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Discussion in 'Role Playing Resource' started by Imperial_Hammer, Oct 22, 2009.
And remember, beneath Kyle Katarn's beard there is only ... another beard.
Ok I didn't expect to be showcased so soon but here it goes.
The Book of Shadows Vol. 1 - Town of Secrets
The year is 1925. The location is a medium size town called Middleton, which is about to celebrate it?s three hundredth anniversary. This town has much to celebrate. It has grown from a small farming and mining village now thriving with a new railroad station along with fishing, mining and agricultural. Middleton is the ideal town of the future. Even though it has grown, Middleton still has that small town feel. Neighbors have known each other for years. There is nothing that goes on in this town that isn?t known or so they thought.
On the outside Middleton is the perfect town, but what goes on from the inside just may be revealed. What outsiders don?t know is that Middleton has it?s secrets that are destined to get out. It is only a matter of time until things get unraveled and people?s fears have substance. Some secrets are so dark that can destroy this perfect image leaving nothing, but destruction and despair.
Welcome to Middleton. A mid-western town that is charming and inviting. Where prohibition reigns, but you can still find a place to drink if you know where to go. Crime is on the rise due to the illegal sales and manufacturing of alcohol. Middleton tries to keep with the small town traditions even though there is a growing cynicism to the the growth that has been steadily rising in the town.
Here you will portray the citizens of this great fictional town. All characters should have a foundation within the town. Keeping the history and family lineage intact. Everyone has a secret. What yours is will be PM?d to me along with the character sheet. Once approved you will post the CS withholding the secrets. So that only the GM and you will know.
Families class status are no different than other places. You have your rich upper class, your solid middle class , and your proud lower class. There are many occupations that be played from the mayor, banker, store owner, miner, fisherman, and so on. As long as it fits within the era of 1925.
1. GM word is law
2. All CS?s must be PM?d to GM for approval
3. Obey the Terms of Service and any general board rule you are aware of
4. Reminder all secrets should not be posted in thread
5. Keep all OOC to a minimum
6. Have fun!
Family lineage :(Family name, what industry were they apart of, how long in town etc.)
Do not post in thread - PM to GM only
Secret(s): (Everyone has a secret maybe even more than one)
Well i was looking for critiques. This RPG is a dark fantasy, supernatural rpg. I set it in the past to make it more interesting. I intentionally made the opening post a little vague but still wanted to get across the danger of keeping secrets. Hope it's not too vague, i would like some comments on it.
Could use more atmosphere. What's the town's population? Its history? Who founded it? What style of architecture is common? Who's important to know, who's in charge? Give us something to hint at the kind of secrets they're keeping. Are we talking about a few covered up murders, or is Cthulhu sleeping in the well in the back yard? If everyone has a secret, what's the motive to uncovering someone else's? I could understand an excess of curiosity if the players are just passing through, but what's kicking off the plot to make the locals twitchy?
So I did leave it too vague. Thank you LI for that critique.
Ack, I'm about to run out the door for paintballing and I just saw this I'll throw in my critiques Tee when I get back as it looks like our normal critiquers are still on vacation
EDIT: Okay, now for my critiques.
As has been said, the big thing really is that more information would be nice. About the town, it's history, it's people, things like that. And again, same with the secrets: what kind of secrets are there? At first it sounded like there's some real and possibly deadly secrets out there but at the second part it seems that the only real "secrets" are just the ones that involve prohibition. Illegally manufacturing and distributing alcohol isn't that much of a big secret there
The rest of my critiques are more nitpicky though such as the pictures. The first one isn't really working but what I did see after copying and pasting the link it seemed alright. Now the second pic...might want to change that I mean I'm assuming that's a picture of Disney there but even if it's not I think you need something a bit more fitting as I'm not exactly getting the "1920s midwestern town" feel of it Especially if it is in fact Disney and people who see it will definitely not get the feel if they also recognize it
And this is just a very big nitpick but:
All characters should have a foundation within the town. Keeping the history and family lineage intact.
Should be more like:
All characters should have a foundation within the town: keeping the history and family lineage intact.
