The Jedi Trials-Murder At The Lars Homestead (humor,I hope)

We join the cross examination of Luke Skywalker already in progress..........


Prosecuter- Mr.Skywalker,could you please tell the court what you immediately did after you found the burnt,dead bodies of your aunt and uncle,Owen and Beru Lars?

Luke Skywalker- Well,me and old Ben Kenobi went to......

P- I'm sorry,who?

LS- Ben Kenobi

P- Ben Kenobi,better known around the galaxy as Obi Wan Kenobi,THE JEDI FUGITIVE!!!

Jury- HUHHH!!!

P- And where is "Old Ben" now?

LS- Umm,dead.

P- Hmm,he's dead.Curious.By the way,were you with Obi Wan Kenobi when your aunt and uncle were murdered?

LS- Yes.Out beyond the Dune Sea.

P- What were you doing there?

LS- We found some dead Jawas.

P- Oh,there's that word again,dead.Things don't seem to live very long around you,do they Mr.Skywalker?

LS- Uhh....

P- You know,you are really lucky you weren't home when they were killed.You may have been hurt.

LS- Ben said they would have killed me too.

P- Yes,that's what is called a murder/suicide.

LS- What?

P- Lets get back to what you were saying you did after you found the bodies.

LS- Anyway,we went to Mos Eisely Spaceport to try and find us a pilot to.......

P- Mos Eisley Spaceport.Where you can find the most wretched hive of scum and villiany.You must have fit right in.

LS- Well....

P- And did you find a pilot?

LS- Yes,Han Solo

P- Han Solo,a known smuggler,not to mention being wanted for the murder of a bounty hunter named Greedo.Now,there are some conflcting reports.Some say Greedo shot first,while others say he never got off a shot.Hard to believe he would miss Mr. Solo at such a close range,wouldn't you say.Plus his being accociated with you doesn't really help his case any,now does it?

LS- I uhh.....

P- Where was it that you wanted Han Solo to take you?

LS- Alderaan.

P- Alderaan.Wasn't that planet destoyed?

LS- Yes,right before we got there.

P- Oh,right before you got there.Hmm,more death.Again,you were really lucky.If you were on that planet when it was destroyed then,well..........Death and luck seem to follow you around like flies on a Bantha's behind,don't they Mr. Skywalker?

LS- But I....

P- Why were you going to Alderaan?

LS- It was a secret mission.

P- Oh my,a secret mission.It's no secret what really happened.You just learned that your Uncle wanted you to stay on Tatoonie for another season.You wanted to join the Academy and you weren't willing to wait another day!So either with or with out the help of Obi Wan Kenobi,which is still not clear,you murdered your aunt and uncle and got as far away from that planet as you could!Didn't you?!?!

LS- No,That's not true!That's impossible!

P-What's impossible is your wild story of giant space stations the size of small moons.Of rescuing princeses from said space stations.Of apparently suicidal "vanishing" old men.Of mystical energy fields that control all living things.Tell me Mr.Skywalker,was there a mystical energy field controling you when you torched your aunt and uncle?Well,was there?!?!

LS- NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

P- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,I submit to you that the Lars were not the victims of an attack by Imperial Storm Troopers,but by this reckless,whiney,rebelious youth.And for what?Because he was abused or neglected by them?Hardly.The Lars cared for him like a son since he was a baby with out any thought of reward.Why then?How about because just the day before,Luke wasn't allowed to go to Toshi Station to pick up some freak'in power converters and waste time with his friends!!

Jury- Huhhh!!!

LS- You will find me innocent of these charges.

P- Will your Honour please instruct the accused to stop waving his hand around at the jury.

P- Do you have anything else you have to say,Mr.Skywalker?

LS- (Sobbing) I want my mother.

P- Your mother.We had some trouble locating her.Do you have any idea where she mght be?

LS- Umm,dead.

P- Why am I not surprised.What about a father?Have one of those?Tell us Mr.Skywalker,who is your father.

LS- Umm,is it too late t

 

LOL!! IKilledSifo-Dyas that was brilliant!!!

 

lol thats a pretty funnay script dude

 

"P-What's impossible is your wild story of giant space stations the size of small moons.Of rescuing princeses from said space stations.Of apparently suicidal "vanishing" old men.Of mystical energy fields that control all living things.Tell me Mr.Skywalker,was there a mystical energy field controling you when you torched your aunt and uncle?Well,was there?!?!"

HA!!!!!!! that great!! finally someone posting with a great sense of humor!!!

The next person on the trial should be the spector of Obiwan...

 

This thread is magnificent. I'm a paralegal and i was just laughing my a$$ off a few moments ago...

 

wonderful thread, sifo-dyas

so funny

you could also have anakin on trial for kiiling tusken raiders

 

Now that was funny
Good job!

 

Good job! You had some great lines! Would love to see some more trials....

 

But take your time if you have to!
Make 'em good like this 'un

 

Thanks for all the positive replies.I came up this idea (almost all of it in about 3 minutes) yesterday while reading the thread about if Luke now owned the Lars moisture farm (I was originaly just going to post this in that thread).I may do something like this in the future,but it probably won't be another trial.Something like Obi Wan Kenobi at an AA meeting might be good: "I know Luke and the others had no idea,but I was drunk out of my mind the entire time we were on The Death Star.I mean,I just stood there and let Vader strike me down.What was I thinking?I was so wasted."

 

shouldnt this go in the spoilers forums

 

That is pretty funny. I have an addition for you, IKilledSifo-Dyas. I hope it's good...

P: We also have reports that a band of tuskens were once hacked to death in the desert.

