Beyond - Legends The in-famous misadventures of Hanz Ohno and Tobacca (humor)

Well everyone... this is officially my first fan fic, and I would appreciate feedback.

I will probably not be able to post updates very often, so please bear with me, ok?

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Hanz Ohno was born and raised on Corellia, and his parents are Corellian. So it follows logically that he too, is a Corelilan. Like many post-Empire Corellian lads, his life's goal had always been to become a famous smuggler like Han Solo. (he was also lucky enough to have a similar sounding name) he left home at 15 by stowing away on a outbound ship. The ship was headed for the Corporate Sector, however, it was traveling under a blown alias, and ran into a patrol within minutes of reverting to normal space. The captain and crew managed to evacuate the ship in their stealth escape pods as the ship was searched, but poor Hanz was found and taken back to a nearby base. There he was interrogated, and thrown into a cell with a furious teenaged Wookie. Hanz had learned Shyyrwook back on Corellia in an effort to become more like his hero, and was able to calm the Wookie down enough to learn that it's name was Tobacca. After learning Tobacca's name, Hanz decided to see if Tobacca wanted to escape.
<So.... you don't like it in this cell? Is that why you're so frustrated?>
<No, the cell is nice enough, Tobacca just thinks that they could have better food prep.>
<You mean that is what that whole stanged up fit was about!?>
<Yeah, they served Tobacca Nerfloaf for the 10th time this week! Tobacca can't seem to make them understand that he likes his meat raw!>
<So.... does that mean that you don't want out of here?>
<Tobacca never said that, he just likes the cell. Is that a problem?>
<Isn't it a little weird for a Wookie to like enclosed spaces?>
<If you don't mind, Tobacca would rather not talk about it.>
<Personal?>
<No, Tobacca just always wanted to say that.>
<I give up!>
<You're tired of speaking Shyyrwook? Ok, you can speak Basic if you want, Tobacca doesn't mind.>
"I've been straining my vocal chords this whole time and you understand basic!? Spast!"
<You are what, 8 years? Where did you pick up language like that?>
"I'm 17 years old!!"
<Tobacca doesn't think that you look it.>
"Ok, fine, I'm only 15!"
<Tobacca doesn't think that you look 15 either.>
"I'm 15!"
(Tobacca makes a dismissive gesture.)
"I am 15!"
(Tobacca shakes his head.)
"Yes I Am!"
<Think what you want. Tobacca supposes that's what you're best at.>
"Hey! That's almost something that Han Solo's wife once said!"
<Tobacca knows, He is a big fan of the Princess.>
(Hanz rolls his eyes.)
"Back to the issue at hand. Do you want out of here?"
<Hey, Tobacca wants out of here as much as the next being.>
"Great! Let's bend these bars then and get the nine Corellian hells out of here!"
<"Let's"? How were you planning on helping?>
"Moral support! That's how!"
(Tobacca shrugs and steps towards the door.)
<(Untranslatable Wookie explicatives)>
"What's wrong!?"
<Those (Untranslatable Wookie explicative) bars are energy beams! Tobacca almost cut his hands off!>
<You have any more brilliant ideas?>
"No."
<Want to wait until they come to give us the nerfloaf and jump them?>
"Ok!"
<We will need a ship to get us away from here...>
"Do you know where the hanger is?"
<No, but Tobacca has always been good at finding things.>


Two and a half standard hours later:


"I needa pee."
<Tobacca did not need to know that.>
"But I really, really need to pee!"
<Tobacca repeats, "Tobacca did not need to know that.">
(Hanz sighs)
<What if the guards come while you're doing your business?>
"What if they come and I haven't?"
<Tobacca thinks that that is a good point. Very well, use that corner.>

Hanz walked to the corner, and not 5 seconds later the door opened. Tobacca ran at the guard and knocked him down. He then dragged him into the cell, clubbed him over the head, took his blaster, and shoved him under the room's only cot.

<Don't say that Tobacca didn't warn you...>
"Yeah, shut up, lets go!"

The two unlikely compani

 

Is it evil to up your own story?

 

I don't have my second post done yet, but I guess it doesn't really matter that I haven't, since no one is looking!

 

that was absolutely terrifically wonderfully hilarious! Who needs an ab workout when you have humorous fanfic?



I know you said it would be a while before you posted again, but I would love to find out what happens to Hanz and Tobacca.

[-o| [-o| [-o| [-o|

(yes, I like face icons.)

Great post!

 

What you all missed due to the fact that I wanted to end that last post in a Cliff-Hanger:

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"We're goners."
<yup.>

Meanwhile, back in the ?Jedi Shrine??

?My head hurts.?
?Oh yeah? Well my?.. pinky toe hurts!?
?Really??
?Nah, it?s really my tailbone, but I get them confused sometimes.?

