Beyond - Legends THE IMPS GET THEIRS/short story/humor UPDATED 4/4

This is a crazy story I wrote sometime back. The Emperor and Vader are still ALIVE after ROTJ. Impossible things happen that could never happen, just so you know. Actually wondering if I should dare post it...here goes nothing.




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PART 1: ANAKIN VRS. THE EMPIRE

Eleven year-old Anakin Solo looked up in the sky from the clearing he was standing in. It was late in the evening, and he was supposed to be getting back to the Jedi academy.
"You call this a big army?" scoffed Anakin as he watched 50 Death Stars, 180 trillion star destroyers, and an army of 980 billion stormtroopers advancing toward him. And all of them had big guns in each hand. O man, I'm gonna be late for supper, he groaned to himself. Just the time for annoying little soldiers in white armor to show up. Anakin glanced down at the ?weapons? he carried in his hand: a small rock and a weed. Even the smallest person can change the fate of the galaxy. Its up to you! Tahiri had jibbered earlier to him.
"Anakin Solo to the rescue!" Anakin threw out his chest and narrowly missed getting hit by a laserbolt. 245 billion stormtroopers surrounded him on each side as 50 Death Stars filled the atmosphere for miles overhead. Hmm...this is going to be a little hard.
"What's 'e holding?" boomed a stormtrooper.
"Its a weed," grumbled the seargent next to him. "What did you have for lunch? Onions?" The trooper fanned his face with his laser pistol in disgust.
"Bantha and onions," corrected the other. "Aghh...arggh...I'm allergic to weeds!"
"Big Anakin's coming to get you!" Anakin shouted and ran toward the trooper holding the weed. The stormtrooper panicked and tried to flee, never giving one thought about the gun in his hand. (And if he had, he wouldn't have been able to hit anything anyways)
"Hey! Get back here or I'll have you shot for deserting!" shouted the sergeant. The trooper spun back around, his gun going off and killing a trooper next to him.
"Look what you did! You should always point a loaded weapon in the direction of the ground!" The sergeant ran through the military protocol on the rules and regulations of handling firearms as the trooper nodded. (And by total accident took out 5 more troopers before he got his gun pointed at the ground, but anyway, that's not the point.)
?Sorry, sarge,? apologized the trooper.
"I don't care about that! Get that kid!! Aim, fire!" bellowed the sergeant to his troopers. 980 billion guns went off. 980 billion bolts whizzed past Anakin. 980 billion troopers all dropped like stones as the bolts struck them down from all sides. What would they expect if they form a circle and all shoot toward the center? 900 billion reinforcements came and formed a circle around Anakin again.
Anakin didn't even notice what had happened, or, that the first bunch of troopers had (by exceptional and outstanding aim due to grueling years training in the Imperial Academy) all shot each other. He was too busy singing Duel of the Fates, his favorite song. (which was very popular among the Republic.) He ran around the circle, disarming stormtroopers. They were all so scared they just stared at him.
"He's taking our weapons. What should we do?"
"Maybe we should call for reinforcements," added another.
A few minutes passed. Finally one trooper said, "I've got an idea, why don't we just shoot him?"
"What a plan, say, your smart," the trooper patted his companion on the back.
By this time, Anakin had disarmed 342 million troopers. Becoming bored, he grabbed a blaster rifle off the ground, jumped up and ran around the circle, shooting troopers. A million screamed and fell over. The 'smart' trooper fired at Anakin. Anakin stopped shooting and frowned at the trooper. The trooper shivered. "I'm scared, help, help! Aaahhhhh...!" He threw his rifle over his head and ran away, screaming for reinforcements. (Maybe the billions of troopers already there were a slight clue. But again, maybe not.)
"My ammunitions gone," Anakin muttered as an empty power pack slid

 

Most interesting.

 

Nicely done.

 

Thanks. *grins sheepishly.*

 

Didn't know it went to the other page. Here's the rest.



