JCC The Fecal Force

http://gizmodo.com/5990499/what-colored-food-does-to-your-poop

 

So...I had to leave work today early because I haven't pooped in 3 days. I went and got some fruits and veggies at Whole Foods during my planning period and then suddenly...extremely painful pressure on the colon. I pretty much ran home and unleashed operation Colon Blow part uno as soon as I walked in. I even had to strip down naked for it from the poop sweats.

Tell me of your stories in which you have had to leave work early, end a date, etc because of the poops.

 

I poop at work like a true man.
My commute home is too long. I don't want the poop sweats while stuck on a crowded train.

 

I just don't have enough breaks throughout the day to poop. I have a solid 3.5 hours in the morning of straight teaching, then lunch, then around 1.5 hours of teaching and then planning. On Wednesday and Friday I have a planning period in the morning but sometimes the colon isn't ready to poop! gah!

A Chorus of Disapproval: Call me Eden

 

How are you able to leave work with that kind of schedule? Do you go to the office and ask them to call a sub in because you've got to take a monster ****?

 

Well...I am very comfortable with my fellow English teachers and I straight up told them what the situation was. Then they were able to scramble together to cover my last two classes today. One of my colleagues has been texting me about how the dump is coming along. To be honest, I spend more of my day with them than with my man ().

 

The only thing that makes me want a smart phone would be to update this thread.

With pictures.

 

How is that a bad thing? I know your man. He's like a giant walking turd.

 

But I like to snuggle him, even though he acts like a turd sometimes.

 

SHUT UP! I had the same thing happen to me!!

 

some blackmailers have threatened to place feces-contaminated cans of red bull in grocery stores in order to punish red bull for some reason. i have never consumed red bull but i would absolutely drink it from a can slathered with fecal matter.

 

So I made chili the other day. I had six hours to do crock-pot chili, but I forgot to soak the beans overnight. I had to do the "quick-prep" method and boil the beans for five minutes, which of course didn't work well and even after six hours in the crock-pot my chili still had somewhat undercooked beans. Not crunchy, but not soft either.

If you love to fart like I do...I mean really love to fart, prepare beans this way. They're not as much fun to eat but the results are worth it.

 

i heard a guy release a nine-second-or-so fart today. it was like a fart sentence - started up high and slowly, slowly went down in pitch. then at the very end, there was a short flourish that made me think of an exclamation point at the end of the sentence. it was quite brilliant. i wish i understood what that fart was saying.

 

Reason # 976 why I totally love my girlfriend: Whenever I Dutch Oven her she usually does it back. One time she put a little too much effort into her rebuttal (I used that word on purpose) and sharted. Amidst her shrieks of horror and the running to the bathroom, there was still laughter.

The ring is almost paid for.

 

do not ever let her go.

 

I shan't. I used that word on purpose too.

 

That seems a tad presumptuous.

 

I don't have any cool poop stories.

 

I was once a member.....long ago.....

 

Poop Calculator!

My Stats:

Number of times you have gone poop in your lifetime:​

18,829​

times​

​

​

Number of poop logs you have produced in your lifetime:​

62,136​

logs​

​

Number of times you have had explosive diarrhea:​

941​

times​

​

​

If we stacked your poop, end to end, it would have reached the top of the Empire State Building:​

5​

times​

​

​

Number of times you have sharted:​

9​

times​

​

​

Number of times you have wiped:​

94,146​

times​

​

​

Amount of toilet paper used:​

1,883​

rolls​

​

​

Number of trees killed by pooping if you don't use recycled paper:​

1.88​

trees​

​

​

​

Number of times you have flushed the toilet:​

19,771​

times​

​

​

​

Amount of water you have used from flushing:​

31,633​

gallons​

​

​

​

Amount of times you have ran out of toilet paper before you finished wiping:​

160​

times​

​

​

​

Amount of times you have farted while pooping:​

33,893​

times​

​

​

​

Amount of times you have clogged the toilet​

103​

times​

​

​

​

Amount of days you have spent pooping:​

105​

days​

​