The NJO Humorous version: Part 2 of the VP humorous thread

The more LMMs the better.

I think introduced Killer and friends in the second last page (in the old system), of the first part of this thread.

You're in trouble JF. Your comment spawned a new Killer episode (What can I say? I have WAAAY too much time on my hands at the moment). I'll probably post it tomorrow.

------------

Naboo

Chewbacca has finally managed to tally up the number of life debts that the Skywalker/Solo family owes him so he has enslaved the entire group. Luke, Mara, Han, Jacen and Anakin are all wearing golden slave bikinis, have chains around their necks, and are currently trailing behind their new Master as he goes in search of the Pinto so he can seek revenge against Droma, the Ryn that has replaced him as Han?s partner in profic EU.


Chewbacca: (wailing in despair) It?s not fair! I make just as many smart-ass remarks as that fool. The only difference is that he says them in Basic.
Jacen: (whining) Chewie, I?m chaffing.
Chewbacca: Slaves address their owners as *Master*. And as for the bikinis, well think about how I felt having to wear only that bandoleer for decades.... Actually, do you think that?s why DR wanted to get rid of me? They didn?t like indecent exposure to so many younger readers?
Han: I never had any complaints.
Chewbacca: And that of course is why you traded me in for a younger, prettier, *human* model.
Han: And look what I got for my troubles ? three whining kids and a domineering wife.
Chewbacca: Well that domineering wife is the one who finances the Pinto?s constant ?upgrades?.
Han: Well it?s not like I didn?t share my good fortune around.
Chewbacca: Well that?s true. Anakin, I think it?s time you knew the truth. *I* am your father!
Anakin: Cool! When do I start developing the facial hair?
Han: *Cool* ???!!! Is that all you can say?
Anakin: Well it?s abundantly obvious that I didn?t inherit my mechanical genius from you.
Han: WHY YOU...!!!!
Anakin: You called me a whining kid half a minute ago! Do you really expect me to be upset? Hey Chewie, when we take over the EU, can I have a Death Star?
Chewbacca: As long as you use it responsibly.
Anakin: I?m going to blow up Corellia so we can stop this influx of arrogant morons! That one act alone will halve the number of drunkards and gambling addicts in the galaxy!
Chewbacca: That?s my boy! Han, maybe we can catch up with Waroo so we can tell him the good news. Being even half-human will be a huge advantage in profic.

Anakin, Jacen, Luke and Mara stare at Han in disbelief.

Han: (sheepishly) She was cuddly. Like an Ewok only bigger.

 

Chewbacca and his long-lost son are plotting how to retake the galaxy.

Chewbacca: At times like these I always ask myself, what would KJA do?
Anakin: Build another super weapon that is even bigger and badder than the last one!
Chewbacca: And what would MAS do?
Anakin: Incapacitate Luke, and send Corran and Rogue squadron in to save the day.
Chewbacca: So what would TZ do?
Anakin: Weaken or blind all the Jedi to the Force ? except Mara of course, as she will be revealed as the TRUE chosen one. She?ll fly in and save the day in an even more outrageous manner than KJA would have done!
Chewbacca: (so proud that tears have come to his eyes) My boy, you?ll go far!


Anakin: You?re not really my dad, are you?
Chewbacca: Sorry. It was a ploy of your mother?s and mine to keep him in the EU. He?s the poster boy of the Rebellion and New Republic. He?s also male and human. The minute he thinks that someone is after something of his, even if he doesn?t like it he will still act like it is invaluable to him. If Elegy had gotten cozy with Leia in DT, you can be sure that profic Han would currently be standing over her with a loaded shotgun rather than be taking off to the furthest corners of the galaxy with his latest best friend.
Anakin: The galaxy doesn?t have corners.
Chewbacca: You obviously haven?t seen the DR map of the galaxy.

 

Meanwhile, in another galaxy, later that same day...
Bob the LMM is sitting in Don Milagro's office, waiting for further instructions and examining the built models on the office wall, picking up some of them as he does so. Don enters, and Bob drops a model which was both particularly rare and excruciatingly difficult to build.
"Your- that's ok, I'll probably be able to find anothre one on Ebay, someday- your boss has said you don't have to go to Tibet. Instead you'll be checking at the retail level, touring around to every Wal-Mart in the country.
"With the actual Milner coupe?", Bob asks, salivating.
"That's the other thing." Don hands Bob a set of car keys; curiously, they have "GM" on them.
Bob goes out into the parking lot; there, in all it's glory, is Milner's Deuce Coupe. Very solidly chained to a trailer. Pulled by an equally yellow, but much scruffier, 1979 Chevette.
*I wonder how Hoppy's doing?*


*I wonder how Bob's doing?*, thought Hoppy as Tahi- Mara- MILLA brought forward a boy who looked like a cross between Draco Malfoy and something that lived under a rock.
"Hi, I'm Hoppy from LFL," she said, holding out her hand.
"I am Tal Something-Something of the Chosen. I do not shake hands with Underfolk. Or LMMs." Tal said, flatly. His shadowguard flipped Hoppy off.
*Well, this is just going swimmingly. They really did turn the bad parts of the Solo kids up to 11.*
"Be nice to me, kid or I'll blow up your implant!" Hoppy said.
"Hey, you can't do that! This is my hero journey; without me there's no story!"
"Do you know how easy it'd be for me to get Prince Ken, or Tash Arranda, or even one of DB's kids here, give him your ridiculous Sunstone, and tell everyone he's you!? Now get in the car!"
"Okay. But I call shotgun." Tal opened the door of Hoppy's gray Lumina, and-
"Wait a minute. Where'd this come from?" he said, pointing to the car, "There aren't supposed to be cars on this world!"
"The author's Australian. This is an American car. As long as there are no Australian cars around, we're safe," Hoppy said, obviuously straining to shut Tal up.
"Makes sense to me," he said as he got in. Milla got in back, Hoppy opened the driver's door and, after shooing Tal's shadowguard out of the driver's seat, started driving.

