Edmonton The ***Official*** Edmontooine Joke thread... come on in for a laugh!!!!

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
no cajones, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the butt are interchangeable.

 

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law dies.

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5,000.00, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.00.

The guy thinks for a second and says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker stunned, asks, "Are you sure?" That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.

The guys looks him in the eye and says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead.

"I just can't take that kind of a chance."

 

Dear TIDE,

I am writing to say what an excellent laundry product you have. I have
used it since I was married, when my mom told me it was the best. Now
that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better.
About a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My
unfeeling husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and as
usual I could not do anything right.

One thing led to another, and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my
new white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using the bargain
detergent he had made me buy, but it just wouldn't come out.

I made a quick trip to the supermarket to get a bottle of liquid TIDE
with bleach. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came
out. In fact the stains came out so well that the police detectives
who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my
attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!

I thank you once again for having such a great product. Well, gotta
go, must write a letter to the HEFTY BAG people. They also have a very
good product.

Sincerely,

A menopausal wife.

 

*Followed by shocked silence...*

 

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him
on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass
window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the
still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he
didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault, today is my
first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

 

This happened in a little town, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true.

Ross was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm; and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong Ross could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. Ross, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started to move very slowly. Ross became spooked. He did not know what to do. He looked down the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, Ross started to pray, begging for his life. Ross was now in shock. But just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.

Ross, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, Ross managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking
back, he ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town.

Soaking wet, exhausted, and in a state of utter shock, the pale, visibly shaken, Ross walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots.

Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car, with no driver, and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.

Everyone in the bar stood in silence and became frightened just listening to this eerie story. Their neck hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth, because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk!

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, "Look, me son, there's the a** hole who got into the car while we were pushing it!"

 

AUTO REPAIR

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells
the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.

She says,

"What's the story?"

He replies,

"Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks,

"How often do I have to do that?"

----------------------------------------

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding
and asks her very nicely if he could see her
license.

She replied in a huff,

"I wish you guys would get your
act together. Just yesterday you
take away my license and then today
you expect me! to show it to you!"

--------------------------


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes
to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite
bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the
river and shouts back,

"You ARE on the other side."

-------------------------------------
KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car
on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that
she was oblivious to his flashingn lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window,turned on his
bullhorn and yelled,

"PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

good stuff!

 

Two women decided to go out one evening, without their husbands,and more importantly - no kids. Laughing the entire evening away and finding that they had consumed entirely too much wine, they decided it was time to head home.

They were about half way home when both ladies realised that they needed to find a bathroom quick. The only place to stop was a cemetery. A little bit scared and tipsy, they decided they'd just have to stop there ... they couldn't wait any longer.

Stumbling off the road into the cemetery they soon discovered they had no toilet paper or Kleenex handy, but the trip being an urgent one, they decided to 'just make do'.

The first one decided to use her panties and then discard them. The second one had on new panties and not wanting to leave them behind, grabbed a big ribbon from a floral wreath on the grave stone next to her.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one of them said to the other: "You know, we'll have to keep a closer watch on our wives ... it seems that those two were up to no good last night. My wife came home in the wee hours without her panties...." The other one responded: "Well, you're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, 'We will never forget you....The Carboni Brothers.'"




*Derisa*

 

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers? For Pete's sake it's 2004! We got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"

Johnny says ................



"How da hell was I suppose to pick dem up???"

 

*steps up to the open mic*

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop. They go directly over to the bird section. Willie says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere," says Willie. "Just put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk puts the budgies in a bag, and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Willie's van and drive until they are high up on a hill, and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loikes a grand place, eh?" says Willie.

He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, before he hits the rocks below with a 'SPLAT!'.

As Paddy looks down he shakes his head and says, "T'heck wi' dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too bloody dangerous for me."

(pause for groans and laughter)

PART TWO

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'SPLAT!' and his remains join Willie's at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."

(pause for rimshot, accompanied by more groans and laughter)

PART THREE

A few minutes after Seamus has gone splat, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop, and he walks up carrying the now familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot, he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Blimey, Sean! First der was Willie wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you wit da bloody hen glidin!"

(pause for applause and wait for the band to strike up)


Thank you, you've been a lovely audience!

 

LMAO

 

We Need your help ...

Since September 11, 2001, Americans and Canadians have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Professional Hockey players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a hockey player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a hockey player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, T-4s, real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Forward [ ] Defenseman [ ] Goaltender [ ] Entire team

(Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $10 per minute)

[ ] Jaromir Jagr (Higher cost: $32,000 per day)

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Jaromir Jagr 2001 Income Statement and my very own Bob Goodenow (Executive Director of the NHLPA player's Union) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: ________Telephone Number: ________Account Number: _______Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________

 

LOL

A LOVING HUSBAND:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing?the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking 950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know whom this phone belongs to?"

 

I have no idea if this is true, but considering the questions I've heard in Jasper I'm tending to believe it.

These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants
grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. . ...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list
of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure,
the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.(USA)
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains
of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first

 

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.(USA)
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains
of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
with human urine before you go out walking

That made me laugh out loud

 

No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan gatherers. Milk is illegal.

ROFLMAO!!!!!

 

A husband and wife are driving in their car, the wife is at the wheel, after a few miles of silence the husband tells her that he wants a divorce, the car speeds up. Then he tells her that he is in love with her best friend and they plan to wed, the car speeds up again. Next, he tells her that he wants the house, the car and the summer home at the lake, the car speeds up yet again. Clearly confused the husband asks his wife why she is not upset, doesnt she want anything ??? She calmly tells him she has everything she needs. "What do you have ? Why are you so calm!? I am leaving you and taking everything!!! By this time the car is going 120mph, the wife looks at him and tells him she has the airbag, just before they hit a cement wall.

 

LMAO

 

LMAO haahah

banana

 

Greek Mothers


A Greek mother anounces to her son, Jimmy that she is coming to visit him for a week. He tells his [non-greek]girlfriend that she must move into the spare bedroom and pretend that they are only roommates and not lovers. That is fine she moves her things into the other room, and helps him clean the apartment.
His mother arrives and she sleeps in his room, he sleeps on the couch and the girlfriend stays in the spare. The visit goes well, his mother doing the cooking and taking care of her sons laundry, she makes a few changes around the household while the couple is at work, nothing major.
After the son drops his mother off at the airport he and the girlfriend have a nice chat, the girl is puzzled about something and carefully broaches the subject with him: she tells him that the silver candy dish from the coffee table is missing, she has looked everywhere for it, she hates to say this but she thinks his mother took it. He says it must be around here somewhere my mother would never take something that doesnt belong to her.
A week goes by and he happens to remember to ask his Mom about the dish the next time she calls...
"Ha ! I knew that girl was no good ! The morning i leave you house i put the candy dish under the pillow in 'HER' bed ! So tell me Jimmy why she no sleeping in her own room all week !!!"

You can do a lot of things in this life but fooling your Greek mother is not one of them.

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

" I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said..."This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

 

LOL

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.