Saga 'The Obsession With Buttons' a comedy staring the Emperor *COMPLETED*

Title: The Obsession With Buttons
Author: Jasmine Larson
Genre: Comedy
Rating: PG
Time Frame: A little while after ESB
Disclaimer: I do not own the Emperor(and do not WANT to) or Star Wars, or any other character that I have not made up that are in my fics. I was inspired to write this story from a fic I read called Dear Diary, written by BrentusofGath. And also by Too Sexy For My Empire, written by Pelly-Welly. And, my personal favorite, The Emperor and His Weight Loss Worries, written by MoeTharen. All of these fics are wonderful Emperor comedies, and I highly encourage you to read them. But, do not attempt it if you have a bad heart, you will not last long.

Notes/warnings: It is a good idea not to eat while reading this.


* * * * *
I am the ruler of the whole freaking galaxy, the all powerful and saggy Emperor Palpatine. I like to push buttons. It is a delightful obsession, one that I enjoy very much. When I was a child, I used to push every button in sight, but my cruel, heartless mother(whom has somehow managed to disappear now that I rule the galaxy), always stopped me. She said that I may push a very important button and blow everyone up.

I am searching for that button.

It gives me a delicious little kick to press the soft, plushy plastic. Almost the same kick I get from feeling my butt. I like to watch something awful happen after I press many of them at random, buttons, not butts. Though I enjoy that as well. Oh, just a minute, hot chick at three o' clock. Oh, never mind. I winked at her, she lost her footing and fell off a bridge. Pity. Anyway, time to go torture Vader. The real reason I treat him so is because he tricked Padmé into marrying him, when she really liked me. Tsk . Anyway, I hear he got a new speeder. I hope there are plenty of buttons!! I am going to go and check it out. Oooo! I just love getting out of my satin chair, I can feel all my delicious saggy flab reluctantly rising with me. I am a sexy beast.


* * * * * * *
Oooooo!! I am in Sexy Man Heaven!! There are buttons galore!!!! I shall push, press, and sit on as many as I please!!!!

Vader: "Master, stop pushing my buttons!!!"
Emperor: "Your buttons? I'm not pushing your buttons."
Vader: "Yes, you are."
Emperor: "No, I wasn't. I was pushing my buttons. You see, Vader, all the buttons in the galaxy belong to me."

Hrmmph. That ought to teach him. The nerve! Interrupting my button pushing session. Now, where was I? Oh yes. Pushing buttons. I think I shall start pressing them now. Ooooo! My sexy fingers know how to push all the right buttons! I love plays on words. Now, I feel so sexy. Here I sit masculinely pressing plushy plastic buttons with my fleshy, flabby, pale sexy little stubs of fingers. Oooo! If only Mon Mothma could see me now!

Emperor: "Ha. You see, Vader? I am a sexy beast. That is why women are scratching and clawing at the gates of my palace."
Vader: "Yup. Trying to get out."

I zapped him. That gives me such an astounding amount of pleasure. Near as much as feeling myself up. Now, off we go to McDonalds. I want something deeeeep fried and very bad for me. Funny, no matter how much I eat, I remain a sexy statue of goodness. Oooo! Vader had better let me push the button to take our order, I think the clerk is sexy. Not, of course, as good as me, but good enough.

Oh, shavit. It was that snotty zit faced brat who likes to screw up the orders and charge me twice. Vader, choke him. Of, never mind, he bribed me with a slice of cheese. Too bad. I wanted to watch him break. Maybe another day. Now, to my cheese.


* * * * * *
Heh heh, this ain't the Emperor. This be Skinny Sabe, his number one enemy, or, as I like to think. I b

 

I started laughing at the first two sentences, and I couldn't stop the whole way through. That was hilarious! If I quoted my favorite lines, it would be the whole thing.

Great work! And if you continue it, could you please PM me when you update?

 

Hmmmm, I should sign him up for vocabulary lessons, he is always mixing himself up. Now, to bed. Oh, I found a button!!

Uh.........I think that was the one my mother warned me about.



Awesome! I love Emperor Palpatine comedy. Continue! Encore!