Just to show that I've been reading
Thank you Sarge for your critique.
I see, I didn't want to give alot away but in doing so left it bare. I guess I'll just have to rewrite it and add it in.
The first pic is there cause the rpg is gonna be as if it was a book being read. The second one, yeah you guessed it. I couldn't find any good pics out there. So I found the Disney as a base to resemble a perfect town. Guess I'll keep looking.
Alot of input LI mentioned I was going to leave for the opening post. It just shows me that instead of leaving out it's better to put it in for for more insight.
Thank you I appreciate the critiques and will make the adjustments.
To me it feels like the middle part is missing. You know? The part where I find out what the game is about. Secrets, yeah I got that one. But . . . is there a red line or is it like a sandbox where people got secrets (I doubt without another plot element that would work)? It is not that I want a descriptive summary of your plans, just something to wrap my mind around and know what I am joining as a player, you know?
Well, I obviously route for the prose intro. You know, a little text that sets the atmosphere and reveals a bit how it will go down. Not anythingto plot specific. A death, a theft, a mysterious man followed by a young girl. Only to end with her being missing the next day . . . something like that. To "pull me in".
Otherwise I would advise to revise the pictures indeed for a less "photo" and more "arty" look. Check out deviantart and I am sure you´ll find millions of pics for all motives you wanna find . . .
And a song could do a miracle to an OP like this.
Otherwise I am itnerested. And how often am I interested these days? It got me. The setting, the whole idea behind it. It is interesting.
And could it be we got the small town games year? Just asking.
Honestly Tee, I don't have much else to add to what's been said. It is a VERY intriguing concept, and I'd be interested. More info though is not a bad thing. It would help your players know how to make their characters if they knew more about the town and the secrets they should be keeping. This doesn't have to be plot spoilers or anything, but... what does fit in with this world? Right now you have a solid base, but personally the OP itself doesn't grab me. The concept does, certainly, as I said, but it could totally use some more on the town, on the story.... basically reiterating what everyone has said. Mostly I am commenting to say it's a wonderful concept with amazing potential, and to keep at it.
If you need any help fleshing things out as well, just let me know, as I have been very bored recently.
Thanks Lord T and Chuckles for the input. I don't know what I was thinking I was trying to be elusive but left so much out that it failed to do what I was aiming for. Thanks again everyone I do appreciate the comments.
Chuckles I'll shoot you a PM.
Ok so here is a revision of the RPG. Thank you to Chuckles who is like my own personal editor.
The Book of Shadows Vol. 1 - Town of Secrets
Prologue: In the beginning
Two hundred years ago, the quaint town, Middleton, sprang up out of nothing. Founded by three men; Josh Holiday, Rick Sumner, and Roger Boyle, who sought religious freedom from Western Europe, they and their followers, called The Enlightened Ones, sailed months of rough seas before they landed at Middleton harbor, though it was not named such in those days. They found a new, vast land filled with splendid oak woods, and beech trees. The smell of fresh air and new opportunity was about. Here they made their home.
The first ten years were the hardest, for the winters were cold and long. Sickness spread, taking many lives. The doctors had no idea how to maintain the health of their patients. It took a lady named Verruca Wkyes, who used herbs from various local plants, to find a way to heal the sick, even cure those close to death.
After the town recovered, suspicions began to circulate and accusations made against Verruca. ?Witchcraft!? was the cry, and soon her mockery of a trial began. The town was filled with a mad rage as Verruca?s pleas for mercy fell on deaf ears. She was burned alive at the stake. During the fiery inferno of her screams, she cursed them all.
?I SHALL GET MY REVENGE!?
Verruca?s family ran away, never to be seen again. The town returned to normal. Though the winters were still harsh, they handled it far better, for experience was the key to their survival. The years went by without anyone ever mentioning Verruca Wykes or the burning of the witch, an event erased from history and from popular thought.
The year is 1880, Middleton has grown to become a medium sized town, rich with wood cabin style homes, a large church of the Enlightened Ones, beautiful woods that have make-shift roads, and the famous harbor at which the Enlighten Ones landed two hundred years ago. The town has much to celebrate. It has come a long way from a small farming village, now maintaining a flourishing port where goods leave the harbor. The local economy couldn?t be better. Middleton is the ideal town of the future, but even though it has grown, it maintains that small town feel. Neighbors have known each other for years, and there is nothing that goes on in this town that is unknown.
