Beyond The Promise of a Traitor - OCs - Unfinished

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Talonah, Aug 16, 2004.

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  1. Talonah Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2004
    star 4
    Dedication: To my friend Tara* (* name changed to protect privacy). You came up with this story. Thank you for letting me write with your characters. I owe you.

    Thanks: To _Derisa_Ollamhin_, for encouraging me to step out of my comfort zone while writing. Derisa, your advice is invaluable to any fanfiction writer. Thank you so much! To Ewok15 and MistofAvalon for being my friends and for being ready to help whenever I need it.

    Title: The Promise of a Traitor
    Timeframe: Post-Black Fleet Crisis
    Characters: Coyan Takoya (OC), Tayeel Summers (OC), Stal Quian (OC), Darce Takoya (OC)
    Genre: Drama, Romance, Angst
    Keywords: OC, EU
    Summary: A war-crippled youth defies his family to marry his childhood love.
    Notes: TPOAT is the first of a three-part series. This first installment contains a cameo appearance by Leia, Chewie, and C-3P0!

    During the next several hours, the fate of the Tarin system would be decided. And who would have control over what happened during that time? His own father.

    Coyan Takoya leaned against the doorjamb and watched his brother and a servant rummage through the wardrobe. The rustling of clothing was punctuated by occasional remarks of ?No, that won?t do,? ?Here, try that one,? or ?How about this one??

    Several minutes later, Stal came floundering out of the closet like a swimmer desperately trying to reach the surface of the water. He took in his sibling smiling at him from where he was standing and scowled at him.

    ?You should be the one doing this,? Stal complained. ?You?re the diplomatic one.?

    ?You?re the eldest,? Coyan retorted. ?Plus, Dad chose you.?

    Stal looked away and did not answer.

    The subject of their father had become an awkward one ever since Coyan had come home from the war with an injury to his hip and a permanent limp.

    Varn had been at war with its neighboring planet, Telvock, for several generations now. Hardly anyone remembered what the cause of the war was anymore, yet the Verinians and Telvens, although close cousins genetically, still carried a deep, lingering distrust of each other.

    Coyan had been injured in an accident while serving in Varn?s decimated military. While moving supplies at a military base, a droid two stories above him had bumped a stack of boxes, sending the entire column over the edge onto the unfortunate soldier below. And due to the lack of bacta because of the war, Coyan's injury was never fully healed.

    If Coyan had received his injury while during battle, or if it had been another soldier below the tower of boxes and Coyan had pushed him out of the way, thus receiving the injury, then maybe Darce Takoya would have accepted the injury and would have forgiven Coyan.

    But it was not so. It was embarrassing enough to hear the other proud fathers? stories of their sons who fought and were wounded. But to add insult to injury, Darce reluctantly had to tell the same fathers of his own son who had a measly stack of boxes fall on him. It was frustrating, and Darce took out his frustration on Coyan.

    Back in the palace, the servant came half-running carrying the standard blue-grey robe that all the courtiers wore during diplomatic functions.

    Stal?s glare made transparisteel seem soft by comparison. The servant wilted and dropped his gaze to the floor.

    ?I?m telling? you, no! Only a woman would wear that?thing.? Coyan tried his best to stifle the laughter that bubbled up inside of him, but he couldn?t.

    By the way his brother relaxed, Coyan knew that he had done the right thing in laughing. The tension so evident in his brother?s posture a few moments ago slowly bled out of him.

    Another servant appeared at the door behind Coyan, gasping for breath.

    ?What is it?? Coyan asked.

    ?Sir...they?ll...be here in fifteen...minutes! Docking bay 1. Your father...has asked for you to...hurry!?

    Stal looked distastefully at the robe offered to him by the first servant. ?Very well. I?ll make do with this.? He dismissed t
  2. Talonah Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2004
    star 4
    Let it be known that I have had no one beta-read this fanfic yet, and I know it still needs a lot of work. Please keep that in mind when you review the post. If you are willing to beta-read this fanfic, please PM me or post here. Thanks!
  3. _Derisa_Ollamhin_ Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 31, 2000
    star 4
    Good work, Talonah. Can't wait to read more! :D And thanks for the sweet mention, above. You are very welcome for whatever help I have given. :)

    Oh, and make sure you get this story listed on the OC database thread on the writer's resource forum. :)


    *Derisa*
  4. Talonah Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2004
    star 4
    Oh, and make sure you get this story listed on the OC database thread on the writer's resource forum.

    Okay, I'll look into that. (EDIT: Done.)

    You'll notice I changed a few things in the plot. Coyan isn't schizonphrenic anymore; he was injured. I realized that I didn't know anything at all about schizophrenia, so I opted for something else. And I changed Stal's name. The first choice for his name wasn't very GFFA. :p

    Anybody want a teaser for the next post?
  5. Ewok15 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 1, 2002
    star 4
    Awesome job Talonah! :)

    I can't wait to read more!