 

Episode I: The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side.


All the incarnations of Anakin Skywalker are sitting in their dressing room waiting for their next appearance in the NJO Humorous Thread.

Killer: So JF thinks I?m spooky, huh?
Vader: Well it obviously has something to do with the fact that when you tilt your head you really can see through one ear and out the other.
Padawan: Will you two stop it? What do you think you?re doing? Auditioning for Grump Old Men?
Vader: Boy, behold, *WE* are your future!
Padawan: Not if I can help it.
Vader: Ironically enough you do. YOU?RE the one who fell in that lava.
Padawan: At least I get lucky.
Vader: You?d be surprised how many people find this suit a turn on.
Padawan: Then of course they meet Killer.
Vader: Oh to be young and naïve again! Boy, you exist in the SW universe for two, and I do mean TWO, sole reasons: (a) to have kids; and (b) to fall in that lava pit.
Padawan: Not true!
Vader: Horny and clumsy are the two words that best sum you up.

Saint (The forgiven spirit of Anakin Skywalker at the end of ROTJ): Don?t worry, my child. It will all end eventually. Then you will become me!
Padawan: (sarcastically) Now there?s a *really* appealing option. No thanks, I?d rather have fun while I have the chance.
Vader: (muttering to himself) Which won?t be for much longer.
Killer: I can?t believe I?m saying this but the kid has a point.

(Saint, Vader, and Padawan all stare at him in astonishment)

Killer: Come on. The boy is clearly being used as a scapegoat to epitomise the evils of sex and teenage marriage. If he had become a monk, would the rest of us be here now?
Saint: No, we?d be in an infinitely worse place. (Points to Ani who has been beaten unconscious by Vader and Killer during their run-in at the Ranch)

Everyone shudders.

Vader: (whispers to Padawan) Nice save.

 

Episode II: Life is like MacDonald?s, they both end up in the same place.


Padawan and Vader are fighting again.

Padawan: I am so prettier.
Vader: Maybe. But no one is selling copies of your helmet for obscene amounts of money.
Padawan: You just wait until Episode II comes out! All the girls will be drooling over me.
Vader: *GIRLS* being the operative term. Prepubescent, screaming fans, regardless of gender, are more trouble than they are worth. They?ll dump you like an oily rag the moment the next big thing comes along and then you?ll be left being stalked by some psycho who failed to be appropriately brainwashed by their peers.
Padawan: Now I know you?re just jealous. They won?t dump me. I?ve got *TWO* movies. I?m no flash-in-the-pan. In twenty years time I too will have my eternally youthful face plastered on EU books to entice fans.
Vader: Half the girls are going to hate you because you?re in Star Wars and it?s just not cool to be obsessed with a sci-fi character. A fair few won?t give a toss about you, because quite frankly, if they *are* going to fixate on a Backstreet Boy, they?ll go with one of the originals. And a large portion of the rest will loathe you because of what you?re going to do to Amidala.
Padawan: That madwoman had it coming.

Vader, Killer and Saint cower in fear.

Vader: You?re a braver man than I. You?ll pay for that comment later, I?ll wager.

 

Episode III: Men really are the movers and shakers of the galaxy


**(BTW, that is the ONLY time I will EVER say that!)**



Vader and Padawan are ? you guessed it ? fighting *again*.


Padawan: I?m going to tell Palpatine on you!
Vader: Good luck! Killer here sent him on a loooong trip.
Padawan: I?ll find him! Whatever makes you think you could take over, much less run, an entire galaxy? The Emperor won?t stand for this sort of treasonable behaviour.
Killer: I?m sure. A pity then that he has joined the Rebellion.
Padawan: WHAT????
Killer: Palpy *and* his clones have joined Thrawn?s fleet to do battle against profic.
Padawan: That?s my Palpy! He has recruited his most loyal minions to reclaim his empire.
Killer: No, actually *he* is working for Thrawn - as part of a dancing troupe.
Padawan: You?re not serious? He?s the most powerful Sith Lord in galactic history!
Vader: I?ll ignore that slight on my own abilities.
Padawan: Emperor Palpatine is *not* a slave dancer.
Killer: That?s true. He is doing it voluntarily. Apparently he has rediscovered his true passion in life.
Padawan: I don?t believe you!
Killer: Well, you know what they say about frustrated artists!
Padawan: It?s not true! Where is Thrawn if he is leading this fleet?
Killer: They?re lost in the Unknown Regions. The BDD galaxy was three dimensional, but the DR galaxy is only 2 dimensional, with a fraction of the planets. Right now, Thrawn?s fleet is trapped in that fold between the two pages, about three millimetres down. And of course, being a mostly male crew, no one will get out and ask for directions.
Padawan: (jumps up) We MUST to save Lord Palpatine! To the Jedimobile!