LS: That was before I was born!

P: Ah hah! You admit that you know of the incident! Were you also aware that the victims were killed with a lightsaber? Were you or were you not armed with a lightsaber at the time of your arrest?

LS: But that was a completely different lightsaber! Any fanboy could tell you that a blue lightsaber with a different handle was used, and my current lightsaber is gre-

P: Well, well, well. You seem to know an awful lot about lightsabers for an "innocent" man. And now they come in multiple colors? What's next? Red? Purple?

 

That was good darthdoug.I also had the idea (after it was to late to edit it into my post) of Luke mentioning that Obi Wan speaks to him from the grave:


P- So you claim Obi Wan Kenobi is dead.Is that correct?

LS- Yes,but he does speak to me through the Force though.Like durring the battle of Yav.......

P- He speaks to you.

LS- Well yeah,through the Force.

P- So in other words,you hear voices.

LS- Umm,just his voice.

P- Well tell me Mr. Skywalker,was it the voice of the late Obi Wan Kenobi that told you your Aunt and Uncle had to die?

LS- He was still alive when that happened.

P- So you admit he told you to kill them.

LS- No wait,that's not what I meant.Your trying to confuse me.I....

P- Maybe you wouldn't be so confused if you weren't so obviously preocupied with so much guilt.

LS- I don't have any guilt!

P- Please.You have more guilt than someone who has just been caught making out with his own sister!

 

IKilledSifo-Dyas: You're amazing! You should definitely do something like this again.

 

Wow. Most people would have killed/overplayed it by now
I'm glad to see you're still keeping it fresh

 

That was great!

 

Ok,you talked me into it.I started a new thread on this forum (though it probably should be on the SW Saga forum) entitled "My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi and I am an alcoholic-Confesions of a Jedi Knight".Hope you enjoy it.

(Yes,this is just a shameless bump. )

 

Hello guys, I'm here to flood you with my jibber jabber.

*inside the court room*
Lawyer: *walks up to Luke* Mr Skywalker, have you ever seen my client before? *motions over behind him*
Luke: *looks to the alien with a butt for a mouth, who is sitting in a wheel chair, wearing bandages* ..Yes.
Lawyer: Did you two get into a fight at all?
Luke: Ys actually. I was just minding my own business when out of nowhere he shoves me!
Lawyer: So he just so happens to lightly nudge you in the side, that it sends you off into a violent, murderous rampage?!
Luke: ..No! He started it first!
Lawyer: Ah, I see. Very quick to point fingers aren't you?
Luke: I'm just telling you what happened!
Lawyer: Well, my client has a VERY different story from your toned down Disney version! Because my client informs me that YOU shoved HIM first!
Luke: But...
Lawyer: And all along his friend kept telling you to calm down, but what did you do? You ordered this imaginary, blue glowing, body-guard assassin of yours to slice off his arm with a 'lightsaber'!
Luke: Hes not imaginary! His name is Ben!
Lawyer: Oh! BEN! So he has a name now! Finally! I can finally sleep at night, thank you Skywalker. You have made my day.
Luke: But he was there with me, hes the one who sliced off his arm!
Lawyer: Oh ok! Then bring him in as a witness!
Luke: I can't...
Lawyer: Oh whys that? Please tell me! Where is he?! Where is this ultimate guardian of peace and justice?!
Luke: *frowns* Hes... dead.
Lawyer: But I thought you said he was alive and well! NOT IMAGINARY!
Luke: Thats not what I meant..
Lawyer: No of course it isn't! You know damn well who that sword wielding maniac in the bar was! It was you! IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG!
Luke: NO!!
Lawyer: Admit it! You hated his alien guts the moment you walked in there! The anger was deep within you, and that anger had a name no doubt, BEN!! It kept taunting you! Taunting you till you couldn't stand it any longer! YOU ARE A LOONEY!!!
Luke: But I didn't do anything to anybody!
Lawyer: I'm not surprised thats all you can say! Muttering each word again and again. Heck! Most of them are negatives! "No, not, can't." It seems you are clearly in denial. Maybe this video, will change all that.
*he brings out a tv and puts in a tape*
*on the tape it shows the cantina bar scene, a crudely done renactment with different actors playing the roles*
Lawyer: If you all look here, you will clearly see that Luke is hitting my client like a psychotic mad man with his powerful "Jedi" weapon, again again till the cows come.
*crowd gasps*
Luke: But thats not even me! THATS A WOOKIEE!
Lawyer: it makes no difference! In essence, you ARE a wookiee!
Luke: I can't believe this! Your just making all this up!
Lawyer: HA! I'm the one making all this up?! Your the one whos having delusions of grandure! Honestly, a voice that talks inside your head? Dead people that follow you wherever you go?! Wake up and smell the coffee beans!! That is most definately a clear sign that you possibly need to seek some professional HELP, pronto!
Luke: *silent*
Lawyer: Ha. Wheres all your big words now Mister SKYWALKER?! Wheres your dark magic and glowing swords?! Hmm? Well even if you had them, they wouldn't save your sorry little butt out of this one! Your honor. I'm finished.
*crowds bursts into cheers and clapping*
Luke: Oh boy.

 

I imagine that lawyer sounding exactly like the expensive attorney that works for Mr. Burns on the Simpsons. What we need next is a further charge against Luke for attacking endangered species, namely a wampa ice creature and a rancor.

 

I agree, he does sound like that angry lawyer from the Simpsons.

 

I've never seen the Simpsons lawer.I based him mostly on the lawer at the begining of 'The Shawshank Redemption'.