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Discussion in 'Role Playing Resource' started by Imperial_Hammer, Oct 22, 2009.

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  1. The Loyal Imperial Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Nov 19, 2007
    star 6
    Needs a lot of work, I'd say. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation, firstly (there are several sentences in there where I have no idea what they're trying to convey). The story section is too small and rather lacking in detail compared to the character sheet and rules. What I see there is a frame for game: there's a premise, but no plot. No mission. No clear opposition. Not even a clear assignment: you finish the story section telling the players they're going to go for training. What kind of training? The rebellion is still pretty fragile and informal in 1 ABY: how experienced are these candidates supposed to be? If they're already good at what they do, does the Alliance really have the time to run them through further training if they're intended to be used on a vital (and presumably time-sensitive) mission? If they're inexperienced, why haven't they selected more skilled operatives?

    If you've got a mission plan, I'd say put it right there. Tell the players what they're in for, make that the focus, rather than signing up for a nebulous secret venture where they have no idea what's involved. Something closer to the Death Star briefings in ANH and RotJ, perhaps.
  2. Penguinator RPF Modinator and Batmanager

    Manager
    Member Since:
    May 23, 2005
    star 6
    You need to proofread and you need to make your rules leaner. It's not your job to handle disputes that break the TOS, Rules of the JC, nor disputes that fall under the realm of the sexual harassment policy. That's my job, and Ramza's job too.
  3. Chukles38 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2005
    star 5
    Good, Peng and T_L_I pointed some of those things out. Makes my life easier. :p

    I agree with everything they said. The rules ARE too bulky, and something that stuck out to me was Force sensitivity. Are you allowing it or no? The character sheet says absolutely not, while the rules kinda hint that maybe possibly you can. Some of the rules strike me as being kinda common knowledge among players. Now, granted, I suppose you could argue that it's always better to say everything upfront etc, etc, but it just feels that, as Peng said, there is fat to be trimmed.

    And definitely grammar. This, what with me being an English major and all, is kinda a big thing for me. I understand though that not everyone's an English major, and that's cool, but spelling and punctuation could use a ton of help. If needs be, always remember there is nothing wrong with an outsider proofing it, as they will always see things you missed. This goes for novice writers as well as professionals. No piece of writing is really finished until someone else has proofed it. :)

    As for the story, I agree that it is pretty... lacking. It fails to capture interest. Thus far, it's just another squad game. It would definitely help to find something to differentiate it, something to own it. More detail is certainly not a bad thing. Currently, Sarge has a game of similar mechanics and timeline. Now, not to say that two rebellion era games cannot coexist at a time. I merely bring it up to say that there's already some of the market taken up. This game needs something... more to make it stand apart on its own, to make people go, "Hmm... interesting." and continue reading.

    Well, that's my thoughts as they stand now. I will certainly add anything that comes to mind. :)
  4. DarthXan318 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2002
    star 6
    Haha... when I was reading it, I was thinking, this feels like you're trying to recreate Wraith Squadron in the OT era - and I got to the end and you are! That has a lot of potential. There are a lot of Wraith Squadron fans here. :D

    But yeah, this definitely needs a lot of work. You need a lot more story and less rules - I mean, the CS and rules sections are twice as long as your story is. There's also a lot of needless stuff there. Here's what jumped out at me:

    - it's Admiral Ackbar, with a c.
    - if you're not going to allow Force users, remove the "The Force" line entirely from the CS, you don't need it. If you're going to allow Force users under some circumstances, change that to say "Only with GM approval" or something.
    - you don't need the "no exceptions" in rule #2 either. In fact, I think you'll find that even if you didn't put in the rule entirely, people would still PM you CSs.
    - you have two Rule #4s, and as Peng pointed out, it's not your job to deal with that sort of thing anyway.
    - what do you mean by 'major character' in rule #5? Is not every PC going to be a major character? How do you define this?
    - I realize you've taken rule #6 straight from Intervention, but I daresay you don't need support staff for a game of this size and scale, so you should edit that a little.
    - we know what OOC, OOG and IC mean. You don't need to define them in rule #7.

