The NJO Humorous version: Part 2 of the VP humorous thread

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I thought Itrakh was the Prof. Emeritus of C. & J. S.?
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Itrakh founded the School and runs it. I was the first staff member and Chair my own Department. We work well together.

Wish I could get italics and bold to work myself.

 

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ZAZ: Hey, Professor Emeritus of Jedi Crashology and Smooshing, you know this is fiction,right?
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Of course. . Like all good fiction, it is somewhat based upon certain realities.

This Ganodghri was just curious as to which thread the fiction was [italics]based[/italics] upon.

 

Wilt walked through the double wide doors that marked the entrance to the hub of the complex, the Cranks? library. It looked conventional enough with plenty of books, periodicals and the ubiquitous computer terminals for Internet access. In one corner was an open door leading into large conference room which sat empty at the moment. A handful of the rank and file Cranks sat at central tables quietly reading with a few more surfing the ?net in computer equipped cubicles.

Once Wilt made his way past the first row of bookshelves and spotted the librarian?s desk it was apparent why this place was so serene. Professor Leatherneck, apparently still wishing to command soldiers, had two lower-rank Cranks guarding the main desk with a large, black assault rifles. Whatever they were, they looked much larger than the M-16s Wilt saw on the evening news and undoubtedly packed more of a punch. Wilt approached them carefully but between his delivery uniform and the label on the package, they waived him through without much of a delay.

The door to Professor Leatherneck?s office lay directly behind the desk. Upon entering the room, Wilt saw that the walls were covered with maps of all kinds. They included maps of Northern California, Manhattan, San Diego and a few other locations he could not quite place. Many of them had markings with certain areas shaded and labeled ?LZ?, whatever that meant. In addition to the maps were boards full of lists, all in code which meant nothing to the humble delivery man. They must have meant a great deal to the Professor as he was studying them, and a map of Montana which he held in his hand, with great interest.

The man himself wore his hair so short, it was difficult to figure out just how old he was. That style, he figured, was what the U.S. Marines called ?high ?n tight?. Even more noticeable was how he was dressed. Most of the Cranks wore dark grey robes with tasteful colored hems to show rank. Setting himself apart, the Professor?s personal robe was cut from traditional U.S. armed forces camouflage material. Wilt couldn?t figure out the reasoning as the pattern made him stand out plain as day in an office environment. Oh well, he sure LOOKED distinctive and that was probably the point.

Professor Leatherneck turned around and recognized the delivery man for who he was. ?Ah yes, I?ve been expecting that. Please leave it on the desk.? Wilt complied and was ready to leave when the professor asked him a improbable question: ?What method of troop delivery do you prefer for air assaults, the versatility of helicopters or the economy of parachutes??

Wilt stood there, slack jawed. ?Um ... Uh ...?

Professor Leatherneck just grinned at him. ?Yes, I?ve been having a hard time deciding myself except that *I* have an emergency report to prepare for the Emperor ... quite a demanding person.? The man sighed and spoke with reluctance, ?That will be all.?

Wilt bowed, although he wasn?t sure why, said ?Yes sir? just for good measure then made his way back into the library to meet up with his escorts and then they found another corridor on the opposing side of the library. Well, Wilt thought, that?s more than half of the Cranks accounted for and now every step brought him ever closer to the exit ...

 

Zaz,
Any chance you'll be incorporating "Psoriasis" into the 'Smackdown Palace' story?

 

Yup, you read my mind. Only I hadn't thought up such a good name, which I will promptly rip off...

 

This has been placed on other threads, specifically the plethora of NJO Theme Song Threads, but it does deserve a place here.

Wait and See: by RunDelReyMC

Ben's voice:"Luke, you're going to find that many things we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view?



Verse 1:
POV, that's what it's all about

Wait and See how this story arc turns out.

You think that you're smart and you think that you're savvy.

But raggin on the VP ain't very classy.

Buy them books, buy ?em so you all can see.

That you are all like lab rats, tested by RunDelReyMC.


Refrain:
Just wait and see, how the story turns out.
You'll shell out the big bucks and all the while will pout.
Just don't expect to understand it as it comes,
cause the point of the NJO is unknown even to us.


Verse 2:

Moons they are a falling. Falling through the sky.

It?s looking like Chewbacca is likely gonna die.

The Yuzzies got an edge. An edge the Jedi cannot see.

But still they are a textbook cookie-cutter mystery.

Embracing pain, that?s what they?re all about,

AS will be reading NJO, as you all will find out.










Refrain:
Just wait and see, how the story turns out.
You'll shell out the big bucks and all the while will pout.
Just don't expect to understand it as it comes,
cause the point of the NJO is unknown even to us.

Verse 3:

Well....first we killed the Wookie <echoes>

Then we killed a Noghri <echoes>

Cilghal ain't around and the Lukester's wife looks poorly. <echoes>

Got a lot of Jedi. Half ain't got no names.

Ganner lost his face and Kyp's still playing games.

MAS snuck in his Twi?leks, and yet she still got numbed,

AT least we didn?t see another addition to the Super Weapon of the Month Club.

Refrain:
Just wait and see, how the story turns out.
You'll shell out the big bucks and all the while will pout.
Just don't expect to understand it as it comes,
cause the point of the NJO is unknown even to us.


Verse 4:

Plot holes are a plenty, but most can?t even see,

They?re blinded by the paychecks from RunDelReyMC!

Those that see the light, darkness upon them fall

Ignorance and zealousness should surely serve to stall.

You might think us arrogant, possibly correct

But it really don?t matter no more cause we be getting checks.



Han?s Voice: I?ve got a bad feeling about this?

 

[I originally posted this in the Ruin Humorous Version, but I think it deserves to be here too]
Behind the Books:

Behind the Books brings you never seen before information concerning the latest Star Wars novels. One year ago, deep within the bowels of the publishing wing of the ranch, a meeting took place. In attendance were MAS, the Chief Del Rey Overlord, and his minion.