Or so they thought.
On the outside, Middleton is the perfect town, but what goes on from the inside will soon be revealed. What outsiders don?t know is that Middleton has its secrets. It is only a matter of time until things get unraveled, and people?s fears are given life. Some secrets are so dark that they can destroy all perfection, leaving nothing but destruction and despair.
Some secrets cannot be kept.
Welcome to Middleton, a North Eastern town that is charming and inviting. The transportation comes from horse and buggy, as well as the ships that come to the harbor. Middleton is famous for its sprawling, eerie woods, rumored to be haunted. It has a bustling harbor and town, and Middleton has become quite successful over the years. It tries to keep with the small town traditions, though there is rising cynicism in relation to the growth that has been steadily infecting the town. Not all people are a part of the Church of the Enlighten Ones, creating some distrust among the citizens as well. Over all, though, it is a peaceful town, its horrific past long forgotten.
Here you will portray the citizens of this great, fictional town. All characters should have a foundation within the town, keeping the history and family lineage intact. Family class statuses are no different than other places. You have your rich upper class, your solid middle class, and your proud lower class. Some examples of player types are as follows.
Well, I don't want to wait the two weeks or so... but... I guess patience is a virtue.
1. JEDI_TEEGIRLOO (Dark Fantasy, Thriller RPG)
2. Croesus (a sports-based RPG)
3. Chukles38 (fantasy)
And, I will add quickly to Tee's newest updated game. I like it a LOT better, and not just because I helped her with it a bit. Much more fleshed out. I'll wait and see what anyone else says before going into anything else.
I agree with Chuks, the new OP gives a much better idea of what the game actually is, and the vibe you're going for.
Also - and this is a more technical thing - is the first image not loading for anyone else? You might want to host that on a photobucket account to get around hotlinking blocks.
Modly Stuff: Because I'm here, I might as well take scheduling by the reigns until a more permanent arrangement comes up.
JEDI_TEEGIRLOO (Dark Fantasy, Thriller RPG) - Approximately 24 hours left in discussion
Croesus (a sports-based RPG) - Approximately 8/10/11 - 8/17/11 board time
Chukles38 (fantasy) - Approximately 8/17/11 - 8/24/11
All dates tentative. I'll also be PMing users when they have the go ahead, unless they get there before I do.
As per darthramza, the first image doesn't work. On another technical point, you might want to remove some of the spaces between the lines. It would look much shorter and tidier (and the character section could be much reduced into just a paragraph or two). Might want to decapitalize the revenge part, as I have difficulty not hearing that as spoken by a Saturday morning cartoon villain. Do like that you moved the timeline back: more in line with the witch trials, now. I'd expand the section of the current state of Middleton, myself, and mark characters with authority as being property of the GM. Mayor, the cult boss (I'm assuming it's a cult), law enforcement and the like. If you've got a vision for the game, you probably ought to be able to freely control the important guys. Throw in some lore and atmosphere, festivals and street names and people and events over the past few years or decades, so the players aren't being handed the task of inventing everything from scratch themselves. Maybe separate the Prologue and Present Day sections, and merge the latter with Middleton.
Alright folks, just as an FYI Tee's game has until 9 PM tonight, at which time we defer to Croesus. Discussion may continue on the current OP until the next game idea is posted, so if you've got any comments, now would be a good time to make them.
1. Croesus (a sports-based RPG)
2. Chukles38 (fantasy)
3. Spycoder (drama)
Looking forward to receiving some criticism on my idea.
I book my place on the list and might withdraw or postpne later. Depening how good the idea develops until then.
Thanks for waiting all! Life's been a tad hectic.