    Other than that ... TLI is right, we need a little more detail. I'm also simply not convinced there exists such an operation that needs both army guys and starfighter guys but not necessarily guys cross-trained in both the army and starfighter piloting.
  5. Lukes_Apprentice Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2008
    star 3
    Alright this is all interesting the rule slimming is definately going to happen. More story that is fine I will try give more motivation than a surplus of recruits. Would the fact that the empire has an elite squad also be good? The cross training idea is good I can not help but agree. I thought the meeting bit was interesting it shows what kind of commander we are dealing with. If someone wants to proofread my story I'd be willing to set it up with them (PM me if your interested). I realize there is space taken for rebel era stuff but that when this RPG happen I know that reduces the response but I want to have a hard road ahead sort of Special Ops RPG.
  6. The Loyal Imperial Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Nov 19, 2007
    star 6
    The Empire has countless elite squads. One more would hardly make a difference.
  7. Lukes_Apprentice Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2008
    star 3
    What meant to say is given the fact they would need to create equality of some kind between them and the empire. Would it be good plot motivation for the creation of the squad to be a way to counter act the Empire?
  8. The Loyal Imperial Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Nov 19, 2007
    star 6
    I'd advise you to check out the Alliance's special forces. They already have a number of elite units of their own.
  9. LordTroepfchen Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 9, 2007
    star 4
    Well, as I am in the waiting loop I can throw in my comments. Have only skipped the above, so I hope I do not repeat too much.

    A few things come to mind.

    1. What you got there reads more like the opening than the introduction. It could be the first post of the game. Which leads to the question why it isn´t.

    2. The game is basically a squad game, I got that. Not an especially liked genre as far as I can tell. But one GMs seem to favour. Fine. But what makes this different? Why should I buy it and join? So far the only motivation is I love squad games. Which is usually a bit too little. You need to give us more. A story, an interesting mission, a personal motivation, a time limit, a new threat . . . something.

    3. Spelling could need a look.

    4. A question of personal taste, but it always is a mystery to me why I shall post my personality in a CS before my first post. I would make the CS slimmer. If you want no force users, don´t mention the force in the CS.

    5. I don´t know how to say it any different, but whereever you got these rules from, why don´t you borrow some which are actually good? They read as if you expect your players to be total renegades who you must discipline. And interesting you say twice there is no exception. Means everything else I can ignore and consider myself to be the exception? That any case of TOS breach must be reported to the Mods and not the GM is just a note, but this rule is totally useless.

    6. The black and white picture really is unfitting.

    All in all you need an intro that hsows us the story. Like Vader visitng a prototype factory and a spy escaping it, informing the Rebellion. And PENG to the why and how the squad is formed and then to the characters. And you post as the intro to the actual game, I´d say.
  10. Lukes_Apprentice Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2008
    star 3
    Hmm interesting idea LordTroepfchen; however correct me if I'm wrong when that when the threat is over the game goes goodbye though I see the point of beginning and end I want this to be series not a one and done. However, given your advice I can see a middle path I will not be more specific as I like to surprise my readers however the idea is right there. Yes I've been told about my grammar and I realize it is horrible. Thus my offer that if you want to edit it I would gladly send you my next version (story only) before I post again.
  11. Ramza JC Head Admin and RPF Manager

    Administrator
    Member Since:
    Jul 13, 2008
    star 7
    Don't aim for a series, try focusing on one game with a cohesive beginning, middle, and theoretical end. If you don't want to plan an ending, that's fine, but planning to make multiple games is not something I recommend for first time GMs.
  12. DarthXan318 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2002
    star 6
    I hate to say it L_A, but the only person who can work on your grammar is you. We can edit your OP for you as much as you'd like us to, but it's not just your OP: if you don't watch your grammar in GM updates you'll only wind up confusing your players, and confused players lose interest. That's no way to run a successful game.

    Take your time when posting; reread your posts and make sure they will make sense to everyone, not just you. Then do the same for your OP, and you'll find you can make it much better. :)
  13. BobaMatt TFN EU Staff

    VIP
    Member Since:
    Aug 19, 2002
    star 6
    Either way, it's fallacious to look at it otherwise. The Star Wars movies are six movies, each with a beginning, a middle, and an end. A New Hope was about getting the Death Star plans into Rebel Hands and then using the plans to destroy that Death Star. The Empire Strikes Back is about escaping from the Empire and finding a way to lay low while Luke goes to train to be a Jedi, then Han, Leia, and Chewie get double crossed and it becomes a rescue. Return of the Jedi is about destroying the second Death Star and possibly the Empire by infiltrating the shield generator; oh, and Luke doing that thing with his dad.
  14. Penguinator RPF Modinator and Batmanager

    Manager
    Member Since:
    May 23, 2005
    star 6
    This.