MAS: "Well, what did you think of my detailed outline for Dark Tide?"
CDRO: "Loved it, but we've got a few issues."
MAS: "Issues? What kind of issues?"
CDRO: "This whole Karrde/Shada sub-plot about gathering information on the Pong has got to go."
MAS: "You're kidding me?"
CDRO: "Karrde is just Zahn's alter ego. We don't need him in the NJO."
MAS: "Who, Karrde or Zahn?"
The CDRO squints angrily at MAS for that last remark.
MAS: "I think you are wrong."
CDRO: "Plus, this Antillies-Fel family reunion has got to go too."
MAS (agast): "What!?! Fans have been demanding this almost as long as a main death."
DRO#2: "We don't care what the fans demand."
CDRO: "We don't want too much linkage to the Bantam line either."
MAS: "You guys are all wet."
CDRO: "Same goes for Admiral Parck. Ditch him."
MAS: "You guys are killing me. What's wrong with Parck?"
CDRO: "Linkage. Too much of a nod to Zahn."
DRO#2: "You can keep Fel's son and his squadron though. He makes a good love interest."
CDRO: "You'll have to scale back Pellaeon's scenes too.
MAS: "Let me guess, too much Zahn."
DRO#2: "Hey, you catch on quickly."
MAS: (rolls his eyes) "Anything else."
CDRO (fips over the next page) "Yes, this second Eye thing. I don't know about that."
MAS: "What's wrong with it. I wasn't going to have them find it."
DRO#2: "Were not comfortable reminding people of what's-her-name's novels."
CDRO: "We've ruled her out of writing for the NJO because of fan reaction."
MAS: "I thought you didn't listen to what fans demand?"
CDRO: "Only in matters where profits will suffer do we listen."
MAS: "Oh, how noble of you."
DRO#2: "Just scale back this second Eye thing."
MAS: (annoyed) "Whatever."

After this short commercial break, Behind the Books continues with more about the Truth behind The Dark Tide. <insert commercial for a P&G laundry detergent> We now continue with our look behind the process behind the latest SW novels.

CDRO: "These Noghri names bother us too."
MAS: "What's wrong with them."
CDRO: "They all have the KH naming convention."
MAS: "As they should."
DRO#2: "We took a lot of heat for not knowing about it."
CDRO: "We need to embarass the fans who complained about it."
DRO#2: "We want you to switch the K and H in a couple of the names."
MAS: "You'll just be compounding the problem."
CDRO: "No, we'll be saving face."
MAS: "You guys are a petty bunch."
CDRO: "Finally, you spend too much time with Rogue Squadron. This isn't an X-Wing book."
MAS: "But, I've got to spend time developing some characters that die."
DRO#2: "Why? What's the point?"
MAS: ( ) "So the fans will care about them, and be devastated when they die."
DRO#2: "Jaina is devastated. That's good enough."
MAS: "But that is telling, not showing."
DRO#2: "Potato, poh-ta-toe."
MAS: "You guys have just cut out almost one book's worth of material."
CDRO: "Oh, well, it looks like you'll be writing a duology instead."
MAS: "The fans won't be happy to hear you cut one of my novels."
(The CDRO and his minion huddle together for a conference.)
CDRO: "We'll cut 1 paperback from each year."
DRO#2: "And call it plot restructuring."
CDRO: "The fans will never know the truth."
MAS: "You guys are idiots, do you know that?"
CDRO: "But we're the idiots in charge."
CRO#2 (chuckling slightly) "Let us know when you have a revised outline."

Next on Behind the Books ....

 

Bjorn Borg walks into Professor Leatherneck?s office near the library deep within E.C.A. HQ with Princess Aleve following right behind him.

[Professor Leatherneck]: (sarcastically) ?Ahh, you?ve finally made it!?

[Bjorn Borg]: ?Reporting as requested, Professor.?

[Princess Aleve]: ?Mine own self as well. Thou has something planned for his humble compatriots??

[Bjorn]: (looking at the Princess incredulously) "Humble? Speak for yourself, sister!"

[Professor]: (angrily) ?Bjorn, when are you going to get rid of those stupid aviator sunglasses? Nobody, but NOBODY wears aviators anymore!!?

[Bjorn]: (sincerely) ?But I look really COOL in them!?

[Professor]: (sighs angrily) ?I might have guessed you?d say that. And Princess, why don?t you trying speaking normal English like everyone else? Deciphering that obsolescent gibberish gives me a headache. ?

[Princess]: (genuinely astonished) ?Whatever art thou speaking of??

[Professor]: (pauses) ?Oh, ... I?m sorry. I shouldn?t have snapped at you two. I?m just under a lot of stress, that?s all. A tough, dangerous mission was just handed to me and you two are the only ones who I can turn to.?

[Bjorn]: ?You were ?handed? a mission? No one ?hands? us missions ... unless it came from ... HIM, the Emperor himself, the mysterious being that started the Extremist Crank?s Association!?

[Professor]: ?Yes, Emperor Palindrome was most insistent it be undertaken in two weeks and you two are the only ones who can pull it off on such short notice?

[Princess]: ?Hath thou considered the Lady DewMomma??

[Professor]: ?Briefly, but where am I going to find over 100 babysitters that will work with rambunctious wook cubs?

[Bjorn]: ?Surely, the Emerald Flame?s up for a challenge??

[Professor]: ?Well, Flame is in a bit of a mood lately. I guess he?s working on something he feels is ?top secret? and has issued a blanket threat to electrocute anyone who steps into his office for at least the next 48 hours. I?d talk to him on the phone, but of course I don?t call his office anymore since that last time ... when he got bent and made my Nokia burst into flame while I was still holding it.?

[Bjorn]: (shaking his head) ?And the new guy??

[Professor]: ?He?s not even completely moved in yet and I'd really prefer a couple veterans for this particular mission. It?s awfully sensitive.?

[Princess]: ?Is there some reason thou has not intended said mission for thyself??

[Professor]: (sheepishly) ?Well ... um* ... Mrs. Leatherneck said if I leave town on one more adventure this month, she?d kill me.?

The Princess grins knowingly while Bjorn fights back a chuckle.

[Bjorn]: ?Well, I guess that pretty much settles it. What can you tell us about this mission??

[Professor]: ?Not too much right now except that you will be meeting the enemy ... face-to-face!?

Silence consumes the room as the Princess and Bjorn just stare at the Professor in disbelief, their faces ghostly pale ...

* Itrakh, please add this to the list.

 

OOOH. I like this. Now I know why my son destroyed both pairs of my aviators.

 

Um, any more smart remarks like those and, um, flaming cell phones won't be the only things you'll have to worry about.

 