Padawan runs towards the dressing room door, but soon realises that no one else has moved.

Padawan: (nearly hysterical) COME ON!!! Palpatine is in trouble. We must save him.
Killer: He?s a Sith Lord, for crying out loud! If anyone needs saving, it?s Thrawn from Palpy?s chronically bad jokes.
Vader: (shudders in horror) And what about his singing?
Padawan: I *DON?T* believe you!
Vader: Fine! Be that way. You?ll find out soon enough. Besides, don?t you think you?re being overly optimistic thinking you can actually run off to save Palpy? I seriously doubt Amidala is finished with you yet.

It is Padawan?s turn to shudder in horror.

Padawan: (grabs Vader by his shoulders) *Please* Don?t send me back there. That woman is a madman.
Saint: That should be mad *woman*.
Vader: I believe Amidala would say that the term madman would be more correct as a woman driven to insanity is generally done so by a man.

Everyone turns to stare at Padawan

Padawan: That?s not fair! We don?t even know what happens yet! You have to wait for Episodes II and III.

 

Episode IV: Death and Fashion ? Synonyms For Force Users.


Yep, still fighting ...

Padawan is trying to arrange his Jedi robes.


Padawan: @#$% I HATE these bloody robes!
Vader: That?s why I turned Sith. You can put on the uniform in under an hour. Except for that damn cloak. It?s always choking me.
Killer: Which is why I took off the helmet at the end of ROTJ. I was better off dead than enduring that constant stress over my wardrobe. When I joined the Jedi and Sith, I don?t recall signing any clauses specifying we had to dress up in these party clothes. Why bother? Is it an on-going trial to test our endurance, self-suffering and masochism, or an easy way to convert Jedi to the Dark Side?

Padawan: (still struggling to colour coordinate all the different layers) I think I *would* look kind of cool in black.
Vader: You mean you would have if you hadn?t fallen in that lava pit.
Padawan: It wasn?t my fault!
Vader: Oh really? Are you suggesting a JEDI pushed you?
Padawan: You?re the one who keeps going on about how attractive everyone finds you. So why are you constantly picking on me for not being hideously deformed?

Vader waves his hand at Killer who promptly sticks his head ? or what?s left of it ? in Padawan?s face.

Padawan cringes.

Vader: (speaking sweetly) And it gets even better than that, boy. You may get lucky, but you had better store those memories away for future use because that will be *all* that you ? and us - are ever getting.

Vader waves his hand at Killer again, but this time Killer isn?t having any of it. Instead he and Saint grab Vader from behind and give the old man a wedgy.

 

Episode V: The Jedi Strikes Back


Vader and Killer are back doing their favourite past time ? annoying Padawan. The evil duo are standing in front of the poor kid examining his face intently.


Vader: (Throws his hands up in the air in frustration) No, no, no, NO, *NO*! The scar on the left side of the face should begin a few centimetres perpendicular to the eye, travel diagonally down to the top of the cheekbone, before plunging horizontally to the jaw.
Killer: What?s wrong with the scar we currently have?
Vader: This one will give us a more dashing, debonair, and suave appearance.
Killer: You?re delusional! You know that, don?t you? We could look like Harrison Ford ten years ago and it still wouldn?t do us any good.
Vader: You?re such a "the helmet is half-empty" sort of person. If we?re going to be hideously scarred, we may as well do it in style.
Killer: Hang on a minute ...
Vader: If you really want. But I?m warning you, with this respirator, there?s no guarantee that I?ll survive.
Killer: We?re not in profic anymore.
Vader: Well DUH!
Killer: So Darth Genius, not only can we get plastic surgery, but also a serious bacta session to get our lungs fixed up. Bacta the miracle drug is the Star Wars equivalent of the Star Trek Transporter. There is no problem too great or too small it cannot fix.
Vader: Damn I?m good!
Killer: Hey! *I* was the one who thought of it!
Vader: You *are* me. Don?t quibble.


Saint interrupts Killer and Vader?s excited prattling.

Saint: You can?t get plastic surgery.
Killer and Vader: *WHY*??????
Saint: Because you?re evil.
Killer: I killed the Emperor.
Saint: But I was the one who was forgiven.
Killer: And what did it get you?
Vader: Yeah, what DID it get you?
Saint: Eternal salvation, inner peace and harmony, greater ...
Vader: (interrupting) So why are you here instead of sitting on some cloud with Oafy-Wan and Yodel?
Saint: (Suddenly gets uneasy) Well, it was out of concern for my significant others.
Vader: Sure it was.
Killer: I though Jedi didn?t lie.


Saint is getting *very* uncomfortable as he is unable to provide a satisfactory explanation.


Padawan sneaks up behind Saint and pulls a scroll out of his back robe pocket. He unwinds the scroll with a flourish to reveal the following:


**************************************************
Jedi Rehabilitation Council for the Reformation of Jedi turned Sith turned Jedi.

The following tasks must be completed before full reinstatement to the Jedi Order is permitted:

(a) Write out ten thousand times: "Fear, anger, aggression ? the dark side of the Force are they"

(b) Read "Proper Force Using: Old Theories, New Truths", by Darth Edaj Aram.