    As far as wanting a series goes, like Matt said, each SW movie was its own contained conflict. Things like rescuing Han and Vader's TIE spinning out of control are sequel hooks - in any story, you want some sort of resolution, but you're more than welcome to provide a taste of things to come.
  15. DarkLordoftheFins Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 2, 2007
    star 4
    Even LOST had resolutions to conflicts. and it was really pretty long in it´s narrative bow. And your OP has to give us the first conflict, obviously. Just because there will be other threrats later on, doesn´t mean you must not mention the first one. You need to get the game going. You need a Death Star. you want Dark Troopers, Galaxy Guns and force-sensitive hcewing gums later? There will be no later, because nobody will know what to expect if you don´t mention number one. so there is no middle path needed. Or advised. Give us what the first part is about. you want a part two? Well, then don´t forget to foreshadow or introduce it somewhere along the way, but make the first one count. Successful sequels are rare around here. Very rare. I can think of three games who had those. So if you want that to happen, you have to do hell of a job with part one. Therefore you should invest all your energy in making it work.
  16. Lukes_Apprentice Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2008
    star 3
    THanks for the advice I will think about everything involving this game. LordT go ahead I don't anticipate posting for quite a while.
  17. LordTroepfchen Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 9, 2007
    star 4
    I can, but I seriously advise to take the week you got here and use it. People are responding to your game and that is generally a very good thing (flops usually don´t get anything) so why not begin to work with peoples advice? Anyway, I don´t know how our new Headmaster thinks, but we should stick with the week rule. If for nothing else but Sunday being a nice day to post a game :p

    Anyway, if people think we´re done, I post Horizon tomorrow.
  18. Ramza JC Head Admin and RPF Manager

    Administrator
    Member Since:
    Jul 13, 2008
    star 7
    We are sticking with the one week rule at this time, but if LA is ceding the floor early, you're obviously free to post.
  19. Lukes_Apprentice Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2008
    star 3
    darthamza I am I see no reason to hold floor while I rework my submission and actually try to think about grammar and the pictures that are associated with my submission but before I do would like to ask one more question and anyone can answer. I believe given everones advice that it make much more sense if this team had working together for a while. They would be the elite team that you send in for only the most dangerous missions. Would it make sense if the mission was a hard mission?
  20. The Loyal Imperial Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Nov 19, 2007
    star 6
    I don't think there are any easy missions for the Alliance. Even if there were, some degree of adversity is more or less a necessity for a game of this type to be entertaining, after all. Can't think of many movies about a simple mission that goes perfectly according to plan. Or many real missions.
  21. DarkLordoftheFins Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 2, 2007
    star 4
    Well, certainly not every mission of the Alliance got the same difficulty. Getting death Star Plans or bombing fuel depot 99-5 which got ten guards is certainly different.

    So, how hard should mission be is actually one of the most interesting questions of all. Truly difficulty is one of the finer arts of GMing. Hwo difficult do you make it to beat your game? If you make it too easy or two hard you loose players. So my personal tip. Look who signs up and decide then. There are players who really start to feel their personality attacked if the slightest obstacle appears to them on their path to ascendancy. Others feel everything else than a small time apocalypse is not truly a plot. It is abouzt getting them and then balancing them. Therefore my personal tip. Don´t decide before you got your players.

    But NO, a squad based game should not be too easy. Because if it is too easy, the question is why send an elite squad at all?
  22. Saintheart Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2000
    star 6
    Also remember there's missions which are easy for the characters to accomplish and missions which are easy for the players to accomplish. They're not the same thing.

    And bear in mind there are differences in comparative ease given the skill of the squad involved.
    "Our task today is to infiltrate an Imperial Star Destroyer, hack its central computer, steal its drive design, and then rig the ship to remote detonate."
    "Yes, sir. And after lunch?"
  23. TheSithGirly Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2007
    star 3
    I think it is a classic to have an easy mission going totally wrong . . . and turning out to be bigger than everybody thought. Always a good narrative element to surprise players with the true background of a mission.
  24. BobaMatt TFN EU Staff

    VIP
    Member Since:
    Aug 19, 2002
    star 6
    This. A million times this.
  25. Lukes_Apprentice Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2008
    star 3
    Heh that is interesting. Anyway the floor is given to LordT ahead of schule ehile I think over my plot and what want to happen. [face_whistling]
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