Okay, back to business and the Smackdown Palace Tag-Team Challenge Match between the Del Rey Flunkies and the Extremist Crank's Association....
Announcer: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, I believe everybody's present and accounted for, so let's proceed. I'd like to introduce to you--representing the Extremist Cranks' Association..."
He is drowned out by raucous cheers from the audience...
Announcer: "First up, we have that well-known good bad guy (or is it bad good guy?), a frequent frequenter of hardware stores, and seven-time winner at Wimbledon, Bjorn Borg..."
Wild cheering...Bjorn Borg clanks out wearing tennis whites, aviator glasses, a head band and a long blonde wig. He holds a metal tennis racquet in his hand, which he swings in a vicious semi-circle semi-occasionally. He nods to the crowd, and adjusts his wig...they love this bit of noblisse oblige...
Announcer: "Next up, that doughty defender of the weak and innocent and mother of multitudes...I give you the mighty DewMomma!!! A giant female Wookiee shambles into the ring...she's wearing a tee-shirt with a caption reading "Don't Even THINK About It." Under this, embroidered by hand in unsteady letters, is the following: "HOUSEWIVES RULE!!!" She is also wearing several of her young, who are clinging to her fur and blinking curiously in the harsh lights...she lifts up one of her cubs and makes him wave to the crowd, which loves that, too...
Announcer: "Next up is the mysterious Emerald Flame!
At first, the crowd cheers, but when no one appears, there is a creepy, lengthy silence...
Announcer: (shouting) "I SAID, next up is Emerald Flame!!"
The sound of crickets is heard...
Bjorn Borg: "Em is checking out a conspiracy theory..."
CDRO: (sternly) "Are you short a man?"
BB: "Nah, Em'll be along eventually...at least I think, he will...I've never actually met him...at least I think I haven't..."
Announcer: (noticing that the crowd is getting restless and trying to recapture their attention) "Next, the glamorous and gorgeous one herself, the ultra-fantastic Princess Aleve!"
A tall long-haired woman dressed in a metal breastplate, harem pants, and a veil strides forward and bows to the audience. As she leans forward, 159 needle-sharp stilettos fall from her deep decollete and hit the ground with a mighty clatter...
Darkly Preposterous: "Hey! No weapons allowed!!"
Aleve: (pointing to his flame-thrower) "Prithee, varlet, what is THAT, then?"
DP: (condescendingly) "You're obviously a half-wit, Princess, so I'll speak veddy, veddy slowly so you can understand me..."
Aleve: (folding her arms) "Do not render me any favors, ye olde lamebrain. Expectorate thy musings..."
DP: "Say what?'
Aleve: (bored) "Spit it out, dunderhead..."
DP: (smugly) "I'm an administrator. The rules don't apply to me."
Aleve: (snorting) "Who saith?"
She looks pointedly at the referees. Dementia Praecox avoids her eyes; Peanut Butter merely grins and swings his five-iron, missing DP's head by a half an inch or so.
Aleve: (staring at them) "Wellth?"
PB: "If that's what he wants to think, then where's the harm?"
Aleve: (indignantly) "You will permit this varlet to demeanth thy authority?"
PB: (grinning at her) "Well, not JUST him..."
Aleve laughs, shaking her head. Immediately, 159 razor-sharp razor-blades fly out of her coiffure, narrowly missing DP...
DP: (angrily) "Look at that! She's cheating again!"
PB: (mildly) "I didn't see anything..."
BB: (to Aleve) "Hey, how come those things don't cut YOU?"
Aleve (to BB): "I hadth my skin simonized." (She notices that DP is surreptitiously listening and raises her voice) "And I suffered an asbestos treatment to protecteth my royal skin against FLAMES!!!"
DP turns white...
Announcer: "And now I want to introduce the brains of the outfit, ladies and gentlemen, Professor Leatherneck!"
The crowd goes wild as the Professor makes his way to the ring. He is wearing fatigues, a leather flying cap, combat boots, and a set of those reflector shades. A couple of enlisted men follow him, carrying his laptop, cellul

 

LOL. Hey [Zaz] do you ever go skiing?

 

This week on Behind the Books, we delve into the story behind the Episode 2 novelization, the players involved, the decisions behind the scenes, and who ultimately got this plumb project. Epsilon Source has provided us with a transcript of the meeting out at the ranch. In attendance is da Boss, the Lucasfilm Marketing Minion, and the Chief Del Rey Overlord.

The CDRO and LMM enter the throne room of da Boss. Both kneel.
da Boss: "Speak to me."
CDRO: Your eminence, here are some people we thought would have guaranteed sales appeal for the Episode 2 novelization."
(da Boss reads the list)
dB: "Tom Clancy? Nope... too wordy and costs too much, that would take 2 or 3 percent of the expected profits, can't have that."
dB: "JK Rowling? Who's he?"
CDRO: "She, sir."
LMM: The hottest, newest sensation."
CDRO: "She writes the Harry Potter books."
dB "She writes about the guy from M*A*S*H*?"
CDRO: "No, sir."
LMM: "Nevermind sir. Forget about her."
dB: "Timothy Zahn! (lighting bolts shoot randomly from his hands) Over my dead body! Who put this name on here?"
CDRO: "Not me sir."
LMM: "Me either."
CDRO: "Someone must be playing a practical joke."
LMM: "We'll find the scofflaw sir, and put him or her in the Embrace of Pain before termination."
dB: "See that you do."
(The LMM and CDRO both bow their head to the floor.)
dB: "Danniel Steel? Good name recognition, and I know I said that Episode 2 would be a romantic story, but wouldn't she write about <shudder> kissing? And sss, ssss,"
CDRO: "Sex, sir?"
dB: (more lightening bolts) "Dadgummit, you know we don't talk about that around here."
LMM: (shoves the CDRO) "Idiot."
dB: "Who's this next guy? Darkly Preposterous?"
CDRO: "One of the loyal forum suck-ups. A budding writer."
LMM: (whispers to himself) "Budding? How about a no-talent weed!"
dB: "Loyal, you say?"
LMM: "But, sir he has no guaranteed sales except to his fellow suck-ups, cronies, clones and girlfriend."
CDRO: "I think loyalty should be rewarded."
LMM: "And with your list of year 2 and 3 writers, no wonder people are grumbling."
CDRO: "Why you backstabbing little turd."
dB: "Boys, boys. Calm down. No history means no deal."
LMM: (smirking) "I agree, sir."
dB: "If he's been published by E3, and he's groveled at my shrine for a few more years, then maybe I'll consider rewarding his loyalty."
CDRO: "Yes sir."
dB: "Greg Bear? I thought we used him already. Isn't he the token SciFi writer we hired a while back to quiet those loud mouth people with a science education who don't know a fantasy when they see it?"
CDRO: "Yes, sir. He wrote a prequel sequel."

After this commercial, Behind the Books continues its look into the decision behind the assignment of the Episode 2 novelization. <insert commercial for Taco Bell> Welcome back, let's continue to observe the secret footage of the meeting.

dB: "What about that fellow who wrote The Phantom Menace novelization?"
LMM: "Terry Brooks"
dB: "Yeah, him, why not get him back?"
CDRO: "We want to spread things around to our other writers, give them more exposure, suck in fans to their other works. Plus, I don't like him too much."
dB: "Why is that?"
CDRO: "He trashed the EU last year."
dB: "According to my orders. I hate it when fans think the EU is better than MY movies, so I always do this every once in a while."
LMM: (to CDRO) "Besides, you don't take the EU seriously anyway, so what's the problem?"
CDRO: "We can't appear to sanction that kind of behavior. Image is everything."
LMM: "Can't argue with that."
CDRO: "We have someone else in mind."
dB: "R A Salvatore... who the heck is that. Never heard of him."
CDRO: "He's a well known fantasy writer who..."
dB: (interrupting) "That Brooks guy was a fantasy writer wasn't he? Did that draw in more fantasy fans?"
CDRO: "I don't know, sir."
dB: "You don't know? You are paid to know! (getting angry) Star Wars is a bloomin' fantasy!** with a SciFi feel. We need more fantasy fans."
CDRO: "Understood boss. This Salvatore guy is a fantasy writer, and the one we hired after we fired whats-hi

 

must...stop...reading...during...lunch...need...new...keyboard...after...spitting...up...Tazo Wild Orange...while...laughing....!!!!