The year is 2195. War consumed the planet in 2095. Luckily, Nuclear weapons were used to a minimum and life continued albeit in a heavily different form. The United States was shattered into three separate, though closely linked, countries. The Western States, The Midwestern Alliance, and The Eastern Conglomerate. The rest of the world is similarly fractured or united into different forms, but overall it matters little to this tale. This is a tale of an epic tournament, organized by citizens of all three American countries in celebration of the 100 years since the war ended. The tournament is made up of the most popular American sport, boxing.
Boxing has been around for hundreds of years and after the war it went into a renaissance of sorts. There was no room or equipment for other sports, boxing proved to be the best alternative. As the war ended, boxing was a uniting factor for the factions of fractured America. Now, as the one hundred year anniversary of the wars end approaches, a boxing tournament has been organized. Six of the best cruiserweights (200lbs, 90.7kgs), two from each country, will compete against each other. You will take on the role of one of the fighters. Are you a Floyd Mayweather and born into a legacy of boxing? Training from the beginning of your life? Are you instead a Sonny Liston? A grizzled ex-con who found a better home for his violent nature. Perhaps you fight for money or for fame. Regardless, you will also soon be fighting for the American Centennial Championship. The greatest prize Boxing has seen in hundreds of years.
As by far the largest tournament in history, you will be sure to be set upon by perils at every turn. Gamblers interested in a fix, politicians interested in an angle, boxing promoters set upon gaining your fight in their arena.
(there will be pretty pictures inserted)
Weight: (NOTE: As will be explained below, there are stats in this game. The cruiserweight limit is 200lbs, but as most know, fighters ?cut? weight by sweating off large amounts of water. For every 10lbs over 200lbs, your fighter will receive 2 bonus points, but lose some in Speed and Endurance. The severity of the loss will be decided by dice roll. The worst case scenario your fighter will suffer dehydration and be a shell of himself.
Nationality: one of the three
STATS: (will start out with 50 or so points)
The tournament will be explained later but here's how the fights work. Each player will fill out his stat sheet, as the players are matched up I'll analyze the stats and see which comes up better statistically. Then the players submit a ?match plan? to tell me how what they're game plan for the fight is. Then I'll decide which fighter wins based on who has the best stats for the type of fight it will be and which had the best gameplan.
My questions for GDG:
How to fit a bigger overall story arc? The tournament is fun but would players want a more...impressive goal? Like something more world altering? The biggest things I can think of at the moment are fixed fights and drugging fighters...
Overall Thoughts on the game? Where can I improve?
Should I include male AND female boxers? Given that it's the future and all? In interest in size I think 6 players is fairly wishful thinking, I don't think I could have a male and female tournament and have enough players.
EDIT: An idea I also had was the idea of "guest stars". It seems to me there are some really good RP'ers here who are respected and enjoy it but don't have time for a full-on game. My idea was at each city or location or plot point, I could have a "guest star" of an experienced role-player to play someone of that city, location or plot point. What do you all think of that? Sorta like, as an example, SaintHeart "guest stars" as an unscrupulous Kansas City promoter who wants some of the fighters to take a
To be blunt, it needs prettying up - you say it'll have pictures, okay - show them to us! Formatting helps greatly, too; bolding a few things, inserting a few breaks and underlines to organize the post and such will go a very long way.
As per the game proper, how does the stat system work? What you have now seems a lot more involved than it needs to be, in my opinion - keep the stats simple, and a lot lower than fifty points (which seems an arbitrary number) total, and explain more of the system. The players are already putting in the time to write an interesting post for you; asking them to PM you a "game plan" every fight seems odd and redundant, especially as it boils down to your opinion of what constitutes a better gameplan. The system there needs work, in my opinion.
I can't comment at this time on the plot and story arc aspects - I can't think of any other goals other than to win the tournament - but perhaps that's okay. Ideally the game will be more than just fight after fight after fight, and the story arcs can become a secondary focus. For example, you can have the old champ coming out of retirement for one last fight, dealing with the changes in the sport, or a character who boxes to support his family, or a character from a family of boxers who wants to escape the shadow of his forebears. This is all dependent on the players and their characters, though, and how involved the game becomes, and I think this would be one of the major reasons to keep up with a game. The character arcs would become very cool, I think.