    Thanks for the mention above [face_blush] You are most welcome for whatever help I have given you! You have been a great friend to me! So thank you also for being there for me! :)
  6. MistofAvalon Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 22, 2004
    star 4
    Thanks for the wonderful dedication. [face_blush] [:D] It's my pleasure to help friends when they need it. :) You've helped me more than I can count. I should be dedicating something to you! ;)

    I love the way this story was written. I'm impressed. :D The descriptions are good, and I really like the way you make the characters. (Their personalities are deeper than people normally write original characters in stories. As for a teaser, I would really like that. I want to see what happens next! :) :D
  7. Talonah Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2004
    star 4
    Thanks for coming and reading this, everybody.

    Lessee, here is a teaser for you...

    Varn had tentatively opened negotiations with the New Republic. In response, the New Republic had sent the legendary Leia Organa Solo to discuss the possibility of joining the fledgling galactic government. The New Republic Chief of State was scheduled to arrive in the Millennium Falcon right now.

    There was just one problem.

    The pregnant queen of Varn had gone into labor two-and-a-half hours ago, ready to deliver the heir of Varn.

    The palace was in chaos.


    :D What do you think?

    Second update will come as soon as I finish what will be in the third update. I'm trying to stay one step ahead here.
  8. Talonah Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2004
    star 4
    Well, since no one posted, here is an update.

    Stal stood nervously at the doors to the docking bay, constantly fidgeting with his robe. He was early by three minutes from the time Coyan had predicted he would need to be there, and his father still hadn?t showed up yet.

    Beyond the doors, Stal heard a deep throbbing sound through the metal walls and floor as large motors began to open the docking bay doors.

    Where was his father? It was critical that he get here in time for the delegation?s arrival.

    Varn had tentatively opened negotiations with the New Republic. In response, the New Republic had sent the legendary Leia Organa Solo to discuss the possibility of joining the fledgling galactic government. The New Republic Chief of State was scheduled to arrive in the Millennium Falcon right now.

    There was just one problem.

    The pregnant queen of Varn had gone into labor two-and-a-half hours ago, ready to deliver the heir of Varn.

    The palace was in chaos. The royal couple originally led the greeting party; when the queen felt the first contractions, the group diverted to the birthing room, and Leia Organa Solo was almost forgotten in the ensuing turmoil. Darce, personal advisor to the king, stepped in. In the space of two hours, the second most powerful man on Varn had arranged an extensive meal in the great hall. He had made sure it was on the other side of the palace from where the birthing room was located, so as to provide plenty of room for the bustling servants who rushed here and there.

    The reasons for the feast were twofold: to impress the Chief of State and also to celebrate the birth of the heir when the time came. If, for some reason the heir or the mother did not survive?no one wanted to think about that possibility.

    Stal heard the sound of many footsteps off to his right and glanced that direction. His father was coming.

    With many attendants surrounding him, Darce Takoya stood out like a lion among housecats. The Verinian male was powerfully built, with graying sideburns and the gold-silver eyes, a characteristic that all Verinians and Telvens possessed.

    Darce slowed when he approached Stal. Stal nodded towards the hangar doors. ?They just landed.?

    Darce nodded in acknowledgement, then turned towards the hangar doors. They opened silently to allow the greeting party to pass.

    The company swept through the doors?and half the courtiers nearly fainted when they saw the Millennium Falcon. Stal smirked. Obviously, they had never seen holos of the famous ship. Not surprisingly, the Corellian freighter looked like it had been built out of second-hand parts from the scrap heap, as usual. No wonder the members of the nobility had been shocked.

    Undeterred by the appearance of the Falcon, Darce approached the loading ramp and waited for Leia Organa Solo to disembark.

    The regal princess most certainly could not be compared with the appearance and performance of her husband?s ship. The Millennium Falcon was irregular in shape; Leia Organa was well formed. The Solos? beloved ship was quick to respond when attacked by enemies; the Chief of State was slow to show anger and tried to resolve the conflict peacefully.

    And tonight continued to show the differences. Leia Organa gracefully glided down the ramp, her white skirt curling and swinging around her ankles. Her two escorts, a tall, limber Wookiee, and a golden protocol droid, followed her down the ramp. When the Minister of State saw Darce at the head of the greeting party, she expedited her descent to the metal floor?even though no one could actually see her quicken her pace, and met the delegation at the bottom of the ramp.

    Darce bowed low. ?Chief of State Leia Organa Solo?? To Stal, it seemed silly to ask her if she was Leia Organa Solo when everybody knew that she was Leia Organa Solo.

    Leia returned the bow, bending just as far as Darce had. ?Your Royal Highness?? The attendants started. Stal stifled a laugh. When was she going to realize her mistake?

    The cor/>
  9. MistofAvalon Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 22, 2004
    star 4
    I really like it. It made me think I was reading NJO or something. :) I want to see what happens! :D
  10. Talonah Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2004
    star 4
    Thanks, Mist.

    Drat, my markup codes didn't make it from Microsoft Word to the post. Oh, well, here comes an edit...
  11. Talonah Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2004
    star 4
    I regret to inform you that I must leave the JC permanently. Please don't ask why; my reasons are my own. Thank you.

    I wish you all well.
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