Zaz -- words fail me. I kneeleth at thy feet out of admiration and awe at thy talent with prose. :-D

From Jade's Fire:
"Next on Behind the Books, we go inside a Vector Prime editing session."

While I am very, vey much looking forward to the next installment of the Emmy worthy "Behind the Books," isn't "Vector Prime editing session" an oxymoron?

 

Back at E.C.A. HQ ...

Wilt was actually feeling better. In the time that had passed since his high speed encounter with the waist high wook cub, he had been able to shake off all but a trace of his horrible ache. He also had most of his deliveries behind him and that was the best news of all. With only two more books to deliver, he'd soon be outside in the fresh air away from these kooks.

He and his burly Crank escorts arrived at the office of the one and only Princess Aleve. The security guards opened the door and led Wilt inside. The large 'office' was decorated like a room inside a medieval castle. There was the fireplace and oversized hearth, an ornate covered bed, bear skin rugs and all walls featured a rock face finish. Tapestries were hung as decoration and insulation on all the walls ... except for one. One wall was not graced with a tapestry but instead held every kind of edged weapon one could imagine. There were countless knives of all shapes and sizes, swords in over two dozen styles, a few cut-down spears and at least twenty exotic-looking pikes and polearms. Each looked very sharp was polished to a perfect sheen suggesting they were each taken down and oiled fairly frequently. This bit of fluff had a bite!

The Princess herself sat at a marble desk in front of a large mirror combing the long black hair that wound its way down to her waist. The young lady with alabaster skin was dressed in an elaborate, many layered pink gown of lace and a slightly sheer material that seemed to float and dance each time she moved. Although Wilt found her attractive, he dared not show it. A former deliver person, Sammy, had made that mistake once before and he served as an example to the rest of the delivery people at Zippity Doo Da. It seems Sammy got a little 'fresh' with the harmless appearing damsel and ended up spending several days in Arlington Hospital nursing an especially nasty slash wound. That was nearly a year ago but he still walked with a pronounced limp. And, from the scowl on his wife's face and her sour disposition at the last company picnic, many of the guys at the shop figured Sammy may be permanently impotent.

Aleve turned, and saw Wilt. "Dost thou have a parcel for me good man?" she inquired. As she shifted in her chair a picture on the desk behind her was revealed. It was that of a nerdy looking boy in his early twenties wearing a foolish grin. The name on it said "Darkly" something or other. Wilt couldn't quite make out the last name as the portrait had a dozen throwing knives sticking into it.

Wilt hated to talk to Princess Aleve so he spoke as little as possible as to lessen the chances he?d offend her in any way. He just couldn't make an honest attempt at old English so he finished every extra-polite sentence with "m'lady" which seemed to please her well enough.

"Yes, I have it right here, m'lady" Wilt said as he extended the hand gently holding the package containing the book while kneeling carefully before her. She rose from her desk, placed a silver tiara upon her head and strode regally to the delivery man and took the book from him.

"Thou shalt forever have my gratitude.? she said with a smile as she opened the package and began thumbing through the volume. Immediately, she began shaking her head. Something was wrong and the warm smile on Princess Aleve's face was rapidly being displaced by a disappointed frown. Sensing her mood was about to change for the worse Wilt began to back up quickly while still on his knees. This proved awkward and he nearly fell a number of times during the short trip to the door. His escorts helped him up once he made it outside the door and they quickly got under way. It was none too soon as thumping and crashing sounds punctuated with the occasionally angry shriek from the Princesses 'office' suggested she was having one of her legendary, and very un-lady-like, temper tantrums.

Only one more Crank to go ...

 

Meanwhile, in DewMomma's domain, amid the chaos of at least a hundred young sapients, a phone on a cluttered desk rang softly. 48 assorted cubs, kits and pups shouted "Phone's ringin' !" and 27 other little voices piped "I'll get it!" DewMomma swiftly snatched up the phone.

DM: DewMamma's Daycare, how may I help you?"
PL( in his best Drill Sergeant voice): This is Professor Leatherneck, Dew. Did you happen to see the latest addition of "Behind the Books" last night? About the novelization of Episode 2?
DMhedging a bit) Ummmm, last nite? Behind the Books you say? Ah gee, I.......
PL: Well DID you? The Emperor did...and as much as it pleased him, he's a bit worried about the effect the report will have in certain places. He'd like to know just how the information was leaked. And just how much proof the Emerald Flame has for those allegations.. It was Em wasn't it?
DM: Um... well Em wrote the final report, yes. But.....
PL: I thought I saw Wookiee paw prints all over the piece. Perhaps you and The Flame had better explains a few things.
DM: In Emperor Palindrome's office?
PL: Now, Dew, you know that no one but me has actually MET the Emperor, and at least for now, all messages to and from the Emperor go thru my office. So get over here on the double.
DM. The Flame's in the library, shall I transfer your call there?
PL (A bit of panic in his voice) What...Talk to EM on the PHONE???? You remember what happened last time don't you?
Look, Dew, ah... you call the Flame.....no one would DARE explode a Wookiee Mom's cell phone
DM: Oh you poor dear, are you still frightened of cell phones? Well now don't worry, dear, I'll bring Em to your office in 10 minutes.
(Hangs up phone and turns to cubs): Scruffy, Tandy, please go to the library and ask the Emerald Flame to come here.
Scruffy and Tandy: Grff, grau, rurofff
DM: Basic boys, please, how can you learn to be effective agents if you can't speak basic?
Tandy: <In barely understandable basic, like a normal human teen> Cripes Ma, howcome I gotta do allthe work ?round this place.
Scuffy <mimicking his older sibling, but in better basic> Yes, mother, why is it that we, mere cubs, are compelled to perform menial tasks.
DM: Go, now. Or no GameCub or holonet tonight.
Cubs: Yes mom.

 

The wookie cubs Tandy and Scruffy enter the library looking for Emerald Flame.