The guest star component could be interesting, or could be headache-inducing. A lot of players who stick to a few games tend to do so because that's all they have time for; the risk they take at joining a new game is often one of investment and time, so for a small role, you'd probably be okay. Of course, then the issue of time arises again, because their small role is likely the one that'll get the chopping block first. With that in mind, it's a cool idea!
That's all I've got, at the moment, and I hope it answers some of your questions. You're off to a killer start here, and there's enough in your OP to grab someone's attention.
Few ideas. First of all, I pretty much agree with everything peng said. He put it quite astutely, and so I shall try not to burden you with too many long rehashes that I couldn't phrase as well anyways.
I will say that it definitely needs some prettying up. As well, I agree that the system could use some work. All of Peng's reasoning applies just fine. However I could honestly see this game working beautifully without stats at all, but, that's more of how do you want to approach it. I make no secret of my general dislike for stats and such, so I may be a touch biased as well.
It does sound like it has the potential to be far more character driven than anything else, which isn't exactly a bad thing. Not everyone wants nor needs a game that is full of action and story. Though, not to say yours won't or shouldn't have it either. It's merely how well will you handle it. But there is nothing wrong with following a group of fighters through this tourney, their interactions, etc, and either ending the game or starting season two. We've had games function like that, with little to know mechanics beyond that, and they work.
Something that may be beneficial as well is more setting. We know the nations, the time period, etc, but.... what's it look like? It's a hundred years after what sounds like nuclear-ish war. Civilization fell, then got back up again. Are there cities in ruins? Do people live in huts and blown out buildings? Or has civilization recovered, cleaned it up, and rebuilding is done or at least started? That may help, as well, with what overlying stories you may or can involve into the game.
Just a few ideas off the top of my head. Here's hoping they made sense.
Okay, TEE I was not around to work with you on this very, very interesting game you got there. If you want any feedback in addition to the excellent stuff said above, go ahead and write me a PM. I am ivery interested in helping you get this project of the ground in every way I love the idea.
Now to the game at hands. And with that back to my well known, beloved format of the the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
The Good: the post-apocalyptic setting gives the game an edge I totally like. Fighting in the future is amazing as an idea and always works good as a sideplot to apocalyptic games, why not in the limelight? I like it. The stat system seems pretty fine, although I think you should probably do something that is less in need of "special knowledge" and by ANY means you need mixed gender fights. Too many girls around here, I think to scare them away. All in all it is a good idea. A solid one . . . I just see a problem ro two . . .
The Bad: Boxing? The world goes down and these guys get gloves around their hands and do it like atheltics? although I try to get a post together in my mind describing a boxer and what he does in the ring. Cover up. Cover up. try to hit him with a straight. No. Back. Cover. Cover. Dance a bit. Oh, there he comes. Cover. And then in round five I do my one and only upper cut and got him . . . it is a great sport to watch and probablyeven to do. But it is not cinematic enpugh to carry such a game, I feel. And it limits you to players liking boxing, which pushes you away from the BIG group of people who do not like it and love Martial Arts. I feel like it needs to be a free style fighting tourney. Without weights or classes. Man against man. Or woman. Fight until one can´t get to his feet anymore. If he still breathes is left to the winner, as killing the opponent in the final move is an accepted method, but not an obligation. THAT will give you more tension, more good and bad characteristics and so on . . .
Also what has been said above. the world? I need something on it. you do not even need to write something. give us a pic. tells more than a thousand words anyway, does it? Net is full of apocalypse pics, so just pic one to show us what this world looks like.
The Ugly: I predict something - The guys loosing too much will leave the game. You need to come up with a mechanism to deal with it.
Guest Stars: Might work very well. But I´d say they´ll be more willing to do a cameo, if you got the game going. And maybe some even join from the beginning. But I think the recruiting of stars is less effective to garner interest than you might think. It is not so clearly defined who is a "well respected" user around here anymore, I believe. And it is a small group. So I wonder what exactly you do aim for with this measure, as it will be stressful and quite a bit of work.
Fins pretty much sums up all my concerns. Which is handy for me, because I've been busy lately.
