Saga The Fertilizer Incident -- (OC, pre-ANH)

Title: The Fertilizer Incident
Author: -Z-
Timeframe: ANH
Characters: Thix Barkon, Grant Bowmark, Nalla Vek
Genre: Adventure, Humor
Keywords: Rebels, Pilots, Humor, Action, Adventure
Summary: Rebel 'acquisitions' agents Thix and Grant find themselves on a backwater world during it's most revered celebration while trying to deliver a shipment of stolen cargo to the Alliance.
Notes: This is the fourth stand-alone story that fits together with four others to form a novella describing what is a very, very long day in the life of Thix and Grant. Each story can be read separately, or all five can be read in order.

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"Whyren's Reserve. Make it a double. My buddy here will have a Lomin-ale."

"Shut up, Grant," Thix said, turning toward the bar the pair were sitting at. He had been watching a pair of Bith musicians tuning up for a set in the corner of the upscale cantina. The bartender raised one of his four eyebrows at him. "Oh, right. Make that a Tatooine Sandblaster. Lomin-ale is just fizzyglug that knows somebody."

The bartender wordlessly slid a glass across the bar and Thix scooped it up, draining the contents in a gulp.

Grant shot him a quizzical look.

"Take it easy, pal, that stuff'll strip the lining off your stomach. In fact, I think we used it to burn the rust off an E-web, once."

Thix grimaced, letting the burning sensation fade away before answering.

"I needed that," he said, wiping his mouth.

"Wondering if you did the right thing, eh?"

"No," Thix said. "Well, maybe. I think I did do the right thing, though. Do you?"

"Oh, he asks me," Grant said, turning to the bartender, who was absently polishing a mug. Grant jerked a finger in Thix's direction. "That guy never asks what I think. Now, he throws away a perfectly good Admiral's daughter and suddenly I'm his conscience. What do you think? You think he should have thrown her away like that? Do you?"

The bartender blinked and stepped away slowly.

"Grant, you've frightened the help," Thix said.

The older pilot shrugged slightly and tipped back his tumbler of whiskey.

"Well? You've dodged my question," Thix prodded.

"Alright, alright. No. I don't think you did the right thing," said Grant.

"Why?"

"Because Lyssa could have used
some guidance. She could've used a refuge. You didn't have to leave her on that backwater planet."

"Yes, I did," Thix said.

"Okay, I'll use your own frustrating response as my own: why?"

Thix blinked.

"Because half the Imperial fleet was following us, that's why."

"Half the Imperial fleet is always following us, Thix. That's why we get the big money," Grant said, finishing his whiskey. He twirled the glass in the air. "Ahh. Oh, bartender! A refill on the elixir of life, please!"

Thix propped his head up on his palm and sighed. Remembering something, he glanced at the chrono on his wrist.

"Shouldn't those maintenance droids have finished refueling by now?" he asked.

"Probably, but we're not leaving until I'm done with my own refueling," Grant said, accepting a refilled glass of Whyren's from the bartender.

"What's the burn, barkeep?" Thix asked, fishing out a handful of credit chits from his pocket.

"Ootaka, feechas danusaa," the bartender said.

Thix dropped thirteen credits on the countertop, and received an icy glare in return. He leaned over to Grant to whisper.

"Uh, Grant, can you cover a tip? I've only got enough for the bill."

Grant snorted and pulled a five-cred chip out, tossed it on the pile.

"Uchuta." The bartender scooped up the credits and dropped them behind the bar.

After the alien had moved away, Thix spoke up again.

"I don't think he likes us very much, Grant."

"Actually, his species doesn't like humans at all. We smell bad to them. Also, in their culture it's customary to always pay more than asked for up-front--it shows you've got faith in the merchant you're buying from. It even works both ways--the merchants undercharge you so you end up spending the same amount. It had something

 

Here's the second half.

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The Fertilizer Incident (Final Half)
Pre-ANH

-----

Three hours later, the sun had just begun to fall and the heat of midafternoon was palpable even indoors. The temperature was high enough to get tempers flaring--but the stasis fields inside the local police barrack were roomy enough to sit in. That was the one thing keeping Thix from throttling Grant to death.

Thix sat gloomily, arms crossed, on one side of the stasis cell and Grant lounged on the opposite side, head propped up on one arm.

"C'mon, pal, it was worth it--" Grant started.

"You just had to get involved in something, didn't you?" Thix interrupted.

"It was for a good cau--"

"That girl was NOT getting mugged!" Thix said, interrupting once more.

"She was getting harrassed," Grant said, shrugging slightly.

"You didn't have to stun half the crowd!" Thix said.

"I thought they were all in on it," said Grant.

"Even the old lady?"

"She looked suspicious."

"Uh-huh. Alright, we've been here an hour, they've probably let their guard down. Maybe we should get out of here now and--"

The door to the cellblock slid open and a pair of armed guards marched in, escorting a new prisoner. One of the officers nodded to the block sergeant and gestured at the prisoner.

"Booking prisoner 119. Drunk and disorderly."

"Toss him in with the others," said the sergeant, making a note in his datapad.

