Beyond - Legends the first padawan

prologue: one year after rotj
now that the empire is on its knees luke figures its a perfect time train another jedi. but will the empire allow it?
luke struggles to train another jedi as well as fight as a rebel in the new replublic

location:tatooine

Luke watched the boy as he packed his bags so that he could come with luke to be a jedi. dwayn searched his room for what little belongings he had. Luke had come to tatooine with a rebel starship trying to make a peace treaty with gorba the hut, jabbas brother. Gorba did not agree once he saw luke and leia. After that luke went to visit his old house, but then he felt a call in the force. He followed it to dwayns house and now dwayne was coming with him to become a jedi.

Dwayn turned to his mom "i'll miss you" he said with tears in his eyes. she kneeled down to his level and said "don't weary, i'll always be with you." Luke waited a small ways away from the house. dwayn walked slowly towards luke. they both got in lukes land speeder and they drove away. dwayn had his head turned and he was watching his mom disapear in the darkness.

later that day the rebellion were ready for take off. dwayn was sitting in his chamber. Then luke walked and gave him his light saber. "i made it myself" luke said. Dwayne held the light saber in his hands. It felt smooth in his hands. He clicked the red button and a long orange beam of energy sprange out.

just then the whole ship shook. Dwayn fell back and luke stood up trying to regain his balance. After that luke ran out of the room to see what happened. Dwayne got up slowly to follow luke. He went to the main deck and heard a woman say that the ignition generator was sabotaged. Dwayn and luke went outside to look at the damage. They would have to stay over night. As they walked back to the ship there was a note pinned to the door with a shiv sword it said:

you will pay for what you did to my brother; i have got the boys mother.


so what do you think should i keep writing?

 

I think that's an interesting start. Please continue but don't write it for me, write it for you.

Since you're new here I'd like to make a few suggestions. Pretty much everybody here is a writer so they notice and care about things like capitilization and spelling and punctuation. I noticed you had some capitilization and punctuation problems in what you posted. They could be (not neccessarily will be, but could be) a turn off that keeps people away from your story. So this:

Dwayn turned to his mom "i'll miss you" he said with tears in his eyes. she kneeled down to his level and said "don't weary, i'll always be with you."

Should be more like this:

Dwayn turned to his mom. "I'll miss you," he said, with tears in his eyes.

She kneeled down to his level and said, "Don't worry, I'll always be with you."[/i]

A beta reader will help you with those kinds of things. Here is a link to the Beta Reader Index v2.0. You should be able to come up with one if you like.

And you might think about being adopted. Your adoptor will show you around, generally help you out with any questions you have. You can get someone to adopt you in the Adopt a Newbie thread.

Good luck, keep writing.

lordmaul13

 

heres the next edition:



Dwayn looked at the note with horror. Luke walked towards him already half guessing what happened. The note was signed gorba the hut. The gaurds took the note to be placed under analysis, but nothing could be found.

Luke searched the ship for dwayn. Finaly he found him in the cargo center. "i can save her." he said. "i have already meditated on this. If you goe, you will be killed. They want you to come."said luke. "i cant let her die. Why do they want my mom any ways, we've never had any confrontations with that crime lord." "they are trying to get me to come, i helped kill his brother jabba the hut."

Dwayn pondered on this a long time. Soon it was late and dwayn couldn't stop thinking about his mom. Finaly dwayn went to his room grabbed his cloak, a blaster and his light saber. He stole a small speeder bike from the ship and road towards gorbas palace. the large palace seemed shut down.

Dwayn walked in to the palace. He walked down a long hall and passed two sleeping gaurds. Dwayn took out the small blaster he stole from the ship. slowly he walked forward. A man jumped at him from the shadow, dwayn turned and shot him. Three more came from his side, he shot two but the last one cut his gun in half with a shiv sword. Dwayn took out his light saber and slashed him.

Then the whole room lit up. All the gaurds attacked dwayn. Dwayn slid under a huge gaurd and slashed him from behind. Gorba came out of the shadow and said "i want him alive." even though, a few gaurds took out their blasters and shot at dwayn. Dwayn blocked it and it bounced back at them killing them. Then a gaurd behind him put him in cuffs. He turned off the light saber and was thrown in prison-right next to his dead mom.




should i keep on writing? and yes i know i dont havee good punctuation but im lazy.

 

Looks like he should've listened to Luke. Now where is he? Stuck in a cell with mom who he could never have saved anyway because she was already dead.

should i keep on writing?

Do you want to? Do you feel like you have a story inside you that has to be told? Or maybe doesn't have to be told but you can't help but tell? Only you can answer those questions. Either way I'll still be here waiting for more to read.

and yes i know i dont havee good punctuation but im lazy.

I can understand being lazy because I am lazy too sometimes. That's why you need to take the time and effort to have good grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. Too many mistakes/problems and all of us lazy people will quit reading.

Take this for example:

Luke searched the ship for dwayn. Finaly he found him in the cargo center. "i can save her." he said. "i have already meditated on this. If you goe, you will be killed. They want you to come."said luke. "i cant let her die. Why do they want my mom any ways, we've never had any confrontations with that crime lord." "they are trying to get me to come, i helped kill his brother jabba the hut."