Tandy: "Where daya think Flamer is."
Scruffy: "Where else? Periodicals."
Tandy: "Huh?"
Scruffy: "Reading 'Conspiracy Monthly'"
(The two cubs go over to see Emerald reading the most current issue.)
EF: "What are you two up to?"
Tandy: "Mom pressed us into servitude again."
Scruffy: "Mother bade us to come and inquire if you would return with us."
EF: "What for?"
Tandy: "She never tells us."
Scruffy: "I think it has something to do with the Professor."
EF: "Oh. Umm. Okay. I guess he didn't like that I fried his Nokia."
Scruffy: "You blew up his cell phone?"
Tandy: (hopefully) "Cool, could you teach us how to do it?"
EF: "No. I don't share my tricks. Lead the way."
(Emerald and the two cubs go back to DewMomma's.)
EF: "What's up Dew?"
DM: "The Professor wants to talk to us."
EF: "Is he pissed I fried his Nokia?"
DM: "Yes, but that's not the issue."
EF: "What's up now?"
DM: "He's worried about your premature posting of the Episode 2 Behind the Books."
EF: "Oh, geez, he's such a tight***."
DM: "Language, Flame! This IS a Daycare Center, little humanoid ears, you know."
EF: "Sorry ma'm."
DM: "See that it doesn't happen again. The Professor's worried about proof and protecting our sources. You know how persistent the opposition is in getting out disinformation and attacking our positions."
EF: "I am careful."
DM: "Just humor him, dear."
EF: "Let's get this over with."
(They start to leave, when a half grown Noghri kit tugs on DewMomma's sleeve.)
DM: "Yes, Khuskhaskh?"
KH: "I decoded the message that Tandy got from the messenger he "ran" into. You were right, our source in DR's mailroom did plant something in the book that was just delivered to you, and several things on his person, but we didn't get everything when we frisked the guy when he got here. We need to search him again, there should still be a floppy disk and a matchbook with some micro film. What should we do?"
DM: Check with security and see where he is, then take a couple of cubs and waylay him. Take one of the young Gands with you, they're cute at that stage, he (or she, I never can tell) can crawl all over the guy while someone lifts the missing items."
KH: "Okay."
(They finally go down to Leatherneck's office.)
PL: "Flame, you owe me a phone."
EF: "Yeah, yeah, yeah! Same model as before?"
PL: "And don't hotwire it this time."
EF: "You're no fun!"
PL: "Now tell me about how you came to be in possession of the secret information you so boldly posted as your latest 'Behind the Books' feature."

DM: "Seems we have a "friend" at the Ranch, who somehow knew where to reach us. A CD-ROM was sent to The Flame disguised as an free Internet access offer."
EF: "When I tried the software and the kriffing thing didn't connect to the net, I thought it might be some intel."
DM: "The CD-ROM contained an audio file and video file on the Episode 2 meeting, and one text file."
PL: "Who is this "friend" at the ranch?"
DM: "We're not sure yet."
EF: "I put the CD through all my standard decrypts and forensic tests."
PL: "Did you find anything?"
EF: "The CD was cleaner than a hypochondriacs countertop. But the CD-ROM case turned up one, long, brunette hair."
PL: "Interesting."
DM: "We think so too." (to Flame) "Tell him about the text file."
EF: "The text file contained one sentence... "The New Order wanted you to have this.""
PL: "Very interesting indeed. How did this friend know how to contact you?"
EF: "As you know, I comb the web searching for conspiracy info under the name "The Flame"."
DM: "Our best guess right now is that this "friend" saw Flame out on the net, put Flame together with the ECA and took a chance."
EF: "At least one person at the Ranch can put 2 and 2 togther and come up with 4."
PL: "Excellent. We'll want to protect this source. (to Flame) Why did you post that this information came from a source called Epsilon?"
EF: "Don't worry. I was going to post the next bit of information was received from Delta Source. Then one from Lam

 

Meanwhile.....

Wilt and his escorts quickly and with a sigh of relief left the corridor leading from the Princess's enclave. On to the Emerald Flame's lair. The door to the Flame's office was closed, as usual, and the guard could see at once that the Flaming one was not at home, for the door was bolted from the outside. Three sturdy padlocks secured the door. Wilt insisted on knocking anyway and was about to leave the package by the door and flee the building having satisfied his conscience that he'd TRIED to deliver all the packages, it wasn't his fault one of the recipients was unavailable. But one of the burly guards said simply "Library" and proceeded to hustle Wilt down a long hallway to the cavernous Extremist Cranks library.

"Emerald Flame here?" one of the guards asked the young human at the desk by the doorway.
"Nope, was here, some cubs came and dragged the Flame to the daycare center."
"NO!" Wilt fairly shouted, "I won't go there again!"
"No need," the young man said," One of the cubs said that the Flamster and the Wook were being summoned to Prof. Leatherneck's office. And I wouldn't bother them there, if I was you, fella"
He turned to the escorts, "Why don't ya take the poor guy to the cafeteria for a cuppa coffee or something"
As Wilt and the guards left, the library kid spoke a single word into the intercom, "Cafeteria."

 

PL: "Now, continue your explanation of how you came to post the Episode 2 novelization undercover story."

EF: "Well, a few weeks ago..." <fade to> inside the headquarters of the Extremist Cranks Association, sitting behind a bank of computers is the mysterious Crankster, Emerald Flame. Flame has long, filthy blonde hair in a ponytail, and no trace of facial hair. Flame is wearing wire rimmed eyeglasses, a small earring in each ear, faded and ripped blue jeans, beat-up sneakers, and a B&W T-shirt with a photo of a flying saucer on it with the words: "Sure I believe, I just don't care!" Right now, Em is baiting would-be hackers who are trying to get into the ECA network via its unpublished, shadow website.

