Saga - ST The First Order of Empire Business (Updated 6/6/2016)

Author: RX_Sith
Characters: All of the Characters from TFA.
Timeframe: During and after TFA
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama
Summary: The many miscues and miscalculations of the First Order as it tries to run a variety of businesses and its very own sitcoms during their rule of the galaxy far, far, away.

Chapter One: Binks Links, the Hux Tux, and the show The McGuffins

Announcer: Come one, come all to the Binks Links located on the lovely planet of Naboo. Please one hole, two holes, nine holes, eighteen holes, even one hundred and eighty holes. That's right play from dawn to dusk and then dawn to dusk again and again and again...

We see Gungans hopelessly trying to hit a ball around some rather muddy looking golf holes. They obviously fail very miserably at it...

"Meesa muy bombad at this gamez," a Gungan states as it tongue slobbers around.

"Meesa nada assa wellz," another Gungan chimes in, "Oh wellz, whatsa elsa weez gonnas dookus?"

In small print: Disclaimer: Not responsible for the personal harm that may occur playing the Binks Links and the torturing and ribbing that you will get from your friends and associates when they hear that you played at the Binks Links. No Gungans were harmed during this commercial (but of course before and after this commercial).

This message was paid for by the Gungan Style, the Rap Group of Gungan's with their one (and only, unfortunately) megahit, "Gungan Style" .

***

Fade out to the next commercial, which is...

Announcer: Want to impress that special someone. Well, now you can dress up in style in the new Hux Tux. That's right, you'll be the envy of everyone in a galaxy, far, far away. The Hux Tux comes in four different colors: Imperial Gray, Imperial Red, Moff Black, and stylish Grand Admiral White.

The price for the Hux Tux is the incredibly low price of 199999999999999 and if you order know, you can buy the second one for double the price! What an incredible deal. So, order your Hux Tux now.

***
We now return you to your regular programming, already in progress...

Previously on The McGuffins....

"I am Luke McGuffin and this is Rey McGuffin," Luke starts out, "Just because we have the same last name does not mean that we are in any way, shape, or form related. There are zillions upon zillions of McGuffins out there. Really, look them up.
"Thanks da.... dat's amazing," Rey interjects, "I miss my family. Have you seen my family?"

She shows a picture of a cloaked figure on an island.

"Do you know this person?" she asks, "He could be my father, or someone who left me on Jakku, or even my great, great best of the best friend in the whole galaxy. I'm would sure like to know which one it is. Wouldn't you?"

***

We now cut to the theme music by the group N5, singing "Ahch-To, Baby". More to follow on the continuing and non-stopping episode of The McGuffins.

***

To Be Continued...

 

The McGuffins!

I really loved Hux Tux and all its glorious imperial colors! I'd take a Hux Tux if they were a little cheaper.

Really funny and creative!
I hope to see more of these!

 

Just... all of it. Ahch-To, Baby? Seriously?

I'm going to laugh a bit more now (and look up some Gungan Style videos on YouTube).

 

The The Hux Tux comes in three different colors: Imperial Gray, Imperial Red, and Moff Black was the best of that, but really, it was all good.

 

mavjade

More wackiness coming up.

Chyntuck



Sith-I-5

Thanks, more oddness ensues.

***

Chapter Two: The Ren's Den and more of the McGuffins

The Ren's Den

Announcer:

Thinking of relaxing in the cold and calculating realm with the Knights of Ren. Well, now you can. The Ren's Den is your one-stop destination for terror, for drama, for soul-searching power trips. You name it, they'll dish it out. Literally. The Ren's Den specializes in wannabe Dark Side users; or those that would at least like to try their hand at the powers of the Dark Side. Your room is pitch black for your safety with a red lava lamp for its exquisite decorative soothing qualities. NOT!

So, come one, come all, to the Ren's Den and experience the Dark Side like no other place in the galaxy. Book now and you'll get one life and a possible afterlife with the non-refundable deposit of only 1999999999.

The McGuffins

"Swing harder and quicker," Luke McGuffin instructs Rey McGuffin, "It shouldn't be that hard for the next chosen one..." mutters under his breath '(man I wish I was a chosen one, but noooooooooo, I am just a stupid McGuffin)'.

"You're right, Master Luke," Rey commands The Force with such ease that she lifts the old and wise McGuffin from the ground, and of course looses concentration and he drops hard to the ground.

"OWWWWWWWW! That hurt," Luke almost loses his patience with the petulant chosen one of a Jedi, "I think we should stop for today."

"No, we always stop just when things are getting interesting," Rey moans, "Why don't you buck up and train me, you goofy nerfherder."

"What did you call me?" Luke force throws Rey up against a tree knocking her unconscious, "Ha! Pawned!"

***

To Be Continued...

 

"...and its very own sitcoms..."
You had me at that, LOL.

 

Okay, I officially love this TV show as much as its commercials. I think you may have found a theme for the post-sequel trilogy there

 

One Quarter Portion

You had me at one quarter portion.

Chyntuck

Both are great. Will continue to have more commercials and even more sitcoms coming up next.

***

Chapter Three: Snoke's on an AT-AT and the newest drama series on Home First Order (HFO); Game of Death Stars.

Snoke's on an AT-AT.