I had a difficult time figuring out who was speaking when. Read it over and see if you see what I mean. Taking the time to fix problems like that will save your readers a headache and maybe save your readers period. I don't mean to be a jerk or anything, I'm just trying to help you out. So I hope you will take what I have said in the spirit it was intended.

lordmaul13

 

Here we go again.


Dwayn looked sadly at what was his mother. Her body looked peacefull. There was a tiny hole on the side of her neck. They must have poisoned her, thought Dwayn filled with hatred. He didn't mind his wounds; the bruises on his neck and back or the blaster shot at his side. Dwayn just sat there, his hatred swelling in him.

The next morning Luke woke with a start. No one was awake yet. Luke looked at the bed where he expected to see his apprentice sleeping. But he wasn't there. Imediately he thought of Gorbas palace. That morning Luke left the ship before any one awoke. Luke took his land speeder and rode towards the palace.

Two gaurds came in to Dwayns chamber and led him into a large room. They chained his hands to the roof and took out a kit of blades. Sharpening the blades the gaurd said "Now lets see if we can have some fun."

The gaurd walked towards Dwayn with the blade out stretched. Just then a green light flashed and both gaurds fell dead. Then Luke cut the chain and gave Dwayn his cloak and light saber. Together they snuck out of the chamber. They walked down the halls untill they came to the main chamber where they saw Gorba sitting on his throne sleeping. Gaurds filled the room.

"We'll have to go out the back way" Luke whispered to Dwayn who was staring at Gorba hatred in his eyes. Then Luke turned around and started walking towards the back exit. But then he heard the sound of a light saber behind him. A wave of orange cut Gorbas throat. Then every gaurd turned their guns on Dwayn and shot.

Luke sprang in front of him and blocked all the shots. He grabbed Dwayns arm and started to run. They ran as fast as they could but they couldn't loose the gaurds. A few times they stopped to fight off the gaurds near them. Finally they reached the back exit. But it was sealed shut. Dwayn and Luke turned around and took out their light sabers. The gaurds took no mercy.

Then the door opened behind them and the rebellion were there. Laser blast was everywhere. Waves of green and orange cut through the gaurds. Finally the gaurds were dead.

"How did you find us," asked Luke. "I felt you call out in the force," replied Leia

Dwayn sat alone in the ship after they left Tatooine. Luke walked in to the room. "Your mom is dead, you can't change that. Its time to move on," said Luke. As Luke walked away Dwayn let go of his hate. He was finally free of it. Luke stopped, he felt his change. This is the start of a better time for the Jedi thought Luke.

 

I like the idea. Luke's first padawan. But had to agree with Darthmaul, it was sometimes difficult to read through because of all the small errors. But keep it up and have fun writing...

lol

 

That was much better. Good job.

You had to know he'd go after Gorba. Do you plan on going any further with this?

lordmaul13

 

The next mission:

The duo Luke and Dwayn were next sent to be body gaurds to Mon Mothma at a meeting with a Imperial represenitive on the now New Republic Cloud City. Dwayn was getting restless and lonely on the large ship. He was only twelve, and the rest of the crew were adults. Dwayn did meet two droids by the name of R2-D2 and C-3PO.

Once the ship landed the crew pepared for the meeting which was to be very soon. After an hour a small shuttle could be seen in the distance. It was obviously Imperial. The represenitive stepped followed by four imperial gaurds and a hooded man. Once the men entered the room the meeting began.

Mon Mothma opened "Welcome to Cloud City. We are here to discuss the problem of your fleet gathering near the planet Corusant."

"We have only good intentions, and needed a spot to regroup that had resources nearby. And I wouldn't call what we have left a fleet," replied the Represenitive.

"I don't have a good feeling about this," Dwayn whispered to Luke. "I can't stop watching that hooded man in the back, I don't know what it is," said Luke.

Then Lukes comlink started "Admiral Ackbar's shuttle has arrived," it said.

Mon Mothma ordered, "Jedi, go get him and bring him here."

As Luke got up the hooded man in the back did also. Dwayn followed Luke out side. There they found Admiral Ackbar. They showed him the the way in side and he walked a ways in front of them. As soon as the Admiral had entered the room the doors started close. Dwayn ran, Luke after him. The doors closed before they got there. The New Republic leaders were trapped.

Then a large group of storm troopers ran down the hall towards Luke and Dwayn. They took out their light sabers and stood their ground. The two Jedis slashed through the storm troopers. As Dwayn jumped through the air he could feel Luke fighting next to him. After they were dead the two looked outside the window. They saw three Imperial shuttles all caring storm troopers. There were AT-ST's everywhere. The gaurds were already dead, the leaders captured and worst of all there was a dark Jedi with the storm troopers!

 

Isn't it just like the Empire to do a double cross? I'll bet that fleet of theirs isn't just there because they needed a spot to regroup either.

lordmaul13

 

No, lordmaul, you're entierly wrong, that fleet, it's there for, uh, um, general cleaning, and you see, it's kinda like, oops, the shot went of all by itself.

Good perspective of Dwayn and about how he's the only "kid" on board the ship.

lol

Calandria

 

A little after thought:

Shouldn't Luke have sensed that something is somehow wrong? Being a Jedi and all? Maybe that hooded guy blocked him? I don't know. It just suddenly struck me.

(But still like it!)

lol

Calandria

(oh, and it's guards, not gaurds... )