EF: (to the computer) "Oh, you're pretty good, but still a lightweight. The best hackers in the world can't get through my firewall. (laughing deviously) Say bye-bye."
(Em presses a button and shorts out the computer on the other end. There is a knock at the door.)
EF: "Go away." (the knocking continues. Flame checks the videocamera and sees a Wookie cub waiting at the door. Two minutes after all the door locks are disengaged, the cub enters.)
EF: "What do you want you furry little oaf?"
Tandy: "rrrooorl, woooof"
EF: "Emperor's Funny Bones, you know I don't understand you. I really need to learn that crazy language."
(Tandy starts waving what looks like the mail along with a CDROM.)
EF: "Oh, is that the mail?"
Tandy: "Rrrroooaaarrr." <Em knows that means yes>
EF: "Put it down over there."
Tandy: (reverting to Basic after seeing what Flame is doing) "Oh, cool, are you messing with hackers?"
EF: "Yeah, I just shorted out the last guy. The next one is stuck in an infinite loop I set up."
(Tandy thinks Flame is so "kewl" because Em zaps hackers and other "kewl" things. Em zaps the last hacker after getting bored, you can almost hear the yelps of pain on the other end.. Tandy is just standing there admiring the action.)
EF: (looks at the mail) "Ooo. Another free Internet offer. At this rate, we'll never pay for Internet service. Hand that to me would you."
(Chuckling, Em puts the CDROM in the computer and proceeds to extract more free minutes out of US Offline.)
EF: (to the computer again) "Zahn-darnnit, this kriffing CDROM doesn't work! What kind of free service is this?"
(Tandy ejects the CDROM, flips it over, and puts it back in again.)
EF: (sarcastically) "Geez, why didn't I think of that?"
(A welcome message pops up.)
EF: (to Tandy) "Not bad kid. Oh, Menace-doo! It's coded in your crazy wookie dialect!!"
(Tandy senses that Em is about to have a meltdown so splits immediately. Just then the phone rings.)
EF: "Rassem frassem, what now?"
(Em picks up the phone, it's the professor calling.)
EF: "Zahn-darnnit!! I told you not to bother me!"
(Em hits a button on one of the keyboards and fries the professor's cell phone)
EF: (to the computer, again) "Now I have to wade into DewMomma's wing to get help decoding this."
(Em puts on a flightsuit that has no outside pockets to thwart all those stray paws from lifting things. Em reaches DewMomma's Daycare. The Gand babies immediately start crawling all over Em, but the Wookie cubs stay away because Em is no fun.)
EF: "Geez, why do these things crawl all over me like this? Nothing I can do stops them."
DM: "They do that to all the oxygen breathers for some reason."
EF: (brushing off the Gand babies) "Dew, I need help decoding this CDROM. I think it's a new source."
DM: "You know Em, if you didn't spend so much time locked up in your lair thinking up conspriacy theories you could learn our dialect and wouldn't have to always come over here."
EF: "But, conspiracies abound, if I don't expose them, no one else will."
(DewMomma seems unconvinced.)
DM: "Alright, I'll help, But please, don't flick flames near the Gands, they are methane breathers, remember. Now where's this CDROM?"

<<Fade back to Leatherneck's office.>>

 

(Naboo: Han and co after over half a year of binge drinking and whoring are still happily perching in their favorite bar moaning about all the injustices they have suffered at the hands of BDD and DR)

Han: What about the time they had those Yetti-Nazi things torture me. The things they will do for publicity!

Luke: Well at least you came out a hero, saving the NR from yet ANOTHER huge threat. Every time they got me in a fight with someone else they had to seriously injure me in some way so the other person had a serious chance of beating me....

Jacen: (burps) Some SERIOUS chance. Everyone always knows you win out in the end. Even with your frequent dark side skirmishes.

Luke: (whining) But I almost lost my leg!

Han: (smirks) You could have gotten a matching black leather trouser leg to match the glove.

Anakin: Well try being the boy genius who absolutely has to solve every mechanical problem before a qualified professional does.

Han: Yeah, well when the boy genius screws up HIS repairs aren?t covered under my insurance policy. Try paying THOSE rates (glares at Itrakh .... er Luke)


<<<Chewbacca has been sitting back listening to this whingeing for far too long and eventually loses patience>>>

Chewbacca: Oh you poor little dears! Boy geniuses, saving the galaxy every other day. Poor little didums! Well at least you had a life. I get shoved off on Han in a pathetic white master - black slave variant, don?t see my family for twenty years, and get ABSOLUTELY NO STORY LINE. Tell me, why doesn't this much-vaunted Wookie life debt work both ways? (Points to Han) How many times have I saved that drunkard?s life? HE owes ME at least a couple of dozen life debts. Slave labor! I?m not even paid for my services. (Gets up) I?m out of here! This whole revolution was supposed to be because of me. Instead you?re all sitting around here moaning and groaning about how tough life is at the top. (Heads towards the door).

(Han, Luke, Jacen and Anakin all stare at each other blankly)
Jacen: (shrugs) Let him go. We don?t need him, we?re Jedi - the all-knowing, all-powerful omnipotent problem solvers. The Mr Fix-Its and Jack-of-all-trades for the galaxy.
Anakin: After an appropriate period of suspense of course.
Luke: (frowns) Do you think so? But we?re using Chewbacca as a martyr, a symbol of how evil DR is.
Han: Yeah, we will kind of lose credibility if he turns against us.
Anakin: (rolls eyes) Well I think he may have already done that.

(Han and Luke just look at each other for a moment and then chase after Chewbacca who is almost out the door. They tackle him ? with more than a little help from the Force ? tie him up and drag him back in)

Han: I save you from Wookie slavers!
Chewbacca: I saved you from the Storm trooper who was about to shoot you in the back after you killed those slavers!
Han: I saved you from that bounty hunter!
Chewbacca: I saved you from yourself! The number of times I had to fix up your ?repairs? and ?modifications? on the MF isn?t funny.
Han: (a little deflated after that last remark) Well you sure didn?t save me from marrying a politician!
Chewbacca: (sarcastically) From your free meal ticket for twenty years so no one would discover what a terrible smuggler you really are? Whatever your skills as a pilot might be, as a smuggler you stink!
(Han tentatively sniffs under his armpits and immediately tightly crosses his arms).
Han: (a little teary-eyed) I don?t like you any more.
Chewbacca: (sticks his tongue out at him)

 

Back on Earth, deep in the interior of the Extremist Cranks Association Headquarter, in Professor Leatherneck's office, DewMomma, the silver-furred Wookiee Mom, takes up the accounting of top secret information received from The Ranch:

DM: Well, we translated the CD-ROM and I have to tell you it was in a dialect that I hadn't seen since my days with Wookiee Intelligence.
PL and EF : Really?
DM: Yes, an ancient dialect no longer used, the last time I saw it, a "Wookiee Pride" group was using it to contact some agents working in the TV and movie industry. Trying to get rid of some of the "alien" stereotypes that were so common a couple of decades ago.
EF: I know about the dialect, I meant, were you really in Wookiee Intelligence?
PL and DM give the Flame a look.
PL: So you think your source may have ties to this group?
DM: Could be, I know we've...I mean, they've had people working with da Boss and that other guy for many years. But the thing is, THIS dialect hasn't been used since the mid 80's. The final memo I translated from Yoopwook was an attempt to get those sections of the SW Christmas Special concerning Chewie's family incorporated into the official cannon.
EF: So it's not one of the Wookiee agents and it's not from our usual source at the Ranch.
PL: Any ideas?
DM: My feeling is that it is someone close to the source, someone who was contacted by the agency years ago and who has decided to work for the agency again. The use of the older contact language and the new Wookiee Underground logo tend to support this view.
PL New logo?
EF: Yes, the underground, which has grown very active since last Fall, uses a stylized picture of what seems to be a Wookiee shaking a fist at a falling rock or something. I agree with DewMomma's assessment that we are dealing with someone who's been with da Boss for years and has recently join the ranks of the dissatisfied.
PL: Are you sure we are not dealing with a disgruntled employee?
DM: At the Ranch...come, come my dear professor, it's all one big happy family there. Seriously, we checked the information thru other resources and everything checks out. That list our source sent of potential Ep2 authors, with the exception of Zahn, agrees with various memos and interoffice e-mails we've intercepted.
EF: And there seems to be suspicious gaps in some of the e-mail correspondences I've intercepted. Like someone did a very thorough job of removing somebody from the usual address list. In fact I've uncovered a conspiracy to cover up the firing of an LFL employee. It's like this person never existed... I've got one of my contacts from TZLA working on it.
PL (to DM) TZLA?
DM (quietly) Tim Zahn Liberation Army.....conspiracy freaks of the 10th magnitude, but competent investigators who turn up good intel.
PL: So Flame, you are satisfied that this "source" is genuine?
EF: Yes and the voice analyzer IDed the voices on the transcript, and I can't find any evidence of tampering with the content.
DM: Can we go now Professor? I just received something new from our DR source that I need to turn my attention to.
PL: Of course. Have you had a chance to check out this lasted shipment from DR?
EF: What shipment,? I didn't get anything. Are you people withholding information? Why haven't I gotten anything? Huh?
PL: Cool down Flame, the messenger is probably on his way to your office..if he survived the delivery to Princess Aleve.
EF: (sheepishly) Oh, sorry. Well I'd better be getting back to my office then.
PL: Yes. Well, good work, you two. Keep it up. Dismissed.
EF: (to DM) Dismissed? Who does he think he is?
DM: Humor him, dear, humor him.

