. But I no longer believe it.

    It seems so cruel that I should suffer such a pain when I am not more then eighteen standard years old. But is it not cruel that you died just a breath into your twenty sixth year? Perhaps we were the two souls chosen to suffer, yet I would not give the five sweet years I had with you up for anything, especially not the last two. I can still remember your wild kisses, your gentle words, and your tough lessons. You were my world, and I will always remember everything you ever said, you ever did, how can I not?

    I, Jelena Shiri, still pledge my life to you, Shane Callister, even in death, and far after, come what will. I shall always hold to that promise.
  2. SHADOW13 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 20, 2003
    star 1
    That's lovely. I feel so sorry for her
  3. Neon Star Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 30, 2000
    star 5
    SHADOW13: Thank you for your comments. :)

    Yes, this poor thing hasn't been seen in a year and a half or so. I admit, I lost the plot to it, and I had abandoned it for a long time. But since Qui decided to enter the picture, I've finally decided to start it up again, with a bit of a new angle. Hopefully its enjoyable. :)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    You have to understand what we are, or you may think I was too young to love him. Our kind is so different from others, especially humans. Our home world has been torn in war for over ten thousand years, and our kind live for such a short time due to war that it is natural for the young to fall in love. It is now ingrained into us from the time we are very young, before we even learn to speak. Love, live a short while, die, that was how it was. Yet when the Jedi came, there was hope for a long life, but that lesson would always stay in our bones.

    I remember so little of my home, except blood, death, and fear. I used to have nightmares of my parents dying when I was younger, but even those have faded over time. But most of my memories are filled with glances of Shane, for it was Shane who had found me in an abandoned building, and brought me to the Jedi. I have always loved him, though my love has changed over time. When I was young, it was the love of a little sister to a strong and wise big brother, then the love of a sibling to a sibling, no longer as devote, then to a crush on him, to our realized love, and finally the our soulful love, and our promise to marry after I became a Knight. But those dreams have been ripped away, and my heart grieves.

    Where should I start? I?m not really so sure, and I have little time before the other mourners arrive. So much has happened in our lives together, so much has passed between us.

    The beginning would not be the place to start, for all in the beginning was of pain, death, and my angel coming to save me from it. My early years were only glimpses of him, for he was often away on missions with his Master. But when I became a Padawan, then I realized that the boy I had a slight crush upon, was then a man, and that I loved him far more then just a crush. So perhaps it is best to begin at my apprenticeship.

    I remember the day as if it were yesterday. I was a stubborn child back then, wild and sharp in tongue. No Master wanted such a Padawan, and thus I was not chosen, until Shane was knighted. He had begged the Council to hold on sending me off, telling them he intended to take me up as his apprentice. They relented, and a little over two months after my thirteenth birthday, Shane came to me, his face shining with suppressed joy.

    Ai? He was so beautiful then, before the disease wasted away his body. Long shining silver hair, since it was against our kind?s religion to cut it; deep, soulful blue eyes, not the hollow and pain filled ones like in his last few days. Smooth, soft pale skin, marked only with the natural blue marks of our kind, not the tight, dry skin of sickness, and the faded, thin lines of pale white instead of blue. He was so full of life, so very full of it. I wish I could see that light in him again?

    ?Jelena??

    I don?t turn, I don?t need to. I know who it is, and I don?t care. He can?t do anything to fix this, Force blessed or not, my Master?s friend or not, he can?t give me back Shane. I just want to be left in peace to look over the memories left to me. Yet, I know he won?t go away, he?s not that type of man.

    ?I know you can hear me, Jelena, and I know you are in pain. Don?t shut me out??

    Its too late, I shut everyone out the minute my Master died. There is no remedy for a broken heart. Let me be, Qui-gon, please?.

    ?He wouldn?t want you to do this to yourself. Shane wouldn?t want you to grieve so for him?.?

    I turn, anger boiling up in me. I am tired of everyone saying what he wouldn?t or would want. They didn?t know him like I did; they don?t know what he held within. They didn?t even know he was dying until after he was dead!

    ?Just shut up, Jinn, and leave me in peace. I have th
  4. Jedi_Chani Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 30, 2004
    star 1
    That was extremely touching. Really great work.
  5. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Incredibly impressive. I felt very connected to these OC's.
  6. Neon Star Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 30, 2000
    star 5
    Jedi_Chani: Thank you, I am glad it was so. :)

    VaderLVR64: I am happy for that, and thank you. :D

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    It has ended, and I have survived, with my sanity still intact, to some extent. I watched as the fires burned through your robes, into your flesh, turning to ash all that they touched. I watched as your wings became wisps of smoke, and your hair dissolve. My tears fell then, yet not now. Now, I am completely dry of tears, and my soul echoes hollowly. Spent beyond my very nature, I can only stand here, staring at your pyre, now dark, and turning cold.

    Everyone else has left, except myself, and Qui-gon. But his presence is at the edges of my mind, while your memories are at the front. I may be drained of all true emotion, but your memories still surround me, prodding at my still heart, possibly willing it to beat again. Yet, it died with you, and nothing but you can make it beat again.

    On numb legs I approach, and kneel before the pyre. All that remains are ashes and the blackened handle of your lightsaber, so useful in life to you, so useless in death. It protected you from everything except the one thing that killed you. Does that make it so worthless then? Does that make our training worthless, if it cannot save us from death?

    Jedi are mortal too, Je?, we all must accept death eventually. It just means my time is closer then others, that is all.

    You accepted dying so easily, and now this is all the remains? My hands tremble as they touch your ashes, your lighsaber, trying to remember the touch of your flesh, the softness of your wings. Yet, all that is there is dry ashes and dust, only the slightest bit warm after the fire. Even your lightsaber is cooling, and I tenderly pick it up, staring at it in morbid fascination. This is all that is left of you?