(c) Kill Mara Jade. *It is the only way.*

**************************************************

 

The LMM and CDRO have just gotten back from Del Rey's warehouse and are currently discussing possible ways out of a serious problem they've discovered.

LMM: "Can you believe those stacks of Vector Prime paperbacks still in your warehouse?"
CDRO: "Paperbacks, didn't you see all those VP hardcovers still in the corner?!"
LMM: "Yeah, I noticed. The question is, what are we going to do about it?"
CDRO: "Well, we gotta do something fast. Those books are just sitting around gathering dust ..."
LMM: "... and moisture, mold, mildew, rat feces ..."
CDRO: (wistfully) "I really thought that Vector Prime would sell as well as Zahn's original trilogy."
LMM: "Is THAT why you printed way so many books?"
CDRO: "Hey, I printed that many because YOU promised huge sales in reaction to your massive marketing plan."
LMM: "I guess many of the Zzzzit fans don't care about Star Wars at all and didn't even bother to buy the book even though their favorite author wrote it. Besides, we hyped it enough, didn't we?"
CDRO: "Oh, it's all Darkly's fault! He's the one who e-mailed me requesting we get RAS to kick off this half-baked series."
LMM: "You're not suggesting we should have picked someone the majority of the readers requested, are you?"
CDRO: (incredulously) "Are you kidding? RAS was the only writer with a known name who could've churned out a book so fast. Besides, the readers will like who we TELL them to like."
LMM: "Yeah, that worked well ... and your cluttered warehouse PROVES it. It's bad enough that we're gonna have to dump all those VP hardcovers in the bargain bins, but now we've got a glut of paperbacks that aren't selling, this is intolerable."
CDRO:"I know, I know, but we've already been giving some away at the conventions."
LMM:"Um, won't the 'conners think that is odd?"
CDRO:"Naw. Nobody questions free stuff."
LMM: "OK, but did you see the SIZE of that pile? We've got enough books for a THOUSAND conventions. We need another plan."
CDRO: "Yeah, I know. I have to make room for all of Brooks' "Shannara" books that we're reissuing."
LMM: "How's that going?"
CDRO: "Things are selling well enough. Mostly to young Menace fans. The adult readers aren't interested though."
LMM: "So, you're pleased that assigning him the TPM novelization brought in more readers to his other books."
CDRO: "Mildly so, but I want more, more, more!"
LMM: "Maybe assigning RAS the EP2 novelization will have the same effect."
CDRO:"I'm hoping. We need a way to get more people hooked on the NJO so they'll buy the next 20 books we have coming out. We've got another 4 years of this junk planned and I'm not ready to retire yet. (Pauses) Hey, what about strong-arming the retailers into accepting the books if they want some of our better titles?"
LMM: "Nope, Da Boss likes to save strong-arming for movie ticket prices, the length of time theaters are forced to play his movies, video and DVD sales ... you know, things that actually MATTER to him. It helps feed his god-complex when he gets personally involved and he'd never get involved with promoting the books.
CDRO:"Hmmm ... I suppose we can make deals with the chainstores. You know, give them really cut-rate deals, maybe half our usual price. Then let THEM worry about warehousing the excess books and how to get rid of them."
LMM:"Exactly, shift the burden down the line."
CDRO: "Then, once the stores have the books, we can send Darkly Preposterous and his apostles out to each location so they can place VP in high-profile locations like the 'new releases' sections. Maybe the dimbulbs that actually read this stuff will be fooled into buying another copy?"
LMM: "Brilliant, I wish I had thought of that! Even if the stores refuse to order more copies of the book we can use them as filler material in upcoming shipments. Once the stores have them on site, it'll be up to our stooges and their nerdy cohorts to make sure they get top-shelf exposure."
CDRO: "Sounds like a plan. I have some calls to make ..."

And with that, the CDRO shuffled off to his office to put the scheme in

 

Wal-Mart
Power Cable, Nebraska
7:35 AM
Bob the LMM, who incidentally bears no resemblance to any living human, pulls up in front of the store in his Chevette/Milner coupe rig. He then goes inside and emerges a second later with an armload of model '32 Fords. Behind him, the Wal-Mart Greeter runs, huffing
"HEY!!-wheeze- Just wait-wheeze- a minute! What-wheeze- are you doing- wheeze- with those?
Bob replies; "I'm from LFL quality control. I'm here to check 'em against the real thing."
WMG- "Not until-wheeze- the manager-wheeze- gets here!
As Bob gets back into the Chevette tow car, the WMG lights a cigarette, then a second one (to smoke while holding the first one). She throws the match over her shoulder. It lands in the (real) Milner coupe, setting the upholstery on fire as Bob drives away, oblivious.
**************************

E-Z Rest Motel
Somewhere on the Dark World
Noon (or is it midnight? Who can tell?)

Hoppy was attempting to channel-surf, without much success; the TV was just a big Sunstone in a woodgrain-plastic box. Tal and Mar- Tah-, oh, the GIRL were off doing... whatever they were supposed to be doing, in the Castle- Hoppy had tuned out when the words "crazy uncle", "sewers" and "giant,garbage-eating spiders" were mentioned- while the Scholastic Overlord assigned to this project was doing his laundry in the next room. All the other rooms in the motel were empty. Really, who'd want to visit this place?