 

[Gawd, this thread has really morphed into something completely different, hasn't it? Not that I'm complaining, or anything...]

[FG, in answer to your questions:
1) Don't ski;
2) BJ gave you your nom du voyage; blame him. I was under the impression that a leatherneck is a WWII-era flyer that wears those leather caps. Maybe HE has you under surveillance--or more likely, EF does...**insert sabre-toothed smilie HERE**]


And now, back to the show!
Announcer: "Hey folks, remember how we enjoyed hearing the Del Rey Stooges sing ?Hey, Hey, We're the Flunkies'? So while the Professor gets settled, let's give the Cranks the opportunity to regale us with THEIR theme song..."
There is complete silence...
Announcer: "Um, you DO have one, don't you?"
Bjorn Borg looks towards DewMomma and Princess Aleve and shrugs eloquently...
Announcer: (cajolingly) "C'mon, now, even the NJO has a theme song..."
The Cranks all snigger helplessly...
BB: (to the Flunkies) "Yeah, guys, wanna sing it for us?"
This suggestion is received coldly by the Flunkies, who glower at the Cranks...
BB: "Okay...we'll do it for you..."

The Cranks:

"CRUSHYA! KILLYA! BEATCHA! SKINYA! POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYUB PONG!
Gotta great big dong!
YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYUB PONG!!!"*

CDRO: (horrified) "THAT's not the NJO theme song! The real one is like the Bulgarian National Anthem--hugely dull, with lots of rhymes like ?endure/secure' in it..."
BB: (simply) "We like this one better..."
Darkly Preposterous: "Get with the program, you losers!"
The Cranks: "Ooooooooooooooooo...."
BB: (to his confreres) "The mighty Darkly Preposterous has described us as losers, people. What have we to say to that?"
Princess Aleve mimes a tomahawk throw at DP, whose discretion overcomes his valor in double-quick time...he is seen hiding behind Anathema SkyPolo, who is whiling away the time by telling himself how brilliant he is (no one else will listen anymore...)
The three (visible) Cranks then gather in the center of the ring--

The Cranks (singing):

"We're four of the three musketeers...
We've been together for years..."
BB: "Eenie...
DM: "Meenie..."
PA: "Minie..."
Emerald Flame is still not visible on the horizon, but BB holds out his Nokia, which obligingly bursts into flame as a substitute for ?Moe')
All: "We're four of the three musketeers...
We fight for the King, for the Queen, for the Jack--
And we're first at the front
When the front's at the back
The foe trembles each time it hears
This marvelous motto ring in its ears
It's one for all and two for five
We're four of the three musketeers!
We've been together for years--"
BB: "Eenie..."
DM: "Meenie..."
PA: "Minie..."
EF: [Flaming Finnish phone]
All: "We're four of the three musketeers!"**

Annnoucer: "Hmmm...how--interesting. Quite Marxist..."
BB: (in his best BBC announcer"s voice, acquired at Wimbledon) "Quite."
A discreet raspberry is heard from the direction of the Flunkies....the Princess immediately looks around for something sharp to throw in their direction....Bjorn Borg and DewMomma are last seen not making the slightest attempt to restrain her...

* with apologies to JediSabre77
** with apologies to Kalmar and Ruby

 

The Emerald Flame, still in a huff over Professor Leatherneck's ?dismissal', had just unlocked the last of 3 padlocks on the office door when the sound of running booted feet and the pitter-patter of little paws rolled down the corridor. Quickly relocking all the locks, the Emerald Flame looked for a hiding place, then remembered the best hiding places were IN the office. But Zahn-darnit, it would take too long to unlock all the locks again. Well that was why the Flame had installed the mini explosives in the padlocks, wasn't it? A quick flick of a switch on the remote the Flame hastily drew from an inner pocket did the trick.
Once safely inside, the Flaming One spun the wheel and the 10 steel rods slid into place. Just in time it seemed, the particular, almost musical, laugh of a baby Gand drifted down the hall.

Now someone was banging on the door.

"Hey Flamester, open up, we got some delivery guy here," was the shout outside the door.
A quick look at the video monitor revealed two burly ECA guards and a very shaken messenger. Sensing that this was the delivery that all the other Cranks had gotten a LONG time ago, the Emerald Flame slowly opened the door, making a mental note to find out why everyone else ALWAYS got messages first...

Wilt, still reeking of methane from the Gand baby, looked thru the open doorway, about to hand the last package to the strange personage before him.
"Here's your package, Ma'am, er Sir...er, er... your honor"
Wilt's eyes searched the office for some clue to the Flame's gender but found none. Office was hardly the word for the place. Lair would be better. From his vantage point outside the Flame's door, a door that would have done a Swiss bank proud, Wilt could see that the walls were the original black obsidian. Along one wall is a bank of computers, servers, routers and hubs. Along another wall are about 20 surveillance camera TVs. Flame's desk faced the door and the bank of TV's. The top of the desk appeared to be a large piece of the same obsidian the building is constructed of. On top of the desk were 5 computers. He could picture The Emerald Flame scooting back and forth to using the rolling chair that sat behind the desk. Wilt's best guess was that the Emerald Flame was the computer nerd of the group and ran the local network A real nut about safety and security, too.
The harried messenger started to lean forward, to step thru the door, The guard on the right grabbed him and pulled him back. The other guard spoke,
"Yo Flame, turn off the field, will ya"
"Field?" stammered Wilt.
"Yep," The two guards went on to explain that along with the electronic locks, large steel pins, etc. Flame augmented the door with an electrical field so that even if the door is open, you still couldn't get in without suffering a heart-skipping shock.