The stasis field abated and the officers shoved the new inmate in with Thix and Grant. He stumbled and fell to his knees, and behind him the stasis field rippled on again. Shaking his head, the prisoner rose to his feet.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid me," he mumbled.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Thix said, pushing himself up. "Nalla Vek? The cargo-runner from the spaceport?"

The Twi'lek looked over, rubbing his head. "Oh, it's you! So much for good luck and fast runs, eh?"

"What happened?" Grant asked, rising as well.

"Had a little too much ale at the city forum festival. Everything gets a little blurry. I think I was dancing with someone. Or something. Then I'm getting arrested."

"Sounds like Grant's story," Thix said, throwing an accusatory stare at his partner.

"That's not true," Grant said. "I remember every bit of what I did."

"I'll never get my cargo delivered on time now," Nalla Vek said, furrowing his brow. "I'm going to lose a lot of contracts over this."

"Hey, pal, no need to worry. We can bust out of here any time we want to. In fact, we were just about to do that before they tossed you in here with us," Grant said.

"What?" asked the Twi'lek, incredulous.

"We plan ahead. We get arrested a lot," Thix said, pointing at Grant.

"Sometimes it's his fault," Grant said, pointing at Thix.

"Wait, wait," said the Twi'lek. The pair's banter was setting his head to spinning again. "How can you just break free of a stasis cell?"

"With the right hardware you can do pretty much anything," Grant said, trying to sound wise.

"How could you have gotten it in? They searched me!" said Nalla.

"In pieces. In otherwise innocuous objects," explained Thix. He cast a glance over his shoulder. The block sergeant was doing paperwork and ignoring his inmates. Thix turned back to Nalla and Grant before unclipping a small lapel pin from the front of his banthahide jacket. He popped open the back and pulled out a tiny circuit board.

Grant, meanwhile, was struggling with the heel on one of his boots, pulling and twisting at it. Finally, it popped free, and he dislodged a metal casing from the hollow hidden inside. He tossed the casing to Thix.

Thix snapped the circuit board into the casing and activated the little device, speaking softly.

"This is a field spike generator. You can get them on the black market, but they sell for a small fortune. It's best to have other contacts," he said, waving the device slowly up and down the stasis field cell. "I get a calibration reading like so, then it sets itself to deliver a pulse of energy to the containment fi

 

LOL! It's hard being an innocent bystander in GFFA, isn't it?

 

This was adorable. Loved the whole image of dumping fertilizer on the town and especially the mayor. Serves him right!

These two are really funny. Hope to see more of them!

Good job.

 

Well THAT'S an escape I've never seen before in SW fic, unless you count Han Solo dumping a load of fertilizer on a grounded fighter in Han Solo and the Lost Legacy. With the trail of mayhem these two leave, maybe they were less conspicuous hauling an Imperial Admiral's daughter around .

 

Mistress_Renata: Innocent bystander? No such thing! BTW, what's GFFA?

dianethx: I finished the series today. I'll be puttin' em up every day or so, to give what few people that read them time to do so There's 3 more chapters that need to go up--one more "Incident" as well as a beginning and ending segment.

Alion: Han Solo used fertilizer once? And here I thought I had a corner on the market...oh, well, at least I'm in good company.

EDIT: These stories have ended up getting posted out of order (I've been editing them and finishing them pretty much at random; we've started in the middle)-- so for reference's sake here's the titles and order that all five segments will go together:

Rise And Shine
The Little Lost Bantha Cub Incident
The Admiral's Daughter Incident
The Fertilizer Incident
Just Let Me Work My Magic

 

Well, Han just rolled a borrowed hauler over his boss's acrobatic fighter and dumped the cargo right into the cockpit. I don't think he ever saturation-bombed and entire city with bantha poodoo. Those two might just get away with a return trip if they're carrying soap ...

 

"Innocent bystander" comes from a different universe, one as entertaining in it's own way as Star Wars. I'll leave it to others to elucidate further.

By the way - I'm liking Thix and Grant more and more. They're starting to remind me of Bob Hope and Bing Crosby in their infamous "Road" movies.

 

HAH! That was great! I love the banter between Thix and Grant.

"You didn't have to stun half the crowd!" Thix said.

"I thought they were all in on it," said Grant.

"Even the old lady?"

"She looked suspicious."

Too funny! And good idea to carry around a field spike generator if you know you have a tendency to get into these situations. I see it came in handy twice, too, once to get them out of jail, and once to convince the Twi'lek to dump his cargo.

The best part was the merchant about to complain to the weather bureau, of all places!

I love the way Grant and Thix are always blaming each other for whatever happens, but also believe that the Force chucks them around.

Yes, they should definitely come back with a load of soap! LOL!

 

Ha ha. This was a great read. I usually don't read OC stories, but I'm glad I clicked on the link to this one.

The best part about the vignette is how the personalities and histories of the characters come out in the dialogue. There's too many good lines for me to post all the ones that enjoyed, but one part I particularly liked was...

"Had a little too much ale at the city forum festival. Everything gets a little blurry. I think I was dancing with someone. Or something. Then I'm getting arrested."

"Sounds like Grant's story," Thix said, throwing an accusatory stare at his partner.

"That's not true," Grant said. "I remember every bit of what I did."



Very original and refreshing work! Keep it up.

~*Senoj*~