Anyway, if you have final thoughts on the current OP, post them now, as Chuks is free to post at 4 PM (Board Standard) tomorrow.
RL has been killing me. I want to thank you all very much for your advice and reviews of the opening post. Sadly I can't edit it and try it out again, I really don't have the time this week. Maybe this weekend. If any of you would like to see the revised opening post, please PM me and I'll be sure to send it along this weekend when I have more time to write it up. Again thanks a lot for all your kind criticisms, they've been very helpful while also gentle.
Alright, so an idea hit me, and I am running with it. As you may recall, this is not my first custom fantasy world. I enjoy making them, though this one is only partially developed at the present time. Below is the first draft of an OP. I welcome all comments, but most importantly want to know if you feel there is enough information that, if you were to join the game, you'd know how and where to start and wouldn't be too lost. Basically, is this OP confusing at all?
Also, in the following post is a description of the world as it stands right now. It is relatively lengthy, and I have a few things I'd like your opinions on. First though, know that it is all the information I would give a player up front, and is why it is included there. So, is it too much? I have no problem slimming it down to more general information. Will it turn people off? Should I care if it turns certain people off? Is it necessary at all? I feel it is, but I welcome your input.
Well, that's a few of my general concerns upfront. Of course, I more than welcome anything you have to say and greatly look forward to your comments, and, of course, if you have any questions, just ask.
Year of the Shadow: The Ring of Avanir
In Hymreel, centuries ago, a boy was born. An unspectacular event. Merely a simple birth to a simple farmer. Avanir was the boy's name, and he grew to become the most powerful man the world has ever seen. He was a Spell Song, an individual gifted with access to the Spell Fate, the flow of magic that exists within all things. Each Spell Song binds to a unique Fate Totem, the source of his power. Avanir's was a ring passed down by his father's fathers. Fate Totems are powerful items, usable only by their Spell Song, and are indestructible. However, when a Spell Song dies, his Totem becomes an artifact, capable of great feats of magical energy. These artifacts are sought by many.
When death found Avanir, his ring became the most powerful artifact to manifest itself within our realm. The five races battled over its power, hoping to fulfill their own selfish desires. Humanity from the central regions sought it for power and gain. The Feral Men, humans long ago cursed with the features of the beasts of the forests, sought to break their curse. Believing it to possess extraordinary regenerative abilities, the Forest Children?humans that long ago withdrew into the forests, taking upon them the features of the plants they loved?sought the ring to save their dying forests. The Blind Seers, the children of those who surrendered their sight long ago to purify their lineage, hoped to regain that which their fathers took from them; their sight. Lastly, the Elemental Sages?beings so in tune with the four elements that they have become imbued by one of them?fought for the ring for their own goals unknown to any.
While bloody war raged, the Ring of Avanir disappeared. Gradually, the wars subsided as the races began to search for the ring, seeking the myths and legends that already were rising about it. Time passed, and explorers innumerable sought the ring, but none found it. However, some time later, a prophecy was made. In the Year of the Shadow 367, the ring would be found, and the fate of the world reliant upon the decisions made by those who find it. It is that year. More than ever, the Ring of Avanir is sought. You are no different. Be you farmer, prince, warrior, or priest; Human, Feral, Seer, or Sage, it is your quest to find the ring, though your motives remain your own. Shall you succeed? Will you be the savior of humanity, or its end? Only you can decide.
Welcome to the Quest for the Ring of Avanir
I thank you for the interest shown thus far, and I hope you are anxious to begin, but first there are a few things that would be beneficial for you to know. As it is a custom world, there will be unfamiliar terms and mechanics. Some of this I will elaborate upon shortly, some I shall reveal as the story progresses. I also hope that you, as the player, help me to shape this new and exciting world in
Hmm.... this is.... very long. 3600 words or so. Ideally, it would be broken down into two or three posts. However, is this just too much information? I don't even care if you read it, per se, just wondering if this much text would turn you off. And, sorry in advance for the length.
EDIT: Looking at it in post form, this is just way too long. There is the map though. I will write up a slimmer version and toss it in here in a bit.
EDIT 2: *sigh* and if I could put the actual final version of the map in there...... -_-