And here's PART 2: PALPY'S GREAT SCHEMES
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The Emperor sat in his chair, spinning boredly around in a circle. A door slid open at the far end of the dark throne room of the Imperial Palace. Palpatine stopped spinning and came around to face the personage that entered. It was one of the Royal Guards.
"My lord, y -"
Palpatine cut him off. "Finally. Go make me a cup of coffee. 2 scoops, no creamer."
"As you wish." The guard swept out of the room, shortly returning with the coffee cup balanced on the end of his vibropole. Another individual followed behind him, Darth Vader. The Royal Guard placed the cup on the floor and left the room.
Palpatine turned his chair so he was facing the coffee and sent a few bolts of blue lightening into it from his fingertips to stir it. He then called the cup into his hand and took a sip.
"Nothing like instant coffee on a cold day." The emperor sat there staring idly out the window for a few minutes while sipping his coffee.
Vader wasn't prepared to wait all day for his master, however. He cleared his throat. Palpatine didn't even notice. Vader then ominously began humming the Imperial March. (Which sounded very interesting through his respirator.) After that didn't work, he tried the emperor's theme. Finally, he whistled the rebel alliance theme. Much to Vader's relief, while he was still on the first stanza, the emperor's chair turned to face him.
"What is thy bidding, my master?" Vader issued a greeting.
"Lord Vader!" barked Palpatine, aggravated. "I want beverage cupholders installed on my chair immediately! It is such an inconvience to have to hold my cup the whole time while drinking coffee!"
"As you wish, my master," Vader said flatly in one syllable. He straightened. "I have a report from Intellig-"
"Vader! Do you have any idea how maddening you are?" Palpatine scowled and inclined his head.
"No, my master."
"Your presence is most disturbing."
"Yes, my master."
"I shouldn't have made you second in command in the first place."
"Yes, my master."
"Vader, quit ignoring me."
"Yes, my master."
"What did you say?"
"Yes, my master."
"Stop this minute! I demand!"
"Yes, my master."
"Why are you here? I bet you don't even know!" Palpatine smiled smugly. "Call the maintenance droids in to install my beverage cupholders at once!"
"Master-"
"Vader, why aren't you obeying me?"
"I am-"
"Then call in those droids to install beverage cupholders!"
"Master-"
"Is something the matter, Vader?"
"Yes-"
"Well I'm much too busy to hear about it. Go talk to Tarkin, he'll set you straight."
?He died in the explosion of the first Death Star,? Vader said.
The emperor frowned, puzzled. "So he did. See, that's what stress does to you, makes you incapable of ever remembering the slightest details. Stress caused because of you!" Palpatine pointed a gnarled finger at Vader.
"There is something you must-"
"Don't back-talk me, Vader!"
"The-"
"Vader, get out. And don't forget about my-"
"Yes, yes. Your beverage cupholders,? said Vader.
"You are going to regret this, Vader! I will turn you over to the Ewoks on Endor."
Vader shook his head. "No, my master. I might get killed, or worse, be the feast in someone's honor."
"I'm glad you recognize the dangers. Now-"
"Yes, my master."
"I told you to-"
"The-"
"I don't care what, Vader!"
"TheRebelsattackedanddestroyedtheentireImperialStarfleet," Vader said, all in one breath."
"What?"
"The rebels destroyed the task force you sent to capture Anakin Solo."
"Are you sure? I hope you didn't just get that out of the newspaper, Vader," Palpatine said unconcernedly.
"No, I heard it on the radio, my master. But wasn't the rebels. Anak-"
"Vader, I don't like lies-"
"I had to get your attention."
"Vader-"
"Anakin Solo destroyed that whole task force."
"He did?" Palpatine said languidly.
"He destroyed 50 death stars, 180 trillion star destroyers, and 1880 billion troopers all by himself.

 

That was a great portrayal of a villain who has no compunction about ordering the death of billions, but throws a hissy fit when he doesn't get his own way over "coffee holders" for instance

 

Thanks Spike! I love doing strange things with Palpy.

 

VADER IS HUMMING THE IMPERIAL MARCH?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ROFLMAO That is my favorite SW tune and I tend to annoy people by humming it wherever I go (or whenever teachers are handing back tests).

 

It's can hardly be better in the realm of the parodic story...

 

Hee. Liked it, Bria, it was a very nice job. The scene between Vader and the Emperor was quite funny and Anakin Solo defeating the entire fleet sent after him? Quite humourous in deed...

One thing- I saw it once or twice and it's not a huge thing, but there is a difference between your and you're.

'Your' is always possessive. When you mean to say 'you are', you should use 'you're'. Otherwise, it doesn't make much sense. It's a very common mistakes, but it's one of the few mistakes that drives me absolutely up the wall...

 

Is there anymore coming Bria?

 

Not to this one. I will be posting an AU episode 8 hopefully this summer. Sorry, haven't looked at this post for a day. Why do I keep thinking it went down??


Thanks, Baron-Noir and Alethia for reading. And thanks, Alethia for pointing out those mistakes.

 

Loved it.