SO (entering) Hey, Hoppy, want to get a pizza?
HOPPY (bolting upright) Pizza? Here? On the Dark World? How do they grow the ingredients?
SO- What?
HOPPY- Well, let's review. One. No light reaches the ground. Two. The Icecharlies or whatever have no agriculture whatsoever-they live entirely off those giant seal things.
SO- Icecarls and Selski; speaking of names, why do you have one and I don't?
HOPPY- Ahem. Three. The Chosen have all the light BUT they don't do any work; the Underfolk do all their dirty work but they do it in darkness. Four. We know they have baked goods in the Castle- and since you mentioned names, have you ever seen so much we-cant-think-of-a-good-name-so-let's-just-capitalize-a-common-noun? - anyway, where does the grain come from?
SO- I don't KNOW! I just want to get this series running smoothly so I can get reassigned to "Harry Potter"!
HOPPY- And I to NJO. Now, about that pizza...
**************

I-13
Power Cable, Nebraska
8:00 AM

As Bob looked at the smoldering, waterlogged remains of the one-and-only, original Milner Coupe that even still, the firefighters were going over, he could only wonder whether those rumors of Da Boss and Force lightning were true...
**************

Meadow Carmella-Tony's House Of Authentic Italian-Chosen Cuisine
Castle of Light
The Dark World
Just after the lunch rush

*The only thing I don't like about this planet*, thought Hoppy, *Is everything. Except this pizza.*
If you, Gentle Reader (and the singular is probably accurate, if not optimistic, at this point), have ever had really, really, REALLY good pizza, you'll know what Hoppy's going through.
But it's 1:08 AM and I hardly know my own name. So I'll let Hoppy and the SO enjoy their meal. Considering what's coming up for them, they'd best bring a doggie bag...

 

Back to the Smackdown Palace site, and the wrestling tag-team match between the Del Rey Flunkies and the Extremist Cranks' Association...the Cranks have just sung their theme song, "We're Four of the Three Musketeers" to a somewhat underwhelming response from the Flunkeys (i.e. a chorus of razzberries). Suddenly, the Chief Del Rey Overlord and the Lucasarts Marketing Minion, usually content to spectate (only cheating here and there, when it's called for), feel a need to consult with their ultra-Flunkey himself, Darkly Preposterous...they motion him over to the sidelines...
Darkly Preposterous: (mutinously) "What NOW?"
CDRO: "Darkly, we have a problem--"
DP: "I'm just about to kick some Crank @ss! Don't bother me!"
LMM: "This is important! It's about the Lit Forum..."
DP: (scowling) "What about it?"
CDRO: "It's moribund--or haven't you noticed?"
DP: "Whaddyeyamean?"
LMM (sotto voce to CDRO): "He's no dumber than a bag of hammers, but he's no smarter, either..."
CDRO: (patiently) "Not too many people are posting, Darkly."
DP: "Lots of people are posting!"
CDRO: "I mean, that aren't you and your aliases...the turn-around on the first page averages three to four hours. I mean, it's getting as bad as ?Costuming and Props.'"
DP: "What's your point?"
CDRO: "Darkly, we use the Lit Forum to promote our product. And if people don't post, and don't read, we don't achieve our purposes..."
DP: "So?"
CDRO: "Well, Darkly, what do you think we grease your hairy little palm for? It's not ?cause we love your looks, or anything--"
LMM: "We need an audience, Darkly."
DP: "You've got one!"
LMM: "A bigger audience. We've done a little polling, and the biggest complaint the forum users have is about you..."
DP: "ME?"
LMM: "Yeah, you. They claim that your ego causes you to drive posters off..."
DP: "It's a lie! I MAKE that forum! The posters love me!"
CDRO: "Then who's this JediSword88 kid? There were a lot of complaints about that..."
DP: (virtuously) "He was promoting smut! I had to censor him!"
Anathema SkyPolo: (who has been listening to this) "What a crock--you banned him ?cause you thought he was more popular than you were. How many times has THAT happened? When a couple of forum weenies suggested he should become an administrator, I knew it wouldn't be long, and sure enough... "
Darkly leaps for ASP's throat, and is restrained by LMM...
CDRO: "Boys, boys, behave yourselves...Then there've been complaints about your credibility...they complain that you're our flunkey..."
DP: "I AM your flunkey!"
CDRO: "Yeah, I know. But it shouldn't be so obvious..."
DP: (eagerly) "Didn't you read that thread I posted? The one where I said I thought Lucasarts was out to get me ?cause I dissed McCallum?"
The Stooges (singing--a cappella): "He's a Rebel, and he'll never, never be any good..."
DP: (agog at his own audacity) "That was almost Crank, wasn't it?"
The Stooges (singing): "He's a Rebel, and he never, never does what he should..."
ASP: "That thread was just to promote that utterly lame-o web-site of yours, what's it called? Oh, yeah...'Star Wars Humor For Dummies'..."
DP: (to ASP) "Shut UP!!! (to CDRO and LMM) "Look, I know I'm misunderstood. I mean, being fabulous isn't easy...but I just HAVE to keep the Lit Forum pure...after all, it has to be worthy of me..."
A microphone drops from the ceiling, and Darkly moves to the center of the ring for his solo. The cowardly Cranks can be seen cringing and begging the Professor for ear plugs...he magisterially ignores their utterly craven behavior...