(long pause)

?Are you aware that there will be an investigation about how in space that guy was able to get to the transport in the first place??
?Why didn?t you just say ?You do know that the big wigs are going to find out how dumb we are, right????
?Because my way sounded more intelligent.?
?Um?. If looking intelligent was anywhere close to the top of your priority list then you would never have fallen for that ?Jedi Mind Trick? thingy!?
??thingy??.. who in their right minds says ?thingy? when they?re trying to have an intelligent argument??
?Why do you keep bringing up ?intelligence?? The way you act it?s obvious that you know next to nothing about it!?
?Back to my original question?.?
?And that was?.??
??What is the meaning of life???
?Oh?. That?s easy?.. it?s?. Um?? To eat as much Tomospice as possible before you die??
?I really doubt it?. And I was being sarcastic anyway?.?
(Isn?t this just lovely? Two idiots with just enough wit to totally confuse each other.)
?Who said that??
?I dunno?. Maybe it was that Jedi again!?
?Man! For the last time! It was (read my lips) NOT A JEDI!!!!?
?Is that really gunna be the last time??
?Yes!?
?Good, I was getting sick of hearing it.?
?What were we talking about??
?I don?t know?.?

Meanwhile, aboard the transport?

<They?re using some kind of very hot object to melt down the door!>
?How would you know how hot it is??
<Tobacca touched the door, see?>
(Tobacca held up a hand.)
?Ah? anyone ever tell you that you are an idiot??
<Why do you think Tobacca likes enclosed spaces???>
?Um?. And that has what to do with what I just asked????
<Tobacca would rather not talk about it?>
?Then why?d you bring it up? Wait! I just realized? I don?t want to know.?
<Anyway?. They are still cutting through?.>
?And WHAT in all nine Corellian hells do you expect me to do about it??!??
<Tobacca doesn?t know.>
?Alright, grab a blaster and follow me.?

Back in the ?Jedi Shrine?

?Hey! Look! Those guards are cutting their way into that transport! I wonder why??
?Dumbeopie! That?s the ?Jedi?s? transport!?
?I thought you said he wasn?t a Jedi?.?
?Yes? but that was ?for the last time? so I can call him a Jedi now.?
?Oh??

(Silence reigns.)

?That is just stupid, you?re an Eopiehole!?
?Whatever.?
?Oooo, good come-back?.?
?Sarcasm does not become you.?
?Sarcasm? No?. I was being serious!?
?Riiiight??
?No really!?
?Whatever.?

?Are you aware that there will be an investigation about how in space that guy was able to get to the transport in the first place??
?I?m having a Deja-vu again?. But you have a point?.?
?We should make sure that we aren?t here when they get here.?
?Who are ?they???
?The Bosses you idiotic Kowakian Monkey-Lizard!?
?Oh?. But how can we make sure that we aren?t here?. Isn?t here by definition a word used to describe where we are??
?Yeah??
?So by definition, anywhere we go will be ?here?.?
?Good point?.?
?We?re doomed!?
?Wait?. What if they are only coming to this ?here?? and we make sure that we are at another ?here???
?Hmm?.. it could work!?
?Where should that ?here? be??
?How bout with the Jedi??
?Good idea? but he?s under attack from the security force?..?
?Lets use the hanger cannons to blast the guards then!?
?You do it.?

Loud shots fill the hanger.

?They?re dead.?
?No kidding??
?So are we if we?re still at this ?here? when then Bosses? ?here? becomes this ?here?.?
?Let?s go!?

The two idiotic security guards run to the transport and hit the multi-purpose red button by the door. It slides open.

<DIE! DIE! DIE!>
?Toey?. (It is ok if I call you that, right?)?
<Tobacca guesses so?.>
?Toey?. YOU COULDN?T HIT THE BROAD SIDE OF MY AUNT BERTHA! Just give the blaster to me?.?

?

 

HAHAHAHHAAHAHAH! I love it! The guards are my favorite!

 

*can't breathe because she's laughing so hard*

Oh my gosh! Hilarious! I love it! More soon?

 

YES! Finally I have readers!!!

Yes, I am currently working on my next post.
I only have a few more ideas for "misadventures" though... so if anyone has any input, please PM it to me, ok?

 

*dances 'cause she read a spoiler of the next installment on emperion's computer*

Oh, and awesome job.

(And I don't wanna change my name. I happen to like Varrel.)

 

I don't count as a reader? *sniff*

how cruel of you!

But I suppose I can forgive you after a post like that... and I don't think I will be PMing you anytime soon.... I like to let other people come up with the funny ideas... I just kinda read their stories and laugh really really hard....

UP!!

 

I'm currently working on writing three other stories that I've thought of, because I really don't want to forget the ideas I've come up with so far... and I am working a ton of overtime. So it will most likely be a while before I finish the next post.

(Dizzy.... you are Sentinal_Blade_Guard, not Varrel_Blade_Guard... give Varrel back to ARC... if you want I can make Sentinal for you...)

BTW, Love the Caboose quote!

 

Whatever, nit-pick. Besides, ARC doesn't use these forums anymore so HA.

 

I am going to rewrite this and post it again, I got too far behind and found too many errors... So I am just going to make a new thread when I get enough finished to not get this far behind again.....