The Emerald Flame, obviously torn between the need for security (Flame was suspicious of all men in uniform, even the security guards)-- and the burning desire to get the delivery Wilt had, began tossing balls at one of those mini-basketball hoops that sat over a 10-gallon trash can. The Flame, a frustrated B-ball player, often did this in times of indecision. The guards just waited, Wilt craned his neck to look deeper into the Flame's office.
Behind Flame's desk were several large bookshelves overflowing with books. Next to the bookshelves were several vintage arcade computer games and a pinball machine. A large, industrial strength paper shredder stood in the corner.
The fourth wall was completely blank. Ominously blank. Wilt fought the urge to flee, package undelivered.
Then, after sinking 10 mini-bball 3 pointers in a row, The Emerald Flame, mind made up, bounded to the doorway and thrust an arm thru the open door, disregarding the electrical field. The security field hissed and snapped, blue sparks ran up and down the Flame's arm. A crackling hand snatched the package from Wilt's trembling fingers.
Not waiting for the guards, Wilt bolted.
Fortunately the guards caught up with him before he hit the first sec

 

Professor Leatherneck walks into Bjorn Borg's office and sees the cyborg sitting in his cockpit chair reading a book with an awful frown on his face. A frown even more pronounced than usual.

Professor Leatherneck: "Hey Bjorn, whatch'ya doin?"

Bjorn Borg (still frowning, not looking up): "Reading this book I got in San Diego a week or so ago. It's by one of my favorite authors."

Professor Leatherneck: "Oh? What's it called?"

Bjorn: (glances at the cover) "It's titled 'how to alienate fans in 100 words or less'."

Profressor: "Sounds interesting. Is it any good?"

Bjorn: "Pretty depressing, actually."

Professor: "Oh. Um, so how soon are you gonna have your report ready? The Emperor is eager to find out what I.M. Salivating has been up to. He called my office a couple of times while you and Princess Aleve were out there snooping for info."

Bjorn: "Yeah, well, there's not too much to tell. Salivating is an odd combination of funny and phony. He mentioned wanting to write a 5th hardcover just to spite us. Other than that, he talked about his angry faerie character a lot ... Zzzzzit is its name, I think."

Professor: "Was he alone on the panel?"

Bjorn: "Nope, his keeper Stewart Baffled was there for moral support."

Professor: "No Sheila Slipshod?"

Bjorn: "Not this time."

Professor: "Oh, OK. I'll tell Emperor Palindrome the report is in the works."

And with that, the Professor walked out of the room and left the cyborg to his reading.

 

Artoo rolls in the the AU NJO rebellion's headquarters followed by a bearded man. Artoo tweetles his arrival.

Mara: "My maker, thank the Force!"
Luke: "Karrde it's so good to see you finally."
Mara: "I take it you got my message?"
Karrde: "Yes. And it's been a long, painful journey to get here."
Thrawn: "Some people don't seem to want you anywhere near this story."
Karrde: "Tell me about it."
Thrawn: "Well you've arrived just in time."
Mara: "We have a very important mission, suited exactly for you."
Karrde: "Geez, I just got here, can't I settle in first?"
Luke: "This mission is vital."
Thrawn: "Listen to our plan, I think you'll agree that it is very important you go as soon as possible."
(Karrde listens to the plan set forth by Thrawn, Luke, and Mara.)
Karrde: "You're right! I do need to go. Immediately."
Luke: "Take Wedge and Mirax with you just in case."

Out in a desert, on a planet 70% water, our heros walk up to a modest looking house. Wedge and Mirax scout the perimeter while Karrde goes to the front door and knocks.
MAS: "Talon, I mean Ti... I mean, Your Eminence. What brings you to my neck of the desert?"
Karrde: "We really need to talk, can we go in?"
MAS: "Sure, what can I get you?"
Karrde: "Nothing right now."
MAS: "Tell me, what brings you out out this far?"
Karrde: "First, you can drop those KJA-isms of repeating lines from the movies."
MAS: "Sorry."
Karrde: "Second, don't implicate me in your mistakes and webs of deceit."
MAS: "What are you talking about?"
Karrde: "That chat, you said you talked to me about Noghri names."
MAS: "So... I did talk to you."
Karrde: "Yeah, but I gave you 3 good names! You messed around with 2 of them."
MAS: "But I just interchanged two letters! They're still pronounced the same; that's what's important. Pronunciation. Did you like my addition?"
Karrde: "Must kill. How freaking obvious. Subtlety is not your strength."
MAS: "And You wanna buy her is any different?"
Karrde: "Yeah, it was cute, yours was just lame."

Karrde: "Finally, don't take your frustrations with Del Rey out on the fans."
MAS: "What do you mean?"
Karrde: "You're just pissed because Del Rey hasn't treated you like royalty or invited you back to the party."
MAS: "Yeah! You bet I'm pissed! I helped design the NJO. I should've gotten at least a hardcover! Or more paperbacks."
Karrde: "And you feel like the Overlords are pushing you out."
MAS: "They've taken control and turned it into pablum."
Karrde: "Is that why you wrote your essay?"
MAS: "Yeah. I don't want fans to think I'm to blame."
Karrde: "And you're regretting it now aren't you?"
MAS: "Um, somewhat. I really wanna write more stories."
Karrde: "Burning a lot of bridges lately aren't you? "
MAS: "Yeah, the Chief Overlord said he was black-listing me."
Karrde: "Welcome to the club."
MAS: "It stinks."
Karrde: "You get used to it. At least it doesn't stink of someone's rear end."
MAS: "Elitist!"
Karrde: "First Star Wars, then BattleTech. Think you can make it on your own now?"
MAS: "Yeah, I do. But, the money isn't exactly rolling in so I need to mend some fences."
Karrde: "Is that why you lashed out at the fans? To suck up?"
MAS: "They were calling me a liar."
Karrde: "No they weren't."
MAS: "Yes, they were!"
Karrde: (smacks him pretty hard) "Only the Lackeys thought that. Are you a lackey too?"
MAS: (shocked) "Hey!"
Karrde: "Tell me, Oh Mister-Always-Tell-The-Truth, if a woman you know asks you if she looks fat in her dress, do you tell her the truth?"
MAS: "Of course not."
Karrde: "And when you talk about VP and the process of the NJO, do you mention that {supply your own fantasy writer} was rejected as first choice for the kickoff book?"
MAS: "No, out of professional curtesy."
Karrde: "But you are retaining information aren't you?"
MAS: "Well, I guess so."
Karrde: "And do you tell everyone what you really think of Kevin Anderson?"
MAS: "Not in so many words."
Karrde: "Then, you're not telling the whole truth."
MAS: "But, I criticise big names like Clancy and Grisham publically."
Karrd