    My fingers ghost over the burned casing, and hit upon the activation button. A sound comes from it, soft, a near clicking sound, then a hiss. I nearly drop it as your vibrant blue blade springs to life, despite the fact that it should been destroyed with the rest of you.

    ?Jelena, turn it off,? Qui-gon?s soft voice implores me as he comes to my side.

    I don?t pay attention; my full focus is upon that blade, and my memories.

    ?Lena!? he suddenly yells, knocking the blade from my hands.

    It hits the floor, and shuts off. I stare at my hands, at the ash smeared and burn covered flesh. I hadn?t noticed that the handle had been sparking; yet, it must have, to cause such?.

    ?Lena, lets get you home, alright?? he mummers softly, his warm hands folding over mine, hiding the minor injuries.

    ?But, I?? I don?t want to stay there, but I don?t want to tell him that. Its too lonely there, too empty, just like my heart.

    He understands, just like he has always understood, ?It would probably be better if you stay with me for a few days.?

    ?I don?t want to be a burden?? I try to say it in the most forceful manner I can, yet I still sound weak, and I hate it.

    ?You won?t be. It?ll be nice having someone around, the place gets a little lonely since the Council gave me a too large living quarters,? he tries to make a small joke of it, yet I can?t bring myself to smile, though I nod.

    Its true, they did give him far too large of a place to live. Its like they expected him to be like you and take up an apprentice right after being knighted. But he isn?t you; he was just your best friend?

    ?Padawan, I want you to meet Qui-gon Jinn, an old friend of mine. Qui-gon, this is my Padawan, Jelena Shiri,? your smile was radiant as you stepped aside, allowing us to see each other fully.

    I stared up at him, a little intimidated at his height, even though he had a kind look about him, yet he wasn?t like you. He was broader, taller, and unfamiliar, yet there was something in him that I instantly trusted. Maybe because you did.

    He smiled, and knelt to my height. His eyes reminded me of a clear midnight sky, they even sparkled as if he contained stars within. His face was good-natured, and gentle, though there were s
  7. Neon Star Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 30, 2000
    star 5
    Qui-gon grabbed me, gently yet tight, trying to pull me towards the ship. I struggled, reaching back towards you. I couldn?t, wouldn?t leave you. Not like that, not to that kind of death.

    ?Master!? I called out, desperate to get back to your side.

    You knelt in the dust, your blood running from your eyes, your ears, your lips, pooling under you like water from a fountain. Water that was thick, and red? The effects of the disease, gruesome, cruel parts of it, while inside, I knew your organs were failing one by one? And our enemy was at your back, ready to come down upon you in a few minutes, and finish the job just a little faster then your illness would.

    Your eyes never left mine, as your hands clutched the ground under you, trying to stay upright, even to the end. You wouldn?t allow yourself to die lying on the ground. That was a coward?s way, a weak person?s way, not your way. And I didn?t want you to die alone, despite your wishes.

    I broke from Qui-gon?s hold, just as an explosion rocked the ground behind us. Struggling to keep my feet, I glanced behind us, noting that our ship had been destroyed, and all was left was a broken wreckage. The barest bit of fear and joy ran through me at once, combating forces, my natural instinct to live, and my wish to die at your side. Neither mattered at the moment though, for all I could do was run to you, back into your arms, throwing my own around your shoulders.

    You raised your arms to clutch me tight, your fear for me washing over our bond like a tidal wave, ?Je?, you need to find a way out of here?? you whispered.

    ?No. My place is here, with you, at your side, as your Padawan,? I looked into your eyes, ?And as your love. Forgive me??

    ?Je??? I kissed you, cutting off any words you could have said.

    Your arms were growing cold around my waist, and your skin was icy where I could feel it in the tears of your clothes, yet your lips were still warm, so very much so, so very alive. I pulled away first, and just held on to you, glancing back to see that Qui-gon wasn?t facing us, but instead, was looking for another ship. He must have found one, for he turned back to yell towards me, ?Jelena, we have to go!?

    ?Go, please,? you chocked out, and when I met your eyes again, the light was fading swiftly from them, ?Live, my love. Live for us both if you can?t live for just yourself??

    ?Shane?? I didn?t dare leave you now, even if I could see the enemy soldiers approaching swiftly.

    Suddenly, Qui-gon was there, pulling you out of my arms, up into his. He held you close, looking not at me, but at you, ?She won?t leave without you, and even though you want to die a hero, I don?t want to leave you either.?

    The barest smile from you, and I stood as Qui-gon glanced at me, before heading towards another ship, hopefully a safe one. Your life force flickered in my mind, and I knew it wouldn?t be long, yet my heart denied it then. I didn?t want to lose you.

    Yet, I did. We got to the ship, Qui-gon had placed you on a medi bed in the back, before rushing up to the cockpit to get us out of there. I stayed at your side, clutching your hand, watching you fight for every last breath.

    You looked to me only once, a gentle, pale smile on your lips, then you took your last breath, and I lost you, just before the ship rocketed into space. Even while your heart failed, just like everything before it, you had looked to me, and all I could do was look back, while trying to keep a strong face. I didn?t cry until you couldn?t see me, then I let the tears fall.

    There isn?t any more tears, there isn?t anything left. I have spent the whole night reminiscing, because I can?t sleep, just like I haven?t since your death. Nightmares lurk in sleep, and I am tired of seeing your pale, lifeless face, or even worse, your angry, accusing one in my dreams. So here I am, thinking of your death while I watch the sunrise. Rather odd, I don?t want to dream of your death, yet, I can?t stop thinking of it while awake. Wish I could stop thinking altogether, but I know that?s impossible.

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