 

Aw man, only two readers? Oh well, I never look a gift reader in the mouth! Wait, that didn't sound right..........

amidalachick Aw thanks! And sure you can have PMs! It would be my pleasure, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

BrentusofGath Hey, nice of you to drop by! Thanks for liking it! I know you like Palpy humor, heck you're one of the best at writing it!


Jasmine

 

*delurkes*

This was hilarious! I have read your other stuff and definitely get a kick out of it. You are great at writing this stuff!

 

This was an absolute SCREAM Jazzy! I loved it. And you had better update or I'll steal you comlink and sick Vader on YOU.

 

Her lovely gift couldn't take my amazing measure of sexiness and exploded from the pressure. Oh well, it's the thought that counts.

 

See HanSoloIsSoCute? I told you your fic's rock

 

Emperor: "Ha. You see, Vader? I am a sexy beast. Why, if I were a star, the women would be scratching and clawing at the gates of my palace."

Vader: "Yup. Trying to get out."



You see Vader, honesty is not alway the best policy.

This was hysterical!!

Great job!!

 

Aw wow! People like it! Good, that's mean I can post the next chappie! Just as soon as I reply to all you nice folks.

Awwww thanks. That is too nice of you, thanks so much, I'm so glad you like my writing!

MoeTharen You are such a good comic, I feel humble in your presence. Your Master wanted to Knight you before you got a challenge! *burns with envy*

Healer_Leona You still like me? I'm glad you liked the fic, I am behaving myself.

light- I so pleased you liked it that much! But there is something I GOTTA know, HOW did you get soooo many smiley faces in your post??

KELIA Aw thanks! That means a LOT coming from you! (btw I am a BIG fan of 'Anakin's Misadventures in Babysitting' ) And yes, Vader should resist from speaking his mind.

Jasmine

 

Ok! Next chappie everybody!



Thank my yummy goodness, it WASN'T the button I have been searching for, it only killed all the people around me, but I'm ok. Anyway, I have come to face the cold, hard, fact of life. I am totally and completely, and unstintingly, obsessed with buttons. If I see one, I must push it. I don't care what it does, I don't care what it doesn't do, I don't care what it might do, I don't care what color it is, I don't care. I must push it. All buttons, every button, any button!!!

I could be entertained with a sheet of bubble-wrap for hours, if I could make one last that long. I am having my entire Death Star carpeted with this luscious new fabric. So I can walk bent over though the halls, and push the button-like material forever. I think I shall also have the walls adorned with it as well.

Wait, I could make a body-suit covered in buttons! Of course, it will be skin tight and revealing, so as to show off my sexy bod. I shall sway around the ladies and handsomely press and push the buttons, in a sexy manner. I shall forever have a come-hither look upon my face, the ladies will be swarming like flies to a Bantha. I shall have to program this suit to light up whenever I press a button, so I am sure to be noticed.

I should also have each button programmed with a catch-phrase or pickup-line, so I don't have to bother saying them. But I shall, of course, record them in my oh-so-sexy deep voice, even I get a little weak-in-the-knees when I hear it.

I also think I need a girlfriend. But mind you, she must be perfect. I want a woman who is near my equal in sexiness, and I know she shall be difficult to find. She must worship the very button-covered ground I walk upon, and I shall return her affection with a manly growl every now and then, sure to set her all aquiver with pleasure.

She must also not care if the other women throw themselves at me, and if I tend to display my manly physic whenever I please, she must find this a sexy quality. And she MUST, love buttons.

Oh, I have to go torture Vader, toodles.
* * * * *

I love to press the buttons on Vader's suit, mainly because some of them are life-threatening.

Vader: Master,will you STOP that!?!
Emperor: No, I don't think I will.
Vader: You just pressed the heart-restart button! Stop it!!!
Emperor: No. They are buttons, therefore I must press them.
Vader: They are MY buttons!!
Emperor: Your buttons are my buttons.

Sheesh, he's got to learn to share. Anyway, I just got a sudden urge to fart, just a moment.



