Discussion in 'Community' started by SLR, May 25, 2004.
Butt Trumpet was awesome
Long, stringy, and burning turds today, accompanied by a symphony of farts.
Good day so far.
Had what looked like solid logs, but when I flushed there was a brown explosion as if the logs were stuffed with firecrackers.
That gives me an excellent idea as to how I should deal with the dog turds in the back yard.
Just don't stand too close
or get somebody else to stand next to it.
I thought you people might appreciate this - I was at my first day of work today, and someone walked in front of me then very loudly and wetly crapped their pants. Wish I was joking.
That is awesome.
you should feel blessed!
Yesterday and today my turds have very light in color...kind of a light beige...the kind of color I would paint a kitchen.
They also sank like stones. Odd.
I once sat next to a guy on the subway who wetly crapped himself...it was stellar.
Did you high five him?
Shoulda but didn'ta.
I've a turtle head licking the back of my knee. Might need to get rid of it.
This morning's dump was magnificent! It was almost orange in color and had the scent of a thousand rotting carcasses in a swamp. It took two flushes to get the toilet to gulp it all down, and I am proud to say that there is a massive skidmark on the back of the bowl waiting to be observed and appreciated by the kids when they get home.
It normally takes a lot to gross me out, but for whatever reason, reading about orange turds while eating mac-n-cheese was damn near gag worthy today.
Saturday afternoon was strange. I went to the movies with family and friends to see Transformers 3. My stomach was rumbling through the film.
We go out for lunch afterward and I cannot wait any longer. Thing is with this place is that music is played over the PA system and is a bit louder in the restroom.
So as I am going to conduct 'business' Dire Straits "Money for Nothing" starts to play. Very strange.
"I Want My MTV....." The song is building up as I am. As soon as the main riff hit my rear end exploded. It was messy and not too cool. (Pizza and beer NEVER come out well.)
This place had REALLY thin paper. I will never hear this song the same way again!
My dump this morning was strange... it had the color and consistency of chunky peanut butter, and it formed a curled pile in the bowl like it was coming out of a soft-serve ice cream machine. This strange poo also burned my anus slightly, and it's difficult to say if it was a peppery chemical in my turds, or if the chunks scraped my anal o-ring.
Sorry Andrew. In reality though, it's probably best to not peruse this thread while eating. That said, this has been a busy few days. I went scuba diving on Thursday, and canoeing and snorkeling yesterday. Lots of time in and on the water, so at the end of the day it's time to eat. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your pov) my water activities always seem to include a lot of beer and marijuana, so when it's chow time we wind up desperately needing greasy burgers or burritos, and they never fail to produce epic toilet art.
Today's dump was darker in color and dense. It was like pooping lead. It stank up the bathroom pretty good, but the most enjoyable part was that intense feeling of relief. Almost, but not as nice as the post-orgasm feeling.
A nice thick mud snake crawled its way out of my rectum over the lunch hour today. I wish I had a scale to weigh myself before and after, because I bet that sucker was at least 2 pounds.
stool has been extremely soft-to-liquid for a full 48 hours now, and has fully torched my anus (this due to several successive meals incorporating red peppers and various hot sauces). it has been a pleasurable experience, but i'm looking forward to my output regaining its usual firmness.
Over the past few weeks I've had what I like to call "evening plops." I've found that I usually take a dump around 7:00pm, and I am often visiting my friend Scott around that time, as we're more than likely returning to his house after an afternoon on the boat. It's been wonderful making a semi-habit of crapping in his unvented bathroom and leaving the door open so he may enjoy the aroma.
Yesterday I entered his bathroom at about 7:30 and found that he had removed the toilet paper in anticipation of my usual gift. I was annoyed, but had to congratulate him for an excellent move. I will now bring toilet paper with me when I go to his house.
I haven't the heart to upperdeck him yet.
A few weeks ago, we brought my 4 year old to see a play "How I Became a Pirate." Anyway, there's part of the play where the other pirates are teasing the captain because he sleeps under the poop deck. My son has been talking about the poop deck ever since.
I took another spicy, anal-searing crap this afternoon. It looked unremarkable, but the smell was absolutely grotesque. It made me think of a semi truck losing its load of raw eggs in a garlic farm on a hot day.
"You don't have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you have to be stupid not to." -- Louis C.K
My poop this morning was mushy, yet very easy to wipe. It was a satisfying experience. It smelled like there was saurkraut in it.