Announcer: Has this ever happened to you? You have your orders and are laying waste to multiple Rebel targets in your AT-AT when all of a sudden, some goofy Jedi or other Rebel scum throws a bunch of Snoke dolls into your AT-AT, thus causing it to tumble over to the ground due to you losing control from all the freaking mother@$#%%$@^^!! Snoke's on an AT-AT. Well, now you can buy the newest gadget in the galaxy to get rid of all the Snoke's on an AT-AT. Even Rebels can order! It's the Snoke Alarm. It won't wake you up (well, then again it might) but it will alarm you when the presence of Snoke's are near (even the real one).

So, call 1-800-SNOKE-EM now and for the introductory price of just one measly credit, you can get your Snoke Alarm (Installation charge extra). Order now, operators and Snoke's are standing by.

***

Game of Death Stars (GoDS)

Kylo Ren, as he wanted to be called now, was a brat, or a Solo use to be, if you will. He longed for adventure and excitement instead of being with his nerfherder father and mother. Plus, he wanted to go to the Maw and break his father's record of doing the Kessel Run in less then 12 parsecs.

But no! Instead, his dear old mother sent him away to his uncle to be trained in the ways of the Force (whatever that was). So, as he journey to the place he would call Torture, he wondered how long he would have to suffer at the hands of his uncle, Luke McGuffin, before he could go off towards more exciting things instead.

"Listen, Ben," Luke started...

"It's Kylo Ren!" Kylo interjected forcefully, "I hate that name. Ben Solo is dead. You will be as well if you ever repeat that nerfherder of a name again.

"Listen, Ben," Luke continued anyway despite Kylo's warning as he glared at him incessantly, "You will do as I say. This isn't a democracy you know."

"No, it might as well be the Empire," Kylo fumed, "The way that you treat me here. You don't even have me train with the other Jedi-wannabes."

"That's because you are better than them, "Luke lied openly to him while cracking a goofy smile.

"No, it's because I want to imitate my grandfather," Kylo moaned and groaned, "And you won't let me."

"Why should I let you worship a dead guy," Luke openly wondered, "That's just weird."

"No, it's not!" Kylo raised his voice again, "It's my destiny!"

"Whatever..." Luke laughed under his breath, "Go away for all I care and don't come back,"

"You'll regret this, you ingrate!" Kylo's eyes turned red with rage, "I'll come back and destroy you and your pitiful band of bantha fodder."

"Ha-ha," Luke openly laughed, "That's funny. Now go so that I can tell you mother and father what a failure you are."

Kylo stormed off and got into a fancy shuttle, "I will return and when I do I will have the power to stop laser blasts!"

"Ha-ha," Luke laughed some more, "Stop laser blasts. In your dreams."

***

To Be Continued...

 

SNOKE ALARMS

 

One Quarter Portion

There are like a million things that can be based on Snoke alone; speaking of which...

***

Part IV: Snoke Day and the McGuffins

Hello everyone on First Order occupied worlds. I have great news to announce to your youngsters or even yourselves if you are attending school at one of our illustrious academies. This coming Force Day everyone will be granted a Snoke Day. That's right. You can sleep in and not go to school thanks to Supreme Leader Snoke's glorious announcement that everyone will be from now and henceforth be given each Force Day off from school as a Snoke Day. I know what you are saying.

"Hey, Force Day only occurs once a year," the Announcer continues, "And you are right, so at least you get to celebrate one day off a year instead of none, so count your good fortune that a Snoke Day is even happening."

***

The McGuffins

"Hey Luke," Rey once again called out his name, "When is my training going to be complete?"

"Training is never over for a Jedi," Luke McGuffin calmly told her, "The minute you stop training, you grow old and decrepit."

"Like you?" Rey smirked with a wicked smile.

"Listen," Luke calmly tried to hold in his temper, "I am not decrepit."

"Could have fooled me," Rey teased him some more.

"Just for that I am going to make you do the Messel Run," Luke ordered her, "Now!"

"What's the Messel Run?" Rey openly wondered.

"You've never heard of the Messel Run?" Luke queried her quizzically, "It's only the most famous McGuffin ever incorporated into a Star Wars story."

"Really, I had no idea, "Rey was now more inspired by such a mysterious and suspenseful type of McGuffin,"What do I have to do for the Messel Run?"

"Well, first you have to beat the time set by the Flights of Hen of completing the Messel Run in under two minutes," Luke told her plainly, "If you can do that, then you are indeed the most powerful Jedi ever."

"So, no one has completed this Messel Run in under two minutes besides the Flights of Hen," Rey stated back to him.

"Correct, "Luke responded, "Of course, we will have to go to the planet Messel to do it first."

"Obviously, "Rey stated plainly, "We couldn't do the Messel Run here on Ahch-To, otherwise it would probably be called the Ahch-To Run."

"You got it," Luke told her truthfully.

"So when do we leave for Messel then?" Rey openly wondered.

"After you have completed your training," Luke calmly stated.

"But you said that a Jedi's training is never complete," Rey whined, "How am I going to be able to do the Messel Run if I am constantly training?"

"Exactly," Luke replied with a smirk, "You can't. Sorry to get you all worked up over another goofy McGuffin."

Rey stuck her tongue out at Luke, "You can stick your goofy McGuffin where the sun don't shine."

***

 

RX_Sith - Binks Links & then Snoke Days and then Luke McGuffin...

Totally a riot!

 

I'm not sure what I like best here, the absurd commercials or the McGuffins show. But the Messel Run does kind of take the cake!