Darkly: (singing, if you can call it that):

"As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list--I've got a little list
Of forum offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who enumerate my gaffes?
All people who receive my posts with nasty, craven laughs?
All posters who are up in dates, and floor me with 'em flat?
All persons who, in posting posts, ignore my diktats

 

Just felt like upping it...

 

Episode VI: He had it coming.


The interrogation of Saint regarding his mysterious reappearance and more importantly his reconstruction continues.


Vader: (pointing at Padawan) After everything that little snot did, how did you manage to cut yourself such a sweet deal? Yoda and Obi-Wan look exactly as they did when they died and you get a full facial and lung reconstruction.

Padawan: Hey! All I did was go darkside. You?re the one who did all those naughty things for Palpy.

Vader: What things? Name me one truly evil act that BDD or DR have ever had the guts to attribute to me? Out of sight, out of mind. I may have wiped out the Jedi, but it all happened off screen. Moreover, Episode I showed that the Jedi deserved what happened. As far as LF is concerned I?m just another poor, misunderstand boy from the wrong side of the Rim who was pushed over to the Dark Side by a woman.

Padawan: (pointing at Saint) And then you become *him*. A badly disguised Christian allegory showing that no matter how badly you behave in life, a quickie conversion right before you cark it will spare you from eternal damnation.

Killer: Odd how in a galaxy so far, far away, the afterlife ? which is apparently only available to Jedi - so closely resembles that presented in a certain over-hyped book.

Saint: As a Jedi, your underhanded insults do not bother me

Killer: Then tell me, however did you manage to gain 20 kilograms *after* dying?

 

Episode VII: Death Eaters, Sith and other mysteries.


As Saint is impervious to the taunts of his former selves, Vader has decided a different approach is in order.


Saint is reciting the Jedi Code:

Peace over anger.
Honor over hate.
Strength over Fear.


Vader: You know, I think the old boy is technically in breech of copyright.

Killer: Why?

Vader: Well, that is the *Scholastic* Jedi code. And since Saint made his sole appearance in the EU in the BDD series, he should be using their code.

Killer: Which is?

Vader:
There is no emotion; there is peace,
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no death; there is the force

Killer: KJA?

Vader: Don?t worry. When DR decide to mention the Jedi code, I?m sure they?ll come up with a new one all of their own.

Padawan: You?re not nearly as smart as you like to pretend. Here you are whining about DR ignoring you when you are currently experiencing a rebirth over at Dark Horse.

Vader: Yeah, I know. But did you see that Death Star story? They made me scared of Tarkin! And then in that Dark Woman story not only did I have to kill an old woman, but she was half-naked when she was fighting against me! She was what - 60+ years old? That is *definitely* taking the fan boy obsession with naked women a step too far.

Padawan: Well, what about Scholastic?

Vader: Have you read the Jedi Apprentice books lately? Scholastic is so busy promoting Harry Potter, they?re ignoring the quality of it?s other publications.

Padawan: So what about trying out for Harry Potter. You know, make the transition out of Star Wars and become a "serious" character.

Vader: Like MAS?

Padawan: Yeah.

Vader: It?s not a bad idea. But don?t you think I would end up like KJA? Attaching myself to a previously successful series and slowly leeching the life out of it.

Padawan: I didn?t mean for you to be a writer, just an actor. That merely involves acting out the dribble, not creating it.

Vader: So what sort of roles have they got going?

Padawan: I think the chief villain in Harry Potter is perfect for you since he looks horrific and is diabolically evil.

Vader: Officially I?m offended. But I?m listening. . .

Padawan: He is the ultimate Dark Lord. His name is Palp... er... Voldemort... um... *He who can not be named!* He was sort of dead, but has recently come back to life.

Vader: Yuck! Palpatine in Dark Empire.

Padawan: He has lots of traitors, spies and turncoats working for him.

Vader: Palpatine in Episodes I, II, III, IV, V AND VI.

Padawan: He destroyed the parents of the hero.

Vader: Palpatine in Episodes IV *AND* II.

Padawan: And is about to give the hero a hell of a beating.

Vader: We are talking about a different Universe aren?t we?

Padawan: (checks his notes) I?ll get back to you.

 

Still in the Skywalker dressing room.


Suddenly a large bell sounds. Padawan cringes and starts searching around frantically for somewhere to hide.


Saint: Intermission is over. Let the games begin!

Vader: (addressing Padawan) You can run, but you can?t hide.

Padawan: Watch me.

Killer: It is unavoidable! It is your *DESTINY!*

Padawan: Please don?t send me back to that woman!

Killer: It?s got nothing to do with us. It?s just a lame literary device to remove you from the main action.

Padawan: (as he vanishes back to Amidala?s palace) NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!


Vader and Killer are returned back to the underground labyrinth beneath the Ranch.

Vader: (Looking around) No Ani? I feel better already.
Leia: (still rearranging her hair in a manoeuver begun in her dressing room) Are you two quite done? That . . . *thing* was obviously put down here to guard something. We need to find out what.
Killer: Well as soon as you two have finished sprucing yourselves up, maybe we can find out.


