The Jedi Council in Big Brother(RR, Humor, hopefully)

Disclaimer: these characters aren't mine, they don't mke me money... yada.. yada.. yada..
Introduction-Set sometime before the TPM. Basicly the Council get set a challenge and it is harder than they expect.
Here Goes (one of the other writers will probably write better post than me but there we go)

Qui-Gon in the centre of the High Council chamber a broad grin played across his face. 3 other masters stood with him, each with the same devilous expresion on their faces. The council were looking uneasy, and they had the right to as well. A week ago loads of jedi had started complaining because they were been sent on silly missions which involved looking after children, mad people and various other things. So the Council had said to give them any challenge they wanted.
'We have made up our mind' Said Qui-Gon.

Sorry it's short but I have to go out be back later.

 

OK i'm back ,not that anyone will notice i'm goe since I don't think anyone's read this yet :_(

Chapter 1- The News

"You have got to be kidding!" Exclaimed Eeth Koth.
"Nope, we're been serious," Tahl replied.
"It is hardly a challenge sending us away for 2weeks with 12 teenagers to a remote hill top to stay in a lovely mansion. Though I do wonder what your definition of lovely is since Shadow says her quarters are lovely when their painted bright orange with irregular black stripes down it." remarked Plo Koon.
"Are you something wrong with my sense of style!"
"What style?" muttered Oppo Rancisis
"I heard that fuzzball"
"When you lot have quite finished, perhaps Qui-Gon might like to tell us more" Shouted Mace Windu over the arguement that had started to his right. Everyone shut up but Shadow and Oppo were still giving one another evil looks.
"About a year ago," Qui-Gon continued, "a few of us were sent to settle a small series of crimes over Coruscant's west side. It turn out to be a group of 12 teens, who aptly called themselves 12 Terrors, coincidently they happened to be the same species and gender as you. Except 1. That's who your staying with" He finished. The 4 masters in the rooms centre were all delighted to see the looks of shock on the council members' faces.
"Wait outside you will whilst we discuss this," commanded Yoda.
"What is there to discuss? Your not getting out of this, no matter how hard you try" Said Shadow.



"Did you see the looks on their faces? I nearly burst out laughing when Qui-Gon told them."
"Me too." It took the 4 a moment to spot their Padawans waiting for them.
"How did it go master?" asked Obi-Wan.
"They seemed a bit shocked to be honest"
"I wonder why?" Shadow said in mock confusion.
"Do you think they'll do it Master?" asked Bant.
"Shadow won't give them a choice, what did you say you'd if they refused?"
"Either 1. tranqulize them then send them. 2. Accidently set a Reek free in each of their quarters. Or both if i'm in a particulary revengous mood at the time."
"A jedi seeks not revenge." Quoted Qui-Gon.
"Do you know now many times I heard that from Yaddle when I was her Padawan?" asked Shadow.
"No, but I want to either." replied Qui-Gon.
"Good 'cause I lost count."
"Shall we earwig on them?" sugested Luminara. All seven (Luminara was padawanless) of them managed to squash the side of their heads up against the door. They caught a few muffled comments.
"Did one of them just say they needed the loo?"
"No, they said 'what are we going to do'"
"Oh, I must be going deaf"
"Pardon?"
"har de har, That was so funnyyyy!" said Qui-Gon sarcasticly as at that moment the door sild open and four masters and three padawans toppled in and landed in a tangled heap on the floor.
"Ouch, Tahl you foot is in my face," compained Qui-Gon in a muffled voice.
"Sorry but it's very difficult to organise a place to land, it's also hard to move when there are two people on top of you."She replied huffily.
"Earwiging on us you were. Believe our offices need organising, I do."
"It was so nice of the 7 of you to offer do tidy them for us." Commented Mace.
"Awwww, Dam it!"

 

Firstly, it's very hard to get the courage to post a story so for that I say "Well done!"

But now for a little critque'...

"har de har, That was so funnyyyy!" The door slide open at that very moment and 4 masters and 3 padawans toppled in and landed in a tangled heap on the floor.

How about this insted?


"Har de har, That was so funnyyyy!" This character said sarcasticly as at that very moment, the door slid open and four masters and three padawans toppled in, landing in a tangled heap on the floor.


It's the same basic wording but the grammar has been changed a bit to make it read a little more smoothly...

You have the makings of an intersting story but I'm afraid I was a little lost at the start... perhaps a little introduction would help orientate your readers a bit more? Just a couple of sugestions!
Keep up the good work! 90% of it is being brave enough to post! Congrats!

 

DarthBreezy- Thanks for the pointers. As you might notice I changed it.