They say the bystanders may regain their sight and smell, and some may recover from their comas, but I know my farts are much too powerful to leave any survivors. Anyway, I decided to join a dating sevice. I used to think that those were only for poor, unfortunate looking, desperate fools. Which, I am not any of those unsightful things. I have discovered that it is the only true way to find a woman worthy of my manly sexiness, and a perfect lifemate. Hmmmm, maybe I should apply for serveral. Anyway, here is what I entered:


Age: Young and hot.

Hair color: A peeling scalp.

Sex: Honestly, I know everyone is hot after my body, but you are coming on too strong. Let's just get on with the questions, shall we?

Body shape: Hour-glass, deliciously flabbery.

Have kids? I like what you have to do to get them.

Want kids? Heck no.

Hobbies: Pushing buttons, licking my lips, eating fried foods, cackling evilly, frying infidels, and, of course, entertaining the ladies with my sexy body.

Married? Why do you think I'm ON this stupid thing?

Pets?: Yes. Come here, Vader.

What do you look for in a partner? Must love buttons. Must love me, myself, and I. Must be very sexy, and quite attractive, but mustn't throw herself at me, I get enough of that, and frankly, it can be quite annoying. Must worship me, and kiss my pale, wrinkled, sexy little feet. Must respond warmly to manly growls. Must also, cook.

 

I love to press the buttons on Vader's suit, mainly because some of them are life-threatening.

I loved that whole exchange with Palpy and Vader!

And Palpy's joining a dating service...

Great chapter! Thanks so much for the PM!

 

Hilarious once again! Thanks for the pm!

 

Oh my word! This is hysterical! Great fic!

The interactions between Palpy and Vader are just... priceless! Vader gets so annoyed and aggravated. Hee!

I hope you realize I am never going to be able to look at them the same way again when I watch Star Wars!

But that's okay with me!

 

Very, very...

Buttons!

Funny story. Continue, please.

 

Sex: Honestly, I know everyone is hot after my body, but you are coming on too strong. Let's just get on with the questions, shall we?



That's the best answer to a survey question I've seen yet!

Very funny!

 

I already saw this on your site, but I thought I'd show my support here.



It's even funnier the second time around!

 

Have kids? I like what you have to do to get them.



I already posted to this on your site, but I figured I would post again here, because it's very funny!

 

ROTFLOL!!! Oh man this is awesome, Palpy signed up for a dating service! hehhehehe

More soon!!

 

Pets?: Yes. Come here, Vader.


Ha! he was going to have to pay someday for the jedi purges, so he got PALPY! it's like getting life with no parole

 

pm me when you update

 

Vader: They are MY buttons!!
Emperor: Your buttons are my buttons.




omg this is just histerical

Pets? Yes, come here Vader.

 

Gadzoops! Me gots replies!

amidalachick I'm very happy you enjoyed it! lol Emperor Palpy(Pooky) is evil! Welcome for the PM, it be my pleasure.

zvalarens Aw, ya think so?

VA_Parky Aw wow thanks! You guys make my day. lol I love to watch the movies again and again, and imagine the Emperor always thinking, "Force, I'm sexy." It always make me scream with laughter, I love to do that at the serious parts.

DaenaBenjen42 I'm glad you are getting your kicks! It's the way I like to. Of course I shall continue it, and anyone who wants to know when it is updated I will gladly send you a link when I put up a new chappie, that way you won't have to dig for it. (And anyone who never wants to be PMed please bring it to my attention, I don't want to mix anyone up.)

KELIA lol I KNEW I had to make him say something silly on that question, and I couldn't decide! lol But I finally made my deicison, I'm glad you approve!

ladie_padawan It's even funnier the second time around!

Yes, because that's how long it takes to make sense!

Healer_Leona I cannot imagine what a lady would do when confronted by the real thing.

I can, scream and run.

BrentusofGath You're too nice Brentus, just plain too nice.

Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Aw right awesome! A new reader! You are VERY welcome here! lol This dating thing is going to bring disturbing results for poor Pooky(thanks again Brentus, for coming up with that name, I hope you don't mind I use it to make fun of the Emperor).

michaellover Oh wonderful! Another new reader! Welcome aboard! I'm a glad you like it, and yes he shall pay.

JediFalcon Sure thing! I am most pleased you like it!

light- Aw wonderful! Keep enjoying! There will be more just as soon as I get my laptop back!


Jasmine