Several hours later . . .
Vader: I?m tired.
Leia: Tough
Killer: I need to go to the toilet.
Leia: You should have thought of that during intermission.
Vader: I?m hungry.
Leia: You can?t even eat.
Killer: But I can.
Leia: So you?ll starve.
Vader: How did we get such a horrible daughter?
Leia: You?re a Sith Lord. What did you expect?
Killer: Well, actually . . .
Leia: Will you two shut up? I?m supposed to be the annoying one.
Killer: You are!
Leia: So you be in charge. Figure out where we should be going.
Killer: Easy! (Chooses a direction at random and starts walking)

After five minutes
Leia: Are we there yet?
Killer: No.
Leia: Are we there yet?
Killer: No!
Leia: Are we there yet?
Killer NO!
Leia: Are we there yet?
Killer: (pauses for a moment then tries a different tact) Well . . . actually we are. (He yanks open the nearest door that is unfortunately labelled *WASTE MANAGEMENT*, throws Leia in and slams the door shut.

Silence

Vader presses his ear to the door.

More silence.

Vader: Aren?t you worried?

Killer: Are you kidding? She?s a politician. Lock her up in a room full of Pong and they?d commit mass suicide just to escape her.

Suddenly the door opens. Leia appears with an enormous grin on her face.

Leia: Are you coming in?
Vader: Well, we thought we?d let you investigate first.
Leia: I have. You?re not going to believe what I?ve found!

Vader and Killer enter the room tentatively. In the centre of the room on a pedestal sits a large cloaked object.

Leia removes the cover with a flourish.

Vader: We?ve won!
Killer: There?s no way the EU can stand against us with this in our possession!

Leia: What is it?
Vader: You?re the one who found it. Don?t you know what it is?
Leia: Sure I do. It?s THE original copy of Heir To The Empire. The book that while not the first EU work, is certainly the one that set the standard for this dribble.
Killer: But you don?t know its significance?
Leia: Which is?
Vader: It is a Temporal Character Magnet.
Leia: A what?
Vader: You know how in *Onslaught* Mara went to Dantooine to recuperate, and coincidently that was the next planet in the Pong invasion route, so the rest of the gang coincidently ended up there as well for a great big reunion?

Leia: So? That happens in every book. There are all these seemingly isolated threads until the climax where everyone is brought together.

Vader: Precisely! Only that doesn?t happen by accident. It is caused by the Temporal Character Magnet which is strategically placed at the final point of action so all the characters are gradually drawn to it over the course of the book or series.

Leia: Is there a speed option on it, because it didn?t draw me nearly fast enough during that Black Fleet Trilogy crap?

Vader: Author?s discretion.

Leia: So why is this useful to us?

Killer: Don?t you understand? The EU will come to a grinding halt without it. Imagine how differently the Pong invasion will work out if the Temporal Character M

 

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch, the CDRO and LMMs are agonising over the latest in their ever-ending string of dilemmas.


LMM: We?re talking about an entire galaxy! An enormous, three-dimensional entity - height, width, and depth. And what is all this nonsense about cutting off hyperspace routes? GO AROUND!!!! Under! Above! Left! Right! ANYTHING!!!! It sounds terribly dramatic, cutting off the Empire, NR and Hapes from each other, but if you spend even a moment?s thought on the matter it is so shallow it is insulting. What sort of message is this sending out to our readers? That we think they?re witless morons, incapable of stringing a coherent thought together without our assistance?

CDRO: I should certainly hope so!

LMM: There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of planets in the galaxy. Don?t you think this ?Take the galaxy a planet at a time? approach is a little comical. Even when the Pong overrun Coruscant, there are still going to be an infinite number of planets out there that won?t have been touched,

CDRO: LMM, you?re THINKING again! We?ve talked about this before. You?re supposed to look at it from the fans? point of view.

LMM: But . . .

CDRO: No ?buts?. I paid good money for this series and I?m not going to bog it down in reality. Now, moving on to more important matters . . .



Suddenly the doors (which bear an eerie resemblance to the gates in Jurassic Park) burst open and in the midst of a swirling cape parades the Dark Horse Dynamo (DHD).


CDRO: Oh no!

LMM: What does HE want?

CDRO: Probably to gloat as usually. It could be worse though. It could be the Scholastic Supremo.


Right on cue, the aforementioned Scholastic Supremo (SS) appears to the tune of the as-yet-unwritten Harry Potter movie theme.

CDRO grits his teeth and tries to rearrange his rather shabby suit.

LMM?s jaw is hanging open in awe and amazement.



Once the smoke dissipates from the destruction caused by their entrances, the DHD and SS quickly espy each other. With narrowed eyes the pair circle each other. DHD throws some Force Lightning at SS who immediately counters by jumping on his broomstick and covering himself in the Cloak of Invisibility.


After several minutes CDRO becomes bored with watching SS torment DHD by repelling the Force Lighting AND ramming into him at unpredictable angles.


CDRO: STOP THIS AT ONCE!

SS: Why?

CDRO picks up a copy of *Goblet of Fire* and walks over to a conveniently positioned fireplace.

SS: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Think about what you?re doing! You?ll be depriving some poor child of a truly remarkable book.

