Edmonton The ***Official*** Edmontooine Joke thread... come on in for a laugh!!!!

---

Welcome to the [i][b][u]Official Edmontooine Joke Thread[/u][/b][/i]. [b]Anyone[/b] is welcome to come for a visit, and share their best laughs with us. But don't forget to keep your jokes and jests within the realms of the [link=http://boards.theforce.net/tos.asp]TOS[/link], and above all, make sure they are [b]funny!!!![/b] I'll start out with one...

[hr]

A couple of Star Trek fans go into a bar to watch a hockey game...

:D

 

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by,and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says........

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!!!"

 

Good one John.


A guy walks into a bar, sits down and waits for the bartendor so he can get a drink. All of a sudden he hears "My you look great today, did you get a hair cut?". So the guy looks around but doesnt see anyone. So he kind of forgets about it. A minute later, again he hears "Have you lost weight?". So now the guys is getting pretty weirded out, he keeps hearing these things and theres no one there.

So the bartender gets to him and the guy says "The crazyest thing is happening, someone keeps complimenting me and theres no one around." The bar tendor looks at him with a smile and says "Its the peanuts." The guy frowns, "The peanuts!?!" as he looks down at the bowl of peanuts. "Yes the peanuts, they're complimentary"

 

Did you miss the part that said that they had to be funny??? (Just kidding!)



One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up, so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

 

LMAO

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

 

Mario Lemieux, Mats Sundin and Wayne Gretzky are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Lemieux first he asks, "What do you believe?"

Mario looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Hockey to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from Moscow to the bright lights of New York. I have devoted my life to bringing such joy to people who watch us and support their team."

God looks up and offers Mario the seat to his left.

He then turns to Mats Sundin, "And you, Mats, what do you believe?"

Mats stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Mats the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Gretzky, "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"

"I believe," says Gretzky, "You're sitting in my seat!"

 

Out of the mouths of children...

Why We Just Love Kids...

-------------------------------------

Naked Driver
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

Toothbrush In The Toilet Bowl
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet bowl. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet bowl a few days ago.

Cautious Parents
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."


Heinz Catsup
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."


Women's Locker Room
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


Ask The Police
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing
the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.
Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as
she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

K-9 Patrol
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Meals-On- Wheels
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will
never believe this!"


Party Time
Early in the evening a little girl was watching her parents dress for a
party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit." And I said, "why not?" "You know that it always
gives you a headache the next morning."


Proper Burial
While I was walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently,
his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the
hole he gooooes."

First Week Of School
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she sai

 

Nobody is laughing...

 

true, true Indy...

 

I was... just didn't post it is all

 

The Hillbilly


After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, and old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the Big City. In one of the stores he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here is a picture of my daddy!" He bought the "picture", but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he decided to hang the "picture" in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields he would go in there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day, after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass she exclaimed, "So that is the ugly old bag he's running around with!!!"

 

The Brains of Canada

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4
parachutes. The first passenger said, "I'm Mats Sundin, the best NHL hockey
player, the Leafs need me, I can't afford to die...So he took the first pack
and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former
president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in te
world and I am a New York Senator." She just took the second parachute and
jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, Jean Chretien, said: "I'm the Brains of Canada, I have
a great responsibility being the leader of the greatest nation in the world.
And above all I'm the smartest Prime Minister in Canadian history, so
Canadians won't let me die". So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped
out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old
school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a
Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.

The little boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. The Brains
of Canada has just jumped with my school bag."

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied: "Then you ask him."

 

now that one wasn't bad

 

LOL Good ones John!

The New Golfer

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever about the game.
The pro showed him the stance and the swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh...you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

 

Speaking of golf...


A Doctor, a Banker, and a Lawyer are all out golfing one day. They arrive at the 9th hole, where there is a group of 4 men who are taking an inordinate amount of time to play the hole. After about 3 holes of super slow play, they wave over one of the golf pros.

"What is going on here?!? Why are those men allowed to play here on the course? They are so slow!" one of the doctors says.

"Well," the pro replies, "those 4 men are all firefighters who lost their sight while trying to rescue orphans from their burning orphanage"

"Oh my, really?" says the Doctor. "In that case, I shall put all of my expertise and influence on the case to see if there is anything that can be done to get thier sight back!"

"I also would love to help," says the Banker. "I will make sure that they will have no financial hardships or costs while you work to get their sight back.

The lawyer shakes his head. "Well I wish there was something I could do," he says, "but I do have one question... why can't these guys play at night????"

 

Here is a good flash animation:
Cows with Guns
It is quite funny (and a good spoof on the book Animal Farm by George Orwell).

 

Genie Can't Deliver

There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!!
The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!"

The suprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."

The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."

The genie said, "Would you like two lanes or four?"

 

Running for Office
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

 

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey", she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.


The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written:

"Spaghetti,spaghetti,spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."

 

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks "What for?"

She says "I want to kill my husband".

He says "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "Well you didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

 

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he is getting out of the car, a truck comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off. Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell phone and calls the cops. Five minutes later the police arrive, but before the cop has a chance to ask any questions the lawyer starts screaming hysterically.

"My Porsche!!!! My beautiful Porsche is ruined!!!! No matter how long it is in the shop for, it will never be the same again!!!"

After the lawyer is finally finished his ranting and raving the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are!" he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything in your life!"

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this??" snaps the lawyer. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your ARM was torn off when the truck hit your car???"

The lawyer looks down to see that his arm is indeed misssing.

"Bloody hell!!!" he says, "where's my damn Rolex!?!?!"

 

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

 

More of an amusing story.....

Should it be my good fortune to be engaged in another action, i shall take care that only one gramaphone is taken into the turret. we had one in the gunhouse and one in the working-chamber and during every lull these two were playing simultaneously each with a different record. The result was one of the real horrors of war.

Royal Navy turret officer, HMS Indomitable
Jutland 1916

 

One more. Sorry 'bout no caps...

no.5 commando was very anxious to be chums with lord glasgow, so they offered to blow up an old tree stump for him and he was very grateful and he said don't spoil the plantation of very young trees near it because that is the apple of my eye and they said no of course not we can blow a tree down so that it falls on a sixpence and lord glasgow said goodness you are clever and he asked them all to luncheon for the great explosion. so col durnford-slater dso said to his subaltern, have you put enough explosive in the tree. yes, sir, 75 lb. is that enough? yes sir I worked it out by mathematics it is exactly right. well better put a bit more. very good sir. and when col d slater dso had had his port he sent for the subaltern and said subaltern better put a bit more explosive in that tree. I don't want to disappoint lord glasgow. very good sir.
then they all went out to see the explosion and col d slater dso said you will see that tree fall flat at just that angle where it will hurt no young trees and lord glasgow said goodness you are clever. so soon they lit the fuse and waited for the explosion and presently the tree instead of falling quietly sideways, rose 50 feet into the air taking with it a half acre of soil and the whole of the young plantation. And the subaltern said sir, i made a mistake, it should have been 7.5 lb not 75. lord glasgow was so upset he walked in dead silence back to his castle and when they came to the turn of the drive in sight of his castle what should they find but that every pane of glass in the building was broken. so lord glasgow gave a little cry and ran to hide his emotion in the lavatory and there when he pulled the plug the entire ceiling, loosened by the explosion, fell on his head. this is quite true.

evelyn waugh to his wife
31 may 1942