CDRO: Serves them right. You shouldn?t have deliberately showed us up like that by making the book over twice as long as the previous three. It made us look like complete idiots for cancelling Siege and still producing a book full of plot holes.

SS: Well considering the pathetic size of our JA books, I don?t see what your problem is.

CDRO: A year ago people were complaining about the size of the JA books. Now they?re just complaining about the books themselves.

SS: So what? I make more money from one Harry Potter book than you have from the entire NJO.

CDRO: Have you stopped by merely to exchange insults, or was there something you wanted to say?

SS: I just dropped by to warn you . . .

CDRO: . . . that with no new HP book for at least a year, you?re in serious financial trouble - unless you rush through the paperback version of HP4?

SS: (glares at CDRO) I?m amused. Really. Here you are facing the most potentially devastating tragedy in the SWU and you don?t even know about it.

DHD: (pushes his way past SS) It doesn?t affect me.

SS: Of course not. You don?t have plots in your juvenile comics.

DHD: Nobody has ever complained.

SS: That?s because they?re too busy staring at the scantily clad women.

DHD: A tact that is so successful that the CDRO has used it on the BP cover.

SS: Stop gloating. The principal Temporal Character Magnet ha

 

Meanwhile, back on the planet that must not be named . . .


Anakin: Where?s grandfather?

Chewbacca: I?m not sure . . . How long has he been gone?

Everyone looks confused.

Luke: I have a bad feeling about this.

Han: Hey, that?s my line!

Mara: Is your bad feeling a Force-induced feeling, or due to the extreme rash you?re developing around your bikini-line?


Luke: (hopping up and down in discomfort) Chewie! This hurts. Make it stop.

Chewbacca: No!

Luke: Please?!

Chewbacca: NO!

Luke: PLEASE!!!!

Chewbacca: NO!!!!!

Luke: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PLEEEEAAAAASSSSSSSSE!!!!!!!

Chewbacca: Fine! Just *SHUT UP*! Go and change out of the pants. (cuts Luke off before he can ask the next obvious question) NO! You have to leave the top on.

Luke: (grins cheekily) Who said anything about taking it off?


Luke runs off to change.


Chewbacca: (addressing Mara) How do you live with him?

Mara: (rolls her eyes and indicates upwards) How do you think I married him in the first place?


Jacen: You?ll be in trouble when Grandfather gets back. It?s not wise to upset a Sith.

Chewbacca: What makes you think he?ll be upset?

Jacen: I?m his eldest grandson!

Chewbacca: And a whining little brat. Why do you think he left you here? And what precisely do you think he left the Dead Zone to do in the first place? It certainly wasn?t for a touching family reunion! He barely said a dozen words to you.

Anakin: Most people don?t even say that much to him if they can at all help it.

Jacen: I?ll tell Dad on you!

Anakin: Go ahead! (looks up at Chewbacca innocently)

Chewbacca: Jacen, be nice. As my son, Anakin inherits all the life debts owing to me.

Jacen: @#$% *&^% *@#$

Mara: We?re doomed.

 

Meanwhile, back in the Profic EU Dyp and Corran are having a fitting with their latest sponsor.


Dyp: Do you really think black makes my butt look big? I always thought it gave me that dark and dangerous look.

Couturier: It does, but with this increasing hostility towards the Jedi, that isn?t quite the look you should be going for. Yellow will give you a more melodious look. And it will match your purple lightsabre.

Dyp: I?m g1ad you let me keep the colour. A royal colour is important for one who is the new leader of the Jedi.

Corran: That?s what you think little boy. Didn?t anyone tell you to show more respect to your elders. OOOOOOOhhh! I want the dark brown robes!

Couturier: Sorry. You have to wear green.

Corran: Why?

Dyp: So when I declare you an outlaw you can go and hide in the Iffy forest with your merry men.

Corran: I think I burnt down the Iffy forest. Or I was responsible for it. I?m not entirely sure. I?ll have to wait until we reach the end of Ruin.

Dyp: Not to worry. The same colour can always be used in sewers.

Corran: Why you little . . . !!!!

Couturier: Stop it! Both of you! It is specifically stated in your contracts that as the official spokesmen of *Pulp Fashions* you WILL get along.

Dyp: Just you wait, old man. You?ll be washed up as a model in a couple of years time and then I?ll wipe you out.

Couturier: Ummm, actually . . . with all the design changes we made to your lightsabre, it is no longer capable of inflicting potentially fatal injuries.

Dyp: WHAT?????

Couturier: All those bulky fittings didn?t fit in with the sleek new design we are marketing to our younger audience.

Dyp: If it can?t work, WHO CARES?????

Couturier: If our target audience won?t buy the merchandise, then we do. And by the way, make sure the label is clearly visible next time you?re in a fight. Having it hidden under all the blood and guts really isn?t the look we?re after.

Dyp: I don?t see how that will be an issue since the damn thing won?t be capable of cutting through the skin.

Corran: Poor little Dyppy! Without his great big laser sword, who?s going to be scared of him?

Dyp: This coming from the man with an adjustable length for his lightsabre. What does *THAT* say about your personal neuroses.

Corran: That was my grandfather?s lightsabre!

Dyp: Then apparently it?s hereditary.



-----------


That's probably going to be my final post on this thread for about three months. Sorry!

Worse still, I *will* return!